Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One

by Terry Crews

  I started giving Big Terry credit for what he did do. He was a good earner. He was a good provider. I never excused what had been wrong, but also being able to see the positive finally changed my perspective. It changed my view of our story.

  Big Terry always felt like he had done better than the previous generation, and I started to see him and appreciate that. I saw that I’d gone even a bit further than he did, and I hope my son will go further than I did someday. He doesn’t have to go through all of the different hardships I went through, but he’ll have his own struggles, too.

  Finally, it all became clear to me, and I called my father.

  “Big Terry, I truly believe this, man,” I said. “If I could choose who my parents were, I would choose you.”

  It took a lot to say it, but it was the absolute truth. I realized if I had Bill Cosby as a parent I could have ended up in a whole different place, and not necessarily a good one, either. I’ve seen great kids come from terrible parents, and I’ve seen awful kids come from the best parents. And for me, Big Terry and Trish are how I got here.

  “I would choose you all over again if I could pick my parents,” I said. “I would pick you.”

  He cried and he cried. And talk about a breakthrough, as soon as those words came out of my mouth, everything changed. He was suddenly humble.

  “Terry, I’m sorry for what I did to you and Marcelle,” he said. “I was wrong.”

  WOW. As much as I had longed for an apology from my father for all of those years, I had never really thought it was possible. But by finding my own compassion for him, I had broken down everything that needed to be broken within him. Before that, I’d always hoped that when he got himself together, he’d come to me. I’d always been waiting for him. When, really, he was just waiting for that from me.

  “Terry, I want to be better,” he said. “I love you, son. I’m proud of you. You did good.”

  Just those few words from him were exactly what I’d needed to hear to break something open inside of me, and we were able to finally heal. I’m so grateful for that moment. And I really think much of it was only possible because of how I’d witnessed Rebecca handle our marriage. My anger toward Big Terry was perfectly justifiable, just like her anger toward me, but if I’d just stayed in that anger, and in my pride, there would have been no way for the relationship to move forward and to deepen and grow. Once I’d humbled myself, and once I’d had the courage to lead with compassion rather than anger, as I’d seen Rebecca do, I realized that everything is not about good or bad. It’s about what you can learn from it.

  I don’t get the chance to go back home that often, but when I traveled back to Flint in the fall of 2013, I went out to breakfast with my mother, father, and sister. We talked some things out that we hadn’t talked about in a long time, and it wasn’t acrimonious at all. It was healing, and we were all at peace.

  This is what it is, I thought, never denying things, but just acknowledging them and learning from them, and then leaving them behind to move on with our lives.

  After breakfast, we were out in the parking lot. I hugged Big Terry, and then, as my arms were around him, I wouldn’t let him go. I hugged him like I had when I was four years old, really squeezing him tight. For a minute, I felt him tense up, like okay, and then he just let go, and I kept holding him, and he let me. I never could have imagined hugging him like that before, and if I’d stayed in my manly sense of my pride, I never would have been able to, either. I think he realized this, too.

  He called me the next week.

  “That hug you gave me,” he said. “That was a good hug. It was wonderful.”

  RIGHT NOW, I’M ALL ABOUT REVERSING AS MUCH OF THE damage of the past as I can—pain that was caused to me, and pain that I’ve caused to others. And I’ve discovered something really amazing along the way, too. As long as it takes to mess something up, it doesn’t take nearly as long to fix it. It takes a while to do it right, sure, it definitely takes a while. But I’ve seen it with my father, and I’ve seen it with my wife: You can make up twenty-five years of mistakes in five years. If you start healing today, you will gain momentum much more quickly than you think, and even before you’re all the way there, you’ll feel so much better along the way.

  I don’t ever want to go back, with Big Terry, or anyone else in my life. I don’t ever want to go back to feeling resentful toward people. And I don’t want to create any more damage in the future. When I see my kids struggling with the growing pains we all have as we go through life, I try to model compassion and patience.

  “Your father’s been through a lot of therapy,” I say to them. “Your father is not perfect. There were times when I totally blew up. And I’m telling you that I’m not perfect. So how can I expect you to be?”

  I’m especially mindful with my son because I know from my own experience how stupid men can be, and how many limiting ideas of masculinity we take on, and the damage they can do in our relationships and in our lives. I know the day is coming when it will be time to talk to him about what it means to be a man. And right now, I’m just working on creating trust and really building our relationship, so he knows he can say anything to me.

  I don’t want his experience to be like mine was. When I was a young man, I could never get any questions answered. And I want him to know that no question is off-limits or wrong. I want to be able to explain sex and love and life to him without shock or shame. This is how it works. This is what people feel. And this is how women should be treated. You have sisters. You wouldn’t like your sister being treated badly, or even looked at like she’s an object. Let’s talk about what that means for the women you encounter in the world, because that’s someone’s sister. That’s someone’s mom. Someone loves them. You have to respect who women are and treat them like human beings, not objects to be ogled and used. Women have feelings, and you do, too, and to deny their feelings is just going to make you feel bad about the man you’re becoming.

  Well, he’s only eight right now. But I’m really looking forward to those talks.

  It’s funny because my whole life was dedicated to the pursuit of being a superhero, of being stronger, faster, harder, larger than life. For years, I dedicated myself to this, on the football field, and in Hollywood, and I’ve actually accomplished much of what I set out to do, and so much more. But, as I look back on everything, there is no greater accomplishment for me than this: being present enough to fully enjoy moments like this one.

  During the summer of 2013, Rebecca sang the National Anthem at a Los Angeles Dodgers baseball game. And, truly, that experience was better than anything else I’ve ever done. I was there as a spectator, with all of our kids, all together, and to watch her sing and kill it, and to watch the crowd go nuts, that was literally the best feeling I’ve had, ever.

  I looked over at the kids Rebecca and I have created and loved together.

  “Your mommy’s living her dream,” I said.

  I looked out at the field. The sun was setting, and the palm trees were dark against the golden sky where the sun was going down. Rebecca did such a great job, and she was so happy. And being there for her was better than anything else I’d ever done on my own. My blessings were never for me. They were for her, my kids, and anyone else this story of my life touches. And that’s the real secret to manhood: having the courage to be man enough to support the ones who make you great.

  To the love of my life, Rebecca,

  who taught me that I don’t have to be perfect … just faithful

  Rebecca Crews, my children Naomi, Azriel, Tera, Wynfrey, and Isaiah. My granddaughter, Miley, and son-in-law, Jorge. My parents, Terry and Patricia Crews; my brother, Marcelle; my sister, Michaell. Zella Wright (Mama Z), my grandmother Mary Moore, my grandfather General Simpson. My mother-in-law Anna King Lund, my Uncle Buddy Simpson, my Aunt Paulette Simpson Haynie, my cousins A.J. and Monique. My sister-in-law Tramelle, and nieces Charisma and Faith. My grandmother Ermelle Williams (Suk), my Aunt Marketa Moore, my Au
nts Faye, Clare, and Bright. The late, great Claude Smart. My Uncle Sonny Crews, Robert Blonde, JoNathan Watkins, Darwin and Andria Hall, Ken and Janice Harvey, Jerome and Muriel Espy, Micheal Lewis, Joe and April Applewhite, Trevor Ziemba, Gary Bruening, Lee Williams, John Davidek, Matt and Vanita Wamble, Ron Croudy, Charles Estes, Jean Estes, Doug and Robin Parker, Ronnie Jones, John Robinson, Bobby Ross, Pastor Joel Brooks, Al Molde, Orlando Wilson, Pierre Mayo, Don Sparks, Craig Sutters, Derrick Carr, T. K. Kirkland, Reginald Hudlin, Robert Wise, James Gutierrez, Troy Zien, David Krintzman, Brad Slater, Andy McNicol, Steve Perrine, Marnie Cochran, Sarah Tomlinson, The Anderson Group, Eric Fulton, Kelli Miller, Mark Allenbach, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Shawn and Marlon Wayans, Damon Wayans, Damien Dante Wayans, Craig Wayans, Chris Rock, Ali LeRoi, Owen Smith, Ice Cube, Katt Williams, Dan Goor, Micheal Schur, Andy Samberg, Andre Braugher, Stephanie Beatriz, Melissa Fumero, Joe Lo Truglio, Chelsea Peretti, Joel McKinnon Miller, Dirk Blocker, Antoine Fuqua, Ravi and Michele Mehta, Stephen Brown, Floyd, Lloyd, and Troy Weaver, DeAndre Richmond, Tichina Arnold, Tyler James Williams and family, Tequan Richmond, Imani Hakim, Whoopi Goldberg, Aaron MacGruder, Aaron Sorkin, Pete Segal, Micheal Ewing, Michael Strahan, Eva Longoria, Tony Parker, Ronny Turiaf, Thierry Henry, Chris Daughtry, Charlie Murphy, Charlie “Mack” Alston, Matt and Rick Alvarez, Arsenio Hall, Romeo Bandison, Carl Banks, Buckshot, Ernie Barnes, Robi Reed, D’Angela Proctor, Nia Hill, Matt and Jimmy Blondell, Nana Boateng, Bobby Boyd, Wayne Brady, Eric Brantley, Mark Taylor, Antonio Fargas, Justin Bua, Dale Comstock, Frank Coraci, Kevin Grady, Jason Statham, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, Wesley Snipes, Will and Jada Smith, Steve Austin, Jeff Daniels, Mario Van Peebles, Vincent Pastore, Lester Speight, the late Michael Clarke Duncan, Tiny Lister, Tommy Davidson, David Alan Grier, Mike Judge, Victoria Thomas, Daryl Eckman, Rodney Jerkins, Kem, Anthony Hamilton, Bebe Winans, Israel Houghton, Dr. Jim and Marguerite Reeve, Danny Giles, Bill Goldberg, Tracy Gray, Brad Harper, Michael Irvin, Deion Sanders, Michael Jai White, John Murphy, Dana Jones and family, Dan and Ellen Kolsrud, Mtano Loewi, George Longwell, Fuzzy Kremer, Elic and Natasha Mahone, Arthur and Stephanie Harris, Bart Mandel, Psychological Counseling Services, Curtis Martin, Rusty McClennon, Will Packer, Dr. Clifford Penner, Michael Rooker, Devon Shepard, Shiyena, and Sinbad. Many apologies to any and all I may have failed to acknowledge on this page.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  TERRY CREWS is a former model (Old Spice) and NFL player (Los Angeles Rams, San Diego Chargers, Washington Redskins, and Philadelphia Eagles). After the NFL he became an actor, and he now has a long list of credits to his name, including work on The Newsroom, Arrested Development, Everybody Hates Chris, and in such films as The Expendables franchise, Bridesmaids, and The Longest Yard. He now stars on the Golden Globe Award–winning Fox sitcom Brooklyn Nine-Nine and has roles in six movies releasing in 2014. He has been married to musician and inspirational speaker Rebecca Crews for almost twenty-five years. They have four daughters and one son.