Sooo Not Looking For a Man: A witty, heart-warming and poignant, feel-good journey.

by CJ Morrow

  ‘Don’t panic,’ Dad says, trying to hide the sound of his own panic from his voice. ‘Let’s just think.’

  ‘What?’ I snap.

  ‘Are there any shoes here you could wear instead? I’m sure Mum has some suitable in her wardrobe.’

  ‘No,’ I snap again, before flopping down onto the bed.

  Dad glances at his watch. ‘O-k-a-y, if we leave now we can stop off and get them, it’s almost on the way, only a slight detour.’

  ‘But we’ll be late.’

  ‘Bride’s prerogative,’ Dad says, offering me his hand and pulling me off the bed. ‘Come on. Let’s go. Fortunately, your car and driver have been waiting outside for the past ten minutes anyway.’

  ‘I don’t want to be too late,’ I say as I look for my handbag, then remember that Mum has taken it for me. ‘I haven’t got my phone, I can’t even let anyone know,’ I wail, turning into the very thing I didn’t want to be, a stressed-out bridezilla.

  ‘Calm down.’ Dad’s voice is quiet yet authoritative. ‘Once we’re on our way, I’ll text your mum.’

  ‘She never looks at her phone,’ I snap, which isn’t strictly true, but she does have it on silent all the time and won’t be expecting to look at it now. ‘Text Cat instead.’

  ‘I’ll do that,’ Dad says, ushering me out of the door and towards the lovely black limo waiting for us.

  In the end it’s me who texts Cat on Dad’s phone, and tells her what’s happening, she replies with a couple of emojis and tells me not to worry; Leeward hasn’t arrived yet anyway, but Jayne has and her hair is peacock blue, or it could be green, Cat isn’t too sure. She has feathers in it too, instead of a hat.

  ‘I hope Leeward’s not still at the house,’ I say to Dad once I’ve relayed the message.

  ‘He won’t be, not by the time we get there.’

  Now I’ve got something else to worry about; bumping in Leeward before the ceremony, now that would be bad luck.

  ∞∞∞

  It’s only as we get to my front door, I realise I don’t have my keys. I knock hoping that Leeward is here, but at the same time not wishing any more bad luck on myself. But it’s fine, he’s not here, there is no response. Which isn’t fine at all.

  ‘Everything okay?’ Dad

  ‘All this way and I don’t have a key,’ I wail. ‘We can’t get in and I can’t get married in these, can I?’ I kick my left foot up and show Dad my pink, fluffy slippers.

  ‘No, I suppose not.’ His voice is too calm for my liking, far too calm. ‘So it’s lucky then that because they take up less room in my pocket, I have your Mum’s keys.’ He jangles the keys in the air, grinning inanely.

  ‘Give.’ I snatch them from his hands. It is fortunate that I gave Mum a spare key and only recently too, because I wanted her to drop something off for the wedding – laughably, I can’t even remember what – when Leeward and I were at work.

  I fumble the key in the lock and fall through the door.

  ‘Let me go,’ Dad says, almost pleading. ‘Better than running around in all your finery.’

  ‘You’ll never find them, Dad. Won’t be long,’ I screech as I hitch my dress up around my hips and gallop up the stairs.

  Dad hovers by the front door as I lumber about in our bedroom, extricate my wedding shoes from their box in my wardrobe and squidge my feet into them. Squidge being the operative word as all these hours in fluffy, unsupportive slippers have allowed my feet to spread. I’m beginning to hate my wedding day.

  I hobble across my bedroom towards the door and hear the sound of vibrating. What the hell was that?

  Leeward’s phone is still charging on his bedside table. He must have left in quite a hurry to leave that behind; he rarely lets it out of his sight. I grab it for him and wonder if he’s missed it. Maybe that was him ringing himself trying to locate it. As I clomp down the stairs flatfooted, as neither the shoes nor my feet are able to bend, the phone vibrates again in my hand. It’s Alfie. I’ve no idea who Alfie is, probably one of his mates trying to locate Leeward’s phone for him. Alfie rings off before I get the chance to answer. Oh well, I’ll surprise Leeward with the phone once we’re married.

  Dad holds the car door open for me and I climb in, relieved and pleased to have my shoes, and Leeward’s phone. I feel my stress levels begin to diminish as we start the drive to the venue. We’ll soon be on the bypass so that should make up for some of the time we’ve lost.

  ‘You’ll hardly be late at all,’ Dad says.

  ‘Good, five minutes is okay, any longer will cause Leeward anxiety, I don’t want our married life to start like that.’

  ‘No.’ Dad smiles. ‘Do you want me to take that or are you going to clutch it all through the ceremony?’ Dad says, pointing at Leeward’s phone. 'I can put it in my pocket.’

  ‘Good idea,’ I say. A message pops up just as I’m about to hand it over and, despite myself, I cannot resist reading it before it disappears. It’s from Alfie, again.

  Sorry you can’t take my calls. Suppose you’re at the stupid wedding now, lol.

  Stupid wedding? Stupid wedding? Who the hell is this Alfie to say something like that to Leeward on his wedding day? I feel my stress levels start to rise again. Calm down, it’s a joke, isn’t it?

  I pull the phone back in front of me and swipe to open it. Of course, I can’t, the phone is password protected. I don’t know the password. Think, think, what might it be? I try my birthday, Leeward’s, his mum’s. Nothing works. I’ve probably seen him type those numbers a hundred times and taken no notice. I picture his fingers swiping around the screen, trying to visualise it in my head. I try a few more but nothing works. I’ll be asking Leeward who the hell this Alfie thinks he is and to have a word with him, I assume he’s not at our wedding. Sighing, I pass the phone over for Dad to take it, but just as he holds out his hand another message pops up.

  Sorry I can’t be there. Hope your best man duties are not too onerous. Don’t get off with the chief bridesmaid, lol.

  What the…

  Hold on, maybe this isn’t Leeward’s phone. Phew, of course it’s not, it must be Kenton’s. He must have stayed the night at our place with Leeward. Of course, how stupid of me, this is Kenton’s phone and Alfie is a woman, not a man.

  Typical Kenton. Poor Suzi doesn’t stand a chance despite Jayne’s interfering.

  I’m just about to hand it to Dad when another message pops up.

  Just wanted to say, Lee, that last night was amazing. I love you so much, too. I’m looking forward to building a happy future with you.

  What?

  Is this not Kenton’s phone? Is Lee, Leeward?

  My stomach drops and I feel quite sick. I start scrabbling around on the phone trying to get through its security. If this is Leeward’s phone what would the pass code be? Think, think, think.

  Then I try a lucky guess, 1111. As I try it, I know it will work. I’ve seen him type this so many times, even if I haven’t paid attention, it’s gone into my brain. It’s Lord of the Rings – one ring to rule them all. It works.

  I scroll through his messages, his exchanges with Alfie. Months and months’ worth. Some are so explicit I gulp. Leeward never says things like this to me. I always think of him as a prude. There is nothing prudish about these conversations.

  This must be a mistake. This isn’t Leeward’s phone. Somehow, he’s picked up someone else’s. That’s it. A perfectly feasible explanation.

  Who am I fooling?

  I flick over to his gallery, check on his photos, there are plenty of me, and me and him together, but there are just as many of Leeward, or Lee, with another woman, a woman who is not me. Her face doesn’t show in any of the photos, just the back of her glossy blonde head, or the side but never her face. Is she being careful or teasing? I keep scrolling, then I find what I dread, the porny pics. I recognise the lower half of Leeward’s naked torso instantly, then I see the large, though ultra-toned and cellulite free buttocks of his mistress.

  �
��Stop the car, stop the car,’ I screech.

  In the rear-view mirror I see confusion in the driver’s eyes.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Dad asks. ‘You’ve gone very pale.’

  ‘Stop the car. I’m going to be sick.’

  ‘Pull over,’ Dad yells, but the driver is already lurching us onto the hard shoulder. We pull up fast, our seat belts locking with the impact. I undo mine and jump out.

  I’m still holding the phone, still clutching the evil evidence when I vomit onto the grassy embankment as cars and lorries hurtle past, a few giving me the benefit of a beep and a toot. What must I look like – a bride in all her finery puking on the bypass?

  When I’ve finished I slump down onto the grass, my head on my knees, my dress all around me, my shoes, so pretty with the pearl encrusted toes, peeking up at me.

  ‘What’s wrong? Is it something you ate? Are you feeling better?’

  I look at Dad. I’m not crying. Not yet. I hold the phone out to him.

  He takes it in his hand, looks at it, then at me, then shakes his head.

  ‘It’s locked,’ he says.

  I reach up and stab in the numbers to unlock it.

  ‘Read the messages from Alfie.’

  Dad’s eyes widen in horror as he follows my instructions. Long seconds pass as I watch him scrolling.

  ‘Jesus,’ he says, half under his breath. ‘The little bastard.’

  ‘Yeah.’ I reach for the phone.

  We stay there as the minutes tick away, me on the grass, Dad standing beside me, the driver hovering by the car, careful not to join us, but also careful to keep the car between him and the traffic.

  I’m still not crying, which is surprising. I think I’m too shocked to cry. I’m searching my brain for how this can all be a mistake, looking for a solution as though this is a puzzle, a game.

  ‘Why don’t you sit down?’ I say to Dad.

  ‘I won’t. Suit’s hired.’ He gives me a little smile, a half shrug. The stupid suits that Leeward wanted, all matching.

  The driver looks over at Dad and frowns a question. He thinks I don’t notice.

  Dad coughs a little. ‘Do you want to go home?’

  I shake my head slowly. I don’t think I’ve got a home any longer.

  Dad nods then turns away, faces the traffic; his shoulders go up and down. I hope he’s not crying.

  A lorry toots its horn then pulls up in front of the bridal car. I imagine how we look to other drivers, a bride on the grass verge, the father of the bride looking anxious. The driver pacing, slowly, patiently. We look as though we’ve broken down, as though we’re waiting for help.

  The driver walks up to the meet the lorry driver who is marching towards us. Words are exchanged and the lorry driver leaves, careful not to stare at me, but he can’t help casting several glances over his shoulder.

  Dad’s phone vibrates in his pocket and for a moment I think it’s another message for Leeward. From Alfie.

  I’m beginning to wonder if Leeward is even going to turn up today. It’s very obvious that there’s serious stuff between him and this Alfie bitch. But why go through all this? This is the wedding he wanted. I shudder at the cost. He’s been distant lately, and I’ve been preoccupied with the wedding arrangements. Is that why he’s strayed? Is he going to humiliate me and leave me standing at the altar? Well, wedding desk to be exact, it’s not a church.

  Dad turns to me, his phone in his hand.

  ‘It’s Cat,’ he says. ‘She says Leeward and his brothers are there now. She’s wondering how long we’re going to be.’

  He’s not leaving me at the altar then. He’s there, he’s waiting. For me.

  Maybe it’s all a joke, or a mistake. It’s one of his mates. It’s a stalker. I think of his responses. The photos. No. No mistake.

  I stand up. Straighten my shoulders. Take a deep breath – more traffic fumes than oxygen.

  ‘Let’s go.’ I stumble down the embankment, heading for the car. The driver opens the door.

  ‘Where to?’ Dad climbs in beside me. ‘Home?’

  ‘No. Wedding.’ I smile at the driver in the rear-view mirror. ‘Get us to the venue as fast as possible,’ I tell him. ‘I don’t want to keep my fiancé waiting any longer.’

  Dad reaches over and grips my hand, the one that isn’t clutching Leeward’s phone. ‘Perhaps it’s a mistake,’ he offers.

  I force a smile and a nod, even though I can feel the tears pricking at the corners of my eyes, a lump in my throat just fighting to escape. I inhale and exhale through my nose several times.

  ∞∞∞

  When we pull up at the venue Cat is hovering outside. She looks more annoyed than concerned.

  ‘Where have you been? Leeward’s shitting himself in there. You’re fifteen minutes late. I know it’s the bride’s right to be late but not this much…’ She stops, looks me up and down while stuffing my bouquet into my hands. I take it only with my left hand, I’m still clutching the phone in my right. ‘Give that to Dad,’ she says. ‘Is everything okay?’

  ‘I need the phone.’ I link arms with Dad and urge him on. The other bridesmaids appear as Cat corals them into position. I look at their dresses and think of how much all this shit has cost.

  I used to have my own car.

  ‘You don’t need the phone.’ Cat makes a grab for it.

  ‘I do.’

  I feel Dad wince.

  The wedding room looks amazing, no expense spared, flowers everywhere. The music starts, heads turn, a hush shimmers down the room as we hover in the doorway. Jayne’s peacock hair-do quivers and quakes in a sea of normal hair.

  ‘Oh my God, your dress is stained at the back,’ Cat whispers, and tries to rub at the stain.

  ‘Doesn’t matter.’ I swipe her hand away.

  Dad and I take a fast march up the aisle, not the sedate one I had imagined. As we draw level Leeward casts me a look of relief mixed with annoyance. Over his shoulder Steve nods but Kenton beams at me, showing off his perfect white teeth. The brothers are standing in height order, short Leeward, medium Steve, tall and elegant Kenton. I give them my sweetest smile and use my bridal flowers to hide the phone, even though I should have handed them to Cat by now, who is hovering on her seat ready to take them. I ignore her.

  The Registrar starts to speak as Leeward and I face each other, ready to commit ourselves. We’ve already agreed that we’re going with the standard vows, neither of us wishing to make a gushing, personal speech. I wait while Leeward parrots his out; he really is going through with this. Have I made a mistake? Have I misinterpreted?

  I stop the Registrar as she starts to read out what I am to repeat.

  ‘I have my own,’ I half whisper.

  Leeward frowns. I smile at him, toss the flowers to Cat who performs an amazing one-handed catch, and produce the phone. He looks confused. Of course he does, we haven’t pre-agreed this. I unlock the phone. When I start to speak my voice is clear and concise and surprisingly free of emotion.

  ‘I’m looking forward to building a happy future with you,’ I read.

  Leeward smiles at me.

  ‘Don’t get off with the chief bridesmaid, lol.’ I turn to the wedding guests and frown. ‘Hardly likely as that is my sister who cannot really stand Leeward.’ I giggle as Cat looks aghast.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Leeward mumbles. He’s slow, this boy.

  ‘Sorry you can’t take my calls. Suppose you’re at the stupid wedding now, lol,’ I say to his face before turning back to our guests. ‘Obviously, I didn’t say that.’ I smirk before continuing. ‘Just wanted to say, Lee, that last night was amazing. We weren’t together last night,’ I say to the guests. ‘I love you so much too and look forward to sharing the rest of our lives together.’

  Realisation is dawning on my fiancé’s face. He makes a half-hearted grab for the phone, but I’m too quick for him, dodging his grab, swiping him out of the way with my free arm and continuing with another message.

  ‘Yo
u might want to cover little ears for these ones,’ I say, my voice incredibly calm. ‘I cannot wait to feel your hard cock inside me again.’

  A gasp goes around the room like a Mexican wave followed by an intense silence. Oh, I have everyone’s attention now.

  ‘When you come inside me it feels like a thousand stars explode. Yuk! Pass the sick bucket, please.’ I smile at Leeward, who just stares at me. Behind him Kenton is open mouthed and Steve looks disgusted. Jayne has her hand over her mouth. Suzi, sitting with Jayne, is suppressing a little smirk. I shift my position slightly to see Mum staring straight ahead, tears brimming the rims of her eyes. Dad has his head down.

  ‘Give me that.’ Leeward lunges towards me. I hurl the phone in the air, expecting it to crash to the ground, but, rather impressively, he catches it.

  ‘I think Leeward might be a bit confused about who he is marrying,’ I say to the guests. ‘Oops, caught out.’ I sound so jolly; I don’t feel it. I suppose it’s the adrenaline that’s keeping me going.

  Leeward runs out of the wedding room.

  ‘Good riddance, you hateful little Gollum,’ Grimmy’s voice echoes around the room, followed by a few titters which stop abruptly when people realise how inappropriate it is to laugh.

  Leeward’s brothers march, rather than run out; Kenton gives me a look of apology. Jayne and Suzi follow. All through this no one else speaks, they just let their eyes do the talking.

  Once the door bangs shut behind Jayne, I let out a big sigh.

  ‘Sorry you all had to witness that. It seems that my fiancé has been having a very intense affair with another woman for the last six months and I only just found out on the way here. Lucky escape for me, eh?’ Do I really mean that? ‘Anyway, since we’re all here in our finery and there’s a lovely meal, not to mention real champagne, waiting for us, I suggest we go and party like we’ve never partied before. I’m begging you all to please stay, because it’s all been paid for and Leeward made me sell my car to finance this and I don’t want it all going to waste.’ I sniff. Oh dear, open the floodgates, here come the tears. Oh shit.

  Four