Galaxy Patrol

by Jean Ure

  I gazed at her, doubtfully. Could she be right?

  ‘The government wouldn’t abduct children,’ I said.

  ‘Governments’d do anything,’ said Rosie.

  ‘But what about Ensign Gork? How’d they get someone to look like an octopus?’

  ‘Easy! They do it all the time in movies.’

  ‘But what would be the point?’

  ‘Put you off the scent. Make you think there’s aliens.’

  ‘There are aliens. Except,’ I remembered, ‘it’s not polite to call them that.’

  ‘He did.’

  ‘If you mean the captain – ’

  ‘Captain!’ Rosie snorted. ‘Government agent, more like.’

  ‘If he was a government agent,’ I said, ‘he ought to know better. If he was the captain…’ Which he was. I knew he was! ‘Well, he’s allowed to say it, ’cos he is one.’

  ‘One what?’

  ‘Alien. Different life form! It’s like people with red hair can call themselves Carrots if they want, but not anyone else.’

  ‘Who says?’

  ‘It’s a known fact,’ I said. ‘It’s rude. Might hurt their feelings. Like you calling me Elephant Ears.’

  ‘You are Elephant Ears.’

  ‘Yeah, well, in that case you’re the Blob!’

  ‘Oh, shut up,’ snapped Rosie. ‘I’ve had enough interruption for one evening.’ She went back to her laptop, fiercely clacking and clattering and frowning at the screen. ‘Wonder if the newspapers’d be interested? Might pay us something – SCHOOLCHILDREN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!’

  ‘Thought you said it was government agents?’

  ‘Yeah, but that doesn’t sound so good,’ said Rosie. ‘Anyway, they probably wouldn’t be allowed to print it. Not if it’s the government. Might come and take us away.’

  ‘But we haven’t done anything,’ I said.

  ‘So what? Wouldn’t stop them liquidating us.’

  Liquidating … the word rolled round my brain. I had visions of me and Rosie being stuffed headfirst into giant food processors and coming out the other end as juice.

  ‘Like oranges,’ I said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Being liquidated.’

  ‘That’s liquidised! Liquidating means bumping off. Tied into sacks and dumped over the side of a boat, most like. Either that, or chucked off the top of a tower block … squish! Then you would be liquidised!’

  For some reason, she seemed to find this amusing. She has a very odd sense of humour.

  ‘I still reckon it was aliens,’ I said. I’d given up calling them dfferent life forms. It was too much trouble, and Rosie took no notice anyway. ‘Stands to reason we can’t be the only things in the universe.’

  ‘Yeah, way to go,’ said Rosie.

  Whatever that was supposed to mean. She doesn’t always make sense.

  It was at this moment that Mum came in. ‘Rosie, I’ve told you before,’ she said. ‘If you’re doing homework, you should be up in your room. How can you possibly concentrate with the television on?’

  ‘It’s not the television that bothers me,’ said Rosie, ‘it’s being abducted.’ She looked up boldly at Mum. ‘By government agents,’ she said.

  ‘Or aliens,’ I said.

  ‘Whatever.’ Rosie waved a hand. ‘We’ve only just got back.’

  ‘Right. Good try!’ said Mum. ‘But I wouldn’t make that excuse to your teachers, if I were you.’

  ‘No, ’cos they wouldn’t believe me,’ said Rosie.

  ‘Just get on with it,’ said Mum. ‘Either go upstairs, or you, Jake, turn that television off.’

  ‘OK.’ I zapped it with the remote. I couldn’t concentrate on Star Trek any more; not now I’d been in contact with the real thing. ‘Mum, d’you remember,’ I said, ‘when the Queen had to cancel her engagements?’

  ‘Vaguely,’ said Mum. ‘She had the flu.’

  ‘That’s what they said,’ said Rosie. ‘D’you want to hear the truth? Truth is, she was sitting in bed playing computer games.’

  ‘Well, good for her,’ said Mum. ‘Keeping up with modern technology.’

  ‘She was also eating chicken nuggets,’ said Rosie.

  I waited with interest to hear Mum’s response. Me and Rosie aren’t allowed to eat chicken nuggets. But if the Queen could eat them…

  ‘Don’t push your luck,’ said Mum. ‘And just get on with that homework. I want it finished by the time your dad gets in.’

  Mum left the room. Me and Rosie exchanged glances. Rosie gave me the thumbs up. Mum hadn’t believed a single word we’d said.

  Chapter Eight

  I stayed awake half the night, waiting for a message to come through from the captain. I wasn’t exactly expecting it, in the middle of the night, but I wanted to be ready when the call came. I hid the com badge under my pillow, where Mum’s prying eyes couldn’t see it. She has this nasty habit of bursting into my room in the morning, all bright and breezy, yanking back the curtains and tugging at the duvet and shrieking at me to get up, get up! I didn’t want her zeroing in and asking awkward questions.

  ‘What’s this? Where did it come from?’

  I decided that if that happened I would simply tell her the truth.

  ‘It’s a communicator, Mum. The aliens gave it to us. D’you remember? The ones that abducted us?’

  And then she would go, ‘Oh, those aliens,’ and give a little laugh, like humouring me. She’d never think it might be true!

  It must have been the early hours before I finally got to sleep, which meant I didn’t wake up till really late. But that was OK, ’cos it was Saturday. I yawned my way out onto the landing and bumped into Rosie. She was also yawning.

  ‘I couldn’t sleep,’ she said accusingly. Like it was my fault.

  I told her that I couldn’t sleep, either. ‘Didn’t hardly like to,’ I said, ‘in case the call came.’

  Holding myself in readiness; that’s what I’d been doing. Dunno what she’d been doing. Waiting for government agents to come and get her, probably.

  ‘You’re not still expecting that stupid yo-yo thing to work?’ said Rosie. ‘I told you, it’s just a toy! They only gave it you to keep you happy. It’s – ’ She broke off abruptly, head tilted to one side. ‘What’s that? That bleeping noise? Is it the smoke alarm? Daaaad!’ She ran to the head of the stairs. ‘The smoke alarm!’

  It wasn’t the smoke alarm: it was the com badge, bleeping in my pocket. I pulled it out. Rosie’s eyes had gone like saucers.

  ‘Stupid yo-yo thing,’ I said. I pressed the button in the centre and a voice came through.

  ‘This is the starship Galactic Empire. Lieutenant Malandra calling Acting Ensign Jake McGraw.’

  Acting Ensign! My heart swelled. ‘Speaking,’ I said, then added, ‘Sir.’

  ‘Is Acting Ensign Rosie McGraw also there?’

  I pulled a face at Rosie. ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘She’s here.’

  ‘Please stand by to beam up. Do you have that, Ensign McGraw?’

  I nodded, speechless.

  ‘Confirm, please.’

  ‘I CONFIRM!’ In my excitement, I bellowed it. Dad, halfway up the stairs, looked at me in astonishment.

  ‘What’s going on? What’s this about the smoke alarm?’

  ‘Sorry, made a mistake,’ said Rosie. ‘It wasn’t the alarm, it was the yo-yo thing.’

  ‘Oh. Well! Right. Glad to see you’ve managed to get yourselves out of bed at last.’

  ‘We have to go out,’ I said, following Dad back down the stairs.

  ‘Where’re we going?’ hissed Rosie.

  I mouthed at her. ‘You know where we’re going… We’re beaming back up.’

  ‘In that case…’ Rosie put on a spurt, rudely elbowing me to one side and cantering past Dad along the hall. ‘I’m not going without my breakfast!’

  We stood in the kitchen, shovelling cereal into our mouths.

  ‘Charming,’ said Mum, as we guzzled and gulped. ‘Do I take it you’re
in some kind of a rush?’

  ‘Yup.’ I shovelled vigorously. ‘We gotta go.’

  ‘I’d sooner you didn’t choke yourselves.’

  ‘Can’t help it.’ A spray of cornflakes shot out of Rosie’s mouth. Mum ducked. ‘It’s urgent! They’re coming for us any second.’

  ‘Who’s coming?’ Mum sounded bewildered.

  ‘Aliens,’ said Rosie. ‘Or government agents. We’re not quite sure. But one or the other.’

  ‘Same ones from yesterday,’ I said. ‘They’re beaming us back up.’

  ‘Oh. Well … have a good time,’ said Mum. ‘Don’t forget Auntie Jay and Uncle Kev are coming for lunch. I’d like to think you’d…’

  Her voice faded. We were off! Scrambled together in the transporter. I felt that I was an old hand at it by now. It didn’t bother me when body parts went whizzing past. I knew what was happening. I knew they’d all come together again in the right order. Hopefully in the right order. I’d once seen a movie where someone’s ears ended up on top of their head. Still, it seemed a small price to pay. I reckon there’s not much to beat the thrill of hurtling through space in a beam of light.

  Both Lieutenant Malandra and the captain were waiting for us as we unscrambled. For a wonderful moment, I thought one of Rosie’s hands was going to end up sticking out of her knee cap, but it zoomed back into position.

  ‘Welcome back aboard,’ said the captain. ‘Glad you could make it!’

  ‘Didn’t have much choice,’ muttered Rosie; but she said it low so only I could hear. Now that she knew she wasn’t just dreaming, she was being a bit more careful. Nobody with any sense wants to run the risk of upsetting a bunch of aliens. Or government agents, whichever they turned out to be. Myself, I was pretty sure they were the real thing; I didn’t reckon the government had the technology for transporter beams.

  ‘We have no time to waste,’ said the captain, ‘so let’s crack on. We’ve located the Queen, she’s about to sit down for what I believe you call elevenses.’

  Rosie wrinkled her nose. ‘What’s elevenses?’

  ‘The ritual cup of coffee? With the biscuits? It is being brought to her even as we speak, so let me give you a quick briefing and you can be off. Your mission, as explained previously, is to remove an alien bug. In order to achieve that, you will need these.’ He handed each of us what looked like a thin silver pen with a click top.

  ‘Neat,’ said Rosie. Of course, she couldn’t resist clicking, could she? She just had to do it. Trust her! A quivering black tongue shot out of the end of the pen and lashed, angrily, in the air, making little darts back and forth. Rosie went, ‘Eek!’ and sprang backwards. Served her right! She did manage to hold on, though. To give her her due, as Mum would say.

  ‘That is a needle gun,’ said the captain. ‘You need to be careful how you handle them. They are deadly to these particular bugs, but they can also give you humanoids a fairly nasty nip.’ He took the gun from Rosie and calmly clicked the top. The tongue wriggled its way back in. ‘There you are. All safe. The idea is that you will approach the Queen from behind, point the gun and fire. The bug won’t be able to get out fast enough. As soon as it’s out, give it another shot to finish it off, and that will be that: end of mission. You have your com badge. Just call through to the ship and we shall beam you back up. Any questions?’

  My head was teeming with them, but before I could decide which one to ask first, Rosie had gone jumping in ahead of me.

  ‘I’d just like to know,’ she said, ‘how we’re s’posed to go creeping up behind the Queen’s neck without her noticing anything.’

  Yes; that had been one of my questions, too.

  ‘Don’t worry!’ said the captain. ‘We’ll be downsizing you before you go.’

  There was a pause.

  ‘Excuse me?’ said Rosie.

  ‘You’re going to be reduced,’ said the captain. ‘Quite considerably.’

  Rosie bristled. She is sensitive about her size; she is already quite small enough. Dad sometimes calls her Midget.

  ‘Excuse me,’ she said, ‘I didn’t sign up to be made the size of a…’ She waved a hand. ‘A two year old!’

  ‘Oh, you’ll need to be reduced far more than that.’ The captain sounded quite cheerful about it. ‘Think mouse. Think pygmy mouse. Think…’ He held up a finger and thumb, a few centimetres apart. ‘Think micro pygmy mouse. That should do it.’

  Rosie’s eyes were almost popping out of her head. And now I, too, had a question I needed to ask.

  ‘Yes, Jake,’ said the captain. ‘What’s troubling you?’

  ‘I was just wondering,’ I said, ‘if we’re like sort of … mouse size … how do we get around? Like if we’re down here…’ I crouched. ‘How do we get up there?’

  ‘Good question,’ said the captain. ‘I’m glad you asked that.’

  The answer, of course, was jet packs. I should have thought of that for myself! I was really annoyed I hadn’t. We were each given one and shown how to use it.

  ‘I hope you’ve got that,’ I said to Rosie. She is seriously useless when it comes to technology. I didn’t want her suddenly propelling herself into the furniture or knocking herself out on the ceiling.

  ‘I think I can tell up from down, thank you very much!’ snapped Rosie. ‘And left from right,’ she added, ‘which is more than you sometimes can.’

  ‘I’m sure you will both manage perfectly well,’ said the captain. ‘Remember, you are doing your planet a great service. Now, if you would just step into the conversion chamber…’

  He indicated a pool of light, which had suddenly appeared. Rosie and I looked at each other.

  ‘Trust me,’ said the captain, ‘no harm will come to you. I have been downsized more times than I can remember. And Lieutenant Malandra here was once reduced to a mere atom. I assure you, it is standard procedure. As soon as your mission is completed, we shall restore you to full normality. Before you go, you had better take one of these.’

  He held out two small bubble packs full of what looked like dog biscuits.

  ‘What’s this for?’ said Rosie. ‘Not supposed to be our lunch, is it?’

  ‘You will be back home well before lunchtime,’ the captain assured her. ‘These are for the royal corgis. She has four with her at present. Be warned, they will be able to pick up your voices. The Queen will not. To her, you will sound like bat squeaks. The corgis, however, are a different matter. They have been known to chase and devour small creatures, so I would advise you to break open your bubble packs and scatter the contents at the first sign of danger.’

  ‘This sounds like it’s going to be fun,’ said Rosie.

  I think she was being sarcastic; it’s hard to tell, with her. She has this really weird sense of humour. We stepped into the beam of light, clutching our bubble packs, and the captain gave the order.

  ‘Two to beam down!’

  We were on our way…

  Chapter Nine

  I’d have thought being mouse-sized would make you feel different. I’d have thought all the bits of fingers and toes floating about in the transporter would have looked different. But they didn’t; they just looked like ordinary fingers and toes, the way they always did. And I just felt like me, the way I always did. Until we materialised at the other end … and then it hit me. I was stranded on some kind of ledge, with a sheer drop below. It was like being at the top of a mountain, looking down into a ravine. This was because I was mouse-size, up near the ceiling.

  Rosie was perched next to me. She was staring, transfixed, into space. I wanted to nudge her, to get her attention, but was terrified that if I did, she would lose her balance and go plummeting over the edge. And being Rosie, and so useless with technology, she almost certainly wouldn’t think to activate her jet pack until it was too late. She might be a total pain, but she is my sister. I wouldn’t want to watch her go splat on whatever lay below.

  What did lie below? I risked a quick glance, my finger ready on the up button, just in ca
se. From a great way off, I saw the Queen, sitting at a table. I knew it was the Queen ’cos she was wearing her crown. She was slurping coffee from a big mug. I could hear her slurping even at that distance. Mum would have something to say if me and Rosie did that, but being the Queen she was probably allowed.

  Now she was picking up a biscuit and dunking it in her coffee. Oh, and now she was holding it up, all wet and flabby, and tipping her head back so she could drop it in her mouth. Oops! Some of it had broken off before she could get it in. A mush of biscuit fell to the floor and instantly a pack of corgis fell on it, snapping and snarling. The Queen laughed. She obviously thought it very funny. Her hand reached out for another biscuit, but instead of dunking it in her coffee she tossed it at the corgis.

  I felt a jab in the ribs, and jumped. It was Rosie. I guessed she didn’t care if I went plummeting. Or maybe she knew that I would operate my jet pack.

  ‘This is too gross,’ she said.

  Did she mean gross that the Queen was chucking biscuits about the place? Or gross that we were stuck on a ledge somewhere up near the ceiling?

  ‘What are we supposed to do?’

  At the sound of her voice, one of the corgis looked up and barked.

  ‘Shut up!’ yelled the Queen, and threw another biscuit.

  I said, ‘You know what we’re supposed to do – we’re supposed to destroy an alien bug.’

  ‘I don’t want to destroy an alien bug,’ said Rosie. ‘I want to go home!’

  ‘Well, you can’t,’ I said. ‘We’re on a mission.’

  ‘I don’t want to be on a mission! I didn’t ask to come on a mission. I didn’t volunteer!’ Her voice rose to a shriek. Even the Queen tipped her head to one side; wondering, no doubt, how bats had got into the palace. The corgis, in a frenzy of excitement, rushed about the room, barking.

  ‘I thought I told you to shut up!’ the Queen yelled again, snatching her packet of biscuits and hurling it at them.