“Would you stop crying, already? I thought we were over the sad good-byes. This isn’t forever, Stella. We’ll be together again before you know it.”
Jack seemed so sure of himself, of us. He had no doubts, no fears, no outbursts. It made me wary of his true feelings. I knew that was stupid—Jack loved me and didn’t want me to leave, but he was so calm and unflustered about the situation. I didn’t want to read too much into his non-reaction, but I was scared. What if once I left, he forgot about me? What if I’d wasted these months falling in love only to have my heart broken when it became too hard to make the long distance thing work?
Questions. Insecurities. Fears. I had so many of them and nothing to soothe my worry. Other than my tears, I couldn’t let Jack know what I was thinking. I didn’t want to spoil our last night together. Suck it up, Stella. You can cry your eyeballs dry when you get on the plane tomorrow.
“You’re right.” I swiped my face and sat up tall. “No more tears.”
“Good.” Jack leaned over and kissed my forehead, then tucked his arm underneath my body as we sat snugly on the couch to watch the Hallmark channel.
“You know, all these Christmas movies aren’t helping the situation. They’re sad.” I flipped the channel, only to land on yet another sappy holiday flick. “What happened to Thanksgiving? It’s not even December. Poor turkey was totally looked over.”
Jack pulled me closer and wriggled the remote out of my hands again. “Huh. I never thought of it that way. I always loved Christmas movies. Full of hope and holiday spirit. Jolly, merry, ho, ho, ho.” Jack and his optimism. It was refreshing, but was it too much to ask for him to be a teensy bit depressed about me leaving? Our time in the sun was over. Darkness had cast it’s cold, gloomy shadow over our relationship and I couldn’t help but feel as if a hibernation of sorts would result from lack of the bright light Jack brought to my life.
“If you say so,” I mumbled. I couldn’t pretend. I was a mess. If I could cancel all my plans and forget everything I worked so hard for, I would. I would do that all for Jack. He was worth it.
Jack caught another tear rolling down my cheek and immediately turned the television off. “Hey, come on, baby. Please don’t cry.”
I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat but it was no use. I couldn’t contain the sadness and regret any longer. With my hands covering my eyes, I sobbed. Long, gut-wrenching, humiliating sobs that wracked my body and depleted me.
“Stella! Sunshine. Stop!” Jack shouted. He sat up and tried to pull my hands from my face.
I was so embarrassed that I was acting like this. A child who hadn’t gotten her way. A love-sick girl trying to avoid responsibility. Who was this person? What had Jack done to me?
I wanted to hate him for it, but I couldn’t. I loved everything about the person I was when I was with him. Even if it meant I’d become dependent on him. It wasn’t the sign of weakness I thought it to be in the past—pre-Jack. It was unfiltered proof of what he meant to me. Everything.
Jack’s grip grew tighter at my wrists and I succumbed to his tugging. Embarrassment washed over my tear-stained face. “I’m so sorry, Jack. I hate that I can’t control it. Please . . . please don’t look at me this way.” I shot up from my seat and stormed past him. I ran to the bathroom to blow my nose and wash up.
Once behind the locked door, Jack knocked, then pounded relentlessly. I begged him for some time alone to get it together and promised I’d be out in five minutes. I used those precious seconds to talk to myself in the mirror. There was no one in the world who could convince me that what I was doing was right, except for me.
The come-to-Jesus-moment brought me to my knees. I prayed, my hands clasped together, rocking back and forth on the cold tile floor. I thought about my mother. My rock. The woman who lost her parents and her husband and lived to tell about it—and love again. If she could survive the worst of the worst with grace and dignity, then I could surely get past a temporary separation from Jack.
He was right. It wouldn’t be forever. We’d talk every day. FaceTime and Skype. Texts and emails. Thank God for modern technology. I also praised the rational part of my brain that swayed me not to tell Jack the real time of my flight tomorrow morning.
He thought I was due at the airport for an eleven o’clock flight. I’d lied and booked the first plane out at seven o’clock. The long good-bye at the airport would only make things more painful. I’d slip out before the sun came up and leave him a note. He wouldn’t be happy, but knowing his true compassion, he’d understand. He had to. I couldn’t do it any other way.
“Sunshine, your five minutes are up. Come on out before I bust the door down.”
I found it in me to muster up a giggle and rose from the floor. With one last glance in the mirror, I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the most bittersweet night of my life.
Jack
My girl was torturing herself and I had to sit back and pretend it wasn’t killing me too. Each time she cried my heart seized. Every tear made my gut clench with suffering. This was shit! Mother fucking shit, shit, shit! But I had to keep it together or I’d give my secret away.
She was leaving tomorrow, but I’d be right behind her. I was able to book an afternoon flight into New York. According to our itineraries, there would only be a two hour gap between her arrival and mine. The two hours of waiting to get to her again would be like watching sand trickle through an hourglass, but it was nothing compared to the canyon of space and time that loomed ahead.
I couldn’t think about that now. If I did, I’d be locked up in that bathroom right along with Stella, weeping right beside her. We had something to look forward to, without her even aware. Spending the holiday together with her family, seeing New York as a couple, and scoping the scene for the possibility of our future. New York: City of Dreams. It would all work out in the end. It had to.
Even though I was hopeful, I still couldn’t shake our inevitable fate. Tonight was just a Band-Aid on the real good-bye that would come in a week when I returned to my empty apartment without her. I’d save my pussying out until then. I saw a future filled with nights curled up in the fetal position and drowning my sorrows in empty beer bottles. But not tonight. Tonight I had to hold it together. For Stella. For us. Make more memories to keep her smiling when I couldn’t do it myself. Besides, it would never really be ‘good-bye.’ I liked to think of it more as a ‘see ya later.’ No distance could wedge itself between what I felt for Stella. This was the real thing and I’d be damned if I let it slip away.
Grounding myself and adjusting my manhood, I banged my fists against the door. “Sunshine, your five minutes are up. Come on out before I bust the door down.”
I gave her a minute to finish up whatever the hell she was doing in there, and when the door swung open, I opened my arms to her. She flew into them and wilted against me. No tears, this time, but she clung to me desperately, like a lifeline.
“I love you so much, Jack.” Her voice was weak and hoarse from all her crying, but genuine emotion rang through her words.
“I love you, too, baby. We’ll be fine. You’ll see. I won’t let anything happen to us.” I believed it with every fiber of my being. I would move mountains, crawl across deserts, fight demons and slay dragons just to make this woman mine forever.
In that moment, with Stella in my arms, adrenaline pumping through my veins, and my heart sinking to my toes, I vowed to do whatever it took to get my ass on the same coast as my Sunshine. Nothing else mattered—money, work, friends, family. I needed her more than the air I breathed. Hell, if she wasn’t around the air I needed for survival was inadequate. It was sweeter when mixed with her scent, more potent when painted with her presence, and enhanced by her intoxicating essence.
Something—a need from deep within—overtook me. It was suddenly vital that she knew exactly how desperate I was to be with her forever. I backed up to get a good look at her. She scanned my face, her eyes bloodshot and swollen but still capt
ivating as fuck. I held her chin in my hand and trained my gaze on her stunning beauty. “I need you, Stella. I need you so much I don’t know how I’ll survive even one second without you, but I will, because you’re mine. You didn’t know it then, but you were mine from that night at your mother’s wedding. It hasn’t been long and skeptics will be skeptics, but I don’t give a shit what anyone else has to say. I’ve never felt this alive. You’re it for me, baby. Here, there, wherever. I will make this work if it’s the very last thing I ever do. I promise you that. Okay?”
Stella’s lip quivered as she held back the tears. She lowered her gaze to the floor but I forced her eyes back on me with a finger under her chin. After a long, shaky sigh, she threw her head back and then came back to me with a smile. “I know we said we wanted to stay in and just be together . . . but.” Her plump lower lip was trapped between her teeth as she grinned. “I’m thinking all this crying can be cured with something a little more powerful than Pinot.”
I narrowed my gaze, arched my brows. “Oh, yeah. And what do you have in mind?”
She leaned in, went up on her tip toes and placed a soft, wet kiss on my lips. “Let’s go out with a bang,” she whispered. “Drinks. Dancing. You name it. I don’t want this night to end, so let’s make it last as long as possible.”
It was definitely a far cry from the original plan we made, but with Stella I was game for anything. “Then go put on your dancing shoes, Sunshine. Let’s make this a night you’ll never forget.”
Stella
I thought he’d never fall asleep and stay that way. Between being drunk and insatiable, Jack had not given in easily. I could curse him for the measly two hours of sleep I managed, but it wasn’t his fault. I was the one lying. I was the one sneaking out on the man I loved because I was too much of a coward to face saying good-bye without wanting to die.
But this was no better. I was ready to go, everything in its place out in the hall, Uber called, t’s crossed and i’s dotted. So why couldn’t I bring myself to walk away?
Because that man is your future, you idiot. You’re giving up one dream to fulfill another.
I shooed my inner thoughts and begged them to go to hell. Besides, that wasn’t exactly true. Falling in love was never part of my plan nor was it a dream I’d set my sights on. I was only twenty-one. I’d vowed long before Jack to live my life without a man first so I could build a solid foundation on my own and not for anyone else.
The unfortunate part of that was that I had fallen in love. It was too late. Now all I could think about was how to make Jack fit into the foundation I’d so carefully constructed without him in mind.
I closed my eyes, breathed in his warm, manly scent, and let the memories of the last few months engulf all five senses. His raw beauty and his incredible way of opening my eyes to new experiences made my heart flutter. Reminders of how he growled my name during sex or whispered hilarious one-liners in my ear made me smile. With my arms wrapped around my own body, I could almost feel his lips ghost kisses across my skin as I remembered our lovemaking last night. And lastly, although I had a bitter taste of regret on my tongue as I turned to leave, I would never forget the way Jack tasted. If hope had a flavor, Jack’s kisses embodied it.
How could I walk away from something that made every part of my body bloom with hope? Jack was no longer an imaginary possibility or a fleeting thought. He was a constant. Something I didn’t dare imagine living without. He was my destiny. I could have love and a career, and once I was in New York, away from the temptation of throwing myself back into his bed and staying wrapped in his arms forever, I would figure out a way to make it all work. My clouded delusions of sacrifice and disappointment were not allowed to weigh me down anymore.
I blew him one last kiss and backed out of the room as quietly as I could. The letter I wrote explaining why I lied about my flight lay on the nightstand so it would be the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes. Well, the second, because he would undoubtedly realize I was gone before he got to the note. I prayed he wouldn’t hate me for this.
As I took one final glance of the apartment a shiver rushed through me. The dread that accompanied the shudder was almost strong enough to change my mind. Thankfully, my willpower prevailed.
“Good-bye, Jack,” I whispered to no one, and shut the door behind me. I pulled my luggage down the hall with long strides and soft footfalls. Tears soaked my face and blurred my vision. I made it outside, where weak sunlight greeted me, barely peeking through the morning clouds.
I scoffed as I recognized the irony of today’s overcast sky. I was Jack’s Sunshine. The brightness he loved so much was snuffed out by his absence. I wasn’t even gone yet, but gloom was taking over me the way it would overshadow today’s weather.
Before I could dwell any further on the paradox, a car pulled up to the curb. Its trunk popped open as soon as it was in park. Too tired to care about the rude driver and his lack of consideration, I hauled my two suitcases into the trunk with a huff. I slammed it shut and gave in to the devastating sadness.
I cried. Sobbed. Whimpered. I let it all sink in and allowed it to take control. I should’ve been embarrassed to get into the Uber that way, but I wasn’t. I was too immersed in self-pity to care what anyone else thought. Plugging my ears with my iPod buds, I tuned to the track that most reminded me of happy times with Jack. I Got by Young the Giant. I blasted it loud enough to drown everything else out. Once I sat in the car, I distractedly announced my destination and closed my eyes. And pictured the love of my life singing the words to me.
Jack
The alarm blared at an obnoxious volume and an even more detestable hour, considering Stella and I went to bed extremely late. I’d made sure to set the clock a half hour earlier than necessary and adjusted the sound to the highest level possible. There would be no oversleeping today. I wanted to savor every last second I had with my sad Sunshine, even though she would be back in my arms tonight as if we’d never separated.
With a pep to my step and excitement over my surprise fueling my tired bones, I leapt into a sitting position to find Stella’s side of the bed empty. I listened for her in the bathroom, the kitchen, but all was silent. Eerily silent. Maybe it was just my subconscious giving me a taste of what was to come. Not cool. I didn’t like it one bit, and after tonight, I’d find a way to make sure I never had to feel this empty again.
“Stella,” I called, rubbing my eyes and cracking my neck from side to side.
No answer.
“Sunshine?” I called this time, tilting my head to the door.
Nothing.
“Baby . . .” I shot up from the bed and that’s when I saw it.
A blue piece of note paper lay folded on my nightstand. My name was scrolled across the front in Stella’s bubbly handwriting. My heart drummed in my ears as I lunged for it, grabbed it, and then clutched it in my fist.
Before opening it, I checked the apartment. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but how could I not? I could very well be holding a Dear John letter in my hands and my brain was about to explode from the impending devastation.
“Stella!” I called once more, scouring every inch of the apartment with no sign of her. Upon further inspection, I realized her luggage was gone and all traces of her were absent. My gut sank as I collapsed into the couch cushions. I slid my hands down my face and fought the urge to punch a hole in the wall. What good would that do? It wouldn’t bring her back.
My last ounce of hope was resting in the palm of my hand. This piece of half-crumpled paper held the weight of my existence in it. Were my arrangements to fly out to surprise Stella made in vain? Was this letter a break-up letter? Dear Lord, anything but that!
Without another moment’s hesitation, I unfolded the note and allowed the air to refill my lungs as I read her words.
*
Dear Jack,
By now you’ve probably realized that I’m gone, but before you flip out or think the worst, I need you to know that althou
gh it was selfish to leave without telling you, I did this for the sake of my sanity. I lied to you about my flight because I knew I wouldn’t survive an airport good-bye. Please understand that this is by no means a “good-bye” letter, but rather a plea for you to sympathize with a woman whose heart just broke as she walked out of that apartment.
*
Okay, at least she wasn’t breaking up with me. But I was still pissed that she lied. I needed to be there to send her off and wish her a safe flight. I wanted to understand her reasons for doing things this way.
Pretending not to be hurt by her one-sided decision, I read on.
*
This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Before you, I had it all mapped out. I knew what I wanted and where I would get it. New York was a door that led to every answer I ever had a question for. I was happy with where my life was headed. And then you changed all of that. For the good, of course.
I’m so in love with you, Jack Davis. Or should I say, Flame? You like what I did there? It’s the nickname I came up with for you. And before you go and hate it, you have to understand why it’s the absolute perfect fit. I may be your Sunshine but, Jack, you light up my world. You’re the spark to my fire, baby, and no matter how far apart we are, you’ll always be the Flame that makes me shine brighter than I ever knew I could.
I hope that makes up for the temple-throbbing on the left side of that gorgeous head of yours. The way it always does when you get mad. Please relax. I’m safe. I’m almost home, and once I am you’ll be the first person I call. We have a lot to figure out and so many things to think about, but I’m willing to do absolutely anything to make you a priority. Got it . . . Flame? You’re stuck with me.
Freeing Destiny (Fate #2) Page 18