Sooo Not Looking For a Man: A witty, heart-warming and poignant, feel-good journey.

by CJ Morrow

  I want to say that so was Leeward, that he knocked me off my feet the first time I met him, but that would be childish, wouldn’t it?

  ‘We were soon kissing and groping in the corner. Sounds seedy saying it now, but at the time… well, we exchanged phone numbers. I didn’t message her the next day or the day after that, I thought once she’d sobered up and remembered me, she’d be regretting it. I didn’t want to put her in that position. Or myself, if I’m honest, it’s horrible being knocked back.’

  I don’t understand why Phillip is so lacking in confidence. He looks hot. Stop it. Maybe he looked more like Spice man back then.

  ‘She rang me. Not messaged, rang. She suggested I buy her dinner. She was very forward.’

  ‘Oh. Right.’ Is that the best I can do?

  ‘I liked it. I hadn’t been in a relationship for over two years. I wasn’t looking. But it felt good to be chased by such a stunning woman.’

  If he says she’s stunning again I might be sick.

  ‘We went out for dinner and it went from there. Rapidly. Within weeks we were seeing each other four, five times a week. We went out, but mostly I went to her place, she had a son, he was three at the time, he only went to his father’s every other weekend. I didn’t meet her son, Edward – she called him Teddie – for six, maybe seven, weeks. She didn’t want to confuse him, which I thought was fair enough. When I did meet him he was a cute little kid, dark hair and eyes just like hers.’ He stops again and swallows hard.

  ‘Yes,’ I mutter, nodding.

  ‘It wasn’t serious between us. Just a bit of fun, she made that clear. And it was fun, immense fun. She was a…’

  Please don’t say stunner again.

  ‘Good laugh,’ he continues, mercifully without using the ‘s’ word. ‘Her husband – they were still married, just separated – had gone off with a colleague, a younger version of Bel. She was still smarting from the rejection. She just wanted a bit of fun. I was happy with that. I was more a revenge shag than a serious relationship.’

  Well, so far this isn’t a tragic story.

  ‘Then she announced she was pregnant. Which surprised me, I thought we’d been careful, but evidently not careful enough. It was a shock. She said she understood if I didn’t want to continue seeing her but she’d be keeping the baby no matter what I did. I could hardly walk away, could I? My own child. What sort of man does that?’

  There are tears running down his face, he makes no attempt to wipe them away, but he also doesn’t make a sound. I reach over and squeeze his hand again.

  My mind is racing ahead, I know something happens with the little girl. Maybe she’s ill, or injured, or something. I want to know but I don’t want to know. I’m not sure I can bear it.

  He sniffs then uses the back of his hand to wipe his face. I want to offer a tissue but I don’t have my bag with me, just my keys and phone stuffed into my pockets.

  ‘She was seven months pregnant when I moved in with her. I thought about selling my house but with her not being divorced it was complicated. Her husband still co-owned her home. I let mine out, the rent covered the mortgage, even after tax. Then I paid a substantial amount towards their mortgage every month, Bel’s and her husband’s. It seemed a fair arrangement. Josh, her husband, he liked it because it meant he could rent somewhere better for himself. It was all very amicable. Tidy. Bel didn’t want to do anything permanent until her divorce was sorted out. Then, we could both sell our houses and buy somewhere together. Josh paid something towards Teddie so we managed fine.’

  He pauses again, I look over at him and see his Adam’s apple going up and down as he swallows rapidly.

  ‘Oh.’ I jump as a large wet splat hits my arm, quickly followed by another one. For a stupid moment I imagine Phillip is crying again and these are his tears.

  ‘Rain,’ he says.

  We both look up at the sky, no longer blue, it’s covered by a dark cloud.

  ‘I hadn’t noticed it getting darker,’ I say, jumping up. ‘Shadow,’ I call. ‘Shall we go to my place, it’s the nearest?’ I am so presumptuous.

  He hesitates for a second or two. ‘Okay.’ He whistles for his dog and they both come running.

  ‘I’ve been practicing that,’ I say, implying I’m as good at whistling as he is.

  ‘Easier than shouting.’

  By the time we reach the end of my street the rain is gathering pace, falling in fat drops that splat on the ground, on our faces, in my freshly washed hair. We scoot down the street, our heads down.

  ‘There you are?’ a familiar voice says.

  ‘Cat?’ I look up and see her standing under an umbrella next to her car.

  ‘I’ve been banging on your door and ringing you.’

  ‘Oh, um, right.’

  ‘Lidl,’ she says, prompting me. ‘Middle of Lidl.’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘Oh, hello,’ Cat says, turning her attention to Phillip, her eyes widening.

  ‘Let’s get inside.’ I yank my keys out and we all dart for the door.

  Once inside, Cat turns to Phillip. ‘I’m Cat, Lauren’s sister.’

  ‘Phillip,’ he says. ‘Nice to meet you.’

  ‘You too.’ She gives him a megawatt smile before turning back to me. ‘I’ve got Grimmy in the car.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Once she got wind of where we were going, she wanted to come. Seen the adverts, heard about it, needs to see for herself.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘Also, Mum and Dad needed to do some things. So I’ll have to go back out in a min. You know what she’s like.’ She starts fumbling with her umbrella again as she opens the front door. ‘Oh, it’s stopped. Weird weather.’

  ‘It has,’ Phillip says, peering out. ‘Look, I’ll get off so you can go to Lidl with your sister.’ Is he smirking?

  ‘Oh but…’ I start. ‘I can…’

  ‘Some other time.’ He gives me a quick peck on the cheek – which is rather nice – pulls on Betty’s lead and he’s gone.

  ‘Soon,’ I call after him. ‘Just got to use the loo and get my bag,’ I yell to Cat who’s now getting into her car.

  ‘Did you forget about us?’ Grimmy accuses when I get in the back seat.

  ‘No, just lost track of the time, that’s all. Anyway, I didn’t know you were coming, Grimmy.’

  ‘Well, I am,’ she says.

  ‘Cool. It’ll be fun.’

  In the back of the car I message Phillip and apologise. He replies with several laughing faces.

  ∞∞∞

  ‘You kept him quiet,’ Cat whispers as we trundle across Lidl’s car park in search of a trolley while Grimmy waits for us in the car. The car park is heaving because Lidl has only been open a few days and there’s a multitude of opening offers on.

  ‘No, I didn’t. I’ve told you about him before.’

  ‘No, you haven’t.’

  ‘I have.’

  ‘Haven’t.’

  ‘This is juvenile.’

  ‘No it isn’t.’

  ‘Stop it, Cat. It’s not funny.’

  ‘Well who is he?’

  I wonder what I should say. Will I regret telling her? ‘Spice man.’

  ‘Nooo. Spice man? Really? I thought Spice man was all thin and scruffy and trampy and slept in the park.’

  ‘Well he doesn’t now.’

  ‘No, he’s rather dishy. I mean not quite Thor standard, but…’

  ‘Shut up.’ We trundle back to the car and wait for Grimmy who lowers her window.

  ‘I think I might stay here now. I’ve seen enough. Too many people,’ she says. ‘You can bring me another day, Cat, in the week when it’s empty.’

  ‘Oh Grimmy,’ Cat says, struggling to hide her annoyance. ‘It’ll be fine once we’re inside.’

  ‘No, you go and enjoy yourselves, girls, while I wait for you. Don’t be too long.’

  ‘Okay, Grimmy,’ we chorus between gritted teeth.

  ‘How does she manage to suck all the joy out of everyth
ing?’ Cat says as we head towards the shop.

  ‘She’s old, she’s had a tricky life in some parts…’ I’m defending Grimmy when really I’m just as irritated as Cat. We’ll have to be quick now because we’re already fretting about leaving an old lady in the car on a very warm and muggy day. Even if she can open the window.

  ‘I suppose.’ Cat looks at me and smirks. ‘Says the new tragedy queen of the family.’

  ‘No I’m not. Shut up.’

  ‘Oh, look at the bakery.’

  I wouldn’t really call it a bakery, but I have to admit that the cakes and pastries on display look amazing. So amazing that we choose a selection. Cat has some for her family, I have some to take home, we get something for now to eat in the car before we leave and some to take home for Mum and Dad. We’re barely through the store door and we’ve spent a fortune on cakes.

  ‘I’ll have that one,’ a croaky voice says from behind us.

  ‘Grimmy. I thought you didn’t want to come in.’

  ‘You were taking too long, I thought I’d come and see what all the fuss was about. Don’t worry, I’ve locked the car. A nice man helped me.’

  ‘I’ll just go and check,’ Cat says, a look of alarm in her eyes.

  I grab Grimmy’s choice of cake and put it in a bag.

  ‘And I’ll have that one for later,’ Grimmy says, pointing a crooked finger at a large, lemon doughnut. ‘That’ll be nice with a cup of tea. Cat can do that for me when we get home.’

  ‘All right,’ I say with a smile. Lucky Cat. ‘Everything okay?’ I ask when Cat quickly returns.

  ‘Yes, amazingly,’ she mutters under her breath.

  ‘Told you I’d locked it.’ Grimmy tuts. She really doesn’t miss a thing.

  We move on down the shop, Cat picks up some tomatoes, I get a hand of bananas, neither of us needs to do a big shop, but some things just look too nice to miss. Finally, we arrive at the middle where all the exciting, and in some cases, downright weird stuff, is displayed. Cat looks like a kid in a toy shop.

  ‘In there a café in here where I can go and sit down? All this standing and waiting is giving me leg ache.’

  ‘No, Grimmy, there isn’t.’

  ‘No? Oh. Well there is in Sainsburys, we should have gone to Sainsburys.’

  ‘That’s not the point, Grimmy,’ Cat explains.

  ‘What’s not?’

  ‘Well, this is a different kind of shop and we wanted to come here.’

  ‘It certainly is if there’s no café for weary shoppers to rest their legs.’ Grimmy starts casting her eyes around looking for a chair. She’s so dinky that she could almost fit in the kiddie seat in the trolley. Cat sees me looking between the seat and Grimmy.

  ‘Don’t tempt me,’ she says.

  ‘Tempt you? I’m not tempting you.’ Grimmy scowls at Cat, and Cat scowls back.

  ‘You’re in a funny mood today, Cat,’ I say before turning to Grimmy. ‘Shall I take you back to the car?’

  ‘Yes, I think so. I’ll take my cake with me too. I can have that while you’re in here. But don’t be all day.’

  I rummage around for Grimmy’s cake and we head for the tills where the queues are long and winding and where everyone has trollies full of the weird stuff from the middle.

  ‘Oh, Grimmy, shall I just get your cake later? We’ll be ages waiting.’

  ‘Old lady coming through. Very old lady coming through. I’m nearly a hundred,’ Grimmy tells a man with a chainsaw and cake decorating set in his trolley.

  Astonishingly people let us pass until we’re pushing in at the front of the queue to pay for one cake. I fumble the cash out of my purse, which is all in 5ps and 2ps, because I don’t have much actual cash on me since I always pay by card. This all seems to take ages and I can feel people’s hostility bristling around me.

  ‘Thank you all for your help,’ Grimmy croaks, addressing our audience. ‘I was in the Blitz, you know,’ she adds. ‘In London.’

  ‘Let’s go.’ I link arms with her and attempt to hurry her away. Talk about cringeworthy.

  And I have to go back in there in a minute.

  ∞∞∞

  ‘That was quick,’ Cat says, when I return. She already has a trolley full of stuff, two pairs of rubber shoes, a sequin top, a kitchen bin. She catches me examining her shopping. ‘Everything is so cheap,’ she says defensively, ‘And good quality. Grimmy okay?’

  ‘Yes. For now. She was already moaning we’d been too long. Told me to hurry you up. I don’t know why you brought her. You know what she’s like.’ I know I shouldn’t complain about her, I should be – no I am – grateful that she’s so sprightly, so with it at her age. When I compare her with some of the residents at the home, she’s absolutely, bloody amazing, I know that. But she can try the patience of a saint. And I’m no saint.

  ‘Had no choice. Mum wanted to marzipan Grimmy’s cake and her new chair was being delivered today. It’s going straight in the garage until the party, but you know what she’s like, she wouldn’t miss it and that would spoil the surprise.’

  ‘Oh yeah.’ I’d almost forgotten about Grimmy’s birthday party. In four weeks’ time she will be ninety-five. The party isn’t exactly a surprise, she will expect something but it’s usually just a family party. This time Mum and Dad have invited everyone who knows her. It’s another five years until it’s a big one again, the big one, who knows if she’ll make it. So it makes sense to celebrate big when you know you can.

  ‘I hope the weather’s good that day then we can spill out into the garden. Hey, you can bring your b…’ The b word hovers on her lips before she corrects herself. ‘Friend,’ she says, grinning at me.

  Twenty

  Back home, I unpack my shopping. I’ve spent more than I intended, including a new pale blue toaster with matching kettle that tones in with my kitchen décor and certainly looks better than Mum and Dad’s castoffs.

  I’ve also bought the ingredients to cook a lovely meal tonight, including wine.

  For two.

  I pick up my phone and stare at it for too long. Silly really. Then I ring Phillip. I’m almost relieved when it goes to voicemail, but then flustered about what to say.

  Hi, Lauren here. Just wondered if you fancied a meal tonight. At mine. I’ll cook. Bye.

  Now I feel stupid.

  Does it look as though all I want is to hear the rest of his story? Isn’t there an element of truth in that? A big element. Is that so bad?

  I unpack my kettle and toaster, arrange them on the worktop and stand back to admire.

  ‘I don’t know why you need a four-slice toaster,’ Cat commented as she scrutinised the items in my trolley.

  ‘That’s the only size they do in that colour.’

  She narrowed her eyes at me and grinned.

  ‘Stop it.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘That. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’d been drinking. You’re behaving weirdly.’

  ‘Just enjoying myself.’

  ‘At my expense.’

  ‘No. No. Not really. Anyway, why was your friend sitting in the park all day doing Spice?’

  ‘He wasn’t doing Spice.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘He was ill and now he’s not.’

  ‘What was wrong with him?’

  ‘I don’t know. I haven’t asked.’ Which is true, I haven’t. But whatever happened to him obviously knocked him for six. And when I do find out what it is, I won’t be telling Cat.

  ‘Well, he’s looking good now, you could do a lot worse.’

  ‘We’re just friends. We sometimes walk our dogs together. Just stop it.’

  ‘Much more you than Leeward.’

  I nudged her hard in the ribs then and she performed a theatrical howl which made everyone in the middle of Lidl turn and look at us.

  ‘You should definitely bring him to Grimmy’s party,’ she said, before dodging to escape a second elbow to her ribcage.

  My phone pings.

 
I’m expecting Phillip, but it’s Alfie.

  Thought I saw you in Lidl today. What did you think? Did you grab any bargains? We got a toaster with matching kettle.

  My heart sinks. Is nowhere safe? Now even the middle of Lidl is tainted. I can’t even imagine Leeward wandering around Lidl, he hated supermarket shopping when he was with me, even Waitrose wasn’t good enough.

  I leave it ten minutes before I reply. I have to reply because if I don’t, he’ll take offence and nothing of this situation is his fault, not really.

  Me too. What colour did you get?

  Red. Suzi egged me on. ��Lee hasn’t seen it yet.

  How sweet, he’s out shopping with Suzi. Again.

  Lol, I reply then promise myself that’s an end to the conversation and plonk my phone on the kitchen worktop.

  But my phone pings again. I snatch it up. It’s Phillip.

  That’ll be great. Glad to escape the nut house, more loud arguing going on about nothing. What time?

  I message Phillip back and smile to myself. It’ll be a treat to cook for him especially since it’s just us and our dogs and Phillip won’t be making a play for me the way Ken did. Not that Ken cares two hoots about me now he’s back with Suzi. It didn’t take him long to move on. I bet Jayne is pleased. The thought of Ken turning up with me in tow at a family get together and Jayne’s face is enough to make me laugh out loud. Shadow, lapping up water from her bowl, stops mid-action and frowns at me, yes, definitely frowns.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I say, because of course my dog understands everything I say, ‘Your friend Betty is coming this evening too.’ I swear Shadow’s tail wags at the mention of Betty’s name before she trots off into the garden.

  ∞∞∞

  I make chicken stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon, with potatoes and green beans. I even go so far as to make a baked cheesecake for dessert. I’m excelling myself. I toyed with making pasta but since I don’t need to prove a point to anybody, namely Ken, I’ve gone for something I think, hope, Phillip might like. Now I’m panicking in case he doesn’t eat meat. Too late. I’m sure I’ve got some crisps in the cupboard somewhere.

  He arrives at the time I’ve told him clutching a bottle of wine.