Love Undecided

by Denise Wells

  Chapter 53

  Kat

  We get back to the precinct in record time. I pressed ignore on two calls from Brad during the drive. So, it shouldn’t surprise me when he shows up at the precinct a short while later.

  “Did you even let one of the guys check you out?” he asks, once he finds me.

  “I’m fine, Brad. You could have checked me out if you weren’t so busy rescuing fainting damsels in distress.”

  “Dammit, Kat—”

  “Ready?” Bauer asks. I hadn’t even heard him approach.

  I nod.

  “What’s going on?” Brad asks.

  “The perp agreed to talk,” Bauer says.

  “What’s that have to do with Kat?”

  “He’ll only talk to her.”

  “No. No way,” Brad says.

  “It’s fine,” I say. “Bauer and Sherman will be in there with me the whole time.”

  “Actually …,” Bauer says. “He wants to talk to you alone.”

  “Alone?” I ask, my voice squeaking just a little bit. I mean, I may act like a total bad-ass sometimes, but I’m kind of a marshmallow inside. The last thing I want to do is be in a room alone with this guy.

  “Absolutely fucking not,” Brad says.

  “He’s chained in. And we’ll be right outside the door,” Bauer says to me, ignoring Brad. “Surveillance will be on the other side of the mirror recording everything. Even if something could happen, which it can’t, we’d be to you in a matter of seconds.”

  “Nothing is going to happen cause she’s not going in there with him,” Brad growls.

  “Not your call, man.” Bauer just looks at him and the two begin a mini stare-down.

  “Okay, okay,” I say as I step between them. “I’m going to talk to him,” I say facing Bauer. “And he’s chained up,” I say as I turn to face Brad. The two just keep staring at one another.

  I look from one to the other and get nothing in return.

  I wave my hand between them.

  Nothing.

  It’s like I’m not even here.

  “Fine, I’ll be in the room with the bad guy if anyone needs me,” I say to no one in particular. As much as I may like the alpha-attentiveness of two guys kind of fighting over me, it can really take its toll on a girl. I need a nap.

  I go to enter the room but can’t move. Brad has grabbed hold of my arm, effectively immobilizing me.

  “What the hell, Brad. Let go,” I say.

  “You aren’t going in there,” he says.

  “Uh, I think that’s up to—” Bauer starts.

  “Mind your own business,” both Brad and I say to Bauer at the same time.

  Bauer holds up his hands as if in surrender, and backs away down the hall.

  “Let me go.”

  “No.”

  “You’re being ridiculous, it’s totally safe. He’s chained to the freakin’ floor for God’s sake.”

  “If you aren’t going to be safe for you, then at least be safe for us. We just found each other again,” Brad says.

  “I’m not not being safe,” I say turning toward the door.

  “Don’t do this, Kat, or —“

  “Or what?”

  Brad stays silent. His teeth clenched and gaze hard.

  “That’s what I thought,” I say. Even though I actually have no idea what that thought really is.

  “You came,” Gil says softly.

  “Didn’t you want me to?”

  “Yes, but I didn’t think it would actually happen,” he says.

  “Why did you do it? Why did you take those girls? Did you rape them?” I ask him, getting right to the point.

  “No! I never touched them, not like that! I only took them because I couldn’t help myself. I never wanted to hurt them, I just needed something more to curb the cravings. Something that was just my own. I’m not that kind of person. I just like to watch, to look, that’s all.”

  I look at him with what I’m sure is total disgust on my face.

  “I shouldn’t have come here,” he says. “This was a mistake.”

  “Come here?” I ask. “You didn’t come here; we captured you.”

  “Only because I let you, I needed you to. You caught me because Ronald practically told you where to look.”

  “Who’s Ronald?”

  “Ronald called in the tip. I’m not mad at him for that, I’m kind of relieved to be honest. I’m tired of hiding.” He sighs and deflates back into his chair.

  “Ronald knows about this?”

  “He’s known all along. But he looks out for me. Even if I was capable of hurting the girls, he would have stopped me before I’d gone too far, I’m sure of it.”

  “Are you saying he watched you with the girls?”

  “He watches everything.”

  “And you let him? He doesn’t stop you?”

  “He can’t stop me, I’m stronger than he is,” Gil says.

  “He’s not stronger than I am. I just let him think he is.” It’s still Gil talking, but his voice has changed and his entire demeanor is different.

  Ohmigod. Does he have a split personality?

  “Are you… ” I start. “Am I speaking to Ronald now?”

  “You are. I am Ronald,” Gil/Ronald says. “Gil’s protector. I help him when a situation gets too tough for him to handle in an emotionally effective way. I am happy to answer any questions you may have about the abductions, the cameras, and the pictures. However, you should know that I am not the one who abducted the girls, nor did I take the pictures. Further, I am not attracted to underage females. I prefer a mature woman who is a little rough around the edges, someone who doesn’t mind getting dirty. Someone like you.”

  I’m a little shocked by that.

  “Are you saying I’m—” I stop myself from saying anything more. I don’t want to egg him on. I take a deep breath and try another tactic.

  “If you are not our perpetrator, what makes you think you can help us?” I ask him.

  “I know everything Gil does. He doesn’t always know that I know, but I do. I’m omniscient in our body. There is no way to envision the atrocities Gil suffered as a child. In order to understand, one would have to have lived it because the human brain can’t process that kind of information, or endure it, without protecting itself. By shutting down. Splitting apart,” Ronald says.

  “You say Gil suffered these things, yet you share the same body and the same mind, how is it that you did not suffer the same?” I ask him.

  “I stepped in to protect Gil. Gil is weak, everything affects him, everything that touches him has a lasting impact. I have no feelings. And with no feelings comes the inability to be affected. There have been very few times where Gil is strong enough to do something without my knowledge.”

  “Like when he kidnapped the first girl?” I ask.

  “Yes. But it wasn’t long before I knew and confronted him,” Ronald says.

  “How long?” I ask.

  “Maybe a week, not much longer. He doesn’t have the ability to lock me out for longer than that.”

  “Lock you out?” I ask.

  “Yes, prevent me from taking over. As I’ve said before, I am the stronger of us two,” Ronald says.

  “Are there any more of you?” I ask.

  “No,” Ronald says.

  “How can you be sure?”

  “I’m sure.” Ronald sits back in his chair and attempts a position of relaxed confidence.

  “Why did Gil plant the cameras in the girls’ rooms?” I ask.

  “To watch them,” Ronald replies.

  “Why didn’t you stop him from doing that?”

  “I wanted to see how far he would take it,” Ronald says.

  “Why did he put a camera on my deck?”

  “You intrigue us in a way like no adult woman has since mother. But in different ways, and for different reasons. Gil, because he thought you could save him. Me, because I wanted to fuck you.”

  He pauses and tilts h
is head to the left, his eyes shift up to the right as though he’s trying to recall something.

  “We’d been following you in person for a while, but it wasn’t enough. We wanted to be able to watch you, to feel close to you, at any time. Like Gil does with the girls,” he says.

  “Like Gil did with the girls,” I correct him. “Why didn’t you stop him?”

  “It’s my job to protect him, not monitor him. This was the first time that he made it so personal. In the past he has just used pictures that he has found to satisfy himself. And when the urges got too strong, he used a castration medication. But I have to admit that is not my favorite, for selfish reasons.

  “This was the first time that he picked specific girls and went so far as to watch them on camera, track them, and then take them. The strength and control and planning that took was a heady experience to watch.” Ronald has a look of almost awe on his face.

  “This was Gil unlike I’ve ever seen him. In some ways I was proud of how he handled this, and in how he’s handled himself with this,” he says.

  “So, there are times where Gil is in control of what’s happening, like when he self-medicates to control his urges,” I say, trying to confirm what he’s telling us. Trying to wrap my head around the whole idea.

  “Yes, Dissociative Identity Disorder is not as plain as black and white. It lies in the gray areas of explanation. Every person and every situation can be different. Even though I am the stronger one, there are still times when Gil is stronger than me —”

  He stops talking, then laughs.

  “Even now, he tries to argue his strength,” he says, his smile wide. “The times that he is stronger are not often or constant, but they are there. It is important to remember that my purpose is to protect Gil from situations that he can’t handle on his own. Even though, ultimately, I want him to be strong.”

  “So, he didn’t physically molest any of the girls?” I ask.

  “No, he did not,” Ronald says.

  I’m relieved he didn’t hurt the girls in a physical way. Though I still don’t understand his motivation. I decide to ask the main question still on my mind.

  “Why five girls?”

  “I can answer that.”

  His demeanor has changed again. And even if his voice hadn’t, I’d still know that I was now talking to Gil.

  I sit back in my seat and try to get comfortable. I have a feeling this is going to take a while.

  We take a late break from the interrogation to have lunch. I am tired beyond comprehension. All I want to do is go home and cry for a while, then go to bed. I want to cry for the girls and how scared they must have been. Even if he did drug them, I am sure that a small part of them was aware of their surroundings, and it had to have been terrifying.

  I want to cry for their families because they had no idea where their daughters were or if they would ever see them again. And when they did see them again, what would they find their daughters had endured. I’m sure, as a parent, always wondering what he did to them and why they couldn’t protect them.

  And, believe it or not, I want to cry for a young boy named Gil. Who suffered through such horrifying things as a child, things that no one should ever have to endure. I want to cry for how he can be such a dichotomy as an adult. How he knows, intellectually, that his tendencies are wrong, but how he can’t stop them emotionally. And how he fights those tendencies every chance he gets. I want to cry for Gil because he is a true product of his environment. I don’t think he ever stood a chance to be anything but bad.

  Sherman comes into the precinct break room where I happen to be nursing a cup of coffee. He sits down heavily in a chair next to mine.

  “He calls me Chubby Cohort,” he says.

  I start to laugh. “Out of everything he’s told me, that is what you are coming away with?”

  He sighs. “What can I say?” He holds his hand over his heart. “Words wound. And his hit me right here.”

  I laugh at him again. Delighted with this new Sherman who is a bit of a jokester, and grateful for the sudden lightness in the mood.

  “Do you think he will talk to you if I leave?” I ask.

  “I think you’ve gotten most of what we are going to get from him today. We know what he did and when. We know a little of why, but why doesn’t really matter. And we will know soon, with certainty, if he is distributing kiddie porn. Tech forensics have been working on his computer all day. If it helps, they didn’t find any still photos or captured video feeds of you.”

  “That does help, thanks,” I tell him. “I’m going to head out then, if that’s okay with you.”

  “Absolutely. You’ve been a huge help, once again, I’m not sure we would have solved this without you,” he tells me.

  I smile at the compliment. “Thank you, but we both know that’s not true. You would have solved it eventually, it just may have taken a little longer.” I stand to walk out the door. “Tell Bauer I said bye.”

  “I will,” Sherman says at the same time that Bauer walks in and says, “Tell Bauer you said bye? Cookie, I’m hurt you wouldn’t seek me out to give me a kiss goodbye. No hug or anything?”

  I backhand him on the shoulder. “At least the level of your ego never wavers,” I say.

  He waggles his eyebrows at me. “With good reason. Or so the ladies tell me.”

  I laugh at him and wave at them both over my head as I leave the room.

  Chapter 54

  Kat

  I check my phone once I get in the car.

  Nothing from Brad.

  I actually thought he would be there waiting for me when I finished with Gil.

  Until I remember that we’re fighting, and he may never be there to wait for me again. In his defense, he did warn me and I didn’t listen. Just went about doing my own thing, like normal.

  I text the girls once I get in the car. Even though I’m exhausted, I know if I go home, I’ll just rehash the entire day over and over again.

  Me: Anyone up for Crazy Burro? But like now, not later? I’ve had a day and I think I’m fighting with Brad. I need my girls & a margarita.

  Lexie: I could use a break. :-)

  Remi: How can you already be fighting with Brad? You just got back together.

  Lexie: You and Brad are back together?!?!

  Me: We were. But now I’m not so sure.

  Lexie: I’ll leave in 5.

  Remi: Walking out the door.

  I get to The Crazy Burro in a matter of minutes. Our favorite waitress isn’t there, but we still get our regular table.

  I order three margaritas and chips with salsa, check my email, checkin on Facebook, and sit back to wait for the girls. The margaritas arrive before they do. I take a long pull on mine, not caring if I get brain freeze, just wanting the calming effects of the tequila.

  Lexie gets there first, I stand to give her a hug. “Hey, cute outfit!” she tells me.

  Once again, I want to say ‘suck it’ to Bauer over his earlier derision of my clothing choice.

  She grabs her margarita and we cheers one another. She’s wearing cut-offs, a black Lovestone tank top, and pink Chucks. Her hair is down today and she looks absolutely adorable.

  “You look good,” I tell her.

  “Pfft.” She waves her hand dismissively. “That’s sweet. Now, tell me everything.”

  “I’ll tell you all about what happened once Remi gets here. Oh God, and I had to talk to the perp today,” I tell her.

  “Wait, are we talking about the case or Brad?” she asks.

  “Ohmigod, right? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in days!” I say.

  “I know! Tell me all about how you got back together.”

  “Well, apparently he and Remi were texting after we left the bar, and she brought me here and then he showed up and grabbed me all caveman style and pulled me to the back alley and fucked me against the wall.”

  “What?!?!” Lexie practically screeches.

  “I know. Be quiet! Anyway, it was a
mazing. So fucking amazing. And then he took me home and we had sex all night and I’m so sore, and God, Lexie, I’ve missed him so much and I didn’t realize it.”

  “I know you have, sweetie. I’m sorry. I’m so glad he’s back now though. You two belong together.”

  “That’s just it, now I don’t think we are going to be together,” I say.

  Remi sits down just then. She’s wearing a very sheer white peasant blouse, pulled low off the shoulders, with a black lacy bra underneath, paired with a full, knee length black skirt and some sassy, red, peep-toe wedge sandals. I don’t know how she gets away with wearing some of the things she does at her office.

  “How’d you fuck up everything with sexy not-ex that I so painstakingly put back together last night? Wasn’t it any good?” she asks.

  “Last night was amazing!” And I proceed to tell her what I’ve just told Lexie. Apologizing to Lexie for having to hear it twice. But when I get past the parts I’ve already told Lexie and to the part about Brad and I not being together, Remi says, “That is so not the guy who was texting me last night. I find it hard to believe that guy would ever leave you.”

  My eyes start to fill with tears. “Why do I always fuck this up?” I ask.

  “You haven’t fucked anything up. It’s just a little fight. Fights happen all the time,” Lexie says.

  “What if it isn’t just a little fight? What if I’ve finally gotten what I want and I’ve just thrown it away? It wasn’t even that important to talk to the perp. I just dug my heels in when he said no. Why didn’t I get an intuitive feeling then that told me to shut up? I’m so stupid,” I say.

  “Oh shit, I got salsa on my blouse, I’ll be right back,” Remi says.

  “I don’t see anything,” I say. But she’s already heading for the ladies room. In her defense, she is way more particular about clothes than either Lexie or I are.

  Remi returns to the table a short while later and we order our food. I tell them about the case and how it all played out and how my intuitive feelings helped. And I tell them about Gil and I swear that by the time I’ve finished, they feel sorry for him too.

  “It’s weird to feel sorry for someone whose actions are so repellant, right?” I ask.