by Beth Moore
Chris watched as the tears that had been forming in Lynn’s eyes stopped, as if being withdrawn back into their tear ducts. She saw the hurt in Lynn’s brown eyes turn into a cold, hard blackness. She felt fear as Lynn breathed out as if to release all of the compassion inside and breathe back ice to fill her veins. Chris knew she had gone too far. Whatever Lynn did was not deserving of her last statement.
Lynn felt the sting of Chris’s words. Anger rose within her, overtaking her entire body. She felt the roller coaster sliding off the tracks and crashing into darkness. Lynn just stood there, frozen, unable to speak.
Chris, getting no response from Lynn, quickly walked to the bedroom and slammed the door. She again paced across the floor. She needed a response. She needed it now. She opened the bedroom door and started down the hall when she heard Lynn on the phone.
“Yes, Peter Hadley, please… Lynn Gregory.” Lynn was speaking quietly. “Peter, Lynn. I just had a visit from Chris Newman… the tuition I paid out… yes. Peter, how did those funds get sent on a company check accompanied by instructions on letterhead?” Lynn paused and lit a cigarette, listening for a moment before raising her voice, “Always a cashier’s check, Peter, always a cashier’s check, and my God, Peter, letterhead?” She paused again, Listening, and continued, “If she’s screwing up my account, she’s got to be screwing up other clients’ accounts. Fire her, Peter. I mean it, fire her ass, before we lose a really big account over it.”
Listening again, she replied, “I’m really happy to know that you can still see that I can be a coldhearted bitch. See what this business does to me?”
Lynn ran her fingers through her hair, then covered her face and started again calmly. “Look, what’s done is done. Before I forget, that check for Miguel’s hospital bills just wasn’t enough. Send another five thousand, would you? And Peter—no company check!” Lynn slammed down the phone and turned to find Chris standing there.
“I thought that Matt didn’t like you to smoke in the house,” Chris remarked.
“It’s my house, I’ll do what I want,” Lynn said, the ice crystals forming on every syllable. Then, seeing the look on Chris’s face, she clarified her statement. “Yes, this is my house. I own it, and the cafe.”
It had never occurred to Chris that Lynn might own the house. “And Matt?” she inquired.
“He needed a place to stay. I liked the company, so he moved in,” Lynn explained coldly.
Chris nodded in bewilderment. She was having a hard time processing all these new revelations.
Lynn looked Chris straight in the eye. “Look, I’m sorry that you could even consider that this was a game for me, or that I would try and buy you like that.” Lynn broke eye contact and lowered her gaze to the ground. “I’m sorry if you ever felt pressured to…” She paused for a second, and continued, “I’m sorry if I’ve made unwelcome advances. I thought something was happening between us.”
Chris crossed her arms against her chest. “I’m not a lesbian, Lynn!” she stated loudly.
Lynn felt the blade turn in her heart. “I really apologize. Your little charade is almost over. I’ll just stay out of your way until you leave.” With that, Lynn took her keys from the table and walked out, closing the door, and their relationship, softly behind her.
Chris changed into her running gear and began jogging through the soft sand toward the harder surface. She started out slowly, letting the cool breeze blow through her hair, watching the people taking advantage of the longer days. She saw the families, with their blankets stretched out, their children building castles from the sand. She watched as young men played a game of football. She stared as she passed a couple of women, arms interlocked. She quickened her pace, and before long she was at a full run. She ran at foil speed until she doubled over with pain in her side. Her knees collapsing into the sand, she felt the tears running down her face. It didn’t matter how fast she had run, she could not run away from her feelings for Lynn. She sat down on the gritty surface and covered her face with her hands. What had she done? Did she really mean those things that had spouted from her own mouth? She had pushed Lynn away so hard. Now she was gone.
Chris sat in the sand, watching the sun as it shone a brilliant red, then began disappearing into the sea. She felt like the setting of the sun closely correlated with the last week. She had seen the brilliant red—then saw it disappear before her eyes. Standing, she began jogging back, not really caring that it was probably past the time they were supposed to meet Matt’s parents.
Lynn wandered into Matt’s shop and leaned against the hood of the car that he was repairing. Matt looked up to find eyes hill of pain.
“Hey, are you all right?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
“It’s over between me and Chris.”
“I tried to warn you. You didn’t answer the phone.”
“I guess I didn’t hear it. So she came here first?”
Matt nodded. “I tried to explain. She just wouldn’t listen.”
Lynn shrugged. “Yeah, she wouldn’t listen to me either.”
“What did you say to her?” Matt asked.
“It doesn’t matter. She had a right to be angry. I should have told her,” Lynn mumbled as she stared off into space.
“Just let her cool off, then you two can talk it out.”
Lynn shook her head. “No, too many things were said. It’s time for me to bow out.”
“Bow out? You mean you’re giving up?” Matt asked in disbelief.
Lynn nodded, then turned to Matt. “I’m through messing with her life, Matt. She’s frustrated, I’m frustrated. I can’t deal with it anymore.”
“Wow. Stupid me, I thought you were actually in love with her.” Matt acted disgusted as he cleaned off his hands.
Lynn felt the tears well up in her eyes. “I do love her. That’s why I have to walk away.”
“Lynn.” Matt took Lynn’s face in his hands and looked into her eyes. “She’s in love with you, too, she’s just fighting it.”
Lynn backed away from her friend. “No more fighting, no more hurting, no more… love.”
Reaching the edge of the building, Lynn stopped and ran her fingers through her hair. “I won’t be around for a while, but if you need me, you know where you can find me.”
Chris slowed her pace to a walk as she approached the house. Matt was dressed for the evening and was leaning against the railing watching her approach.
“She’s gone,” Chris said, not raising her eyes as she climbed the stairs.
“I know. Isn’t that what you wanted?” Matt asked softly, still staring into the fading light.
“I don’t know what I wanted,” Chris replied.
Matt nodded, took a swig from his bottle, and looked back toward the water.
“Is that all you’re going to say?” Chris asked, wanting some kind of reassurance that everything would be okay.
Matt turned around, leaned back onto the railing, and shrugged. “What would you like me to say? “ Matt paused, shook his head, and slid open the door, stopping only to say, “I called to tell my parents that we were running late. They’re expecting us at seven.”
Matt turned over the ignition as Chris slid into the car next to him. She reached over and pulled the door shut and remembered fondly how Lynn had always opened the door for her. She had tried to push the day’s events back in her mind during her shower. Unfortunately, just having this one memory made her eyes fill with tears.
“Oh God, Chris, please tell me that you’re not going to be like this all night!” Matt groaned.
Chris sighed. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I’m sure the concert will take my mind off of it.”
Matt laughed. “You do remember that we’re going to a classical music concert, right?”
“Yeah. I like classical music. I just hope it’s mostly upbeat.” Chris paused, then began again, “Matt… about Lynn…”
Matt cut her off sharply. “Chris, I don’t want to hear one more word about it
, not tonight, maybe ever. Okay?”
Chris nodded and dried her eyes.
Although Chris found it unbelievably difficult, she was able to make small talk all through dinner. At least the dinner conversation kept her mind occupied; the concert did not. During the first hour, no matter how hard she tried, Chris could not keep her mind from wandering. She relived the past two weeks, then the events of that day. By intermission, Chris was sitting on the edge of her seat. As the lights were turned up, she immediately excused herself to use the bathroom.
Chris rushed to the pay phone, tore open the phone directory, and searched frantically for the number for the bar. Locating it, she dialed… one ring… two rings… three rings… come on, come on.
Someone answered, “Rainbow Room,” the voice yelled over the music in the background.
“Sam?” Chris asked.
“Yes, this is Sam.”
“Sam, this is Chris. Is there any way that you can get Lynn to the phone, I’ll wait if I have to,” Chris said, sounding panicky.
“Chris, Lynn didn’t come in tonight. Said she wasn’t feeling well.” Sam paused. After no response on the other end of the line, Sam asked, “Isn’t she at home?”
“Umm… never mind,” Chris said into the phone before slowly placing the receiver back on the base. She fed another set of coins into the device and dialed the number at the house. The phone rang on the other end—one, two, three, four, five times. Come on, pick up, Lynn, she said to herself. Chris heard the machine click on and waited for the beep. “Lynn, if you’re there, pickup, please!” Chris waited for an answer and felt a surge of disappointment as she hung up. What was she going to do?
The two couples sat in a booth reviewing the menus. Chris had tried to give Matt “the look” when his parents had offered to buy dessert after the concert, but as usual, Matt didn’t catch on. It didn’t even seem to faze him when she declined on ice cream. He should’ve known that she was close to the breaking point from that gesture alone. Chris was having trouble keeping her mind on the conversation at hand, but the next sentence out of Marie’s mouth brought her screeching back to reality.
“Matty, I hope that you can put up with us for a little longer!” Marie smiled and placed her hand on her husband’s. “John and Barbara Murdock, you know, the couple that we ran into tonight? Well, it seems that they were going on a cruise with another couple next week, and the other couple had to cancel. They asked us if we’d like to take the couple’s place!”
Matt gulped as he looked first at his mom, then at his dad.
“It’s actually one of those three-day cruises down to Mexico and back. It doesn’t actually start until Tuesday, and we get back late Friday,” Charles explained.
“Yes,” Marie smiled. “That means we have at least four more days to spend with you! Tomorrow, Sunday, Monday, and then next Saturday…”
“Maybe we’ll just stay until next Sunday, that way we’ll have the whole next weekend with you,” Charles suggested.
Matt looked at Chris and nervously smiled. “Great! Right, Chris?”
Chris tried her best to return the smile. Another week of this charade? Could this day get any worse?
Matt pulled up in front of the house and put the car into park. He could see the disappointment on Chris’s face when Lynn’s truck wasn’t in the driveway. They walked into the house and Chris headed to the couch.
“So… Chris,” Matt stuttered, trying to find a way to ask how she felt about playing his fiancee for another week. “About my parents staying for another week… I had no way of knowing. I couldn’t tell them not to—”
“Matt,” Chris softly interrupted. “It’s okay. I know you couldn’t do anything about it. What’s another week?” she said resignedly.
Matt hugged her. He knew she was in pain, and this just added to her misery. Chris pulled away and plopped down on the couch.
“Aren’t you going to bed?” Matt asked. “It’s late.”
“No, I’m just going to hang out here for a while,” Chris replied, turning on the television.
Matt sat down on the coffee table in front of Chris. “She won’t be home tonight, Chris.”
Chris avoided his eyes. “I’m not waiting for her. I’ll go in to bed soon, I promise.”
Matt sighed, stood, and walked down the hall. He hated to see the most important women in his life in such pain.
Lynn lay on the leather couch in her hotel room and stared out the door at the city lights. She had kept the room in the city as a permanent second residence so that she had a place to stay when she was working. It was easier than a regular apartment as it was always kept clean, and due to room service, she never had to cook.
Getting up from the couch she wandered over and opened the doors out onto the patio. She leaned on the railing and looked down at the cars and the people below. Nothing had changed. Her life had stopped, but everything else had continued. She tried to take a breath of fresh air but breathed in only smog. She longed for the cool, clean ocean breeze.
Back at Lynn and Matt’s place, Chris flipped through the channels unable to find anything that she wanted to watch. Maybe it was because she couldn’t think of anything else but Lynn. Her mind was reeling with all of the new information she had uncovered today. Lynn Gregory an investment analyst? That explained the investment magazine in her bedside drawer. Chris walked to the bedroom, changed her clothes, and grabbed the magazine she had previously found.
With a full dish of ice cream in hand, Chris plopped back down on the couch and opened the magazine. She put the first spoonful in her mouth. It immediately brought back the memories of the other night and the feeling of Lynn’s tongue on her bare skin. Shivering, she shook the feeling aside and flipped through the pages. What a boring magazine, she thought, until she came upon a very interesting picture, a picture of Lynn. At least the face looked like Lynn’s, She read the caption under the photograph, “Lynn Gregory at the top of her game.” No wonder Lynn had kept it.
Chris settled in to read the two-page article on Lynn. When she had finished, she sat in shock, for the second time that day. The article said Lynn finished college at nineteen, made full partner in her investment firm at twenty-three and, as they said in the article, was “on top of her game” at thirty. Lynn said she was thirty-two. This woman had it all. What had happened to the woman in the last two years to make her completely change her life?
The bowl of ice cream empty, Chris closed the magazine and thought about the Lynn Gregory that she had come to know. She wasn’t anything like the headstrong genius she had read about. She wasn’t even sure that she would have liked Lynn if she had been like the person in the article. Maybe Matt was right. Maybe she wouldn’t have felt the connection with Lynn if she had known who she was in the beginning. Chris stretched out on the couch and drifted off to sleep pondering the question.
Back at the hotel, Lynn finished a drink. Turning down the comforter, she thought back to where she was just the night before. At home in her own bed, with the woman she loved lying in her arms. She climbed into the sheets, turned off the light, and lay there feeling entirely alone. She felt the first tear roll down her cheek. Rolling over, she softly cried herself to sleep.
Chapter Fifteen
Chris awoke to someone gently rubbing her arm. She smiled and sleepily opened her eyes. “Lynn?” But as she focused she saw not Lynn sitting beside her, but Matt.
Matt shook his head. “I told you that she wouldn’t come home last night. I don’t know why you waited out here for her.”
Chris stretched out after being cramped on the couch all night. Seeing the magazine on the table, she felt the pain of yesterday’s events overwhelm her again.
Matt followed her eyes to the magazine on the table. Picking it up he said, “Where did you find this?” Without waiting for an answer he chuckled and threw it back on the table, commenting, “Totally different person now, huh?”
Chris nodded in agreement, “What happened to her?”
“She just gave it all up?” Chris questioned.
“Yeah, well sort of. She still works once in a while. She still has a few clients and she still looks into investments for my dad. She has to do certain things to keep up her status as partner,” Matt explained.
“Well, I gotta go,” he said as he stood and walked to the door, holding a cup of coffee. “See you tonight.”
Chris reached over and again examined the picture of Lynn in the article. Then she let her eyes scan the photographs on the mantel. The exterior differences were obvious—her hair was shorter now; she had ear piercings; her body was much more toned and muscular. But the real difference was in her eyes. Lynn had been so right: you could tell a lot about a person through the eyes. The eyes of the woman in the picture were cold and shallow. She remembered the eyes she had looked into not more than two days ago—warm, sensitive, caring. Then, the eyes grew full of anger and hurt as Chris’s memory from their encounter on Friday resurfaced in her mind.
Suddenly, Chris found herself rolled into a ball, occupying only a fraction of the large stuffed sofa. She curled her knees in even closer and softly cried herself to sleep.
The shrill ring of the phone abruptiy woke Chris from her dreams. Rubbing her face, she tried to wipe away the remnants of the tears that had dried on her cheeks. She rushed to the device, somehow hoping that it was Lynn. Chris tried not to show her disappointment as she heard Matt’s voice on the other end.