Temporary Bliss

by Gray, Kiska

  “Aw, don’t cry,” he uttered softly. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  “They’re happy tears,” I promised him. “G-Give me a minute.”

  “Take all the time you need, beautiful.”

  There was such a tenderness to his voice. It made me cry harder. I flung my arms around his neck even as my heart screamed to be heard. I love you, I love you, I love you. They were words I could never say out loud. Words that would end everything between us as effectively as stomping on the brakes, but it was too late to save me.

  My soul was hydroplaning out of control and it was only a matter of time before I crashed and burned.

  24

  Gideon

  “To us,” Izzy announced, lifting his shot glass. The amber liquid glinted gold beneath the light, just like the last four rounds we’d done, and I was feeling it. “Woo!” We clinked our glasses together with a cheer while the New Year’s Eve party at Times Square played on Laz’s seventy-two inch flatscreen.

  “Remember the year we played that show?” Ivy sloshed the bottle towards the TV when yet another lackluster performance finished up. Shaking her head, she poured us all another round. “What a fucking mess that was.”

  “Ugh, don’t remind me.” Her brother groaned. “It was probs our worst show, hands-down.”

  “Why’s that?” Mika sat up a little straighter in his seat. His cheeks were flushed from the amount of red wine he’d consumed tonight. He was the smart one, opting for a slow burn instead of the slam dunking of eighty-proof booze in tiny glasses that me and the gang were quickly putting away. Yeah, I’d feel this one in the morning, that was for damn sure.

  Izzy tapped his fingers against his pouched out bottom lip. “Let’s see. I was on my deathbed with a horrible case of strep throat and had no voice. Ivy was running a fever of over a hundred, Laz hadn’t slept in two days and Gideon?” He snort-laughed. “Gideon was drunk off his ass, man. Toasted as fuck.”

  I pointed at him in warning. “Hey, I’m not the one who completely missed his intro, Carrot Top. I fucking owned those drums. My performance was flawless.” Mika met my smirk with one of his own, then rolled his eyes. Right. Honestly, I couldn’t even remember getting on stage, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d royally fucked it up.

  “Whatever,” Izzy said. “It sucked. End of story. Oh, oh! The ball’s getting ready to come down. Laz, hurry up with those drinks. We gotta ring in the new year together, bro. As a fam!”

  I elbowed Mika in the side. “The countdown begins.”

  It didn’t take them long. Laz and Bex swooped into the living room with huge margarita glasses balanced atop a festive holiday platter. Their rims were lined with coarse salt. One sip made my cheeks pucker in the best of ways. Beside me, Mika took a drink and hummed his approval. “Yummy. Thank you.”

  On the TV, high atop One Times Square, the ball flashed bright colors and began its slow descent. I leaned in close to Mika. “And the crowd goes wild,” I murmured into his ear, which made him flush and giggle. He grabbed my arm and hugged it to his side, but his eyes were glued to the timer at the bottom of the screen.

  “Thirty seconds and counting,” Izzy crowed. “Almost there.”

  “Six… Five… Four…” Laz and the twins began their chant. Mika wiggled in his seat, reaching for my hand. I linked my fingers in the spaces in between his and squeezed. “Three… Two… One… Happy New Year!”

  Izzy blew hard into a cheap plastic kazoo. It honked like a dying duck. “Cheers!” he cried while the rest of us clinked our glasses together, ringing in the new year—and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Right here, right now, I was surrounded by the people in my life who made my shitty existence on this planet worth living. My friends, my bandmates, my partners in crime…

  And Mika, who was gazing up at me with adoration in his eyes.

  With a jolt, I realized that I was already envisioning the next holiday with him by my side. I’d buy him fancy red lace lingerie and a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. We would wear goofy Leprechaun hats and pinch each other for not wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day. Easter would likely be spent with Mika’s family, hiding plastic eggs for all the little kids—and the big kids, let’s be honest—and Christmas?

  The warning bells in my head began to shriek.

  Fuck.

  I was falling in love with Mika Wolfram. When did that happen? It was never supposed to. It couldn’t. I couldn’t love him. I didn’t do love. I didn’t grow up with it. Hell, I couldn’t even seem to love the family dog. How was I supposed to devote myself to another human being?

  “Who’s up for another round of shots?” I bellowed, probably louder than I meant to, but I was no longer fully in control of myself. All I could think about was getting to the point where the anxiety swelling inside of my chest cavity no longer mattered. Suddenly, I wanted to disappear. Drown in the bottom of a bottle.

  Evaporate.

  That’s right, asshole. Drink your problems away. Alcohol makes everything better. You would know. My stomach twisted and for a moment, I thought I might puke all over Laz’s cream berber. Swallowing the salty saliva gathering in my mouth, I chased the nausea with a shot, feeling the burn all the way to my gut.

  Izzy hooted, oblivious to my invisible panic. “Hells to the yeah! Let’s get wasted.”

  One. Two. Three. The shots went down, one after the other, and my head began to spin. I pinched my eyes closed on another wave of nausea, hoping I wouldn’t vomit because there was no way in hell I’d make it to the bathroom in time. God, what had I done? Why did I let things get this far?

  “Gideon? Are you okay?” Mika asked, but I brushed his hand off my arm.

  “Fine, fine. Gimme another!”

  Izzy didn’t look so convinced. He made a face and held the bottle out of my reach when I made a grab for it. “Seriously, dude, you don’t look so good.”

  “Yeah, you’re white as a ghost. You need to go lie down?” Laz asked.

  I could only hear the rapid thud-whoosh of my heartbeat and the quickening of my breath. My hands were trembling and it didn’t have anything to do with the cold. I knew the symptoms of a panic attack. I hadn’t had one in years, not since I ditched my parents to make a name for myself.

  I was losing it. I was coming unraveled.

  “N-No. No, I’m fine, I just… I need some fresh air.” I pushed myself to my feet, but my knees turned to jelly and I sank down into the cushions once more. Fuck, I needed to get out of here before I freaked out for real. The second time I managed to stand, but actually walking to the front door was a feat in itself.

  Finally outside, I plunked down on the front steps. The cold of the cement seeped through my jeans to chill me to the bone. Shuddering, I buried my face in my hands and tried to breathe, but my airways felt too tight. My thoughts were run-on sentences, all jumbled up and making no sense, but they were all written in red and screaming at me.

  Fuck. I fucked up. Everything was a mess. It was a mess and it was my fault and I didn’t know how to fix it and now I was drunk and miserable and—

  Urgency flooded through me as sour as the bile in my mouth. Leaning over the porch rail, I retched up everything in my stomach. All the booze I’d drank, the pizza we’d had for dinner. All of it landed in a messy puddle of pink and brown bodily fluids in front of the bushes. I coughed and sputtered, then sagged against the cool railing, only to realize someone was rubbing my back.

  Mika.

  My stomach lurched, but this time it was pure panic. I jerked out from beneath his touch and nearly tumbled backwards down the steps. I caught myself on the rail and shook my head. “Please don’t,” I uttered, my throat raw and tight.

  Mika frowned. “What’s wrong? Gideon, you’re freaking me out a little bit.”

  “I can’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “This.” I pointed at myself, then at him. “Us. I can’t—I can’t be that person. I’m not that person. I don’t date and we
aren’t… We can’t.” I gulped down breath after shaky breath, my head spinning off my shoulders. Bolstering myself, I exhaled slowly and with it fled the source of my panic. Cut the cord. Pull the plug. End it now. “Fuck. I can’t, okay? I’m sorry.”

  He stared at me for a moment, looking utterly lost. His lips parted, but no sound escaped. I could see his throat working with each swallow before he finally spoke. “Are you breaking up with me?” His voice dropped so low, I could barely hear him.

  It pierced me through the chest, but instead I laughed. I fucking laughed. The sound was sharp, a bitter exhale through my nose. “There isn’t an us—this was temporary, remember? Only temporary, till the holidays, yeah?”

  Mika’s shoulders slumped. He wrapped his arms around himself and slowly shook his head. “I don’t understand. We were fine, we were just…” He looked back towards the house, where our friends—my friends—were oblivious to our pain.

  “I don’t love you,” I said as bluntly as I could manage. “I can’t do this.”

  “Is that is then?”

  The tears that glistened in his eyes were shards of glass, shredding my heart to its pulpy center. Something inside of me was screaming, maybe even dying, but I steeled myself. I looked him right in the eye, set my jaw and with three words, I destroyed us.

  “Yeah. That’s it,” I muttered, then pushed past him to escape into the house before my world crumbled down on top of me.

  25

  Mika

  I don’t love you. I can’t do this.

  Those words sent me reeling. They hooked me through the gut and yanked until everything inside of me spilled free. I couldn’t breathe through the rawness in my chest when Gideon Grey shoved me out of his way. The storm door clapping shut behind him was an explosion in the night.

  Then came the grief. It shot through me, an arrow through the heart. I crumpled. My eyes burned and I tried to blink the emotion away, but the tears ran hot down my chilled cheeks. I sank down to sit on the porch steps. It felt so wrong. It wasn’t supposed to end this way.

  The wintry wind seeped through my t-shirt. I wrapped both arms tightly around myself to try and hold in what little heat I had left in my body. Tucking my chin to my chest, I dropped my arms to rest on my knees and let the pain come crashing in.

  It hurt. Why did it have to feel like I was being gutted?

  I stared down at the ink hewn across both wrists, my fierce winter wolf and my gentle doe. I ran my fingertips over the colors illuminated by the porch light behind me, feeling over the ridges of scar tissue from my past grief. With it came the urge to relapse, to grab the sharpest thing I could find and rip them open again. To surrender to the physical pain in an attempt to escape the emotional ache solidifying in my heart.

  I clenched my fists and set my jaw. No. He wasn’t worth it. I was the foolish one. I didn’t see it coming, but I should’ve. I should never have opened myself up to him. I should never have let this charade continue, because now I was the one who had to deal with the fallout. I pinched my eyes shut. I was an idiot for wishing for more. People didn’t change, especially not people like Gideon.

  God, I was so fucking stupid.

  The door creaked open, but I didn’t turn around. I knew it wasn’t Gideon. Why would it be? He’d made his intentions crystal clear. At the touch on my shoulder, I looked up to see Lazarus holding my winter coat in one hand. He looked morose. Gone was the mirth from what seemed like only minutes ago. He offered a sympathetic smile and handed me my jacket.

  “I’ll drive you home.”

  I stood and patted my jeans pocket to find my keys. My car was still at Gideon’s, but I knew I wasn’t sober enough to drive. I’d have to see if Saint could drop me off there tomorrow to fetch it. Hopefully when Gideon wasn’t home. My shoulders fell. “Thanks.”

  I got into his car and gave him my address, a strange numbness spreading through me. Shock? I wasn’t sure. I hugged my elbows to my sides and stared out the window. Neither of us said another word until we pulled up to the curb in front of my complex.

  Laz lightly patted my arm. “I’m sorry, Mika.”

  The irony of it made me laugh. “Why are you sorry?” I asked, bitterness creeping into my tone. “I’m the one who didn’t heed the warning signs. I knew better, but I thought…” I swallowed hard. I thought Gideon was different. I wanted, so badly, to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to at least say goodbye on my own terms, not have my heart ripped out and curb-stomped. “It doesn’t matter. People don’t change. Thanks for the ride.”

  I pushed the passenger door open and made the long walk up the two flights of stairs to my apartment. It greeted me with the same dull, stale feeling of loneliness that it always had and something inside of me cracked. I couldn’t stop the tears that poured freely now as I blindly made my way down the hall to my bedroom.

  I didn’t bother changing; I collapsed into bed fully clothed and threw my arms around the giant stuffed dog that I’d slept with since the day I lost my father. Burying my face in the softly worn yellow fur, I began to sob. I knew better. I knew better and I didn’t listen. I let myself fall in love with that bastard.

  But the worst part was feeling like Gideon truly felt something, too.

  26

  Gideon

  I woke up in an unfamiliar room, my face plastered to the pillowcase with drool. My stomach ached, my skull was throbbing, and there was vomit in the trash can next to the bed. Is that why my mouth tasted like the inside of a toilet bowl? Ugh. I felt like shit. I reached across the bed with one arm, searching for Mika before the weight of reality slammed into me.

  Mika was gone.

  Don’t you remember? You chased him off. Way to go, dumbass. Why don’t you ruin the best thing in your life? God knows, that’ll fix all your problems. I squeezed my eyes shut and shoved myself to a sitting position. Fuck, what did I do?

  I stumbled out of the bedroom and found myself in Laz’s hallway. Right. Probably crashed here, too drunk to drive. Laz wouldn’t have given me my keys even if I’d screamed bloody murder. Fuck, my head hurt. I gripped the bannister with one hand and started down the stairs, feeling confused—and very, very hungover.

  What had I done…

  I found Laz in the kitchen. He took one look at me and shook his head. “You look like shit.”

  “Gee, thanks,” I muttered, flopping down on the bar stool. I folded my arms on top of the island and dropped my pounding forehead to the cold marble. “Feel like it, too. What happened last night?”

  “You got trashed.”

  “Fuck. Mika—”

  “I took him home.” Laz’s voice took on a sharper edge, sharp enough that it made me look up. His bushy brows knitted in a frown. “He looked so hopelessly alone. You broke his heart, man. What the hell were you thinking?”

  “I don’t... I can’t. I can’t be that person for him. Don’t know how.” And now it was over. I moaned and buried my face in my palms. “God, I fucked up. It wasn’t supposed to end like this.”

  “How was it supposed to end, then? That boy was head over heels for you. Any way you did it would’ve messed him up. Why would you lead him on this long, Gid? What the fuck, man? You know I love you like a brother, but Christ, you’re an idiot sometimes.”

  I swallowed the raw ache in my throat, then pressed the pads of my thumbs into my eyes to try and stop the throbbing. Everything hurt. I could feel the frayed threads of my heart starting to unravel and all I was doing was yanking on the loose ends.

  “It’s better this way,” I told him.

  Laz snorted softly in disbelief. “Whatever. It’s your life, but if you’d pull your head out from up your ass for one second, you’d realize that you were happy. He made you happy and you went and fucked it up. Good job, Gideon.”

  I slammed both fists down on top of the island. “Just fuck off! I know that, alright? I know, I fucking know, I don’t need you to rub my nose in it!”

  He wheeled on me and jabbed a finger i
nto my chest. “Someone’s got to!” His shout made me jump. “Jesus, Gid. I don’t want to see you end up old and forever alone, okay? Whether or not you admit it to yourself, you need love. Human beings need love. Everyone on this planet needs love, and I’m sorry that your dad was a dick and that your mom was constantly at the bottom of a bottle, but these temporary fixes are just that—temporary. Mika could’ve been it. He could’ve made you happy. He did make you happy. Why can’t you see that?”

  I smudged the tears away with the back of my hand, but I kept my silence. He didn’t think I knew that? When Laz realized I wasn’t going to respond, his broad shoulders sagged. He heaved a sigh, then clapped a bottle of aspirin on the table in front of me.

  “Here. Take a couple of these and go lie down before you pass out and I have to haul your dumb ass to the ER for a cracked skull, okay?”

  I smiled through the pain best I could. “Thanks, Laz.”

  27

  Mika

  I was hollow, my insides scooped out and left to rot in a bucket somewhere. My throat was raw and my eyes were scratchy and my head hurt. I laid in bed and stared up at the pockmarked ceiling tiles and tried to pretend last night didn’t happen. That any minute now, Gideon would text me and everything would be back to normal.

  I hiccuped a sob and closed my eyes against the tears. The grief was immediately replaced by a fiery rage—not at Gideon, but at myself. What the hell was wrong with me? He ripped out my heart. How pathetic was I, wishing he’d take me back?

  I snatched my phone off my bedside table and chucked it across the room with a shout. It smacked into the wall and clattered to the floor, a crack spiderwebbing across the screen. I burst into tears once more. God, I was a wreck. This was worse than what happened with Brandon. At least with Brandon, we’d had fights, screaming matches… Gideon had been so fucking good to me.