Galaxy Patrol

by Jean Ure

I kicked at her. Ensign Gork couldn’t help looking like an octopus. It was probably quite normal, in his world. He might even have been thought handsome. And what was her problem with octopuses anyway?

  The trouble with Rosie is that she never knows when to stop.

  ‘A joke is a joke,’ she grumbled, ‘but this is ridiculous!’

  Poor Ensign Gork had gone bright purple. I thought for a minute he was going to lose control of his cloak and turn back into an octopus. I felt quite embarrassed for him, so I hastily said that he hadn’t caused any distress at all. Not as far as I was concerned. Earnestly, I explained how I was quite used to seeing extraterrestrial beings.

  ‘We can’t all look alike. I mean, the galaxy would be a pretty dull place if we did!’ I gave this little laugh to show how much the idea amused me, all of us looking alike. ‘In any case,’ I said, ‘us lot that live on Earth probably look just as – ’

  I stopped. Just as what? Just as odd? Just as scary?

  ‘We don’t look like octopuses!’ shrilled Rosie.

  ‘No.’ The captain smiled, kindly. ‘You are mainly sacks of water.’

  Well, that put her in her place. Rosie’s mouth fell open and she popped her eyes; lost for words, for once in her life.

  ‘Please.’ The captain held out a hand. ‘Step this way. Let me take you somewhere more comfortable where we can talk.’

  ‘’bout time,’ muttered Rosie; but at least she kept it under her breath.

  We followed the captain into the turbo lift. Well, I followed the captain. Rosie hesitated.

  ‘What’s this?’ she said, all aggressive.

  I told her it was a turbo lift and she said, ‘Oh, yeah?’

  ‘It’s all right,’ I said. ‘It’s quite safe. They use them all the time in Star Trek.’

  Rosie gave me this withering look. ‘Know what?’ she said. ‘You’re not safe to be let out! You’d believe anything.’

  ‘No, Rosie, Jake is absolutely right.’ The captain spoke in soothing tones, putting his hand under her elbow to encourage her. ‘It’s perfectly safe. You have nothing to fear.’

  I think it shook her a bit, the captain knowing our names. I was a bit surprised, myself, but I tried not to show it. After all, creatures from other planets are not the same as us. They have abilities we don’t always understand. Of course, Rosie didn’t believe there were creatures from other planets. I could see that must be making things a bit difficult for her. She plainly couldn’t understand what was going on.

  ‘Rosie?’ The captain waved her forward. ‘Please don’t be scared. We mean you no harm.’

  She shook her head, like this is too much. But quite meekly she stepped into the lift beside me. She didn’t even say oh, yeah?

  ‘Right! Off we go.’

  The captain touched a panel of lights and I felt us moving, swift and silent, towards the top of the ship. Rosie jabbed a sudden finger in my ribs. I sprang round, indignantly.

  ‘What d’you do that for?’

  She mouthed at me, furiously. ‘What’s going on? What have you got us into?’

  Me? I hadn’t got us into anything! I mouthed back that I had no more idea than she did. ‘Why blame me?’

  Her lips moved, in angry silence. ‘You’re the one who keeps on about aliens!’

  So what? Did she think I’d been sending secret messages, or something? Please come and abduct us?

  The lips were still moving. ‘How’d he know our names? How’d he know where to find us?’ But the lift had come to a standstill and the doors were sliding open.

  ‘Jake? Rosie?’ The captain stood aside to let us out. ‘If you’ll come this way.’

  He led us into a circular space, a sort of star dome covered in green glass, through which shone an alien sky filled with alien planets which glinted gold and darted like fish through the darkness.

  The dome was empty, but at a touch from the captain a circlet of chairs rose from the floor, humping upwards like mushrooms.

  The captain gestured to us to take a seat, and obediently I lowered myself into one of the chairs. It felt soft and spongy, like sinking into a marshmallow. Comfortable, though. I couldn’t help thinking how my nan would like one. She’s always complaining about there being nowhere for her to rest her aching bones.

  Rosie stood watching. She said afterwards that she’d been waiting to make sure the thing didn’t suddenly turn vicious.

  ‘Could have swallowed you up, or smothered you!’

  I told her quite sharply to sit down. It wasn’t polite to remain standing when you were someone’s guest and they’d provided special seats for you. I wondered what seats, if any, the captain would provide for himself when he wasn’t cloaked in human form. Was he another octopus thing? Would he even need a seat?

  Rosie, still suspicious, perched herself on the extreme edge of one of the marshmallows. I saw the expression on her face change as she sank down into its softness. Reluctantly, she gave a little grunt of pleasure. I don’t think she wanted to; she just couldn’t help it.

  ‘Well, now,’ said the captain. ‘You must be wondering why you’ve been brought here. I expect you’re thinking it’s high time I explained…’

  Chapter Four

  Rosie opened her mouth. I just knew she was going to say something that would make me cringe. Unfortunately, my marshmallow wasn’t close enough for me to kick her, so I did the next best thing and jumped in before she could get started.

  ‘Please don’t feel you have to rush,’ I said. ‘We’re not in any hurry.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ screeched Rosie. ‘I need to get back and finish my homework!’

  ‘You’ve got the rest of the evening,’ I said. ‘Time’s going to be the same when we get back as it was when we left.’ The captain had already told us that. Didn’t she listen to a word anyone said? ‘We could be here for days, and Mum and Dad wouldn’t miss us! They wouldn’t even know we’d gone. Isn’t that right?’ I turned to the captain for confirmation. ‘Sir,’ I added.

  The look Rosie gave me, you’d have thought I was something that had been brought in on the bottom of a shoe. Her lip curled.

  ‘I’m not staying here for days! You can, if you want. I’m going home!’’

  ‘Dunno how you think you’re going to get there,’ I said. ‘Not without someone to transport you.’

  ‘You will both be going home,’ said the captain. ‘Have no fears about that.’

  I assured him I had no fears. ‘It’s just her,’ I said. ‘She always thinks I’m imagining things – spaceships. Aliens. I mean…’ I corrected myself, hastily, not wanting to give offence. Rosie had already been quite rude enough for both of us. ‘Different life forms. She thinks you’re just made up. Just stupid boy stuff.’

  Rosie glared at me.

  ‘It’s true,’ I said. ‘You do nothing but sit there and jeer!’

  ‘It’s perfectly understandable,’ said the captain. ‘Rosie is obviously one of those people who needs to see with her own eyes. So here you are!’ He waved a hand. ‘All the evidence you need … we really do exist!’

  Rosie frowned, like even now she wasn’t ready to give in and admit it was all happening. What would it take to convince her?

  The captain sank down into a marshmallow. ‘Let me start by telling you something about us. We’re a spaceship, as you call them … the Galactic Empire. We have a crew made up of nearly thirty different species. Most, including myself, come from planets that are quite unknown to people on Earth. We’d –’

  ‘’Scuse me,’ said Rosie. ‘Can I ask a question?’

  ‘By all means. Go ahead!’

  ‘If you’re all from different planets, how come you don’t all look different?’

  ‘Well, in our natural forms, of course, we do.’

  ‘So why hide it?’ said Rosie.

  Why couldn’t she just keep quiet? If only there were some way of moving my marshmallow to get me within kicking distance!

  ‘What I’m saying,’ sai
d Rosie, ‘is why not appear in your true colours? Seems a bit of a cheat, if you ask me.’

  Was there no way to silence her? She was lucky the captain was so patient.

  ‘Please don’t get the idea that anyone is seeking to deceive you,’ he said. ‘We simply wish to put you at your ease. It seems only polite to assume the same form as one’s visitors, at least to begin with. I noticed that you were quite alarmed when Ensign Gork failed to cloak himself.’

  ‘That’s ’cos he looked like an octopus!’

  ‘Pardon me,’ I said, ‘but if we were on his planet they’d probably think you looked like a blob.’

  ‘Yeah, and they’d think you looked like an elephant, with those great ears!’

  ‘I doubt it,’ said the captain. ‘On most of our planets the inhabitants are quite accustomed to seeing those from other worlds. It’s true that few have ever actually encountered an Earthling, but they would not find you in any way peculiar. They know that lives take many different shapes and forms.’

  Well! That put her in her place. For about two seconds.

  ‘Let us continue,’ said the captain. ‘The Galactic Empire is one of several spaceships on patrol throughout the galaxy. We are part of an organisation known as Planetary Investigation and Exploration – PIE, for short.’

  He indicated the initials on his shoulder flash … PIE. Rosie looked, and let out a snort.

  ‘Pie in the sky!’

  There was a pause, during which I seriously thought of getting up and clobbering her. The captain seemed puzzled.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘my translator…’ He tapped the button in the middle of his logo. ‘Appears not to have come across this expression. Does it have some significance?’

  Rosie gurgled, happily. ‘It’s what our dad says when he finds something just, like, totally un-be-lievable – pie in the sky!’

  ‘Interesting.’ The captain nodded gravely. ‘I must have it programmed in. Thank you for instructing me.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ said Rosie, with a little annoying smirk.

  This time I didn’t just want to clobber, I wanted to throttle. She wasn’t usually this bad. Mum sometimes accuses her of being a smart-mouth, and once she was told off for talking back to a teacher, but that’s because she just can’t seem to control herself. What I mean is, she doesn’t normally go out of her way to be insulting. But I couldn’t just sit back and let her carry on. She was giving Earth a bad name!

  I edged forward on my marshmallow. Earnestly, I addressed the captain. ‘If it’s not top secret, or anything, could we hear more about what you do? I happen to be extremely interested,’ I said, ‘in learning about space travel. I’ve done a lot of research on the subject.’

  ‘I am aware of that.’ The captain smiled. ‘It’s one of the reasons we chose you.’

  Chose me? So it wasn’t just random. I’d been chosen! I couldn’t help shooting a look of triumph at Rosie. Not that she took any notice; she never does. Instead, she had the nerve to turn to the captain and say, ‘Chosen us for what? Exactly?’

  I’d have laughed if she hadn’t been my sister, giving Earth a bad name. She really thought she’d been chosen? Who’d want her? Most likely she’d just been picked up by accident when I was beamed aboard. Some kind of transporter malfunction. These things happened.

  ‘We shall come to that in a moment,’ said the captain. ‘First, let me explain what brings us to this particular corner of the galaxy. We are here on a mission to hunt down members of an inter-planetary terrorist organisation, which goes under the name of SLADE – the Secret League of Alien Destroyers. You will no doubt find it difficult to believe, but aliens have been on your planet for decades.’

  I knew it, I knew it! I’d known it all along.

  ‘Many of them,’ continued the captain, ‘have actually taken up residence.’

  ‘What, on Earth?’ said Rosie, in her oh, yeah? voice.

  ‘Absolutely! It’s quite commonplace. They are scattered across all four quarters of your globe. There can be very few people who haven’t come into contact with one at some time or another – without, of course, realising. They keep themselves very carefully cloaked.’

  ‘Guess they would,’ said Rosie. ‘Octopuses walking down the road’d be a dead giveaway!’

  ‘Excuse me.’ I turned on her, irritably. ‘Some of us are trying to hold a serious conversation here.’

  ‘Oh, yeah?’

  ‘Yeah!’

  ‘So what’ll it be next? Lobsters playing football?’

  She hooted, happily, at her own turn of wit. I informed her, somewhat coldly, that it was no laughing matter.

  ‘Speak for yourself. I think it’s hilarious!’

  Rosie fell back into her marshmallow, clutching her stomach. I looked across at the captain, and shook my head.

  ‘I apologise for my sister,’ I said.

  A venomous hiss came from Rosie’s marshmallow. ‘Creep!’

  ‘I’ve always known there’s aliens,’ I said. The word had slipped out before I could stop it. I felt my cheeks turn pink, and hurried on. ‘I reckon we’ve got one in our school.’

  ‘Probably got a whole lot,’ said Rosie. ‘Most of the boys in Year 6, for a start.’

  ‘Let us see.’The captain tapped a finger to his wrist and a computer screen suddenly lit up the far wall. How had he done that? Must be some kind of gadget he was wearing. Some kind of remote control. ‘Blythe Bridge Middle School, Year 6.’

  My year. And there we all were, on the screen.

  ‘No! No aliens in Year 6,’ said the captain.

  ‘Try Year 7,’ I suggested. Year 7 was her year. What a laugh if my sister turned out to be one! But the captain said there were no aliens in Year 7, either.

  ‘What about the teachers?’ I said. ‘Mrs Openshaw … I bet she’s one!’

  A picture of the teachers appeared, with Mrs Openshaw standing grimly in their midst.

  ‘Mrs Openshaw is fully human,’ said the captain. ‘But that one … Miss Simkins. She’s an Argosian. Comes from Argos III.’

  Miss Simpkins?

  ‘But she’s nice!’ I said.

  ‘Yes, she’s a real sweetie. She’s been on Earth for a few years now. Arrived as a child, with her parents. She’s one of the ones who’ve settled in really well. A lot never make it. Most return to their own planets within the first year. A few stay on and turn to petty crime. One or two even end up in your prisons. The vast majority, however, are perfectly harmless, just trying to get on with their lives. They go about their daily business, without you ever noticing. They’re not the ones we’re after. The ones we’re after are the ones that SLADE manage to slip through the net. They can be real troublemakers. And that,’ said the captain, turning back to face us, ‘is where we need your help…’

  Chapter Five

  Wow! I sat up straighter on my marshmallow. This was serious stuff. The Planetary Investigation and Exploration service needed my help!

  ‘I am very much hoping,’ said the captain, ‘that our appeal will not fall on deaf ears.’

  No way!

  ‘I’ll do anything you want,’ I said.

  ‘Hang about, hang about!’ Rosie flapped a hand. ‘What exactly,’ she said to the captain, ‘did you have in mind? ’Cos if it’s rounding up octopuses, it’s not really my sort of thing. In any case, like I said, I have to be getting back. It’s all very well you keeping on about how time is at a standstill, but I’ve still got my homework to do. It’s OK for him.’ She jerked her head in my direction. ‘He’s only Year 6. He doesn’t have any. I’ve got a whole load!’

  Yes, and as far as I was concerned, they could send her straight back to get on with it. I couldn’t imagine what help they thought she was likely to be. She didn’t even believe in them!

  ‘Let me explain the situation,’ said the captain. ‘See if I can persuade you. It’s not so much a question of rounding up octopuses, as you put it. More a question of rooting out an alien bug.’


  Rosie jutted her chin. ‘What sort of bug?’

  ‘An extremely unpleasant sort. One of the most dangerous. It comes from a planet way out on the extreme edge of the galaxy. Not a great deal is known about it, but it’s recently come to our attention that SLADE have been recruiting there, and we think they may have managed to smuggle in quite a few of these exceptionally nasty creatures. So far we’ve located up to a hundred, spread across the globe. There may be more; we’re hoping not.’

  ‘So what exactly do they do?’ said Rosie.

  ‘They … take up residence,’ said the captain.

  ‘What, like woodworm, or something?’ Our dad had once discovered woodworm in an old piece of furniture. He’d shown us all the holes they’d made. Then he’d chopped up the furniture and made a bonfire of it. ‘Woodworm are deadly,’ said Rosie. She sounded quite proud of the fact. Who needed alien bugs when we had bugs of our own?

  ‘Believe me,’ said the captain, ‘woodworm do not even begin to compare. Woodworm only destroy property. These things go for people.’

  ‘Oo-er,’ said Rosie. She shivered, dramatically. ‘Save me!’

  She still wasn’t taking it seriously. I was! I knew from Star Trek that there were all kinds of vicious bugs out there, just waiting to get at us.

  ‘How big are they?’ I said. I once saw this movie where they had beetles the size of horses. That had been pretty scary.

  ‘They’re not actually very big at all,’ said the captain. ‘Quite small, in fact. The danger does not lie in their size – except, of course, it means they can move around without drawing attention to themselves. People simply don’t notice them until it’s too late. I suppose they could best be likened to one of your Earth insects … the centipede? Let me show you.’

  The captain tapped something into the gadget on his wrist and this creature appeared on the computer screen. It was long and brown and shiny, like a centipede with an outsize head, on either side of which were vicious-looking fangs. Its legs, wriggling and kicking, were covered in sharp spikes.

  ‘Not a pretty picture, I think you will agree.’ The captain tapped again, and we saw the same creature in close-up. It had big bulging eyes and two small horns sticking out the top of its head, and I saw that its fangs were dripping with what looked like yellow pus.