by Leah Holden
“I think he might be a bit young for all that activity,” Shellie said dryly. “Besides, I think you’ll find that the same fate will befall the new baby; he, or she, will also grow up at some point.”
“Stop being difficult, Shellie. You know what I mean.”
“I’m not sure that I do know what you mean by all this.”
She furrowed her brows as if deep in thought before looking up suddenly as if she’d suddenly seen the light.
“This is about Nicole, isn’t it?”
I drew in a sharp breath.
Nicole.
Yeah—there was a good reason why Shellie was my best friend. She totally got me. She was probably one of the few people who understood how my mind worked. She alone had understood just how much of an impact the death of one of our dearest friends had made on me personally.
I tried to meet her gaze casually but it wasn’t working. I could feel the twitch beside my eye kicking in again.
“Maybe,” I said in a low voice.
And maybe…just maybe, it was time to deal with some of my demons.
CHAPTER SIX
Up until last year, I’d always thought of Shellie, Nicole and myself as the fearless three. Although Ria would join in our escapades from time to time, she was more of the loner type, whereas the three of us had moved in a pack. That was until Nicole had become unwell.
I could remember her nonchalantly going off for her initial tests when it had all started. No one had thought, even for a moment, that it was anything too serious. But the results of those tests had dealt us all a severe blow when they had come back positive for cancer.
Nicole hadn’t really looked that sick for a long while. In fact, with all the weight she’d lost she’d looked pretty good once she’d got past the surgery and chemo. So, it had been pretty hard to accept that she had been in fact fighting for her life.
Before we had even had time to properly register the strange turn of events, Nicole had succumbed to the disease. Just like that, she was gone. And here we were, discussing her in the past tense as if that was normal. I was beginning to understand though, just how fleeting life could be.
“Maybe, it is about Nicole a little,” I admitted quietly, “But it is also a lot about me too. My life has been pretty challenging over the last two years. Nicole’s death was devastating but it made me realize that if you want to achieve anything, you’ve got to just do it.”
“Yeah, I guess I understand where you’re coming from,” said Shellie. “I do get that you were badly shaken up about Nicole, we all were. But I’m just not getting how you’re planning to cope with having a baby right now.”
“It’s what I want to do,” I said stubbornly.
“All I’m really trying to say is don’t rush into anything. As you said yourself, life’s been a bit tough over the last little while. You need to give yourself time to heal. Mourn the past before you embrace the future.”
“You might be right. I don’t know what’s good and what’s not good anymore. Every week I have a new idea, each one a little more fantastic than the last. But I’m really hooked on this idea of having a baby. I think it’s what I need.”
“Okay, but if you’re not prepared to give up the baby idea, perhaps you should think about the whole Todd thing; I know that I’d sure hate to meet my Mr. Right if I was pregnant with a baby for someone else.”
“I’m not like you, Shellie. I’ve been in a committed relationship remember? Okay, so we didn’t quite make it to the altar, but we were close enough and trust me, it was an eye-opener. I think that one experience was enough for me, but I do think I could manage with another child by myself once I’ve sorted out my work situation.”
“Maybe we’re more alike than you think,” said Shellie with a sudden grin. “It’s just that I’ve gone past the ideas stage of life; these days I don’t get the great ideas or anything like that; I just go straight to the screw-up stage. That’s me—just a long line of screw-ups.”
I giggled, “I definitely think I’m ahead of you when it comes to being the screw-up queen; I just prefer to give everyone around me a bit of notice, that’s all.”
“For which we are all truly grateful,” Shellie said solemnly before joining in the laughter.
“We could both just be a bit down in the dumps. It’ll pass,” I said hopefully because I wasn’t used to Shellie being on a downer.
“I agree,” Shellie said, “I think maybe we’re just making some natural adjustments to some rather dynamic changes in our lives.”
“When did we become such losers?” I asked. “Weren’t we going to grab life by the balls and make names for ourselves?”
“Shit happens.”
“Yeah, but so much of it? I feel like I’m drowning in all this stuff.” I shifted position again trying to get comfortable, “Oh, and while I’m having a good old moan—when, exactly, are you going to get a decent sofa like normal people?”
“It’s a perfectly good sofa. I paid a full hundred bucks for it at the Value Village. I don’t see the point of adding to the landfill crisis if I can reuse a pre-owned sofa. I saved money as well as doing my bit for the environment; it’s a win-win. I might get it reupholstered though because it is a nice old piece.”
“Old being the operative word! Maybe next time, get one that’s not so close to the ground, we’re not getting younger.”
“Speak for yourself; I’m still young and extraordinarily hot.”
I grinned at Shellie, “Well, right now I feel ancient. I also feel panicked, you know, like if I don’t get laid, or have a baby, or something, then I’m going to be old and lonely and all shriveled up.”
“You can always get laid if you’re prepared to lower your standards and, if you use a good moisturizer, there’s absolutely no need for you to be shriveled up at all. So right there we’ve just solved two-thirds of your problems.”
“Apparently you’re in a flippant mood and I need some real advice.”
Shellie glanced over at the large silver clock adorning one of the walls, “Sorry darling, I do sympathize. You know I do—I just think we’re all still getting over losing Nicole. But life does go on, surprisingly. We can’t let the past destroy us—no matter what it is that we’re dealing with. As it stands, I’m currently dealing with a lot of my own crap with work so I’d best be getting on with my current task.”
“What’s wrong?” I was immediately concerned because I too had experienced the joys of working for idiots.
“I’ll tell you about it another time. Maybe I’ll even come over for a drink this evening but, right now, I have to make a few calls. My boss is chomping at the bits for my latest report so I have to kick you out.”
“I hope they pay you extra for working so hard.”
“They pay me enough, I guess.”
“Yeah, but you always seem to be working so hard these days. All work and no play makes Shellie a boring old fart.”
“Go away, Shaniah.”
“Ok, I’m leaving you to make mad passionate love to whatever the hell you’re working on. Don’t take too much crap from that boss of yours. You should get him to join assholes anonymous.”
“Bye, Shaniah.”
I hugged Shellie briefly, “Be happy for me!”
“Oh yeah, the baby thing. I’m so frigging happy for you right now that I can hardly contain myself.”
I ignored the sarcasm and grabbed my purse, “Thanks for listening; I know you’re stressed out with work so I’ll leave you to it.”
“No problem. But I want you to chill out a bit and I’m going to assume that this latest great idea of yours shall fall by the wayside,” Shellie said looking at me hopefully.
“I can see I’m going to have a hard time convincing you to take this seriously but it’s what I really want to do.”
“I’m taking this so seriously that I’m even going to make you an offer. If Todd can’t get it up, let me know and I’ll pop into that little adult store downtown and buy you some goodies
to tide you over. I don’t want my best friend to die of sexual frustration.”
“Oh, right, well thanks for nothing.”
“Don’t be mad at me; I do want to support you. I just think you need to take some time out before making too many life-changing decisions.”
The last thing I needed at that moment was the voice of reason screwing up my plans.
“I’m not mad and I hear you. You’ve got a lot on your plate right now and I’m going through a mega crisis. Don’t worry though, I’ll catch up with you later when you’re in a more receptive mood.”
Shellie snorted and I knew it was time to leave. It was time to find more sympathetic ears. I would just have to consult with Ria. She was perhaps even less suited to the task than Shellie but she would have to do; these were desperate times and beggars didn’t get to be choosers.
CHAPTER SEVEN
I caught up with Ria on the weekend, while Josh was at his martial arts class.
She answered the door in a white toweling bathrobe, matching fluffy slippers and dorky black reading glasses perched at the end of her nose. She looked like a million dollars.
“Hey, Sis,” she said, “You’re lucky to catch me in. How come you didn’t call?”
“I did, several times, but you’re not answering your phone.”
“Oh crap, the battery probably died. I’d better put it to charge.”
I threw my purse on the white leather sofa and tucked my feet up. This was more the business—this sofa was the epitome of comfort.
“Do you need some wine?” Ria asked.
“It’s only 11.30.”
“Vodka, then?”
“I’ll have some herbal tea; I don’t need to add liver cirrhosis to my other problems.”
“Killjoy!” said Ria.
I considered my position. If I went ahead with my baby-making plans, I would have to completely give up alcohol for the duration, so it was probably a good idea to exploit every opportunity to drink while I still could.
“Okay, forget the tea, I’ll go with something white and dry.”
“That’s more like it.” Ria poured the wine and handed the glass to me, before walking off towards her bedroom.
“Keep talking,” she yelled. “I’ve got to find an outfit for a super-hot date tonight.”
“Oh, I was hoping I could pick your brain for a minute.”
“Come in here then, unless you enjoy shouting.”
I followed her voice through to the bedroom.
“Who’s the date?” I asked.
“I met this new guy on one of those ‘NSA’ type websites.”
“What does that mean?”
“No strings attached. Well, it’s not strictly NSA, but not far off. I don’t know if I can go ahead with the whole sex with a stranger thing though.”
“Jesus Christ, Ria! You’re kidding right?”
“Okay, if it makes you sleep better, I’m kidding.”
“Mom would have a blue fit if she knew you were prowling the internet looking for sex.”
“It’s not exactly like that—give me some credit. I just want an arrangement with one guy. I’m over the whole marriage thing—you should understand that. But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. Besides, I’ve got some flavored condoms I’m dying to try.”
“Okay, that is way too much information and I’m still not feeling it for this new strategy of yours,” I said.
Ria peered at me over the glasses, “I’m doing this by choice. I’m not leaving my happiness to a husband who’s too busy looking for a younger model to invest time in me.”
I guessed she was referring to her husband who had departed the marital home by way of gross infidelity.
I held up my hands in mock surrender, “Hey, you’re an adult.”
Ria gave me a surprised look as if she couldn’t believe I was giving up the discussion so easily.
“Damn right,” she said before holding up yet another outfit, “How does this look?”
I shrugged, “You look good in anything. Maybe you should be focusing on packing a sawn-off shotgun if you’re intent on meeting complete strangers for intimacy.”
“Don’t get too excited. I’m just meeting him for coffee, or maybe cocktails, then dinner—kind of like your own internet date. After that, it’s back home, alone—at least for the first date. I’ve decided to play hard to get; no sex before date number two.”
I stared at Ria. I didn’t know whether to laugh or not because I wasn’t sure if she was being serious. Had she changed or had I? Had she always been this blunt?
Lately, there seemed to be a bit of a hard edge to her. I wasn’t sure I liked it. True, she had always been a bit of a tough cookie but this new approach to her love life was on another level. That was, of course, unless she was indeed joking.
“What about the site you recommended to me?” I asked. “How come you told me about it but you’re not using it?”
“We have different goals,” she said simply. “With this particular NSA site, you can pick someone who’s professional, has a clean bill of health and is ready to go. It’s kind of like an exclusive speed dating club really. We know what we want upfront. No bullshit. If I don’t like the looks of him, it’s hello and goodbye. If I like him, then we’ll meet again and, at any point when I’m comfortable, I can jump on his bones.”
I still didn’t like the sound of what Ria was proposing, but I was hardly in a position to judge her because she could have been describing my own recent experience with Jared to some extent. Maybe all dating sites were pretty much the same!
“I still think you deserve more than just some guy looking for sex online.”
“Oh, I know that. You’re quite right—I do deserve the best of the best, but, as I said, while I’m waiting for him to show up at my door, I’m gonna get me some action with a like-minded Adonis.”
“I just assumed that as you work in quite a large firm, you could find at least one decent guy there to date. I, on the other hand, only meet weirdos at the grocery store—although I guess there’s always the postman.”
“Isn’t he about a hundred years old?”
“At least.”
Ria giggled, “And I guess I could always resort to dating one of the criminals I’m supposed to be defending.”
“You know what I mean. You also meet other professionals. Maybe you could come to an arrangement with one of your colleagues—sort of like a friend with benefits arrangement. At least you wouldn’t be putting your trust in a stranger.”
“I don’t intend to put my trust in anyone ever again and I don’t believe in random acts of desperation. Dating a colleague would be even more dangerous than my current plans.”
I was beginning to feel a rising panic. Ria was making sense. Of course she was right—it was always going to be a bad idea to do anything out of desperation. Was I desperate? Were my decisions based on all the negativity of the past year, compounded by my disappointment with Jared and the whole online dating saga?
Shellie’s words rang in my memory ‘I’d sure hate to meet Mr. Right if I was pregnant with someone else’s baby.’
Did I really want to commit to my Plan B? Was it the hare-brained scheme that Shellie thought it was? Maybe it was time to shift the focus away from my plans.
Secretly, I was beginning to agree with Ria and Shellie that I perhaps needed to find a new love interest. It didn’t mean that I was ready to relinquish my plans completely just yet; maybe I just needed to think about finding a new potential baby-daddy just in case things didn’t work out with Todd.
“I guess I’ll just have to leave you to go after one of those online guys,” I said. “Maybe you’ll have better luck than I had.”
“And unfortunately I have to leave you to go after Todd.”
“So, should I assume that now isn’t the best time to tell you that I’m going to have a baby?”
Ria didn’t even bat an eyelid.
“Do you think this skirt looks good with thi
s top?” She held the proposed outfit against her body and did a semi-twirl in front of the mirror that dominated much of one bedroom wall.
Man, this girl was an even cooler piece of work than Shellie.
“Did you hear what I said?”
“Yeah, I heard. I could have sworn you mentioned the ‘B’ word.”
“That is correct. I’m not doing much else with my life right now. My career seems to have tanked and I’m thinking of a career switch, so why not now?”
Ria was still silent.
“Well, haven’t you got anything to say?”
“I have plenty to say.” She held up a white silk blouse, “Maybe this would work better…”
“Oh my God, just put on with whatever with the damned skirt!”
“Chill out, baby sister!” Ria placed the silk blouse and the itsy-bitsy skirt back on the bed and took my arm.
“Come through to the lounge and have another drink. Then, you can tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours. I can see you need intervention from your big sister before you completely wreck your entire life.”
Hello. Grown woman in the house here! Less of the condescension please—my name is Shaniah, not Josh.
Of course, I didn’t dare say what I was thinking out aloud because I didn’t want to totally piss her off. Ria didn’t have the most tolerant of personalities and I wanted feedback without the attitude.
“I can look after myself, thanks. You’re becoming more like Mom every day,” I snapped.
“Ouch! That’s a bit of a low blow.”
I grinned at her, “It was a bit, sorry!”
I sat on the leather sofa facing her. If anything, Ria was probably worse than Mom because she knew more of my secrets and she would not hesitate in using that knowledge.
“What’s all this nonsense about being pregnant and who’s the dad?”
“I’m not sure.”
“And you’re shocked when I tell you my plans for getting some long overdue action in the sex department?”
“Okay, so chill. I’m not actually pregnant, yet. But I think that if I’m ever going to have another child, I need to do something about it before I get too old. As for the dad, I’m thinking of jumping on Todd’s bones and letting him do the honors.”