Never Eat Alone

by Keith Ferrazzi

  We also gave the partners a list of ideas of how to actually catch up with their targets and what to say when they met them. At the end of each day, the partners would report whom they met, where, and how the encounter went. If someone had a difficult time meeting their target person, we strategized for the next day, making sure that the partner and the individual they were assigned to would sit at the same dinner table the following evening, or I'd make a point of making the introduction myself, or we'd ask Mike to make an intro in a few cases.

  What I had unknowingly created was a unit of conference commandos, prepared in advance with information on who they were to meet, how (we had done research), and where. The results were astounding. The conference was packed. As a result, Deloitte saw an unprecedented amount of business come its way. We have since perfected this art at FerrazziGreenlight, and not only do we advise companies on how to get the most out of their conferences, but also big conference-givers like Forbes and PeopleSoft come to us to help them design conferences that will have world-class outcomes for both these companies and their conference attendees.

  The key is to work hard to make the conference a success for everyone. At the Hammer conference, all attendees, almost across the board, were shocked by how much business they got done. The right environment was set for networking success.

  Of course, Michael Hammer was brilliant, as always, and there was much for all of us to learn from him on content. But everyone's success came from organizing a conference around its real function: an intimate gathering of like-minded professionals in an atmosphere that facilitates profitable relationships.

  Listen. Better Yet, Speak

  Are you someone who thinks becoming a speaker is a big deal? That's true for a lot of people. I'm here to tell you it's not as tough as you might think, but it is also perhaps more important than you can imagine

  Nothing frightens the daylights out of some people like the thought of spending fifteen minutes talking about what they do in front of an audience, even if the audience is made up of generally receptive folks (like family and friends!).

  Calm yourself. First, you should know that giving speeches is one of the easiest and most effective ways to get yourself, your business, and your ideas seen, heard of, and remembered, and you don't need to be Tony Robbins to find yourself a forum of people willing to hear you out.

  How many people find themselves in front of an audience on any given day? The numbers are shocking. There are thousands of forums and events going on—for every imaginable reason—each and every day. All these forums need a warm body to say something the slightest bit inspiring or insightful to their guests. Most speakers, unfortunately, deliver neither.

  If you think the people delivering this insight are only those at the top of their respective fields, you're mistaken. So how do you get experience?

  Toastmasters International, for instance, provides a forum for the development of speaking skills. With more than 8,000 clubs meeting weekly in groups of up to thirty or forty people, there are a whole lot of speeches, and speakers, being made. On a larger scale, the national speaker circuit is huge. The American Society of Association Executives (ASAE) says the meetings industry is a nearly $83 billion market, with over $56 billion being spent annually on conventions and seminars alone. That ranks conferences— get this!—as the twenty-third-largest contributor to the Gross National Product. The point here is that the opportunity to speak exists everywhere, paid or unpaid. It's fun, it can be profitable, and there's no better way to get yourself known—and get to know others—at an event. Study after study shows that the more speeches one gives, the higher one's income bracket tends to be.

  As a speaker at a conference, you have a special status, making meeting people much easier. Attendees expect you to reach out and greet them. They, in turn, give you respect that they don't accord their fellow attendees. Instant credibility and faux-fame is bestowed upon you when you're on a stage (and pretty much any stage, at that).

  How do you become a speaker at a conference? First, you need something to say: You need content (which I'll discuss in another chapter). You need to develop a spiel about the niche you occupy. In fact, you can develop a number of different spiels, catering to a number of different audiences (again, I'll get to that later).

  If you take the first step and get to know the organizer, landing a speaking gig isn't that tough. In the beginning, it's best to start small. Let me give you an example. A friend of mine left his big firm years ago to start his own consulting business. He needed to establish himself as an expert in the field of branding, and while he was terrified of public speaking, he knew it would be the best way to interact with potential customers and hone his message. He started small, getting to know all the organizers of small, local, industry-specific events. He would ask these people, in return for his help, to give him a room during an off-hour at the end of the event, so he could speak to a small gathering of people that he would organize.

  Initially, he wasn't even listed on the conference agenda. He'd meet people throughout the conference and tell them that he was organizing an intimate gathering of professionals interested in talking about their branding issues. The informal atmosphere allowed him to deliver his content without the pressure of a big audience, while at the same time getting valuable feedback from the people that attended. In short order, the rooms he spoke at started getting bigger, his speeches became more refined, and the audience went from intimate to intimidating—though, by then, he had worked through most of his fears.

  What if you are at a conference and you're not a speaker? There are other places to distinguish yourself. Remember, you're not there just to learn new things from other people—you're there to meet others and have others meet and remember you.

  When sessions open up for questions, try and be among the first people to put your hand in the air. A really well-formed and insightful question is a mini-opportunity to get seen by the entire audience. Be sure to introduce yourself, tell people what company you work for, what you do, and then ask a question that leaves the audience buzzing. Ideally, the question should be related to your expertise so you have something to say when someone comes up and says, "That was an interesting question."

  Guerrilla Warfare:

  Organize a Conference Within a Conference

  True commandos aren't restricted by the agenda that they receive at registration. Who says you can't arrange your own dinner while at the conference, or put together an informal discussion on a particular topic that matters to you?

  The dinners at your average event are often a total mess. People's attention is scattershot; everyone is trying to rise above the noise and be polite and engaged with ten different strangers, listen to a keynote address, and get a few mouthfuls of mediocre food all at the same time. It doesn't make for a good setting for conversation.

  At times like these, I've been tempted to go back to my room, order room service, and spend the rest of the night in front of my laptop. That, however, would be a terrible lost opportunity.

  The alternative is to commandeer the useless hour or two by throwing a dinner of your own.

  I like to do this at least once during most conferences. Before the event, I'll scout out a nice nearby restaurant and send out preinvites to a private dinner that I'll host alongside the scheduled affair. You can do this ad hoc during the day or you can send out official invites beforehand. One way I've had big success is sending a fax to the hotel (most conferences have one host hotel where most VIPs will be staying) that the individuals get when they arrive the night before the conference asking them to join a group for dinner or drinks that night. Think about it: no secretaries to screen the message. Likely those people have no plans when they arrive, and even if they do, you will already stand out when you ultimately meet them during the conference, and I assure you they will be grateful for your having thought of them. If the keynote address is being given by someone particularly interesting, I'll turn my own affair into preor post-di
nner drinks.

  Often, creating your own forum is the best way to assure that people you're looking to meet will be in the same place at the same time. Ideally, you'd like to invite a stable of speakers to your dinner, which will provide a star-studded draw to your little event. Remember, even an unknown becomes a mini-star after their talk at an event.

  I do this each year at Renaissance Weekend, an annual New Year's weekend gathering for politicians, businesspeople, and other professionals. I send out a funny invite asking a few people if they'd like to play hooky from an official dinner and go to a nice restaurant elsewhere. At Renaissance Weekend, they even have a night designed for going off on your own to do just this. This works best at long three-day conferences. As with college, everyone likes to get off campus. If the conference is in your hometown, be bold enough to invite people to your home for a real treat, as I have always done with the Los Angeles-based Milken Global Conference. This conference is one of the best in the United States for both content and guests. Each year I hold a dinner party at my house the day before the event is set to begin. People generally arrive in town a day early anyway, and a fun, intimate dinner party is always preferable to eating hotel food alone.

  Dinner is not the only way to organize a conference within a conference. Long conferences are often filled with social outings—golf, tours, and visits to historic sites. Too often, such events are just plain terrible. Have you ever gone to a museum in a crowd of 400 people? You feel like a herded cow.

  There's no reason why you can't take the lead in developing your own personal tour or visit to an out-of-the-way place that convention organizers might not have thought about. An old colleague from Starwood used to do this at winter conferences. An avid skier, he'd research the best skiing in the area—usually some out-of-the-way slopes that no one had taken the time to discover. He'd have no problem attracting a few other skiers who were jazzed about the prospect of some fresh powder.

  The more active you become in playing "host" of your own conference within a conference, the better you'll be at helping other people make connections, making you a center of influence. When you meet people at your dinner party or event, don't simply introduce yourself; introduce the folks you meet to other people. If your new acquaintances don't quickly take up the conversation, offer a fact about one guest to another. "Sergio was in charge of Coke's global branding efforts in their heyday. Aren't you looking to refurbish your company's brand, David? You couldn't find a better sounding board than Sergio."

  Draft Off a Big Kahuna

  If you get to know the most popular man or woman at the conference—the one who knows everyone—you'll be able to hang with them as they circle through the most important people at the conference. Conference organizers, speakers, and namebrand CEOs and professionals attending the event are all worthy kahunas.

  Check the convention program for the names of luminaries and key figures. Make those the sessions you attend. Arrive early at events where they'll be speaking. Stand near key entrances or registration tables. Be ready to introduce yourself, or stay behind for a quick chance to meet them.

  You must remember to talk with speakers before they've hit the stage. Often, that anonymous schlub slurping yogurt at the breakfast table will take on the aura of a celebrity after he's spoken on stage. Find them before they've gained celebrity status, and you have a better chance to connect. Or ask the conference organizer (who has become your buddy anyway) to point them out if you don't know what they look like.

  Be an Information Hub

  Once you've created an opportunity to meet new people, establish yourself as an "information hub"—a key role of any good networker. How? Go beyond just memorizing the conference's brochure. Identify information the people around you would like to know, and come prepared. This might include information about trade gossip, the best local restaurants, private parties, etc. Pass key information along, or let others know how they can obtain it. This role does not end with the networking event, of course. As an information resource, you're someone always worth knowing.

  Master the Deep Bump

  The bump is the main weapon in your conference commando arsenal. Reduced to its essence, it is the two minutes you're given with someone you're "bumping into" whom you are looking to meet. Your goal should be to leave the encounter with an invitation to reconnect at a later time.

  The bump, like other practices, is nuanced. The perfect bump is one that feels both fast and meaningful at the same time. I call this ideal a "deep bump."

  Deep bumps are an effort to quickly make contact, establish enough of a connection to secure the next meeting, and move on. You've just paid a boatload of money to be at this conference (unless you're a speaker, when it's usually free!), and you want to meet as many people as you can in the time that you have. You're not looking to make a best friend. You are looking, however, to make enough of a connection to secure a follow-up.

  Creating a connection between any two people necessitates a certain level of intimacy. In two minutes, you need to look deeply into the other person's eyes and heart, listen intently, ask questions that go beyond just business, and reveal a little about yourself in a way that introduces some vulnerability (yes, vulnerability; it's contagious!) into the interaction. All these things come together to create a genuine connection.

  Not possible, you exclaim. Ah, but I've seen it done and I do it. The deep bump is not just theoretical mumbo jumbo.

  There are some people who need just seconds, rather than minutes, to pull off a deep bump. Former President Bill Clinton, for instance, is the master. I've watched him up close as he works a line of well-wishers and fans (and sometimes, strident opponents). With each person, President Clinton will reach out to shake his or her hand. Most of the time, he'll use two hands or clasp a person's elbow to create instantaneous warmth. He'll make direct eye contact and, in that fleeting moment, ask a personal question or two. I don't know how many times I've heard different people from the same event comment about how incredible it was to be the sole focus of the man's attention. And that's even the Republicans.

  The profoundness of that connection doesn't come from the President's desire to impart his opinion or riff on policy. His goal is at once very simple and powerful. The President wants you to like him (so in his own now-famous words, he "feels" what you feel). When he shows in those brief moments that he likes and cares about you, the human response is to reciprocate. He is finely tuned in to the radio station that we each listen to, WIIFM, also known as What's In It for Me? I never once heard Clinton ask for a vote or talk about himself when engaged in these quick, casual encounters. His questions always revolved around what the other person was thinking, what was troubling them.

  Most people think a conference is a good time to market their wares. They rush from room to room desperately trying to sell themselves. But a commando knows that you have to get people to like you first. The sales come later—in the follow-up discussions you have after the conference. Now is the time to begin to build trust and a relationship.

  Know Your Targets

  You're ready to bump. Now you just need someone to bump against.

  At each conference, I keep a list of three or four people I'd most like to meet on a folded piece of paper in my jacket pocket. I check off each person as I meet them. Beside their name, I'll jot down what we talked about and make a note about how I'm going to contact them later. And, once you've met with and engaged someone, you find yourself chatting again and again throughout the conference.

  You can't, however, rely solely on chance to find them at cocktails or on a break. I usually ask the conference organizer to point to the area where they'll be and I watch where they sit. Most people continue to sit in the same seats throughout the conference.

  For example, Barry Diller, the CEO of InterActiveCorp., was someone I'd wanted to meet for years. He's a visionary in commerce and media, with an uncanny ability to foresee, before anyone else, where innovation will turn into profit. He
smells money.

  Researching one of my conferences, I noticed he was scheduled to speak. I found out when and where and got access to the area where he would have to get on and off the stage. I positioned myself in a place where it would be damn near impossible to get by without giving me a little nudge.

  As he walked by, I got his attention. "Mr. Diller, my name is Keith Ferrazzi. I work for Barry Sternleicht as his CMO at Starwood. He's mentioned before that you and I should talk and I thought I'd just make the introduction myself. I know you're busy, but I'm wondering if I can call your office and arrange a time to meet with you when we get back home?" [Pause—to which he responded, "Sure, call my New York office."] "Great, I wanted to talk to you about a number of ideas I have about your business, but I've also admired your career and pioneering work you've done for a long time." That was it. I played my heaviest and hardest card, which was my boss, a fellow visionary entrepreneur for whom Diller held respect. With a name as big as Diller, sometimes the bump can't be as deep as you'd like. Still, with limited time I managed to gain credibility by dropping a familiar and trusted name, show a bit of vulnerability in admitting I admired his career, and suggested I had value to offer with my ideas. That bump went on to realize a job offer and introductions within his company that are now important clients for FerrazziGreenlight.

  Your sound-bite introduction will change depending on the circumstances. Generally, it will be a twoor three-sentence opener, tailored to the event, about what you can or want to do for them.

  Breaks Are No Time to Take a Break

  Breaks are where the real work happens at a conference.