The Untreed Detectives

by J. Alan Hartman

  “Hey dumb ass!”

  Okay I definitely heard that.

  Mitexi grabbed the magazine from my clammy hands, rolled it up tightly and stuffed it deep down in the wicker barrel that divided us. If luck was on my side today, I’d say the top two highlights were that the can wasn’t metal and that the Fire Department frowned upon setting small blazes in an office building, which I’m sure would have been the next step had we been standing anywhere else.

  “Alright Paula, didn’t I warn you not to read those anymore? Now you’re as white as the ghost that it looks like you just saw. When I tell you that we have been offered a 12 month non-stop smorgasbord of delicacies from the pork family and fifty thousand big ones and I don’t get as much as even a devious grin, then I know your mind has been hijacked. Once you start combing the internet for a self-diagnosis of a disease you don’t have and make appointments to tell the doctor what you’re dying of, I’m going to have to draw the line.”

  “Well I did not see a ghost, but for those who have a fear of doing so, also known as Phasmophobia, I’ve got to imagine that it’s pretty unsettling.” Somehow I thought my smart response would ease her diminishing patience, but her piercing glare told me otherwise. “Okay, okay! I’m sorry! So tell me again what adventures our day holds, I promise I’m listening this time.” I glanced over with my best apologetic face, which even I knew could really use some tweaking. I wondered if there was a fear of not getting forgiveness and what the chances were of that highlight making next month’s print out.

  Mitexi’s eyes rolled at my inadequate attempt for absolution. “We are supposed to meet a Mr. Ryan Majors over at Lilli Pad Park at 11am, over by that odd statue of the bull frog. You know, we have lots of garter snakes in our yard, but you don’t see me erecting a copper monument near our outdoor waterfall to acknowledge that we have so many.” She sucked in a deep breath before returning to her game plan. “Anyhow, he had this very soft, almost boyish voice; but he held his ground and insisted we meet him in that specific location to discuss this mystery predicament. I have no idea what he hopes we can help him with but he’d better not be thinking of pulling any funny stuff, or he’ll be swimming with all of those tongue snapping, slimy amphibians.”

  “Alright, well let’s grab a quick coffee at Mac’s and head that way. Mr. Majors has definitely summonsed my curiosity on this potential case.” I pulled open the door and flicked the lock while letting her pass in front of me. “Oh and by the way, it is clear that you don’t have Caligynephobia, otherwise known as the fear of beautiful women, or you wouldn’t be thinking of going girl only if you know what I mean.” I squeaked out a small giggle in response to Mitexi’s agitated face. “You want me to grab those pages from the trash so you can take a look at the characteristics on the ride over?”

  “Don’t you dare retrieve that crazy publication out of the garbage; it’s turning you into a nut! Starting right now you officially have Angrynativeamericanbestfriendphobia. Got it?”

  Quickly, I broke into a brisk pace, leaving her facing my backside. “I’m sorry; I can’t answer that because apparently, I’m afraid of you.”

  *

  Mitexi pulled her shiny red Navigator against the edging of the granite curb and scraped the rim slightly before unleashing several well-known profanities. “Why don’t they have cameras over your tires like they do when you back up? Do car makers think my neck is three feet long?”

  Hoping to redirect her thoughts toward our meeting, I stepped out quickly, black decaf in hand and took a look around. Lilli Pad Park was pretty, there was no denying it. Even though the tacky bull frog statue was the main attraction, the gardens were in full bloom and thick with yellows trumpets, purple crocus and orange marigolds, creating a glorious landscape as far as my eyes could see. I scanned the winding brick walk ways in hopes of identifying our client, but no one person seemed to stick out any more than the others, so we had no choice but to wait.

  “How will we know who it is? You should have told him to wear a rose in his hair.” I called out over my shoulder to Mitexi who was spitting and buffing her road rashed tire back to its previous condition.

  “Is there a phobia for having to listen to your husband complain about the damage you inflict on your ride that he notices every time you return to the house?” She stood and stared at her lame attempt to make the passenger front wheel match the remaining three before flipping her long black hair over her shoulder and squinting in the same direction I was facing. “He said he would find us, apparently he knows who we are from that spread we ran in the Daily Caller.”

  We dropped to the closest available bench. Initials were carved into the wooden slats, displaying evidence of young love. I rested my weight against the shiny black arm rest made of wrought iron that had been manipulated into a smooth curl and cleverly looped onto the ground and back to the rear support. Dozens of children occupied the playground which was in our direct view, as parents gathered at multiple picnic tables; talking amongst each other and watching their kids work up an appetite for the approaching lunch hour.

  “It’s 11:15, what do you think?” Mitexi checked her watch for the third time since we sat down.

  “Let’s give him another ten minutes. Since I’m typically late everywhere I go unless you’re chauffeuring me around, I’d prefer to allow the benefit of the doubt. Anyhow, it’s gorgeous out so stop bitching and enjoy your latte.”

  The best thing about our relationship is that we fight like an old married couple, but neither of us took ever take the heckling to heart. Others who’ve witnessed our exchanges often feel horribly uncomfortable, but it keeps them on their toes; people sure can be painfully nice when they suspect you might be a little bit off balance.

  Shortly before the clock ticked onto 11:30, a thin boy of about 10 years with a fair complexion and arms that hadn’t grown to match his body yet, cautiously paced his advancement across the common between the play area and where we sat waiting. His piercing green eyes darted from side to side just below a mop of tousled auburn hair that swayed like ocean waves at low tide with each step he took. The closer he got, the more evident his freckles became. Skinny fingers twisted the bottom of his soft blue cotton blend t-shirt in a nervous attempt to maintain some composure.

  Assuming he was lost, I reached out to him to try and ease his skittish demeanor. “Hey buddy; did you get separated from your parents? Can we make a call for you?”

  Long lashes swept over his eyes as he looked down to avoid direct contact. “Are you Ms. Stone and Ms. Scarborough?”

  Mitexi and I turned to face each other with mild confusion and answered in unison. “Yes.”

  “Pleasure to make your acquaintance.” He lifted his chin and extended a reach to each of us with a complimentary ‘Ma’am’ as a bonus. “I’m Ryan Majors.”

  I was stunned, but Mitexi who feels sympathy for very few in this world, returned the gesture and placed her delicate hand in his. “Are you Ryan Majors Junior?” Since she had her daughter, I’ve noticed a softer spot for anyone under the puberty milestone.

  “No ma’am. I’m the one and only, my dad’s name is Jeffrey. I saw your PMS Private Investigators ad in the newspaper and I was hoping that you might be able to help me.” Red and blue Nike’s danced softly in a steady beat in between his words. “Thank you for meeting me in the park. I came with my babysitter who walks our dog down here every day.”

  I still couldn’t manage to cough out a sentence, so Mitexi carried on. “What is it that you think we might be able to help you with?”

  “Well… do you know where the Farm is?” His bright green eyes stared straight at us both with the innocence and intensity.

  Mitexi looked puzzled, but I had a small inkling that I knew where he was going with this. Finally, I reached out to him and shook with my right while covering his gentle grip with my left.

  “Hi Ryan, I’m Ms. Stone but please call me Paula.” I bit my lip and hoped that I was taking the correct guess. “Do you mean
the Farm where animals go when they are tired and can’t get around as easily as they did when they were younger?”

  “Yes ma’am Paula!”

  Oh boy, this was going to be tricky. The Farm, also known as Heaven to adults that can’t bear to tell their children where Spot has gone—or Penelope Kitty in my case, could be a very touchy subject. Mitexi never enjoyed a pet of her own while growing up so this conversation was beginning to become foreign to her.

  “Well I do have an idea of where it is, but not just anyone can go there. Who are you looking for?”

  His cheeks were flushed and a hint of excitement sat atop of his voice as he responded. “Angus. He was my parrot, well he was my Papa’s parrot but when he had to move to the big house where they take care of old people who can’t live alone anymore, he gave him to me.” A shining grin finished his sentence.

  As Mitexi began to understand where this exchange was leading, she intervened. “So you’d like us to go to the Farm and bring Angus back?”

  Without hesitation, Ryan jumped at her question. “I have seventy-five dollars saved. I thought that could probably pay for your gas money and maybe 2 cheeseburgers at McDonalds for lunch. If there is any extra you could probably split a soda too. Would you drive there and bring him back?” He began to twist the hem of his shirt again while continuing on. “I will take good care of him; I know he is old like my grandpa. But if Papa can go to a home and have others help him, why can’t I still take care of Angus? My mom said he must have ate too many peanuts, he sure loves peanuts, but I’ll be extra careful to make sure he only gets one a day. I promise.”

  My heart began to crumble in a way I’d never felt before. I knew Mitexi was feeling the same because she sat on her hands and stared at the sidewalk. The only emotion she likes to exude is typically loud and fiery and this just wasn’t the time. There had to be something we could do, I wasn’t ready to let the ball drop yet.

  “Have you talked to your folks about this?”

  “Yes ma’am. They said sometimes life isn’t fair, but they would be just as happy as I would be if he ever came back. I begged them to go get him but they said only very special people with certain allowances can go to the Farm and they weren’t on the list.” His eyes pleaded for a yes. “I knew you two ladies were special because you have that license that lets you find people or missing things, your ad even says so. Does your license let you go to the Farm too?”

  “Yes, yes!” Mitexi perked up immediately with a compassion I’d never witnessed. “We can go to the Farm, you betcha! But we would need a very good description of Angus to be sure we bring back the right parrot. Can you help us with that?”

  “I brought a picture with me.” He dug deep into the pocket on the side of his khaki shorts and retrieved a dog eared photo of a brilliantly colored bird sporting a macaroni necklace.. “I made that for him.” He pointed to the pasta accessory. “I’m sure he’s still wearing it, he never took it off; which is good because then you’ll know which bird he is. Besides he can say his own name. If you call it out, he’ll say it back to you and then ask for a peanut, that’s how you’ll know for sure.”

  I was worried, what if we couldn’t pull this off? This sweet little boy’s heart was bigger than the world we live in and even though it was aching right now, I couldn’t bear to see it break in two if we didn’t deliver as promised.

  “Well Ryan, we’ll give it 100%. You have a deal.” I offered a final handshake on an agreement that would haunt me for life if I failed.

  A pudgy woman that practically appeared from nowhere suddenly stepped up to our youngest client’s side. She had a leather leash wrapped around her swollen wrist that kept hold of a sleek black Pomeranian with a pink and yellow striped collar.

  “This is my babysitter, Liza.” Ryan handled the introductions. “She knows why I’m here; she misses Angus a lot too. Right?”

  Her eyes reflected the same sympathy that our insides burned with. “You know it.” She returned a warm smile in our direction with a quick wink. “If you two gals could bring him home, we’d all be so grateful, especially Ryan’s parents.”

  Now I understood. Liza was giving us the okay to do what was necessary and return an Angus clone to the boy. Apparently she had shared his plan to meet with us and was now giving the approval on their behalf to deliver a bird that would fit the bill and renew this little guy’s faith and spirit.

  Ryan produced a pile of fifteen, very wrinkled one dollar bills and three crisp twenties. “I’d like to pay up front if that’s alright.” The money sat proudly in his soft hands. “I saved my allowance for a month and then added in what I got for my birthday. This is the most important money I’ve ever spent.” Then he looked up. “Please bring Angus back with you.”

  Liza immediately put her arm on his shoulder. “We need to let these fine ladies get to work. Come on, I’ll buy you an ice cream.” She looked back at us quickly and mouthed thank you before rushing Ryan in the opposite direction.

  Mitexi looked at me with what I could swear were tears in the corners of her eyes. “What’s the phobia of failing?”

  “Atychiphobia. But it doesn’t matter, we are going to deliver.” I had never been so determined in all of my life.

  *

  It had been two days since we promised Ryan a bird and while I had gained plenty of anxiety, I was light on a furry feathered friend. One thing I was thankful for was that he never inquired how long it took to get to the Farm and back; luckily he was an average kid without a smart phone or that would have been big trouble. Unfortunately, I knew this treasure hunt couldn’t drag out much longer, but I was confident that we’d be able to ride it out a few more days if necessary.

  Most of the local pet stores offered Cockatiels and Blue Parakeets but nothing that resembled Angus and based on the love I witnessed in Lilli Pad Park, this boy had Papa’s bird memorized inside and out. A small family owned ‘Pet Market’ as they called it, which I thought was creepy since it sounded like you could pick up dinner there, told me they could order one from their distributor in South America but it would take two weeks for him to arrive and there was no guarantee that the rainbow on the imposter’s feathers would be an exact match.

  I was at a loss and wanted to hide under my desk but the distracting horn from the street outside which had been faint, began to blow louder and more frequent by the second. Then I heard the familiar scrape of metal against concrete and instantly realized Mitexi had arrived. Breathless, she flung open the office door. I pondered calling 911 because she had a strained look on her face that screamed physical emergency.

  “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you okay?”

  “You are never, ever going to believe this! Phillip called me and said he inherited a case of a drug dealer from another lawyer who quit. This guy’s home was seized and contained a small sanctuary of exotic animals, including a parrot identical to Angus! Because the animals are all being distributed to zoos and pet stores for proper care, he pulled some strings to get us the bird!”

  She jumped up and down like a lottery winner but I guess in some ways, this was much better. In fact, I’m pretty sure either of us would have given up millions in trade for this parrot.

  “Well when can we see it? And how in God’s name are we going to teach it to ask for peanuts and say Angus so fast?” I was sidestepping phobias at this point and heading straight into full panic. “We don’t have very long you know!”

  Mitexi grabbed me by both arms and grinned. “I really want to crack you across the face right now like they do in the movies. Then I can tell you to get it together and apologize profusely right after.”

  “You are completely warped.” But the distraction did bring me back to reality, although I’d never admit it.

  “I read last night that parrots are very easy to train. They love attention so we are going to have to use our charm and hope for the best. Phillip should be here within the half hour.”

  “You mean I’ll have to use my charm
. Since when do you think you possess that quality? And shouldn’t we buy one of those heavy leather gloves so it can sit on your arm?” I was as prepared for this as I would be if I had to babysit a newborn.

  “Um, it’s a parrot not a bald eagle. And why does it have to sit on my arm?”

  “Because you’re the mother! I don’t know how to take care of anything that is alive.”

  “You had a cat!” Her relaxed demeanor suddenly shifted into full defensive stance.

  *

  “But you have a baby! That cat hasn’t been around for about 15 years! Anyway, you and I both know that my mother was responsible for its lengthy life, I take no credit for that accomplishment.”

  “Good point. I don’t think I’d drop our daughter off with you if you mom wasn’t home. No offense.”

  “None taken, believe me.” I wracked my brain for an excuse to not be on hand when our guest arrived. “How about I’ll go grab a fake tree or whatever it is that parrots stand on along with some peanuts and bird seed while you wait here for him to arrive.” A sudden lump rose in my throat. “Oh my god! It is a him, isn’t it?”

  “How would I know? You may have to part the feathers.”

  “I’m not looking for a bird dink!”

  At that moment, Phillip stepped into the office and we both swung around to see a very colorful new friend perched atop his shoulder. “Hey ladies, look who I brought.”

  “Hey ladies.” An echo filled the room.

  “Oh!” I couldn’t help myself, it was adorable. “Do you know if it’s a boy?”

  “Honestly, I don’t. But I’ve heard that males are much more colorful than females and this guy is pretty vibrant. Anyhow, I’d be shocked if your client could tell for certain. I’d say count your blessings and start teaching him his new name.”

  “What’s his old name?”

  “Couldn’t tell ya, all I know is that if you say something enough he’ll start to also.” Phillip turned to his head toward the bird. “Right?”