The Ambivalent Magician

by Simon Hawke

  What? How did Colin happen to pick up a copy of the Grimoire of Honorious when Teddy stole it from Warrick and brought it to Brewster in the Bag of Holding? He had a spare copy, all right? Well, he had a spare crystal ball, didn't he? You mean to tell me you don't have duplicates among your favorite books? (Picky, picky, picky ...)

  The point is, Warrick had, indeed, spell-warded all his valuable possessions, and unlike Teddy, who knew the wards and canceled them before he stole the Bag of Holding, Hightower set off the magical ward the moment he opened the book. Now the same fate that had befallen Prince Brian has befallen him, and since opening the grimoire would only set off the spell again, Pamela can't help him by looking up the spell to change him back. Brewster could, of course, but neither Colin nor Pamela know that, yet. And Pamela's having enough problems just trying to deal with what the magic mirror told her.

  Fortunately, the magic mirror wasn't spellwarded, because Warrick had not considered it a particularly useful possession. (Hah, thought you caught me on that one, didn't you?) He had grown impatient with its equivocating, politically correct replies to all his queries, and so he had simply hung it on the wall and left it there, using it only on occasion to comb his hair or apply some magical disappearing salve to an outbreak of pimples. As a result, the mirror had grown terminally bored, and was only too happy to have someone finally ask it questions once again.

  After a hearty, room-service dinner of roast venison and veggies provided by Warrick's staff, Pamela had Captain Ivor prepare some horses and saddlebags loaded with provisions. Then, together with an escort of half a dozen men-at-arms in Warrick's colors, she had set out for Brigantium, with Colin the Champerpot slung across her saddle and the magic mirror wrapped and safely packed away inside her bedroll. It was at least a week's ride to Brigand's Roost, and since she no longer had to worry about Colin being unable to ride, there was no need of a coach. Speed was of the essence if they were to beat the royal army, so they set off on horseback first thing after breakfast.

  Meanwhile, King Billy was having a rather rude awakening. Over the recent months, Queen Sandy had taken to spending a great deal of time by herself, and they rarely slept together in the royal bedroom anymore. It seemed that everything he did made the queen angry and irritable. She was always complaining that he deferred too much to Warrick, and that his brother, Sheriff Waylon, was exceeding his authority and making himself more and more unpopular with the citizens of Pittsburgh. She complained that he was making the people pay too much taxes, that he didn't care about their welfare, and that, in general, he was a pretty piss-poor king.

  All this only made Billy more stubborn and truculent, and he had taken to spending more and more time making grandiose plans for troop movements and strategies for the upcoming war. He would spend hours maneuvering his toy soldiers around on the sand table, updating his plans daily, and forwarding them to Lord Kelvin, the commander of the royal army, who-being a man who knew his business- promptly crumpled them up and threw them all away.

  Now, with the royal army on the march against the upstart new Kingdom of Brigantium, and Lord Kelvin promising that with such a mighty force, a speedy victory was assured, Billy was looking forward to basking in the glory of their return. He wouldn't have anything to do with their victory, of course, but it was his army and the credit would reflect on him. He would have Lord Kelvin decorated, and there would be a great parade-Billy simply loved parades-and the people would be happy. The army would come back with their spoils of war, Lord Kelvin would present Warrick with the head of the outlaw wizard on a pike, and all this talk of revolution would disappear. There was nothing like a war to bring about national unity and lift people's spirits.

  All in all, thought Billy, things were going very well. Maybe Warrick would even be grateful enough to devise a spell that would make the queen respectful and compliant. She was a beautiful, seductive woman, with a body that made his mouth water, but lately, she had been denying it to him because she was upset with him and that made him feel extremely frustrated. He was the king, after all. What was the use in being king if you couldn't even command your own wife? He would simply have to make sure that Warrick did something about that. After all, hadn't he always done everything that Warrick asked? Would it be too much to expect him to return just this one small favor?

  Thinking of Warrick made Billy realize that it had been a while since he'd seen or heard from him. Word had it that Warrick was cloistered in his Alabaster Tower, doubtless conjuring spells to ensure the army's victory over the outlaw mage. Well, now was not the time to interrupt him. Billy had learned the hard way that sending for Warrick was counterproductive. Warrick would always send the courier back with the message, "What does the king want?'' And then Billy would have to explain to the courier what he wanted and send him back to Warrick, and Warrick would invariably reply that he was too busy to come right then, but he would be happy to see to whatever His Majesty wished at the earliest opportunity. After a while of this, even the couriers had started smirking. Billy finally resolved that if he wanted anything of Warrick, it was best to simply go and see him himself. Well, there would be plenty of time for that after the war was over. In the meantime, Billy kept revising his battle plans, just to make sure, and sending updates to Lord Kelvin right up until the last minute.

  The night before the army was due to depart, Billy had stayed up very late, maneuvering his toy soldiers and making detailed notes. He wanted to make absolutedly certain that Lord Kelvin had the benefit of the finest battle plan he could devise, because then he could take the credit for it when the army returned victorious. He was so intent upon his task that he never heard the scuffling in the hall when Sandy came back through her secret passageway with Lord Aubrey and some members of the Underground and overpowered the royal guards stationed in the corridor. The first inkling Billy had that anything was wrong was when the doors to his bedchamber burst open and a bunch of cloaked and hooded figures descended upon him. Before he could even cry out, a gag was stuffed into his mouth and his arms were tied behind him. Then a sack was placed over his head and he was frog-marched out into the corridor.

  They spun him around several times and he quickly lost all sense of direction, so he had no idea that he was marched straight back to the queen's chambers and through her secret passageway. Eventually, he knew he was outside because he felt the breeze and the cobblestones beneath his feet, but almost at once he was hustled into a coach and forced down on the floor. He had no idea how long the jarring ride was, but before long he was rudely lifted up and carried out. He was marched a short distance down a street and then inside somewhere, and after a few more minutes he was pushed down into a chair and tied to it. The sack was not removed from his head, so he had no idea where he was, or who his captors were. And he was very much afraid. Terrified, in fact.

  "Who... who are you?" he demanded. "How dare you? What is the meaning of this? What do you want of me?"

  "Please accept our humblest apologies, Your Majesty," a voice said, "and rest assured that we intend no harm to you. We truly regret the necessity for this, and we apologize for the inconvenience, but 'tis all for your own good."

  "For my own good?" said King Billy with disbelief.

  "Aye, Sire," the unknown voice replied." 'Twas necessary to spirit you out of the palace and someplace safe, where your enemies could not reach you."

  "My enemies?" said Billy. "Are you seriously trying to suggest that you are my friends? When I am bound and gagged and abducted from my own bedchamber, then held this way, with my hands tied and a sack over my head, like some common criminal?"

  "The sack will shortly be removed, sire, and the bonds as well. I regret the temporary inconvenience, but I fear that 'twas necessary to preserve our anonymity. We are the Underground, you see, people dedicated to the cause of freedom and improving conditions within the kingdom."

  "You are the rebels," Billy said, as his stomach contracted with fear.

  "No, Sire, we are not. A nu
mber of us might even be known to you as members of the aristocracy, or perhaps even your own palace guard. Our members come from every walk of life, and we have one thing in common-to work against injustice and help those who have been oppressed. But we are not the revolution. Our methods are nonviolent, yet we are still branded as criminals under your regime. And ironic as it may seem, we have abducted you to save your life. We have learned that once the army had departed for Brigantium, the revolution would begin, and the first target of the rebels would surely be the royal palace. Your palace guard would never be sufficient to repel the force. You would have been seized and executed. 'Twas our intention to prevent that."

  "And the queen?" asked Billy. "What of her?"

  Lord Aubrey glanced at the queen, who stood beside him as he spoke to her husband. King Billy, of course, was oblivious to her presence.

  "The queen is not far from here," Lord Aubrey replied truthfully. He disguised his voice, to keep the king from recognizing it. "You may rest assured that we will keep her safe."

  "I demand to see her," said King Billy.

  "In due time, sire," Lord Aubrey replied. "For the present, you shall not be kept together. 'Tis purely a safety precaution, you understand."

  "I do not understand. Why?"

  "The revolution will certainly succeed," Lord Aubrey said, "at least in the short term. They shall seize control of the government, and one of their first priorities, on finding you and the queen gone, will be to search for you. Should anything go wrong, we cannot afford losing you both, so you will be kept separate."

  "I see," King Billy replied. "If I should be found and executed, then the queen succeeds me. And if she should die, then I will still be left alive. Your reasoning makes sense. And when the royal army returns, they shall put down the revolution and proper rule shall be restored."

  "Precisely," said Lord Aubrey. "But there is more to it than that, Your Majesty. You have enemies within your regime, as well. If anything were to happen to you and the queen, the blame would doubtless fall upon the leaders of the revolution, but the advantage would fall to your royal wizard, because then, since you are childless, there would be nothing to prevent him from claiming the throne."

  "Warrick? Assume the throne? Don't be absurd!" said King Billy. "Warrick is a sorcerer. He cares only for his books and potions. Of what use would earthly power be to him?"

  "Warrick is the Grand Director of the Sorcerers Guild, Your Majesty," Lord Aubrey said. "As such, he has already proven himself adept at politics. The recent edicts, which have so incensed the populace and were instituted in your name, were all written by the sheriff, at Warrick's behest. It is also a well known fact throughout the kingdom that whatever favor Warrick asks of you, you grant. And is not our army at this very moment marching off to war against Brigantium for no other reason than because Warrick sees this so-called 'outlaw mage' as a threat to his own power?"

  " 'Tis not true," King Billy protested. "Brigantium is a threat to the entire economy of our kingdom. They steal our trade through unfair competition, they cause our currency to be devalued, and they steal our citizens by luring them away with the promise of riches gained at our expense."

  "And who was it that told you this?" Lord Aubrey asked.

  "Why, 'twas..."

  "Warrick, was it not? The people who have left our kingdom for Brigantium fled from our repressive laws, which you empowered the royal sheriff to enact. And your brother, the sheriff, does whatever Warrick tells him. As for these economic grievances you cite against Brigantium, was there ever even an attempt to send a delegation there to negotiate our differences peacefully?"

  "Well... no, but..."

  "Is that not normally the first step when kingdoms have differences between them?"

  "Well, perhaps, but in this case, Warrick felt that..."

  "Warrick felt? I thought you said that Warrick did not concern himself with such earthly things, that he cared only for his books and potions. Yet here we see that he advises you on foreign policy. Or perhaps he dictates that policy?"

  "Now you are sounding like the queen," said Billy. "She never liked him."

  "Perhaps, sire, because Her Highness realized, as you did not, that Warrick was never your friend."

  King Billy remained silent.

  "Doubtless, sire, you do not reply because of your physical discomfort," said Lord Aubrey. "In a moment we shall see to that. A room has been prepared for you. The accommodations are paltry compared with those of your palace, but we have endeavored to make them as comfortable as possible. There is no window, I am sorry to say, and the walls are thick, but we shall provide you with an adequate supply of candles and as good a bed as we could find. You will be well fed, with the best we have to offer, and if there is anything we can provide to make your stay more comfortable, we shall endeavor to do so. Meanwhile, perhaps you can use the time to contemplate these things we have discussed, and consider the lives that will be lost in the coming revolution and the war against Brigantium, and the deaths that will occur when the army returns and finds it must put down a coup, all of which could easily have been avoided if you had listened less to Warrick and more to the people of your kingdom. And now, Your Majesty, I must say good night. My companions will conduct you to your room, where your bonds will be removed. I have other pressing matters to which I must attend."

  The king was led away and Lord Aubrey turned to the queen. "Well," he said, "now we are guilty of an offense that could put our heads upon the block."

  "You spoke well," said the queen. "Strangely enough, he seemed to listen to you, whereas he never listened to me."

  "Had he done that, Your Highness, none of us would be here now."

  "My lord," said one of the men, entering the room, "it seems that we have caught a spy."

  "A spy!" Lord Aubrey said.

  "He was following the queen," the man said.

  "Then ... he must know everything," said Aubrey. He sighed and shook his head. "Bring him in."

  A moment later two men entered, holding a frightened Ferret Phil between them.

  "I have seen this man before," said Sandy. "He was at The Stealers Tavern. Gentlemanly Johnny and La Donna must have had me followed from my meeting with them there."

  "And you came directly to our meeting," said Lord Aubrey, "from which we left for the palace. If he has been following you all this time, then he could not have had a chance to report what he has learned."

  The look of alarm that briefly registered in Ferret Phil's eyes told Aubrey he was right.

  "Well, we can spare neither the time nor the effort to hold him," Aubrey said. "And there is always a chance he may escape. Besides, he knows too much and he has seen us."

  "We agreed to use no violence," said Queen Sandy.

  "Aye," Aubrey replied, "but given what's at stake, what other choice do we have?"

  "There is one," said Sandy. She glanced at the men holding Phil and said, "Leave us."

  They released Phil and left the room, shutting the door behind them and leaving Sandy and Aubrey alone with him. Sandy approached Ferret Phil, gazing deep into his eyes, and made a languid pass with her hand before his face. His eyelids closed and his body relaxed. In a slow, chanting voice, Sandy spoke a spell.

  "Of what you've seen and what you've heard,

  you shall utter not one word.

  From the moment we first met, everything you shall forget.

  All events of this past night,

  now will vanish from your sight.

  Tomorrow morning, when you wake,

  this night's memories you'll forsake.

  All of these commands you'll keep,

  now descend to dreamless sleep."

  The moment she stopped speaking, Ferret Phil collapsed to the floor and immediately started snoring.

  "Well, smite me," said Aubrey, staring at the queen with astonishment. "You're a witch!"

  She turned to him and nodded. "Now there are no secrets left between us, Lord Aubrey."

>   He gave her a slight bow. "And unless you wish to cast a like spell upon me, Your Highness, I shall take this one to my grave."

  She smiled and said, "I know your word to be more binding than any spell I could devise, Lord Aubrey."

  "You honor me, my queen."

  "And you me, Aubrey, with your friendship. Now, let us have this man taken to another part of town and find him a room where he may sleep in comfort. There is yet much for us to do."

  "I am at your command," Lord Aubrey said.

  "Then fetch us two fast horses and some provisions," said Sandy. "You and I must leave at once and try to beat the army to Brigantium."

  "Brigantium!" said Aubrey. "But, Your Highness, do you realize what you're proposing? Quite aside from the risks of such a journey, if they realize who you are-"

  "I intend to tell them who I am," said Sandy.

  "And the moment that you do, they shall seize us both and take us prisoner."

  "That is precisely what I intend for them to do," Sandy replied. "And then when Lord Kelvin arrives with his army, they can hold me hostage against his attack."

  Aubrey shook his head with admiration. "With no disrespect intended to His Majesty, he does not deserve such a queen." He clapped his hand to his sword and bowed deeply. "It shall be my privilege to escort you to Brigantium, Your Highness."

  Ah, adventure! Ah, romance! Ah, the courtly graces and the noble gestures! Don't you wish you knew people like that? Don't you wish we could still walk around in cloaks and boots and breeches, with leather doublets and flowing white dueling shirts and swords strapped around our waists? Of course, if we did, given the way things are today, there would be people out there lobbying for sword control, and we'd need a National Sword Association and bumper stickers that would read, "Swords don't kill people, knights kill people," and there would be a five-day waiting period and background check before you could buy a rapier. We'd have drive-by lungings and people would be afraid of children carrying broadswords to school. "Milady" would be regarded as a sexist term and feminists would go absolutely berserk if any woman called a man "Milord." Ralph Nader would probably get quarter horses banned because they are too small and unsafe in a collision and someone would figure out a way to put seat belts and air bags on our saddles. That's why people join the SCA and read fantasy novels, because the real world sucks.