by LP Lovell
“I changed my mind. I’ll work with you in the gym now, but after that, I have to go, and you will stay.”
She glances at me. “Okay, fine.”
10
Anna
Sweat trickles down my spine, and my muscles scream in protest as I collide with the mat again. Jesus, I thought Rafael might go easier on me than Carlos. He isn’t. He’s brutal. I shove to my feet, my chest heaving and my hair falling from its braid. Rafael cracks his neck from side to side, and I swallow heavily as the thick muscles of his body roll and flex ominously. I swear he only took his shirt off to scare me more.
“Faster, avecita. You have to be small and fast because you’ll never be stronger.” He comes at me, and I panic, the same as the last twenty times when he came at me. I dodge to the side, but not fast enough. His tree trunk of an arm collides with my chest as his foot sweeps my legs out from underneath me. I hit the mat with a thud, the air rushing from my lungs. This time, he lands on top of me, pinning both my wrists beside my head.
“Now I have you, little warrior.” There’s not even a trace of fear. Since that day when he asked for my trust, I’ve given it to him without question. And it’s so freeing. I’ve stopped thinking about the possibilities of what might be and started to live in the moment—because Rafael is safe. He’s always safe. He’s exactly what I need because he always knows what I need better than I do.
My chest heaves, my pulse racing as I try to recover from all the physical exertion he’s put me through. He’s not even sweating. He looks as cool and calm as he always does. He drags his nose up the length of my neck, a low groan slipping from his throat.
“Did you just smell me?” I ask, fighting a smile. “Do you have a head injury?”
He chuckles. “No head injury. You smell incredible.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Gross, Rafe. I’m all sweaty.”
His teeth scrape over his bottom lip, his dark eyes flashing. “Exactly.” His lips brush my neck, and I instinctively twist my head to the side, granting him more access. His tongue swipes the length of my throat, and I shiver.
“You’re supposed to be teaching me how to fight.” My voice comes out sounding breathy and strained.
“You need a break.” His teeth pinch my jaw, and my breath hitches. His lips move over my neck, my jaw, and then the corner of my mouth until he’s kissing me. His bare skin meets the exposed strip of flesh between my sports bra and my pants, red-hot and yet sending goosebumps tearing over every inch of my body. He presses between my legs, and I invite it: his attention, his possession. I tiptoe along the tightrope of Rafael’s restraint; waiting to fall off, yet knowing he will never truly let me tumble to the ground. He’ll always catch me. It’s that trust, that simple knowledge that opens the gate to all these foreign feelings. A strange tingling settles in my gut, warmth permeating me to my very core. Under his teasing kisses, a swarm of butterflies takes flight in my chest, fragile wings beating against my ribcage like a primordial drumbeat. Rafe’s fingers slip from my wrists, trailing down my arms, leaving sparks in their wake. He’s kissed me before. I’ve always wanted it before. This is different though. This is more; a longing, a need I can’t identify.
My hands fly to his back, my nails digging into rock-hard flesh as his tongue caresses mine.
“Anna,” he growls.
This feeling is eating away at me, a pressure that’s building until I’m restless. “I want you,” I blurt. I don’t really know what I’m saying or what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want, except him. I want everything that is Rafael. His brutality, his ruthlessness, his corruption, his tenderness, and the way he can make me feel safe and cherished with just a look. This man who should terrify me has become everything.
He drops his forehead to my chest. “Do you trust me?” He asks, his voice tight. I nod, and he glances at me. “Words, avecita. I need words.”
“Yes, you know I do.” I don’t know how many times I have to tell him.
“Look at me,” he orders. I look right at him, into those bottomless dark eyes. His fingers trail down my sides before sliding beneath the material of my yoga pants. My breaths quicken along with my heartbeat as his hands slide down, over my hips, down my thighs, taking the material with them. Panic starts to rise like a wave, threatening to consume me. But like the life raft that he is, Rafe pulls me from the cold depths of my memories. “Focus on me, Anna.”
He finally removes my yoga pants, and I lay there, muscles tight, anticipation lingering on the edge of fear as his huge body towers over me.
Stroking over my face, he places a soft kiss to my forehead. “I love you.” Thump-thump, thump-thump. My heart splutters raggedly. “Remember that.” As I look into his eyes, I feel it, the unbreakable bond snapping tight between us. Me, the girl he unwittingly saved, and him, my most unlikely salvation. I feel it, real and tangible, reaching out across the air between us, licking over my skin, warm and inviting. Love. Need. Belonging. I haven’t felt it in so long I’d almost forgotten what it feels like.
For a second he just watches me, his fingers tracing feather-light touches over my exposed skin. He kisses me, his lips strong and coaxing. Slowly, I relax into him, the tension in my muscles dissipating. Pulling back, he watches me carefully before dropping his lips to my neck and swiping his tongue over my collarbone. He places gentle kisses over my chest and my stomach. I close my eyes and bask in the simple sensation of his warm breaths skating over my skin. Fingertips whisper down my thighs before trailing back up the inside. The higher they go, the less relaxed I become.
His lips hit the inside of my thigh, and I tense. “You said you trust me.” He kisses me gently.
“I do,” I say, although my voice sounds shaky and unsure even to my own ears.
I glance down at him, his face practically between my thighs. His fingers travel higher and higher. My chest tightens with each creeping inch, and when his fingers skim the rim of my underwear, I flinch. I’m right there, teetering on the edge of wanting to be brave, normal… and buckling under the strain of years of engrained fear. If he touches me… Nothing good has ever come from anyone touching me there.
He pauses. “It’s me, avecita. No one else.”
I nod, listening to his voice but staring at the ceiling. It takes everything in me to remain here with him. “I know.”
“I want to show you something.” I glance down at him again. A wicked smirk dances over his lips and I narrow my eyes at him. “But I still need you to ask…”
“What?”
“I’ll never touch you unless you ask.”
“Rafael, I… I don’t—.”
He turns his face and kisses my thigh again. “You want something you’ve never had before because you feel something right now you’ve never felt.” His tongue traces a wet line up my thigh, and I tremble. “You want it. You’re just scared. Ask me, avecita.” His gaze meets mine again. “Trust me to know what you need.”
My heart thrums so fast it feels as though it’s going to rip out of my chest and take off. “Touch me.” As soon as the words slip from my mouth, I feel like I’m going to be sick. My fists clench tight, my nails cutting into my palms. He’s going to touch me, with his face that close. Watching, seeing everything. I want to run from him. I want to run to him. I want to fight this fear while allowing it to consume me. His finger brushes over me through my underwear and a sharp breath leaves me, every muscle in my body screaming with tension. My mind blinks, reaching for that untouchable place that has saved me for most of my life.
“Look at me, Anna,” he demands. I lift my head and look at him resting there, his face so close. Hot breaths blow over me, and I bite the inside of my cheek. I watch as he shoves my panties to the side and puts his mouth on me. His mouth! Embarrassment washes over me, and I try to back away from him, but his hands wrap around my thighs, holding me in place.
“Rafael.” His name comes out on a raspy moan as his mouth elicits sensations I’ve never felt before.
He
groans against me, his fingers digging into the flesh of my thighs. I fall back against the mat and wait for the fear and the anguish, followed by the void of nothingness. But it never comes. He doesn’t allow it. Rafael tears me apart with nothing more than a lash of his tongue. The world as I know it crumbles to dust before my eyes like a veil being ripped away. My body trembles and quakes as tears track down my temples. Long buried roots are torn from the ground, and I suddenly find myself free, weightlessly floating away. As if he knows exactly what I need, his hands slip from my thighs, and he winds his fingers through mine, holding me together as he shatters everything I thought I knew.
“Rafe.” I choke out his name, a plea in some form, but I don’t know whether I’m begging him to stop or keep going. Something is building deep inside me like a tsunami heading straight for dry land: unstoppable and forceful. My pulse hammers against my eardrums and my lungs scream for air as my vision dots. In a single breath, everything implodes, and everything I once was explodes outwards in a kaleidoscope of beautiful color. Wave after wave of pleasure washes over my body, lulling me with each passing second. And then it all stops. I close my eyes, needing the temporary reprieve of my own head. The pounding of my pulse quiets until I can hear my own rasping breaths. My body quakes as I try desperately to locate all the fractured little pieces of my mind. It was simple. Everything was simple. Good and bad. Lines drawn very clearly in the sand. And now…
“Anna.” Rafael’s fingers trail gently over my cheek, and I’m hyper-aware of him. The sound of his steady breaths—the heat radiating from his body. “Look at me,” he whispers.
I bite my bottom lip. “I can’t.”
He huffs a small laugh, his lips brushing over the corner of my mouth. “Look at me.” On a deep breath, I open my eyes. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me. “Stop,” he orders.
“Stop what?”
“You look like you just did something awful.” I can’t help this sick feeling niggling at my gut.
“I don’t know what I did. What we did…”
He cocks a brow. “It’s called an orgasm, avecita.” He flashes me a cocky grin and winks before pushing to his feet. He offers me his hand, and I take it, allowing him to pull me up. He tilts his head to the side, watching me in that predatory way of his. He grabs my face, tilting my head back. “Why are you ashamed? You taste amazing.” I blush even harder, and he laughs, kissing my forehead. “You’re so fucking innocent, but I’m going to corrupt you, avecita. Piece by piece. And you’ll like it.”
I did like it, every bit as much as I hated it. Two sides of the same coin. Anything sexual will always be accompanied by shame. Why would he want to do that? Why would he put his mouth on me? I’m tainted and dirty. It always comes back to why would he want me? Why would he say he loves me? Trust him.
“I…” I grab my yoga pants and yank them on. “I need to go.” I rush towards the door with Rafael calling my name behind me, but I don’t stop. I need air. I need space. I need a minute to try and balance who I am and who I was because right now, the two are fighting for space in my head. I’m a messy concoction of them both like pieces of thread so impossibly knotted together that you’ll never truly be able to pull them apart. But I want to. God, I want to.
11
Anna
I retreat to the bedroom and take a hot shower, attempting to wash away my shame and cleanse my mind. The very air around me feels heavy and oppressive, and my mind is like quicksand, trying to hold me down and pull me under, but I fight it.
As I close my eyes, I picture the smile on Rafael’s face, the pride in his eyes. I try to hold onto that, but it’s so hard. I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me before going to the closet.
“Anna.” I turn around and find Rafael, one hand braced against the doorframe. I eye him, my stomach knotting under his stare. “Your sister wants to speak to you.” He holds the phone up, and I stare at it for a second, my heart rate skipping pointedly. He covers the microphone, frowning. “You don’t have to speak to her yet if you don’t want to.”
“She’s my sister,” I whisper.
“I don’t give a fuck who she is. If you don’t want to speak to her, you don’t speak to her.”
I take a cleansing breath and hold my hand out for the phone. His eyes lock with mine as he places it in my hand. I imagined so many times what it would be like if I ever found her, but now that it’s happening I find myself recoiling, afraid of disappointment. We’re not children anymore. She’s no longer the protective older sister I once knew, and I’m not the innocent little girl she tried so hard to preserve. I place the phone to my ear, my heart beating erratically.
“Hello.”
There’s a pause. “Hey,” she says, her accent more American than Russian, but with just a hint of our homeland lingering beneath.
I don’t know what to say to her. Rafael turns to leave, but I step forward and grab his hand, halting him. I don’t know why. I just…need him. I have no idea what to say to Una, and I glance at him as if he can help me, but this is the one thing he can’t help me with. I have to do this on my own. His fingers thread through mine, his thumb skating small circles over the back of my hand.
“Thank you for helping me,” I say. We’re strangers, but Una risked everything to try and save me.
“I…you’re my sister,” she takes a breath. “I looked for you.”
“I know. Rafael told me.”
Another long pause. “I will get you out of Mexico. I will. It’s just not safe right now.” What? No.
“I’m safe with Rafael.” I’m grateful to her, I am, but she’s still a faceless dream. Rafe is real.
“Okay. Well, I love you,” she whispers. “And Anna, be careful. This world is full of enemies.”
I hang up because I don’t know what else to say to her. Handing the phone back to Rafael, I meet his gaze. “She called you?”
“Nero did.”
“She’s with him?”
He scrubs his hand over his face. “I think they’re together.”
“Together?”
“She’s his.” My eyes go wide. “She wants to be his.” He clarifies.
“Why would she want to stay with a man who blackmailed her?”
He moves closer, his eyes locking with mine. “Why would you want to stay with a man who kept you captive?”
“That’s not the same.”
“Isn’t it? Just know that no one could make Una do something she doesn’t want to do.”
“I don’t like him,” I say.
Rafael tosses his head back on a laugh. “Yeah, he can be a prick.”
“He bought me.” I fold my arms over my chest. “He’s more than a prick.”
Rafe grins. “He did buy you to give to Una.” I glare at him. “Sometimes it’s easier to buy something than take it by force. Dominges isn’t the easiest to deal with.”
“Are you defending Nero Verdi right now?”
He pulls his shirt off and reaches for a new one hanging on the rack. “Definitely not.” He shrugs the material over his shoulders, fastening the little buttons, though his large hands make the task look like an ordeal. I step forward and swat his hands out of the way, doing them one by one. I can feel his eyes on me, but I don’t look up. “Anna.”
“Yeah?” I still don’t look at him.
“Are you okay?” Such a loaded question with no straight answer. Instead of divulging the mess that is my head, I paint a smile on my lips.
“I’m fine.”
He places one finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him the same way he always does. There’s no escaping Rafael—he won’t allow it. He forces me to face everything head on, just like he does.
“Don’t lie to me.”
I inhale a steadying breath. “I’m trying. Promise me that you won’t force me to go with my sister.”
He studies my face for a second, his jaw ticking beneath the dark stubble. “What makes you think I would let that happen?”
His thumb drags over the corner of my lip. “You’re mine, little warrior. Una can’t change that.” I offer him a shaky nod, and he presses a kiss to my forehead. “I’m going to handle this business in Juarez. I’m leaving Lucas and two of my other guys as a personal guard. The rest of my men will be on the perimeter and the house.”
I roll my eyes. “I do not need three personal guards, Rafe.”
He smirks and steps back, shoving his jeans down his legs. “I want you to have three.” He takes a pair of dress pants and tugs them on.
“It’s unnecessary. They’ll be bored. They’ll hate me.”
All trace of humor washes from his face, one eyebrow arching high. “They’ll do whatever the fuck I tell them to do.” He slides a hand around the back of my neck. “They should think themselves honored that I would trust them to protect you when I can’t.”
I roll my eyes. “Oh my god. You’re ridiculous.”
He tugs me closer and presses his lips into my hair. “Only for you.” I press my face into the crook of his throat, inhaling the cigar smoke and citrus scent that seems to permanently cling to his skin. “I have to go, avecita.”
I don’t know why, but my stomach tightens at the idea of him leaving. It’s stupid. I don’t need to be with him at all times, but for some reason, a feeling has settled into my gut, like something bad is going to happen. I can’t explain it. It’s probably from before—when he left, and those guys broke in. It’s not like he hasn’t gone to handle business plenty of other times. Just not since we’ve been at this house.
“Okay. I’ll see you later.” I step out of his embrace, and he turns away, leaving the closet. I tug the towel tighter around my body, forcing away that feeling of impending doom. It’s in my head. I’ve become too dependent on him. I was once so strong and unbreakable, and now… he’s made me so fragile. The life I’ve lived, it makes you untouchable, but Rafael could destroy me because I’ve placed my trust in him. No other man can say the same. He holds my heart in his hands like a miniscule ember that he continues to nurture, shielding it from the wind until it becomes a tiny flame. But all he has to do is close his fist, and it’ll be snuffed out so easily.