Ill Will

by Michael Stewart

  I shrugged.

  ‘That’s the page where the music for “Au Clair de la Lune” is printed. Annie’s favourite. She would often sit at that instrument, pleasantly playing its melody.’

  ‘Incredible,’ I said.

  Emily nodded.

  He smiled and took some soup onto his spoon. We ate in silence for a spell. As we snacked on smoked cheese and grapes, Jonas turned to us and said, ‘I had a dream last night.’

  I nodded.

  ‘Me too,’ Emily said. ‘I dreamed I was a mole and I couldn’t find my mole hat. I mean, moles don’t even have hats, do they?’

  Jonas was in his own world. He didn’t seem to even hear Emily. He was staring up at the portrait.

  ‘In my dream, Annabel came to me and she said that she had something to tell me.’

  ‘What was it?’ I asked.

  ‘She said that she had spoken with God.’

  I nodded again, this time more gravely.

  ‘She said that God told her that the vast wealth I have accumulated is tainted.’

  He put his teacup on the table and stared at the floor. ‘It is hard indeed for the rich to enter His kingdom. Many are turned away at the gates and have to suffer the flames of eternal damnation.’

  ‘Is that what God told Annie?’ Emily said.

  ‘It’s what I know in my heart,’ he said. ‘My riches are tainted.’

  He took out the locket from his waistcoat and furled his fist around it. I watched his knuckles turn white.

  ‘I’m sure it isn’t as bad as you make out,’ I said at last.

  ‘They are the result of misery and human bondage.’ He was still staring at the floor.

  ‘Who do you speak of?’ I asked.

  ‘I saved them from barbarism. I brought them up from the animal level. I introduced them to the Bible and the word of God. But only by force. God doesn’t want that. He wants His children to come to Him of their own free will.’

  ‘And if they won’t? Is it not still godly to show them the light?’ Emily said.

  ‘God told Annie in my dream that if we are to be together in eternal bliss, I must give my wealth away. Only then can I be pure in the eyes of the Lord, and only then will He open the gates and we will be truly as one. “Keep only what is essential to your earthly existence, Jonas, my love – the rest must be gifted to those in need.” That’s what she said.’

  ‘And what did you say? In this dream?’

  ‘I said, “I’ll do it, my love. Earthly riches are no reward. Trinkets mean nothing to me.”’

  He got to his feet with difficulty and took hold of his stick. Emily and I watched him as he walked over to the painting of Annie. He stood beneath it, staring up. The face in the painting was much bigger than Jonas’s, making Annie look like some deity staring down from the heavens.

  ‘When I woke I felt as though I had been somewhere else,’ he said. ‘I had been somewhere else. In sleep I had found a halfway place between the dead and the living, and that is where Annie spoke to me.’

  Jonas suggested we take a walk in the gardens. He opened the glass doors of the conservatory and we strolled across the terrace and past a fountain, along ornate flower beds that were mostly withering, ready for winter, until we entered a wooded area. A path meandered down to the lake. We sat on a bench by the water and watched martlets dive and scoop. The summer guest gorging on the last of summer’s harvest. The leaves were copper, bronze, gold and every other burnished hue. Emily went to the water’s edge and picked up a stone. She skimmed it across the mirror of the lake’s surface.

  ‘Is it all right if I have a paddle?’ she said.

  Jonas nodded. ‘Please do.’

  She took off her boots and stockings. She rolled her dress up in a knot so that it rested just above her knees. She waded in. Jonas was unusually quiet. He stared deep into the green-blue water. There were still some late blooms by the waterside but mostly it was fretted by green reeds. The last of the dragonflies hovered about.

  ‘You seem troubled,’ I said after an interval.

  ‘Aye. That I am, Adam.’

  ‘Is there anything I can do to soothe your fevered brow, sir?’

  ‘Yes, there is.’

  ‘And what is that?’

  ‘You have lived on the streets. You have gone days without a meal. You know what it is to go hungry. I have never known an empty belly. I have never been without a bed or a roof over my head.’

  ‘We each have our crosses to bear,’ I said.

  ‘And June. She has known great privation also. Oh, I’m not saying I have never suffered hardship of any kind. It was hard sometimes in Jamaica. It is a wild and mountainous place. Full of mutiny. We had an agreement with the Maroons.’

  ‘Who were they?’ I asked.

  ‘Runaway slaves. There was a peace treaty. As long as they brought back future runaways, we would leave them alone. Which they did. But the fear was always there. Having an army of unpredictable Africans all around you, it was hard to sleep some nights. I had to be tough. I had no choice.’

  As I listened to him talk I wondered if Hindley justified his own malicious conduct with the same self-serving story.

  ‘There were thousands of them and only hundreds of us, you understand?’

  I nodded.

  ‘I was in charge of forty-two slaves. Do you think they accepted their submission gracefully?’

  ‘No, sir, I suspect not.’

  ‘During that first year, do you know, I didn’t see another white person for weeks on end. I wasn’t even thirty years old. So you see, I had no choice.’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘I’d never been, you know, before I came to the island. I wasn’t a brute. I was an educated man. A lover of books. Do you know, I have a library containing more than a thousand volumes?’

  Emily waded back out of the water and walked over to where we were sitting.

  ‘I thought I saw a pike,’ she said.

  ‘That’s entirely possible,’ Jonas said. ‘There is indeed an old pike in there.’

  ‘It’s a big one, nearly had my leg off.’

  ‘Well, let me see, must be about eight pound now. Not the biggest there is, but a decent size. Why don’t you have a walk in the orchard just over there?’ he said to Emily, pointing to the right of the pond. ‘The apples need collecting. I think there’s a basket thereabouts.’

  She looked at me for affirmation. I felt that Jonas was opening up and that it would be beneficial if the two of us could talk some more so I nodded to Emily, to say she should go.

  ‘I’ll have a look,’ she said, and wandered off again.

  ‘It was a dangerous world, Adam. I was responsible for everything on the pen: housing, clothing, feeding, the lot. The things I had to endure: blisteringly hot sun, hurricanes, floods. But I learned very quickly how to make the land fertile and thus profitable. It began in me a lifetime’s passion for horticulture. Plants, roots, cuttings, saplings.’

  He rambled on about gardening matters for some time, before going off on another tangent. I tried to steer the conversation back on course.

  ‘Forgive me, sir, but why are you telling me all this? Is something troubling you?’

  ‘I . . . I just wanted you to know . . . I’ve made mistakes.’

  ‘We all have, sir. I’m sure.’

  ‘Fieldwork had to be synchronised with the mechanical processes. Cane that takes too long to be crushed and processed rapidly deteriorates, you see. Timing between the field and the factory was a very tricky business. And if the slaves weren’t pulling their weight . . . I had very little experience at this stage, you understand. There were enormous pressures on me.’

  ‘I’m sure you did what you could.’

  Jonas grabbed hold of my arm and turned to me, his eyes pleading. ‘Yes, but is that how God will see it, Adam? That’s what I need to know.’

  He stared deep into my eyes. There was something manic and desperate in that stare. I just shrugged.<
br />
  At last he said, ‘Forgive me, Adam. I shouldn’t burden you with all this. But like me, you are a man of the cloth. Our job is to bring the sinner closer to God.’

  ‘In truth, sir, I have not yet been accredited.’

  ‘No? But I thought you said—’

  ‘I did. I mean, I fully intend to be, but I am not experienced enough yet. I am, in all honesty, barely literate and numerate. There is much I need to learn. And I have not the wealth to educate myself.’

  ‘I see,’ said Jonas, sitting back on the bench. ‘Let me think on this matter,’ he said. ‘Will you come back another day?’

  ‘Well, I—’

  ‘You must, I insist. Tomorrow maybe?’

  ‘Not tomorrow,’ I said.

  ‘Then the day after?’

  ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ I said at last.

  All I wanted to do was grab him by the scruff of his neck and push his head under the water. To hold it there as he thrashed about, until he thrashed no more. But I thought again about our plan. We were almost there. Patience.

  I went to find Emily. She was gathering apples and had a dozen or so in the basket. I explained that we were leaving. We walked back to Jonas and thanked him for his hospitality. He made us promise that we would return in two days’ time.

  As we walked back to the forest, I turned to Emily and said, ‘So what next?’

  ‘He’s a worm on the end of our hook,’ she said. ‘We just need to dangle it a little longer. Here, have one of these,’ she said, handing me an apple. I bit into the flesh. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘Nice,’ I said. ‘A bit tart.’

  ‘I meant, what do you think we should do next?’

  I shrugged.

  When we got back to the shelter, we built up a fire and played a game of havoc. We talked about how we were going to manipulate Jonas, until we agreed that we should see what transpired on Tuesday and take it from there. I could feel growing unease in the pit of my gut. I pushed the feeling away and concentrated on my playing hand.

  We made two more visits to Bold Hall before we had any kind of breakthrough. Jonas had sat us around the dinner table and asked us to tell him more about our parents’ thwarted plans to build the orphanage. He seemed fascinated by every detail. So I wasn’t entirely surprised at the end of that final visit, after the table had been cleared of crockery and the port had been served, when Jonas turned to us both and said, ‘I’ve been spending a lot of time with Annie in the garden.’

  We both nodded. I sipped my port.

  ‘You two coming into my life. The harpsichord, the marigolds. Annie has sent you. I’m sure of it. I’ve told her all about you both and about the orphanage. I’ve told her about your plans to get accredited. I could feel her presence all around me. The leaves in the trees rustled with her spirit. She knows. She hears. She listens. I’ve been thinking as well that June needs an education. I want the very best for you,’ he said, turning to Emily. ‘And after a lot of thought, a lot of ruminating, a lot of talking with Annie, I’ve come to a decision.’

  ‘And what decision is that then, may I ask, sir?’

  ‘I want you to have a portion of my wealth. I want you to use it to complete the orphanage and what is left I want you both to use to secure your futures and keep from want. I will retain that which is enough to keep me in a modest fashion till I end my earthly days. That is all I require.’

  ‘But that is too generous, sir,’ I said.

  ‘We are not worthy of such a gift,’ Emily said.

  ‘You are more than worth what I have,’ he said. ‘Don’t try and dissuade me. It will do no good. I’m a stubborn old mule. Ask Annie. Ask her about the caffoy. Too lavish, she said, but I insisted.’ He pointed up to where the painting was hanging. ‘Stubborn as an ox. That’s what she used to say. Once I’ve made up my mind, there is no dissuading me. So don’t even try. It will do no good, I assure you.’

  ‘Well, if you are sure this is the right thing to do, sir?’

  I could feel the knot in my gut dissolve. I tried to contain my relief. At last, the old man had taken the bait, the plan had worked. It had been a huge effort – as much an effort of will and nerve as that of skill – but he had cracked. I tried not to show my joy, and instead smiled inwardly.

  ‘Mankind is in a state of guilt. There is a sense of dread of divine displeasure.’

  He was looking down at his empty plate.

  ‘From the most learned philosophers down to the greatest savages, subject to such remorse as makes them wish for some method of expiating their offences. The minds of even the most enlightened men, who have the highest standard of moral perfection and the quickest sense of duty.’

  He looked over to where Emily and I were seated.

  ‘There has to be atonement. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. My wealth is like an iron cloak, dragging me down into the mire. It is a millstone round my neck, pulling me under to Beelzebub’s domain. I thought that by purchasing human chattels from a godless land and transporting them to my own plantations, where they could be occupied with honest toil, and receive the word of Christ, that I was doing God’s work, but I’ve seen the error of my ways. Annie came to me in a dream again last night. My dearest Annie. And I wish only to do what is propitious by Annie and my Lord Jesus Christ. Everything else in my life is dust. This is my mission on earth. Perhaps my philanthropic actions will be an example to other men like me, who have made their riches from the blood, sweat and tears of bonded labour. God wants only free men. Iron cuffs and shackles anger Him. Neck braces and manacles offend Him. Collars and chains provoke His wrath. The block repels His love, as does the whip. He has made man in His image to be free to devote his life to God. To use our free choice to love Him. To serve Him by force is not to serve Him at all. Only the devil wants bonded slaves. Annie and I made an Eden here, in order to replicate that Eden that seated man before his sin. With an orchard for pear and apple, woodlands and water. Beds of flowers and beds where every one of God’s vegetables grows.’

  He took out the locket containing the lock of hair from his waistcoat and gripped it in his fist.

  ‘I have done things. Things that cannot be undone. Many refused to eat. They had to be force-fed. They would have died otherwise.’

  He took out the lock of hair and stroked his cheek with it.

  ‘So soft. My Annie’s hair was like her temperament. So soft. God made both the lion and the lamb.’

  He put the lock of hair to his lips. He stared off, out of the window, dreamily.

  ‘You know, on my first voyage I saw a man flogged for committing sodomy with a sheep,’ he said and laughed bitterly.

  ‘That’s disgusting,’ Emily said.

  ‘No, June, that is man at his most base. We each have that baseness in us. That ship was infested with rats, and slaves lay in their own uncleanliness. The smell was overpowering. On our homeward journey the ship was terribly damaged by a storm. We lost food and livestock overboard. We were doomed, or so I thought, but some force guided us to safety. And I now know what I didn’t know then. That there is a God who hears and answers our prayers.’

  I let a respectful silence descend before I responded.

  ‘I find it hard to locate any error in what you say, sir. I’m moved by your heartfelt sentiments. It marks you out as a man of great compassion and divine devotion.’

  ‘I’ve never been so sure of anything before. Thanks to my dearest Annie. Next Sunday you will come to my house and I will give out my wealth. I then intend to spend what time I have left working on the minds of men who think it is acceptable to buy and sell human chattels.’

  You might find that plan is thwarted then, I thought, as I pictured his head on a pike. Inside I was chuckling. We had him. This was it, Cathy. Everything we had worked for was almost in place.

  ‘Very well, sir. You have chosen a righteous path. I am honoured that you have selected me as your servant in this matter.’

  ‘And I am de
eply touched,’ said Emily, ‘that you would do such a good thing for us both.’

  He took hold of Emily’s hand and kissed it tenderly. Then he turned to me and looked me in the eye. We shook hands.

  As we walked back to the forest, I felt as light as a butterfly. I was hardly aware of the cold wind blowing at my cheek. Inside I was warm and content. I laughed with joy and Emily joined in. She chatted beside me.

  ‘That couldn’t have gone any better,’ she said. ‘We’ve only gone and cracked it.’

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘I can’t believe it. Just four more days before we get to pick up the rewards of our labour.’

  ‘Do you think he’s off his rocker?’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘The way he talks about Annie, it’s like she’s in the room. Sometimes I think he’s forgotten that she’s dead and thinks she is standing next to him.’

  ‘Who knows where the dead go when they die?’ I said. ‘Maybe they do walk by our side. Maybe they follow us wherever we go and sleep in our bedchambers when we sleep.’

  Emily carried on chatting about Jonas as we traipsed across the moor, but my enthusiasm waned as my thoughts returned to my mother. I kept picturing in my mind what Jonas had done to make his guilt lie so heavily on his conscience. He had left her to die in a darkened room. Dragged from the place of her birth, pulled from the bosom of her family. Made to travel overseas in a boat where they were stuffed like figs in a barrel. Made to lie in their own ordure. Sleep in a box not big enough to move about. Brought to a plantation where men would use her for their own purposes. The thought sickened me all over again. Men like Jonas were able to live an immoral life for whatever length of time they pleased, just as long as they repented before they breathed their last breath. What kind of God was it that looked down at us from His throne in heaven? What kind of maniac was He to think that this was devout work?

  The next day, Emily checked the snares and brought two rabbits back. I filled the pot from the beck and picked some mushrooms. I sliced them up and put them into the stew. I found some greens to add to the concoction and watched Emily gut the animals.