The Perfect Emotion (Book Two of The Perfect Series)

by Rolka, Melissa

  “What are you doing here? I thought you were leaving,” She asks with a smile plastered on her face. Reed’s eyes shift over to me while Reese paws at his arm.

  “Something more important came up.” His tone is dry even all the way from over here. Reese looks hopeful and seductive all at once, but then her eyes follow his gaze.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” she spits out.

  “Nope, I’m not.”

  I look down and try to refocus on my shot that I still need to make. Reese gives me the look of death and makes her way back to her friends. I see them in a huddle whispering and looking at me, but I ignore them. Luckily no one else besides Andy really notices that I’ve held up the game. Of course, I miss the shot. The game continues, but Maggie and I lose.

  The four guys gear up to play. The way Andy and Reed glare at each other I feel like I’m a prize to be won at the end of their game. Andy gets in position to break and Reed makes his way over to where I am leaned against a wall with Maggie and Quinn. He leans into me and moves his head to my ear. My chest rises and falls more rapidly by the second.

  “Katherine.” He pauses and pulls back just enough to see my face. My face feels like its on fire. He grins and then moves back to my ear. “You know there is no chance I will lose to him, right?”

  And he’s right; he doesn’t lose. It’s not even a close call.

  After the game is over Andy walks over towards me and just says that he hopes I have a good spring break. I stay put against the wall not really sure what I do now. I can tell Reed thinks he’s won more than this game. For a moment, I snicker to myself because it was never even a possibility in my mind that there was a chance for Andy. While I may have difficulty facing Reed and despise the way I used him last semester… my heart is filled with him. The way Reed treated me, helped me and took care of me is not something I will ever be able to remove from my mind or heart. Aside from that, the way he touched me still gives me chills when I remember how intimate we were.

  I’m standing against the wall alone now. Andy and his friend have walked away. Maggie is off in the corner making out with Brandon (saw that coming a mile away). Quinn and Matt have headed to the bar to get more drinks. I feel trapped with nowhere to go and I’m not sure I want to go. Reed is staring at me like I’m his prey. His hands are pressed into his pocket and his strides towards me are long and smooth. Nervously, I bite down on the bottom corner of my lip and stare down into my hands that are folded in front of me.

  When he reaches me he stands next to me and leans against the wall. We stand there in silence. I pull my head up and look out around the heavily crowded bar. I see Kelly and Derek heading out and Jenna sitting at the bar talking to a guy. I shift my stance to switch more of my weight onto my other leg. When I wore these shoes I wasn’t planning on standing as much as I have been.

  I’m sure Reed is waiting and hoping that I will open up and talk to him, but I don’t think I can do it. If we talk I know I’ll have to address and admit to him what happened last semester. Even though deep down I know he deserves that I don’t know if I can get myself there again.

  “I’m going to go,” I finally say.

  “Can we talk?” He hasn’t lost his confident tone even as he asks me this.

  “I don’t think I can,” I say as I push myself from the wall.

  “Okay, then I’ll walk you out and back to your dorm.”

  CHAPTER 7

  After I say goodbye to everyone, including Maggie and Brandon who can’t keep their hands and tongues off each other, we head out of the bar. Quinn and Matt are seated at the bar with smirks of satisfaction on their faces as we walk out.

  The air is cool, but I no longer need to wear my big puffy coat. However, I usually always bring my favorite gloves with me still. I didn’t tonight because they wouldn’t fit in my pockets of my gray pea coat. The night air is still and it’s a nice change from the wind that usually whips around on campus. Still, I shove my hands in my pockets, if nothing for to have somewhere to put them. Reed does the same. We walk in silence, but every so often he glances my way. I don’t dare look at him. Desperately, I try to silence the thoughts in my head. It’s almost impossible though. Thoughts of that first time he walked with me back to my dorm room and then what happened when we got inside flood my mind…

  I remember exactly how it felt when his left hand moved slowly up my left arm to where his right was holding my wrists and he switched his hold. His right hand moved down the length of my right arm to my hip. He began to pull up the hem on my short sundress and moved his hand under and over my right hip. God, I remember the relief I felt that I did not wear my traditional comfortable cotton bikini style underwear and instead wore my silky boy shorts with the lace trim.

  I press my eyes closed tightly for a moment to stop myself from thinking about that night. That night changed everything. It brought us out of just friendship and flirting. It brought us into something more; the feelings we felt became more complex. I quickly shift my eyes over to Reed and he turns his head to face me, but I won’t allow myself to keep focus on him. I bury my head into the neck of my coat and try to keep my eyes down. We are getting closer to my dorm room and my mind betrays me again…

  I almost laugh when I think about how my nerves were so twisted because in my mind steps were being skipped. He had yet to touch a breast and I remember thinking I probably wouldn’t allow it considering we were not even on a date. Yet there his hand rested under my dress over my underwear and on my hip. The way his breathing escalated just made me greedier. I knew he was turned on as well because I could feel his hardness against my backside.

  Then in barely a whisper I said all breathy, “Reed… I, I”

  He cut me off with his husky voice as he said, “I know I shouldn’t be here like this, but I can’t help myself. God, you shouldn’t be allowing me to get so close to you Kate.”

  “Why?” Then Before I allowed him to answer I made a decision. “I don’t care, I want this Reed.” The low sound that he made from the bottom of his throat had me squirming for contact.

  I suck in a deep breath. Now, I know exactly why he was apprehensive. I blink my eyes because tears have started to brim in my eyes. It hurts me to think about how selfish and greedy I became in that instant. I remember consciously making that decision to have him touch me more because I knew I could feel good and it would distract me further from the bigger issues I needed to deal with. God and did he do exactly that…

  His hand then moved to my backside and slowly slipped under my underwear. His voice became stern and he said, “Katherine, spread your legs a little.” It sounded sexy as hell with the slightest command in his tone.

  For some reason I found myself anxious or maybe it was excitement. Easily, I did as I was told. His long fingers began to move to the front of me still under my underwear. He gently and unhurriedly descended down to my core. Once he realized that I was wet with excitement a low growl sound and a curse released from him. Part of me felt that I should be embarrassed, but I wasn’t. I didn’t care about anything, but getting lost and relieved from Kyle, and even my mom. His fingers were soft and tender as they stroked hitting nerves I never knew existed. I felt a hot flush building throughout my body and he moved his thumb up in a circular motion around the most sensitive area on body. He kissed my neck and shoulder gingerly. His tongue flicked lightly up my neck to a spot behind my ear. It didn’t take long until I was practically begging for the release my body had worked up towards. With another light stroke and flick of his tongue all of my tension was released into waves of pleasure. Then my body went limp.

  We are just about to get to the walkway of my dorm and I swallow with little shame for remembering that night last semester. An ache builds up in me and lands right in my heart. The lump I feel in my throat is getting harder and harder to swallow past. I don’t know how to end this night. I’m nervous about saying goodbye and even more nervous if I don’t say it. My mind drifts to the words from my the
rapist. He has encouraged me to only talk to Reed if I’m ready to face everything, which would mean telling him exactly how I used him. My therapist feels that if I don’t address this with Reed head on I will fall back into my old habits of pushing any difficulties I have to the back of my mind. He fears that I’ll find any way to distract myself from dealing with the issues that need to be dealt with.

  We both step off to the side as we reach the outside lit up entrance to my building. I keep my hands in my pockets and my head down. A part of me would love to wrap myself around him and press my head into his chest. The thought of him wrapping me in his arms and kissing the top of my head is so tempting.

  “You look beautiful.” He says as he bends his head to try to look at my eyes.

  I don’t respond, but I look up at him. His eyes are deep blue with the moon shining behind him. He runs his hands through his hair and steps a little closer.

  “What were you thinking about?” He asks me and I’m grateful that my cheeks are probably already red from the cool air. I blink and turn my head to the side.

  “Nothing.”

  “I know that’s not true.” He pauses. “I was remembering last semester when I came back here.” His boldness shocks me for a moment, but then I look at him and he winks. We stand quietly for a moment before he continues. “Please Kate, talk to me.”

  “I can’t. I’m sorry,” I say at barely a whisper.

  “Why?” I start to turn to head to the doors, but he moves in front of me. “Why? Just tell me that at least.” His tone is soft and gentle. My heart and pulse are racing and I don’t know if I can take this pressure anymore.

  “Because I just can’t. Don’t you get it?” My tone is more curt than I’d like it to be. I’m almost frantic to avoid this conversation.

  “No, I don’t get it. Tell me. Tell me anything. Tell me something.” His voice and tone are still calm, but I’m getting more worked up.

  “I used you! There that’s why.” I turn my back on him and press my eyes closed together. Here’s the moment when I tell him everything. I don’t know that this is the exact moment my therapist had in mind, but he encouraged me to tell him exactly what happened in order to move forward. He told me that I should not even start talking to Reed until I was ready to be open and honest with him. I have to get this out first. “I took advantage of you. I was desperate to feel good, to avoid dealing with the bigger issues in my life and to just escape. I was selfish and greedy. I didn’t even care either because I just wanted the relief so badly.” I’m practically yelling now. He needs to know and the thought that he’ll just walk away now that he knows is painful, but well deserved. “Don’t you get it, what I did to you, I used you Reed. I was selfish and greedy. I needed to get lost in something good, away from Kyle, my mom and I used what you had to offer. I took advantage of you in the worst way possible.” The words leave my mouth faster than I ever thought was possible. I’ve lost all tactfulness and as I pause here now I feel the burden being lifted from my chest. I press my eyes closed tightly again and the tears slip past my eyelashes down my cold cheeks.

  “You don’t think I know that, fuck, Kate. I know that. I’ve done it myself before. Never again, though. And this is different and you know it. I told you though I’d take what I could get of you. I just wanted to be with you. I think I’d have done anything to be closer to you.” I’m still turned from him and I can feel him getting a little closer by the echo of his voice.

  “And now?” Daringly I ask, but I’m afraid of the answer.

  “Yes and now.” I hear Reed’s footsteps behind me getting closer. Then he wraps his arms around my abdomen from behind and presses his face in the crook of my neck. His breathing is hot on me and the way his lips move up brushing my ear causes me to arch my back.

  “You don’t understand tho-.” He cuts me off gently.

  “I do understand. Trust me, I more than most get what it’s like to want to use someone to escape something else. I’ve done it before, numerous times.” I remember the fact that he has way more experience than me and it hurts for a brief second. “But never with you. Never.”

  “You were there for me and then I just took advantage of you. I’ve never done that before and I still feel horrible. I just, I just… I can’t do this.” I’m trying to hide the quiver and trembling burning up my throat and the tears that keep leaking down my face.

  “I’ve been waiting for you,” he whispers.

  “I never asked you to,” I say with little conviction.

  “And yet, here I am.” I slowly turn myself into him and bury my face in his chest. Even through his coat I can smell that familiar pine and masculine scent.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I sob uncontrollably for a moment. “I was so hurt and twisted, but it’s no excuse for taking advantage of you like that. That’s not even the worst part… the worst is I cared about you. I still care about you.” His arms are wrapped around me tightly and then he kisses the top of my head. That one gesture has me leaning in more and my body goes weak craving more from him. I pull myself back though instead because I don’t want him to think that I would do that to him again. I know I have a long way to go in my therapy, but I’ve come so far already. Being able to say the things that are in my head out loud to him is a huge step in the right direction. My therapist is right too because I already feel lighter. I’m not even sure what this means for us, but if there is any more to this then I know I still have more to tell him.

  “Hey, hey, it’s ok, beautiful. Don’t you think for one minute I did anything that I didn’t want to do. Katherine, I told you I just wanted to be closer to you, any part of you. That I’d take whatever I could get. I knew what that meant. I had never felt this way before… I still haven’t.”

  “I owed you more than that though.” I tell him this because it’s true and it’s all I’ve thought of the last three months.

  CHAPTER 8

  We stand there for what feels like an eternity holding each other. The lump I had in my throat has gone down, but the tears still flow freely. Reed kisses the top of my head again and again and oh how I wish it were my lips. My arms are locked around him with my freezing hands on his back, but I can’t let go. Letting go of my grip would mean facing him and facing him means next steps. Next steps that I’m still not sure I want to take. Questions float through my mind… does Reed want me being at the forefront. Hearing him say he waited for me seems like a dream. Slowly, Reed starts to loosen our bond. His hands reach up around my neck and onto my cheeks forcing me to look at him. His eyes scan my face and his thumbs rub away the streaks of tears. My face is hot from being buried in his chest and his hands are ice cold on my skin, like fire and ice. I’m forced to look into his eyes, the same eyes that have held me captive every night for the last several months. The blue is deep and glassy. It’s a mixture of happiness and sadness all rolled into one. I can’t tell if he had tears in them from our reunion or if the cold has caused them to tear.

  “Have you had anything to drink?” He asks and this is not what I thought he’d have to say after our long embrace.

  “No, just water.” The confusion is evident in my tone.

  “Good.” His hands run through my hair pulling my head back slightly giving him the perfect angle to kiss me. And that’s exactly what he does. It’s forceful when his lips crash against mine at first and he pushes me up against the outside brick wall of the dorm building. The lighting is darker because it’s off to the side. His hands are tangled in my hair, but before we hit the wall he takes one hand out to lighten the force. I move my hands up into his hair running my fingers through his long strands roughly. Our tongues have yet to touch, but our lips are moving fast. He gently bites down on my bottom lip pulling at it a little. And then just as quick as he crashed into me he slows his pace down. This is what I remember most… kisses being slow and tender. His tongue licks in between my lips and gently coaxes my tongue. I moan when our tongues collide and pull his head towards me afraid he
might back away. The way his tongue rolls around mine and explores every area of my mouth creates a familiar rush of nerves to run through me. I squeeze my thighs together to try to stimulate the pleasure in my core, but Reed moves his leg in between me pushing me harder against the wall. I gasp in between our lips and he mumbles out a “Thank God.” His tongue starts to pull out, but his lips stay attached to me. He kisses me several times on the lips and then moves to my jaw flicking his tongue up to my ear. He licks and sucks at the place between my ear and jaw that drives me crazy with lust. I arch myself back and give him better access.

  “I’ve missed you so much, beautiful girl,” he whispers in my ear in between the licking, sucking and kissing. When he flicks his tongue at my ear lobe I squirm from the sensation. Months of remembering and longing for this make the reality more real and intense. My body softens and curves to his easily, as if the distance never came between us

  “I’ve missed you too.” The words leave my lips without filter and even though I sound breathy and needy I know Reed hears the care, concern and affection laced in there.

  “Please baby, please just…” He pulls back and moves his hands to the side of my head to look in my eyes again. “Just don’t push me out again. Let us figure this out. Please. I want you, Kate.” My lips are parted, my eyes are wide and my breathing is erratic. I hear his plead, but I’m afraid to agree… afraid it will be too much for him to deal with all of my problems. I just continue to stare in his eyes when he continues. “I want to be there for you, be there with you. These last few months have been hell for me. You are all I have thought of and wanted.”

  “I’m so afraid,” I say and then bite my bottom corner of my lip. His thumb moves over to where I am biting and he pulls it loose from my bite.