Wish List: City Love 4

by Belinda Williams

  In, out. In, out. Breathe, Cate, I told myself and willed every cell in my body to relax, but adrenaline surged through me at a sickening rate. The voice in my head was too real, too hard to ignore.

  Do you like that, Caty? I know you do. You just need to loosen up a bit.

  I swallowed a wave of nausea and looked around desperately. We were out of the next bend and heading straight for another. Staring at the road was just making it worse. In my mind it was dark with streetlights flashing past. The sort of night where a moonless sky of endless black engulfs everything around you.

  I pushed my sunglasses onto my head, hoping the bright sunlight would chase away the vision. The road remained shrouded in darkness. I focused on my lap in the vague hope it would all go away if I didn’t look, but I couldn’t see the interior of Sally anymore either. My mind was playing tricks on me. It was dark in the car’s interior, the only illumination from the dashboard throwing an unnatural green glow on my pale skin. Everything smelled of stale smoke and sweat. It smelled of him, I realized. How could it smell of him, God damn it? It had been years since I’d had one of these flashbacks, these waking nightmares as I’d come to know them. I’d been safe from him for years but here he was invading my life again. It hadn’t been fair back then and it wasn’t fair now either.

  The nausea was consumed by a crushing pressure in my chest. From a distance, I understood what was happening to me but I was powerless to stop it.

  Panic attack.

  I looked over at Dave. It was Dave, not a memory, I reminded myself. I wasn’t sixteen anymore. None of it was real. Only a memory. A horrible, vicious memory.

  I was thrown to the other side of the seat as we rounded the next corner. My shoulder bumped Sally’s door in the process and if I hadn’t felt so numb it probably would have hurt.

  I could tell Dave felt my eyes on him when he frowned. It was barely visible, a slight downward tug of his lower lip that righted itself in seconds.

  I didn’t care that I was staring at him. I had to. If I looked back at the road the memories would take hold and I couldn’t face them. Dave was my anchor. The firm set to his jaw, the calm agility of his driving. The reflective aviator sunglasses he wore covered his eyes, but I didn’t need to be able to see them to trust the certainty I would find there. This man was in control. What’s more, he was calm, and kind. Nothing like the driver of that ute all those years ago.

  When we were out of the next corner Dave glanced over at me. He froze for a second, then shock etched itself deep into the lines of his face and he stepped on the brakes. Hard. We veered onto the side of the road.

  Scarlett swore in the backseat as we were all thrown sideways. It was an old car but the seat belts were new and mine locked tightly in place, which was exactly what it was supposed to do. The safety element was lost on me because it only served to increase the crushing pressure on my chest.

  I forced my unsteady, shaking hands to find the seat belt release. They didn’t seem to be working properly. Why couldn’t I press the button?

  “Cate?” Dave’s voice was soft, wary.

  I didn’t answer and kept trying to release myself from the restraint pinning me to the seat. Tears of frustration formed in my eyes and began to spill onto my hands as I tried hopelessly, uselessly, to free myself.

  “Cate?”

  “Get it off!”

  In one swift movement Dave reached over and released me from my prison. I sprang toward the passenger door like a tiger let out of its cage. I needed to get out. Now.

  “Cate!” Maddy yelled. “Don’t!”

  I ignored her and pushed the door open. A firm hand grabbed my arm. It held me with a vise-like grip as a truck charged past and blared its horn at us, narrowly missing the partially open door of the car.

  “Fucking hell,” I heard Scarlett say.

  I blinked, unsure of what was real and what was my imagination. I swung back around to face Dave, his fingers digging into my arm.

  “Let me go, Dave,” I whispered. “Please.”

  It was like I’d screamed it at him. He dropped my arm instantly. I flew from the car, running around behind it, straight to the railing that prevented people and vehicles driving off the edge of the road.

  “Oh, Jesus!” I was distantly aware of Scarlett shouting, which was very unlike her.

  I doubled over and hurled the contents of my stomach over the edge of the cliff.

  Scarlett was at my side in seconds, holding my hair back. “I thought you were going to fucking jump off.”

  I hiccupped and sobbed at the same time. I kept my eyes lowered, too ashamed and embarrassed to meet her eyes. The valley looked like an endless abyss. The trees became smaller and smaller until they were barely visible in the darkest reaches of the gorge. I couldn’t make out what lay down there, but it still existed, just like my dark memories.

  “Here.” Maddy handed me a bottle of water.

  I accepted it gratefully and tentatively took a sip. The cool liquid washed away the acidic taste in my mouth and when it became obvious I wasn’t going to throw up again, I took a longer drink.

  Maddy put a gentle hand on my shoulder. “My God. You’re freezing. What happened, Cate?”

  I used the railing to steady myself and didn’t look at her as I cast my gaze to the more reassuring horizon of sunlit trees and distant ocean. “Flashback. Then a panic attack,” I said quietly.

  My friends were silent, not sure what to say.

  “I used to get them a lot.” I paused. “After.”

  “What do you mean after?” Scarlett’s voice held a note of anger.

  “After I left home.” I lifted my hands to my head. My brain felt as though it was pounding against my skull, but it was better than the unrelenting terror I’d experienced in the car. “I’m OK. Really bad memories. That’s all.”

  I attempted to meet my girlfriends’ eyes with what I hoped was a reassuring look, but it didn’t last long. “Where’s Dave?”

  Scarlett pointed to our right. I turned to see him pacing back and forth about ten meters away.

  Oh shit. Some of the nausea returned but I forced it away, back in control of my body. “Give us sec, would you?”

  Scarlett and Maddy nodded. I walked unsteadily over to Dave, aware I appeared a complete mess, or worse than that probably.

  When he turned and saw me, he hesitated. He’d pushed his sunglasses onto his head and a look of something like disgust darkened the color of his eyes to a burnished brown.

  I stiffened, not sure if the look was directed at me.

  He shook his head and was in front of me in a few long strides. Standing within arm’s reach, he appeared to be struggling to speak.

  I spoke first. “It wasn’t your fault, Dave.”

  The same look of disgust flared in his eyes again, deepening the lines in his forehead. “What do you mean it wasn’t my fault? I was driving like a bloody idiot.”

  Without thinking I reached out and held his hand. It was warm and reassuring and it gave me the confidence to say what I needed to. “No, you weren’t. You were completely in control of Sally, and I was aware of that the entire time. But panic attacks don’t listen to sense.”

  “Which I brought on through my irresponsible driving.” His jaw tightened and he pulled his hand away, shoving it through his hair.

  I reached over again and took his other hand, determined not to let him take the blame. “Panic attacks don’t make sense. This one came out of the blue. I haven’t had one for years. Almost a decade. Please don’t blame yourself, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with you.”

  His gaze softened and when it did, he dropped his eyes and stared at my hand holding his. Then he looked to the valley vista set out before us. I sucked in a breath as he rubbed his thumb along mine. It was excruciating. Exquisite.

  “I’m sorry, Cate. I really am.”

  We stood and watched the warm breeze rustle the leaves of the treetops like a gentle wave.

  “I’m sorry,
” he said again, still holding my hand, “if I hurt you when I grabbed your arm. I thought you were going to get run over.”

  I didn’t reply straight away, distracted by the warmth of his touch. There was comfort in it as well as heat. I wondered if I’d ever have the confidence to make my feelings known to this man, who was nothing like I’d expected him to be.

  “I know,” I said eventually. “I’m sorry I scared you. I didn’t want to throw up in Sally because you’d never forgive me.”

  He squeezed my hand. “I’d forgive you, Cate.”

  We stepped apart as the rev of an engine slowing, and then another, alerted us we had company. When I turned, Layla the Mini and the red Corvette were pulling up behind Sally.

  Once the Mini was parked safely, James got out of the driver’s seat and walked over to me.

  “What’s happening?” he asked. “Is everything alright?”

  I gave him a reassuring smile. “Everything’s fine. We just stopped for a breather.”

  Max closed the Corvette’s door and looked over at me. “Not the best place to stop. Although you can’t miss us so I think we’ll be OK.”

  “Cate was feeling carsick,” Maddy explained.

  “Oh no, Cate. I’m so sorry,” Christa said, coming around to stand at Max’s side.

  James’ expression turned to concern and he reached over to stroke my cheek. The contact surprised me and I tried not to flinch. Compared to Dave’s, his hand was cold. I grabbed it gently and pulled it away, holding his hand instead, although I didn’t want to.

  “I’m fine. Better now I’ve had some fresh air.”

  I dared a glance over at Dave. He was standing away from the group, looking out at the valley again. I didn’t know if he’d seen James touch me.

  “Come on, everyone.” Maddy started rounding us up. “We’ll stop for a proper toilet and food break farther down the road.”

  I gave her a grateful smile and let her direct everyone back to the cars.

  Chapter 22

  The rest of the drive to the beach house was subdued. Dave was quiet and let us chat between ourselves. I didn’t know him that well, but I knew him well enough to understand he was angry. Not at me. He was too busy treating me like a wounded bird. He kept sneaking brief glances to make sure I was alright and all of his anger appeared to be directed at himself. I hated myself for it.

  By the time we navigated the backstreets of the small beach town Callala, I was looking forward to getting out of the car and away from the memory of my inexplicable panic attack.

  “It’s this one here,” Maddy announced, as we pulled up in front of an impressive stainless steel gate.

  “Had problems with the locals?” Dave asked.

  He had a point. The gate appeared ostentatious compared to the surrounding timber cottages and basic brick houses.

  “No, no problems so far, but it’s vacant most of the time so my parents like the peace of mind,” Maddy explained. “Pull up in the driveway and I’ll unlock the gate. You can keep the cars in the garage.”

  Maddy got out of the car and input a code into a number pad located next to the gate.

  “Her parents are loaded,” Scarlett said, while we waited. “It may not look like much from out here, but wait until you step inside.”

  I was the only one of my friends who hadn’t been to the beach house before. Christa and Maddy had grown up together, and Christa had gone to university with Scarlett, but I’d not met any of them until we were working. The girls spoke fondly of weekends away and summer holidays spent here during their university days. Maddy often suggested organizing a weekend here, but with our busy lives we’d never got around to it.

  As the gate slid open it revealed a simple, minimalist two-level structure with a flat roof and hard edges. It was a house a child would draw, square and basic. The color scheme left something to be desired too. The bagged concrete on the outside of the building had been painted a dark gray, which didn’t seem to fit with the seaside location.

  Dave carefully drove Sally into the garage Maddy opened for us. The interior was sparse, with several metal shelves holding a few odds and ends.

  When we were all out of the car, Maddy led us to a door at the back of the garage. “Leave the bags here for now. I’ll give you the grand tour first.”

  We followed her through the door and my mouth dropped open.

  “Oh,” I managed.

  Before us lay a beautifully landscaped internal courtyard. It was Balinese inspired, with several stone statues surrounded by a forest of palms. Concrete pavers had been laid as stepping stones and were separated by white pebbles. I looked up. A long L-shaped balcony overlooked the courtyard from the upstairs level.

  I was beginning to see that what the house lacked in street appeal it made up for in other areas. Or perhaps its appearance from the street was a deliberate attempt to hide the beauty and expense of the rest of the house.

  “Through here,” Maddy told us.

  A set of imposing wooden double doors lay beyond the courtyard to our right. Long, ornate, bronzed handles caught the sunlight as the afternoon sun flickered through the palm fronds.

  Maddy unlocked the house and we followed her inside. The doors off the hallway led to bedrooms, and Maddy guided us to a set of stairs.

  “The kitchen and main living area is upstairs,” she told us.

  Our footsteps on the polished wooden stairs echoed loudly. I saw why when I arrived at the top of the steps. Massive cathedral ceilings overlooked the open plan living space and everything was white except for the contrasting deep burgundy floorboards. The comfortable linen sofas continued the white theme while the dining table – which looked big enough to host a banquet – matched the earthier tones of the floorboards.

  And the view. Oh my God. The view. Conscious Dave was standing behind me, I stepped into the living area and attempted to take in the view through two sets of expansive glass doors. We were directly overlooking the beach. A calm stretch of azure water filled my vision and I sighed.

  “Wow,” I said to no one in particular.

  Maddy went to the nearest set of doors and slid them open. They led to a covered deck area almost as big as the interior space.

  I stepped outside. A light breeze played with my hair as I walked over to the railing. Below us was another courtyard, but this one had direct access to the beach. There were more stepping stones, and at the farthest end where the beach met the courtyard, lay a small wooden deck area overlooking the sand.

  I pointed to it. “That’s where they’re going to have the ceremony, isn’t it?” I asked Maddy.

  She nodded and smiled.

  “It’s beautiful,” I gushed. “Can I reserve it for when I get married? Seriously, who would choose a stuffy church in the city when you could get married in this paradise?”

  “Not the religious type?” Dave asked from behind me.

  I started in surprise. I hadn’t realized he’d been standing so close. I waved my hand at the vista. “This looks like heaven to me.”

  The timber decking creaked as he came to stand beside me. “True.”

  “Feel free to poke around wherever you like,” Maddy told us. “Cate, I’ve put you upstairs at the back of the house. Scarlett and John will be in the double bedroom beside you. Dave there’s a single room on the other side of Cate’s for you too. The rest of the men will be downstairs, and Max will bunk with them tonight. Christa is taking the big bedroom off the living room up here.”

  I gripped the railing tightly, still staring at the water. She’d put me in the bedroom next to Dave? Really?

  “Where are you staying?” Scarlett asked Maddy.

  “Paul, Ava and I will be separate to the house above the garage. It’s set up as self-contained accommodation. We thought that made sense so Ava won’t keep anyone up if she wakes.” She walked into the kitchen that was attached to the deck and opened the fridge. “We’ve had the place fully stocked with food, so you should have everything you nee
d. You can eat or drink whatever you can find and don’t worry about having something you shouldn’t. The caterers are arriving late tomorrow morning with all the food we’ll need for the wedding celebration.”

  I had no idea how she’d managed to get everything organized in less than a week, but between Maddy and her mother, they were a formidable force.

  “In the meantime,” she announced, “this afternoon is all about relaxation. We want the bride and groom happy and rested for tomorrow. I’m heading down to the beach for a swim as soon as Ava and Paul arrive. Assistance building sandcastles would be appreciated, but don’t be upset if Ava destroys them. It’s kind of her thing at the moment.”

  “I’m in,” I said. “I might just go for a run first, if that’s OK?”

  Maddy gave me a questioning look. “Exercise? You’re dedicated.”

  I shrugged. “We’ve been sitting in the car all day and it’s such a beautiful stretch of beach.”

  Maddy was still studying me intently. “Sure. Don’t let us stop you.”

  “I’d rather go for a swim,” Scarlett said. “Or sit on the beach. Either is good. I’m assuming there’s wine?”

  “There’s wine,” Maddy replied.

  “I’m set.”

  Maddy turned to Dave. “Please join us, if you’d like. Don’t think you have to do your own thing. We’re happy to have you here.”

  I resisted the urge to rush over and hug Maddy. It would have been awkward if I’d said it.

  “I might join you at the beach,” Dave said.

  Maddy nodded. “Good.” She clapped her hands together. “I think I can hear the others, so let’s grab the bags and get this elopement party started!”

  *

  With the bass pumping and the drumbeat pounding in my ears, my heartbeat matched the rhythm of the music. My feet slapped against the damp sand. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. I increased my pace. My calves felt tight, but I ignored them. I was already breathing hard, but I wanted to breathe harder.

  All I could see in front of me was a long stretch of beach. It curved gently and gave the impression of the land cradling the water. Calalla Beach was part of a cove rather than a coastal surf beach and it meant the water was smooth and calm.