The Gamal

by Ciarán Collins

  —You’re a winner.

  —Roundy said I’ll probably be out on my float the first few times cos I’ll make mistakes with the till.

  —You’re a winner babe, James said again, then tinkered away on the piano again.

  Sinéad threw a few quid in the till and got a bottle of beer for herself.

  She sat beside me.

  —You’re a star for doing the floor and the toilets for me. Thanks a million.

  —James helped me.

  —You’re never doing that again though. That’s not fair. I owe you one, right?

  —Yeah.

  —He’s playing well for a fella that’s in a tangle isn’t he?

  —Yeah.

  —I heard that, roared James.

  Sinéad laughed.

  —I’m not bitch you silly drunk, roared James.

  Sinéad laughed. Then she goes,

  —Did the lads tell you there’s training tomorrow at five?

  —Ha? said James. No. No one said it.

  —I heard Dinky and Teesh talking about it. Five o’clock tomorrow.

  James stopped tinkering with the piano and goes,

  —Why didn’t they tell me? Well I’ll be there anyway.

  —That’s what I like to hear, said Sinéad. I might go down for a look. Will you go down too Charlie?

  —I only do the matches.

  —Sure come and watch with me. Don’t mind the water bottles.

  —OK so, I goes.

  —Cool, she said and skipped around the corner to him. They giggled and I could hear them kissing.

  —I’m going to head off, I said, getting tired.

  —By fuck, you’re not, said James.

  —Stay right where you are Charlie, I mean it, said Sinéad.

  —I’m going out for a smoke so, I said.

  —OK, said Sinéad, that’s allowed but if you go home we’ll be up the hill after you.

  —Yeah, I said.

  —Yeah, she said.

  —Yeah, said James and laughed.

  I strolled away out the back door to the sound of wrong notes and Sinéad laughing and James saying,

  —The keys of the piano keep moving. Stay still ye little fuckers.

  Stayed out the bones of half an hour. Waited for the noise of the piano to start again and coughed loudly on my return.

  —No need for all the coughing, we’re respectable, said Sinéad.

  —Speak for yourself, said James. I’m only respectable in the sense that I can be respected. It is possible to respect me. I am . . . respectable.

  —Lost me babe, said Sinéad.

  —Did I lose you Charlie?

  —Yeah.

  —Lost to the world I am so.

  —You might have more luck making sense with the piano than your mouth. Play, she said, sitting on a stool at the bar.

  He played some familiar riff on the piano.

  —Cool, Sinéad said.

  Sinéad rubbed the polished oak counter slowly with her index finger, watching the condensation from her skin appear and disappear in an instant when she moved it. Then she started singing. I’d the words of ‘Time After Time’ here cos that’s what she sang.

  —That’s what I’m talking about, said James, that’s what I’m talking about. World must hear you. Your next job now is knowing it too. Not only believing it. But knowing it. Am I right Charlie?

  She went over and knelt beside him and said ssshhh and kissed him and said,

  —My beautiful drunk man.

  He shook his head and smiled at her and said,

  —I’m still right babe. Amen’t I right Charlie?

  —Yeah. He’s pure true Sinéad. You must know it yourself. Or else you could falter.

  —Falter, said Sinéad, beautiful word. You’re some gamal all right.

  —Yeah, I said.

  Sinéad sang slow,

  Don’t falter

  Don’t falter please

  We’ve come so far

  —That was nice, said James.

  He played Sinéad’s new melody on the piano, and jinked around with it a bit and came back to it again. When Sinéad sang again, he played quietly along with her on just a few keys.

  Don’t falter

  Don’t falter please

  We’ve come so far

  —That was OK was it? Sinéad asked.

  —A tad brilliant maybe, James said.

  —What did you think Charlie?

  I could hardly listen to the talk cos I was still kinda lost somewhere between her voice and the tune. Still inside in the middle of it I was. I looked over and they were both looking at me for an answer,

  —Yeah. I like it. Keep going with it, I said.

  —You heard the man, said James, turning back to the piano and tinkering the tune out again. She sang,

  Believe in

  Believe in me

  We’ve come so far

  —Need to take it somewhere else now. A chorus that’s . . .

  Sinéad was trying to think exactly what she meant. James encouraged her.

  —OK yeah . . .

  —Like . . . dunno . . . ya know ‘Tangled up in Blue’ where like . . . it’s like you get flashes of what’s going on but aren’t sure. Like you don’t even know whose words you’re hearing, you know?

  —Yeah.

  —Like so far like we’re in the first person. Whoever’s talking is saying don’t falter. You’d presume it’s like to a lover or someone wouldn’t ya?

  —Yeah.

  —Well like . . . if we could like inject a bit of like mystery or something you know?

  —OK.

  —Like. There’s yearning and there’s fear, she said.

  —Yeah, James said.

  She sang some rambling lines then.

  —Did you ever hear such puke? Sinéad said.

  —I like it, said James.

  —I can’t find the chorus, she said.

  —The sound was beautiful, I said.

  —Thanks Charlie.

  —And some of the words were fierce nice as well I thought, I said.

  —What do you think James?

  —I think it’s amazing.

  He was after going over and leaning behind the bar and grabbed the biro and the notepad Sinéad had used for adding the money up and he started writing.

  Sinéad sang a few verses quietly and James wrote the lines. I was lying on the bench on the flat of my back with my eyes closed and when Sinéad couldn’t remember the words of the new bit of song she’d just created, I called them out.

  —That’s incredible Charlie. Do you ever forget anything? Sinéad asked.

  —Not that I recall, I said.

  When they finished that they got to work on the chorus that they couldn’t find.

  —Good tidings . . . What’s tidings?

  —Like . . . news I think, said James.

  —Cool. Good tidings. Bad tidings. No tidings.

  I sat in the corner cos I was sleepy. Ideas bounced between them. Their quiet voices washed over me with the shy and blooming ideas entering the room we were in. From I do not know where. Their voices spoke and hummed and sang ideas at each other’s minds. Of newborn. Of newborn dreams. Like children. Twins. Forecast. Outlook. Look out. Outpost. What prophecy is this? They took their wounds and cast them out to sea. Bleeding dreams. And all souls prayed for miracles. Yeah. Calm seas. Good tidings. The old man saving food for the young and dying instead of them. And secrets. Deathbed secrets made for all to save. Entrusted. Knowledge. Old man’s sacrifice. That to him is no sacrifice. Yeah. Child’s hand in his. The child is fascinated by something ordinary. Like tassels on the blanket. Yeah. Playing with the tassels while the old man dies and the others cry. Yeah. Old man says goodbye. You’ve come so. You’ve come so far. Go take the day. You’ve come so. You’ve come so far. Go take it please. We’ve come so far. Yeah I like that. What about? No, what about like the sea or something? A lighthouse.

  When I woke up the dawn of day was b
eaming in through the chinks in the curtains. They’d put a jacket over me that some drunk had left behind. They were asleep huddled in the corner of the bench opposite, her head on his belly. Her legs were on the bench, his were on the table beside it. I went over and shook James by the shoulder, telling him to wake up but it was Sinéad who woke.

  —What time is it?

  —Quarter to six.

  —Jesus.

  She sat up. She eventually woke James out of his drunken coma. He didn’t know where he was. She giggled.

  —Good morning, she said.

  —Ha? said James, looking wildly around.

  We left. James was carrying the pages with the new song on it, rolled into a scroll. The morning sun was hunting the mist off like Sinéad kicking the lads out after closing time. I took off up the hill.

  —See ye today, I said.

  —Slán, said James.

  —See ya later, said Sinéad, don’t falter.

  —Yeah, I said.

  17

  Sinéad called up to my house at about half four and she had some tea with the mother. She used to do that long ago when we were younger so it was kind of nice for my mother too. My mother put on some old Ray Charles record and was asking her all about life in Roundy’s. We headed over to the pitch then a bit after five and sat down on the grass bank looking down at the pitch. The lads were playing a training match between themselves. James was marking Teesh in midfield.

  Next thing we seen Sinéad’s father and he walking all unsteady down past us. He walked down as far as the wire that’s around the pitch below to where the other men were. He was half pissed already I’d say. He was kind of ignored, standing behind the men who didn’t move when he reached them. After a while one of them moved and he moved towards the wire then. Sinéad watched him the whole time. Was like she was willing them silently with her eyes to be nice to him. She only sat back and relaxed when he seemed more part of the group. She caught me looking at her then and I seen there was moisture after resting on her eyelids. Tiny bit more and she’d have had tears proper. She goes,

  —He’s got goodness in him Charlie.

  —Yeah, I said.

  —No really, she said.

  Silence then for a bit.

  —One time when I was small he carried me the full length of The Long Strand cos I was tired.

  The Long Strand is a mile long.

  —He’s suffered like . . . humiliations, you know?

  —Yeah, I said.

  —He does have goodness in him.

  —Yeah. He’s an alcoholic now though, I goes.

  —I’d just so love to see him happy you know? Or even . . . respected a bit, you know?

  —Yeah.

  —I remember one time when I was small long ago. Must have been like only six or seven. And he took me to a match. We got a spin off someone. I can’t remember who but we were both in the back seat. But anyhow, half time came and my father said he was going to the toilet so he brought me over to it and I waited outside. It was kind of high up in the back of the stand behind the goal. It was some kind of temporary toilet cos there was work going on there. The urinals were over a bit but they’d this weird little toilet up high at the back. But in he went anyway about his business. Then I notice everyone is turned around looking back at the toilet. It was some kind of canvas covering over it and the sun was shining so you could see the shadow or like the silhouette of him perfectly. Was like a shadow puppet show of someone like . . . you know . . . going . . . and all the young lads in the stand were having a fierce laugh and cheering his every move when he was like . . . going about his business. He came out then and the whole place gave him a big cheer. He grabbed me by the hand and walked straight out and went to the nearest pub. The people who brought us to the match found us and took me home and left him in the pub. There was some sort of a scuffle before I left. I remember a man holding him back and he trying to attack someone. Probably whoever had come to take me home.

  —Were you crying?

  —Yeah I was . . . Crap just seems to happen to him, you know? There was this other time. Am I boring you Charlie?

  —No, I goes.

  You’ll have to decide for yourself if what she was saying was boring but she wasn’t boring me. She couldn’t have isn’t it? She went on then about this holiday they went on.

  —It was a big thing for my mother and father like. For the three of us I suppose. My sisters wouldn’t go of course, cos . . . I dunno, I suppose they were just a lot older and didn’t want to. But it was nearly like a proper little holiday anyway like, for the three of us. They’d been planning it for weeks. They borrowed a car off someone and all. We were on the road anyway . . . in the middle of nowhere and . . . my father of course got lost. My mother was all quiet and annoyed.

  James just flattened Teesh on his hole then. Teesh still hadn’t got one touch of the ball. Sinéad was all wrapped up in her story.

  —So there we were, the three of us, in the middle of absolutely nowhere, could have been Donegal, could have been Clare. To this day I don’t know. But it was the West. There was mountains and it was near the sea. But we were halfway up this mountain, on a grass road looking for our B and B and there’s no sign of life for miles around. Next thing the crock of a car konks. My father was trying the ignition over and over again. Next thing my mam just shouted at him to stop. We all just sat there and no one said a word. Probably for five minutes but it seemed like for ever. I was just frozen there waiting for the fighting to start.

  —Oh Christ, I said.

  —But then my father turns around to me and he says, ‘Jaisis Sinéad girl, what are we going to do?’ I don’t remember what I said . . . But they both burst out laughing. They were in stitches. And looking back at me. The two of them looking over at each other and laughing and smiling. Mam turned around and stretched back to me and gave me a big hug.

  I was listening to her but I was just as interested in watching James make mincemeat of Teesh out on the pitch. Teesh hadn’t even touched the ball once so far. Sinéad was still on about this holiday.

  —Then we got out and had a picnic. And afterwards myself and dad went off picking wild flowers for mam. Then later on they took out this big bottle of whiskey.

  —Christ, I said.

  —No, like, it was OK. There wasn’t anything happened. The three of us sat down and watched the sunset is all. Me in the middle with my coke. Mam and dad drinking the whiskey from the bottle.

  Sinéad started rubbing her hands hard against each other then. Seen her do that times before and she telling me stuff.

  —And we could see the sea. Not much of it, but we could see it. Down . . . d’ya know the way two hills cross in the distance to make a V.

  She showed me with her hands.

  —Well there was this tiny bit of sea visible where the hills make the V. And the sun was going down. And it was this . . . just one of those amazing things. A coincidence I suppose. Whatever angle we had with the two hills like and the little bit of sea we could see in between them. The sun went down right in between the two hills, right down the middle, on top of the water. And the sun met the tip of the water. It was like . . . like the old sun and the new sun. With the reflection, you know? The two suns. Does that make sense? It was like. Felt like a birth or something. A new beginning. Does that sound like puke Charlie?

  —No.

  —But do you know what I mean? Was like some sign or something.

  You’d wonder what has delusion got to do with love? Or what has belief got to do with fear. Or what has sacrifice got to do with pity.

  —Such a vivid image it was. Am I making any sense Charlie?

  —Yeah, I goes.

  —And we just sat there and I looked up, into my father’s face. And he was looking over at my mam, kind of smiling but not really. Just staring at her. I knew by his face that right then he’d do absolutely anything for her. Then I looked over at my mam and there were tears running down her face. She wasn’t looking
at him, she was looking at where the sun was meeting the water.

  James floored Teesh a second time. Teesh still hadn’t touched the ball. No stopping Sinéad either. I looked at her cos she sniffed and I could see she was teary a bit, but she carried on anyhow.

  —Oh God. I’m sorry. Dunno where this is coming from. I’m just tired I suppose.

  —What happened then, I goes?

  —Just remember the three of us watching the sunset. The two suns. So the sun went down and I pretended to fall asleep on the rug. The two of them got their coats out of the boot and put them over me. And I just listened to them for a while. Laughing, talking. Giggles and whispers and my mother humming that Carly Simon song ‘Coming Around Again’.

  Then she looks at me all of a sudden and says,

  —That’s it Charlie. Harry Hogan played that song on the radio earlier. That’s why it’s in my mind. Jesus.

  —Ha, I goes.

  —And you know . . . I dunno.

  She was just thinking then for a sec and then she goes,

  —I’m not sure if it really was that song she was singing now that I think of it. I think it might have just been the song that my mind associated with it. You know? Isn’t that just . . . bananas. Just cos of the sound of the song you know? So weird. Does that ever happen you? Like where you just give a song a place and a time in your life?

  I just smiled and looked at her and shrugged. It was nice to see her all excited about something again. Music. It was always the music.

  —I’m sorry for being such a saddo Charlie. I’m just . . . I dunno.

  —Maybe you should give the song a try yourself with James. The mother has some Carly Simon records, I’ll bring them over to the library.

  —Yeah. Maybe. But do you not think I’d get all weepy again?

  —Sure so what if you do? Might help you leave it after you.

  —Yeah might be nice anyway to give it a try.

  She took a slow deep breath then, looking down at her father below. Then I goes,

  —You know the two suns with the sunset and the reflection?