Not Letting Go

by R B Hilliard

“Enough!” Ellie chastised.

  Not able to resist, I continued the fun. “Come on Ellie! The poor guy is so chaffed that he can’t even wear underwear. That’s not normal.” I made the mistake of looking at Gage and, as I predicted, we both burst out laughing. My heart soared with the sound of his laughter. I wanted to reach out to him and tell him how I felt, but I couldn’t. I had already been rejected once by him. The fear of it happening again dogged my every step and no matter what I did, I could not get rid of it.

  Ellie let out an exasperated moan right as Susannah and Reyn walked in.

  “What’s all the moaning about?” Susannah asked. She gave Ellie a big hug “And what are you two laughing at?” I loved everything about Susannah, even her nosiness. After all, that’s what made her so good at her job.

  Ellie pulled back and grabbed Susannah’s hand. “Come sit by the fire with me. I want to hear where you’ve been lately. You always have the best stories.” Thank you for the rescue, Ellie.

  Reyn gave me a knowing look. “Why don’t you get the music going?” I suggested. “Max can show you where the sound dock is, can’t you Max?”

  “Sure thing,” he said and ushered her out of the kitchen.

  As soon as they were gone I turned to Cas, Garrett and Gage. “I’ll start making the burgers if you guys can man the bar and grill for me.”

  “Deal,” Gage said and they all headed to their respective duties.

  A few minutes later, Joss appeared wearing a big smile and a nice healthy just-had-sex-glow. “Where do you want me?” she asked. The second the words left her mouth the song about saving a horse and riding a cowboy blared from the speakers. My mind immediately wandered to Gage and his damn cowboy boots.

  “Hellooooo?” she snapped her fingers in my face.”

  “Can you to help me with the burgers after you wash your hands?” I asked and she giggled. Then she let out a well spent sigh and danced across the kitchen to the sink. “Don’t go there,” I warned.

  “Let me just tell you this one part.”

  “No.”

  “Awwww, come on Piper,” she begged while drying her hands.

  “I do not want to hear about all the sex you are having,” I harshly whispered and didn’t miss the look of pity that skittered across her face. “And don’t you dare pity me,” I huffed as I mixed the salt, pepper and Worcestershire Sauce in with the meat.

  “Oooh, your mom’s famous stuffed burgers,” she hummed in appreciation. “Ellie talks about these all the time. I can’t wait to try one.” With a husband and two sons who were always hungry, my mom mastered the art of meat and potato meals. Hamburgers stuffed with various cheeses were just one of many she had taught me to make along the way. Joss helped me form the meat into patties around cores of different types of cheese. “Have you told Gage how you feel?”

  “It doesn’t matter how I feel. He’s with Missy now.”

  “I’m not so sure about that.”

  I stopped mid-patty. “You’re not?”

  “Missy hasn’t been around at all lately.”

  My stomach dipped. “Are we talking days, weeks or months here?”

  Leaning forward, she lowered her voice to an almost whisper. “The last time I saw her was the bonfire last month. After you bolted, Gage looked like someone had kicked him in the gut. He made Missy get off his lap and, the next thing I knew, she was leaving…in tears.” I stood there gaping at her. That was the last time I saw them together. Could it be? “What are you thinking?” she asked. “Cause I’m thinking that he dumped her on her herpes ridden ass that night.”

  I shook my head when she said this. The fact was I didn’t know what to think anymore. She opened her mouth to say something else but stopped when Reyn, Max, and Kurt walked in.

  Not wanting to talk anymore about it, I headed out to the grill with my tray full of stuffed hamburger patties and a big smile on my face. Mountain Man by the Crash Kings had taken over the stereo and I couldn’t help but think that things might be looking up. Finally.

  For the next hour all the girls parked it in front of the bonfire and listened to music. I was humming along to a catchy Katie Perry tune when Ellie elbowed me in the ribs.

  “Who’s that?” She pointed at some girl who was rubbing herself all over a very bored looking Cas.

  “Someone Hulk brought,” Joss answered.

  “Hulk?” Ellie and I both asked.

  Before she could answer, a giant of a man stepped up next to Cas and, without straining a muscle, plucked the girl off of him and carried her away.

  “Holy shit! Did you just see that?” Susannah whispered. Her voice was filled with awe and something else I couldn’t quite make out.

  We all collectively nodded.

  “That’s Hulk,” Joss confirmed.

  “I bet he’s got a fetish or two up his sleeve,” Susannah murmured under her breath.

  Pictures of handcuffs and whips traipsed through my mind. “Who is he?” I asked.

  “His name is Bobby,” Reyn answered. “I think he works for Garrett. I overheard him calling him boss earlier.”

  “Better that than daddy,” Susannah mumbled.

  “You do realize that we can hear you?” Reyn asked. Susannah responded by making a funny face at her.

  “I need another beer,” she said and stood up. “Anyone else want one?”

  “You are so going to try and find Hulk, aren’t you?” Joss accused.

  “Who me?” she innocently asked. Then she gave us a wicked grin and sauntered off in the opposite direction from the alcohol.

  “You’re going the wrong way!” I shouted. She flipped up her middle finger and we all howled with laughter. If anyone could find out Hulk’s inner kink, it was Susannah.

  “Oh god,” Reyn said and let out a painful groan. At first I thought she was groaning at Luke Bryan singing about not wanting the night to end. I had to agree with Luke, but only because I was so happy to be in the same place as Gage for once without Missy lurking around. Glancing over at the kitchen door, I saw what held her attention. There, like a Nordic stud, stood Dillon. He had on a pair of black slacks, a light green sweater and black boots. In true rock legend form, his guitar was slung over his shoulder. Next to him, wearing skin tight brown leather pants, a hot pink sequined top and hooker heels, stood Dana.

  Ellie frowned. “I thought he was through with her?” Ellie may have chosen Max over Dillon, but that did not mean she had stopped caring about him. We all cared about him and we all agreed that Dana Harkins was bad news, especially where Dillon was concerned.

  Reyn scooted closer to us and whispered, “She came into Dragonfly last week and was super nice to me at first. The second that Dillon was out of ear shot, the claws came out. She accused me of all sorts of horrible things and then threatened me. I don’t even know her!”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “I would have taken care of her for you.”

  “That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you. You’ve done enough for me already, Piper.”

  “Dana is an alpha bitch, Reyn,” Joss explained. “We have all been bitten by her at one time or another. Take it from me and do not let her walk all over you. Once she starts, she will never stop. No matter what, stand your ground. If you still are having trouble getting her to fuck off, get one of us to back you up.”

  “Got it,” Reyn said. “I just don’t get what Dillon sees in her.”

  “Nothing,” Ellie quietly replied. “He sees nothing and that’s the problem.” She stood up and straightened her shirt over her protruding stomach. “I’m going to find Max.”

  Before she took off, I grabbed her hand. “Are you good?”

  “I’m better than good,” she smiled and I gave her hand a squeeze. Then I watched her waddle across the deck to exactly where she belonged…Max’s open arms. When I turned back I found that I had been abandoned. Joss and Reyn had ditched me for food and drink and Susannah was still on the prowl. Instead of joining them, I sat and silently watched ever
yone having a good time. I soaked in the warmth from the fire feeling very thankful to be alive and in one piece. These were the people I cared most about in this world. Benny, Twon, and Harry arrived to join the fun and I waved to them from across the bonfire. When Gage broke away from Max and Ellie and started toward me, the butterflies that I kept such a tight reign over sprang free and I was filled with something that I hadn’t felt in a very long time…hope.

  “Can I sit with you?” he asked and I motioned for him to take a seat. His arm brushed against my side as he lowered himself onto the chair next to me and familiar currents of desire swept through me. He was so close that our bodies practically touched. The fluttering butterflies inside my stomach morphed into Mexican jumping beans. As if karmically ordered, Ed Sheeran’s Give me Love rolled through the speakers.

  “Nice boots,” he said, staring down at my feet.

  I lifted them up so he could better see them. “Yeah? Some guy gave these to me.”

  He smiled. “Must have been someone special to give you hot boots like those. They look really expensive.”

  “Special and most humble,” I airily replied and he laughed. “He gave them to me after we spent an amazing weekend together,” I continued.

  His thigh brushed against mine and I fought back a whimper. “Really? Tell me about it.” His deep voice rumbled through me and I swear I felt my panties ignite.

  “Well…”

  “Uh Gage?” I glanced over his shoulder to see who had the audacity to interrupt us and froze. Missy. As if in slow motion, he turned his head, his body tensed and his entire demeanor changed. Gone was the teasing, fun Gage and in his place was…someone I didn’t know. “Can I talk to you?” she asked. Her eyes darted from him to me and narrowed into tiny slits of hatred…“In private?” He gave her a warm smile and I wanted to claw her face off.

  “Sure sweetheart” he said and without even a backward glance he stood up and walked away.

  And once again, I am an idiot.

  Ed sang about wanting love like never before and I realized that’s exactly what Missy was giving Gage right now, a new untainted love. I truly believed that he deserved it. I just wish it was me that was giving it to him.

  “Here,” Joss said and handed me a bottle of bourbon. “You look like you could use a good stiff drink.” She plopped down onto Gage’s abandoned seat and patted my arm.

  Staring down at my boots, I fought back the tears. Then I took a giant slug from the bottle. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” I lamented.

  “What wasn’t?” Ellie asked as she flanked my other side. My two protectors.

  “Life. Love.” I took another huge gulp and let the fire soak into my belly.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Ellie shrugged. “Look at everything I went through with Max?”

  I placed my hand on her stomach. “You so deserve your happy ending.”

  She stared lovingly at me. “So do you.”

  I glanced back down at my boots and sighed. Then I downed another mouthful of liquor. Numbness was starting to take over and I welcomed it. “Maybe I’m not supposed to end up with Gage.”

  “Maybe. And maybe I’m not supposed to have a baby,” Joss said.

  I took another large gulp and relished in the burn. Liquor affected people in different ways. It turned Ellie into a party girl and Joss into a ninny. My mood when I started drinking predicted where my drunk would go. Nevertheless, liquor always did one thing to me. It loosened my lips. “I bet if you took a more organic approach, you’d be pregnant in no time,” I told her.

  “What do you mean by ‘more organic?’” she asked. I could hear the defensive tone in her voice but I was one chug past caring.

  Ellie moaned beside me. I ignored her and said, “Take a look at Kurt and tell me what you see.” Kurt was standing with the guys at the grill. As if reading my mind he chose that second to limp like a wounded cowboy over to the bar.

  “I see my gorgeous husband,” she said.

  “Yes, who just so happens to be limping like The Lone Ranger after injuring his jollys from falling off of Trigger,” I stated and Ellie snorted.

  “Who has had a lot of good sex lately and is feeling it,” Joss corrected.

  Yanking the bottle back, I took another chug. “Joss, his junk is so sore he can’t even put on underwear.”

  “How do you know that?” she shrilly asked.

  “Because men talk,” I told her. “And, if you don’t back off of the four-a-days and let him refill his tanks, you’re never going to get pregnant.”

  “I always forget that I hate you when you drink,” she pouted and jerked the bottle back. Ellie burst into laughter and Joss glared at her. “So you agree with her?”

  “He did ask Max for anti-chafe cream this morning,” she stated.

  “Oh god,” Joss moaned. “Why didn’t he tell me it was that bad?”

  “Because he loves you and only wants to make you happy. Plus he doesn’t want to look like a giant puss in front of his friends,” I added. “Isn’t that right, Ellie?” When she failed to answer I glanced over and caught her gazing across the bonfire lost in thought. I followed her stare and saw Dillon setting up his guitar amp with Dana right beside him. She was glaring across the fire at us.

  I nudged her with my shoulder. “What’s up?”

  “That girl is such a bad seed,” she said. I couldn’t agree more. Dana was pure evil.

  “I got some intel on Hulk,” Susannah said as she plopped down next to Joss. “It turns out that Garrett pulled him into your case yesterday, Piper. He and Cas are going to take turns protecting you and Reyn.”

  “Hopefully he has a better personality than ole’ caustic Caswell,” Reyn said. I didn’t even realize she was there.

  “Now Reynolds, Cas isn’t all that bad,” I half-slurred.

  Her eyes shot to me and grew five sizes bigger. “Not that bad? The guy is a complete dick.”

  “It’s just his defense mechanism,” I told her.

  “Explain.”

  “Like women use sexy clothing to draw men, Cas uses assholery to keep people away.”

  “B-b-but why? He’s gorgeous!” she exclaimed, “And how much of that bottle have you had to drink?”

  I stuck my tongue out at her like a petulant child.

  “On the outside Cas may seem harsh,” Ellie said, “but do any of us really know anything about him? We’ve constantly judged him by how he looks, but I don’t see any of us trying to get to know what’s on the inside.”

  “Not true,” Reyn said. “Ask Piper. We’ve spent the past week trying to pry his frozen heart open. I’m convinced there is nothing inside but ice.”

  “That’s when you know you need to try harder,” Ellie said.

  No one had anything to say to that, so we sat there and watched Dillon strum his guitar before leading into his version of John Mayer’s Gravity. I loved it when Dillon played for us. He was naturally magnetic, but when he played the guitar and sang with that deep sensual voice, he was absolutely hypnotizing.

  “By the way, who is the girl up in Gage’s room?” Reyn asked.

  Ellie shushed her, but it was too late. Way, way too late.

  I dropped my eyes back to my boots…the boots that were given out of love…A love that apparently was dead and gone. At least for Gage it was. The liquor flowing through my veins warmed my body, but not my heart. My heart was a sad and lonely shell of what it once was. Of course I was drunk so that magnified it by a thousand times.

  “Sorry,” Reyn said. “I didn’t know.”

  “You told me once how much you loved these boots. Do you still?” I quietly asked her.

  “Piper, don’t,” Joss said.

  “Who? Me?” Reyn squeaked and, as if realizing how stupid her question was said, “Y-yes, I love them. I mean who wouldn’t?”

  One at a time, I pulled them off of my feet. Then I stood and dropped them onto her lap. “They’re yours now. Take good care of them.”

  “Piper
!” Ellie and Joss both shouted.

  “I’ll be back in a few,” I told them and stumbled toward the kitchen.

  Of course, Dillon chose this exact moment to sing his incredibly haunting rendition of Pearl Jam’s Just Breathe to the girl he would never love. Figures.

  “Is she serious?” I heard Reyn ask.

  “No!” they shouted.

  Right as I hit the doorway, I remembered that Gage and Missy were upstairs. That was the last thing I needed to see right now. I passed by the door and veered around the back side of the garage where no one could see me. Then I pressed my back against the brick, placed my hands over my face and let the tears flow. I had to let him go…all of him. No more stupid stunts. No more dressing like a hooker to get his attention. No more anything. Not able to stand and cry at the same time, I slid down the wall onto the cold deck and wrapped my arms around my knees. I was emotionally worn out…done. Love sucked and I wanted nothing more to do with it. I pulled my knees tighter into my chest and lay my head on them. Then I cried for what might have been.

  Chapter Nineteen

  A gentle hand brushing across the top of my head startled me. I jerked my eyes up and there squatting in front of me was Cas. Not wanting him to see me like this, I dropped my head back onto my knees and told him to go away.

  “And leave you here to cry alone? Now what kind of guy would that make me? On second thought, don’t answer that.”

  “No need to change your caustic a-hole personality just because I’m crying,” I sniffled.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I looked up into his worried eyes and, surprisingly, told him the truth. “Talking won’t change anything. Nothing will.”

  He gave me a sympathetic smile. “But it might make you feel better.”

  Cas in my face being nice was more than I could handle right now. “Stop being so nice to me and go away, please.” When his hand stroked the top of my head a second time I shrugged it off. “Please go,” I sobbed.

  “What the hell?” someone who sounded amazingly like Gage asked. I lifted my head and, sure enough, Cas was gone and squatting in his place was Gage.