That Dog Won't Hunt (Dearing Family Series)

by Collins, Brandilyn

  “What’s that, Son?” Dad flicked a look in the rear view mirror.

  “The wedding date!” Ben waggled his torso, obviously pleased with himself.

  “Really?” Mama looked over her shoulder. “That’s wonderful! When were you thinkin’?”

  “Sooner the better.” Ben grinned.

  And just why wasn’t Christina in on this conversation? Jess turned to look her in the eye. “You’re awful quiet about all this.”

  Ben squeezed his fiancée’s hand. “She’s just a little—”

  “I’m not talking to you.”

  Christina took a breath. “I’m just … overwhelmed.”

  Was there a happy in there somewhere?

  “Well, don’t worry about it now.” Ben waved his free hand above Penny’s head. “We’ll figure it out at supper.”

  All righty then.

  Jess let the subject drop and focused on the cars ahead. After a moment Jake turned left off the highway.

  “Oh, no.” She made a face. “Tell me we’re not goin’ to Crazy Eddie’s house.”

  “Crazy Eddie?” Christina mouthed.

  “He’s a buck-toothed old man with a perpetual garage sale.” Just as Jess spotted Crazy Eddie’s dumpy-looking property ahead, they started to slow. She closed her eyes. “Oh, man.” No telling what she’d get on her pretty sandals, walking around that guy’s place.

  Jake turned left into the long gravel driveway. Drove up parallel to the rickety red barn and stopped. Crazy Eddie loped out his front door, grinning to beat the band.

  “I just know Tamel did this.” Jess lasered the cluttered yard with her eyes. “Traitor.”

  They rolled up the driveway and stopped. With a huge sigh, she got out of the car. Christina slid out behind her. Ben carried Penny.

  Up the road came Chiquita Banana. Jess faced Tamel’s beastly car, arms folded. He turned into the driveway and slid from the driver’s seat, all smiles. “You did this!” Jess pointed at him.

  Tamel halted and placed a flat hand against his chest—Moi?

  Swiveling away from Tamel, Jess scanned Crazy Eddie’s yard. The man was already talking a mile a minute, shaking hands with her dad, Jake, and Don. The yard was littered with old couches and chairs, a rusting stove, two worn saddles, an iron bed frame, and who knew what all else. Not one thing worthy of the Dearing Family Photo.

  “Thank y’all for comin!” Crazy Eddie stood with his bowed legs wide apart, skinny arms waving like a snake oil salesman. He had a reedy voice from years of smoking. What was left of his gray hair stuck out in all directions, including from his ears. “Hope you’ll look around, see somethin’ to take home whilst yer here.”

  Uh-huh. One thing Jess knew about Crazy Eddie. They weren’t taking this picture for free.

  Tamel sidled up to Jess. She threw him an I-know-you’re-in-on-this glance. “How much did Jake pay him for this?” Whatever it was, it was too much.

  “How should I know?”

  “You know.”

  “Don’t either.”

  “Do too.”

  “Do not.”

  Jess flicked a look at the sky.

  The three kids milled around, their mouths open. Alex wore a grossed-out look on her little face. Mama walked up close to Ben, staring at the yard with a nonplussed expression. Lady Penelope scrambled from Ben’s arms to hers and clung to her chest. Jess could practically hear her panicked doggie thoughts. Please don’t put me down in all this mess!

  “Okay.” Dad looked around. “Where we goin’, Jake?”

  “Other side of the barn.”

  Have mercy, there was more over there?

  They all traipsed around, the kids running ahead. Christina held tightly to Ben’s hand. Tamel tried to hold Jess’s, but she swatted him away. “Huh-uh, you traitor.”

  “You know you love me.” He stuck his dimpled face in hers, grinning.

  One of these days she was gonna throttle him.

  The kids rounded the barn first. The girls started screaming. Pogey howled like a hyena.

  Mama halted at the edge of the barn and jerked up both arms. “Oh, no.” She started laughing.

  What in the world? Jess picked up speed, Tamel beside her. She skidded around the dilapidated corner—and saw six old toilets in a row. Two blue, one pink, two white, and one a hideous green. They sat close to one another, the faded wooden slats of Crazy Eddie’s barn as a backdrop.

  Christina and Ben came up beside Jess, Christina’s eyes rounding. “Aw-haw.” Ben raised his eyebrows. “That’s great.”

  “Ain’t they beauties!” Crazy Eddie spread his arms wide.

  Don leaned back and guffawed. “Where’d you get ’em?”

  “Oh, here and there. They’s all fer sale, ever one. Need to fix up a bathroom er two?” Crazy Eddie turned to Mama. “How ’bout you, Little Lady?”

  She shook her head. “Not today.”

  Maddy gazed at the scene as if she suddenly longed to climb a tree. “What are we supposed to do with those things?”

  “Sit on ’em, of course.” Jake took the camera from around his neck and handed it to Tamel.

  Maddy made a face. “Lids stayin’ down, I hope.”

  “Nope, lids up, pants down.”

  “What?”

  Crazy Eddie cackled like a wet hen. Everyone else but Maddy dissolved in laughter. Even Jess couldn’t help herself. Tamel held his sides. Don pointed at his wife. “Didja see her face?”

  “Ha-ha.” Maddy threw him a look to kill. “You better be careful, mister. I walk softly and carry a big brick.”

  Sarah giggled harder. “Stick, Maddy, stick!”

  “Oh, whatever.” Maddy stomped away from the toilets.

  Crazy Eddie bent over, then hit the ground, laughing until he wheezed.

  It took some time for everyone to recover.

  “Oh, boy.” Jake wiped his forehead. “Okay, let’s get settled.” He moved front and center of the line-up. “Oldest to youngest.” He pointed to the blue toilet at the left end. “Sy, you sit down first, Mama on your lap. She can hold Penny. Sarah and I go second.” They’d be on one of the white ones. “Maddy and Don, you next.” That would be the ratty green potty. “Jess, you’re next, then Ben and Christina.” On blue and white. “And the final pink one’s for the kids.”

  Pogey looked more than indignant. “I am not sittin’ on a toilet with two girls!”

  “I’m not sittin’ with him, either.” Alex put on her best frown.

  “How ’bout we pose as families?” Dad said. “Lacey, you can be on your mama’s lap. Pogey, you stand beside ’em.”

  Jake thought that one over. “Who takes the last toilet?”

  “Lady Penelope.” Mama held up the Yorkie.

  “She’ll never sit by herself,” Ben said.

  “Well, we can give it a try.” Mama handed Penny to Christina. “Here, you hold her till the last second. Then set her down, see what happens.”

  Bodies milled about, getting settled. Jess sat down on her closed toilet, feeling conspicuously alone. She leaned toward Christina. “If Penny doesn’t stay by herself, I’ll hold her.”

  Tamel stood back, readying the camera. Now and then Crazy Eddie squawked a direction to somebody. “You, there, that’s good … you need to sit forward a little.”

  Man was probably getting paid by the minute.

  “Okay, girls.” Jake spoke from behind Sarah’s back. “Climb on up on your mama’s laps.”

  The girls scrambled up. Pogey stood at the back of his family’s toilet, one hand on his father’s shoulder.

  “Lookin’ good.” Tamel eyed them keenly. “Final places. Men, lean left. Women, lean right. Kids, sit straight.” He watched as everyone followed his commands.

  “Ouch,” Maddy protested to Alex. “You kicked me.”

  “Well, don’t hold me so hard.” Alex frowned and wiggled.

  “Okay, everybody, hold it, hold it.” Tamel eyed them all again, Crazy Eddie by his side. “What do you think, Ed
?”

  “Looks to me like the family’s goin’ to pot.”

  Jess threw back her head and hooted. Sarah giggled so hard she dropped Lacey, then fell off her husband’s lap. Mama and Dad started in, and soon the whole scene fell apart, people off their toilets. Even Christina laughed. Crazy Eddie trotted around howling like he’d just said the world’s biggest joke.

  Nobody settled down until they ran out of air. Jess’s sides hurt.

  “Okay, okay.” Tamel was still chuckling. “Let’s try this again.”

  Mama climbed back on Dad’s lap. “It’s hard keepin’ this family in line.”

  “Sure is,” Dad said.

  “But we manage somehow, don’t we?” Mama smiled at him over her shoulder.

  “With God’s grace, Ruthie. With God’s grace.”

  “Okay, we’re almost there.” Tamel raised the camera. “Christina, put Penny down.”

  Christina obeyed. Jess leaned around her and Ben to watch. Lady Penelope turned in circles three times on the closed toilet lid. Then, with an air of abundant resignation, she gave the rest of the family a disdainful glance—and sat.

  “Perfect,” Tamel crowed. “Here, Penny, look here.” He shuffled an inch to his right.

  Amazingly, the Yorkie faced him.

  “Hold it!”

  Jess smiled.

  Tamel took the shot, and the shutter clicked. Jess imagined the photo, everyone perched on their toilets, looking as regal as a Dearing could.

  Tamel checked the photo on the camera. “All right, it looks great. Let’s take a few more for good measure.” He clicked off a second shot. Moved a few people this way and that an inch or two, then took a third. After a fourth and fifth, he seemed satisfied.

  “Can I get up now?” Alex whined.

  “Wait a minute.” Crazy Eddie reached for the camera. “Let me take one, Tamel. You should be in the picture.”

  Tamel pointed to himself—me?

  Crazy Eddie winked at him. “Don’t act so innocent. I know where you belong.”

  With her, no doubt, Jess thought. Which was totally forging new territory, him being in the Dearing Family Photo. She wasn’t sure if she liked that or not.

  “Yes, come on, Tamel, get in,” Mom called.

  Fine then, who was Jess to say no? She got up, let Tamel settle, then sat on his lap. His arms circled around her waist. They felt good.

  “Okay.” Crazy Eddie squinted one eye behind the camera. “Men to the left; women to the right, kids straight. Penny, you’re perfect.”

  He took the shot.

  Well, that wasn’t so bad. Jess turned around and smiled at Tamel. Come Christmas, she just might choose that final picture for the cover of next year’s calendar.

  If Tamel behaved himself.

  CHAPTER 27

  At supper—the final meal of the reunion—Christina sat beside Ben, excitement and more than a little fear tumbling inside her. Part of her still couldn’t believe this was happening. She was really going to do this. Marry Ben. Become a member of the Dearing family for good.

  Maybe that last part might be a little too much to think about right now. One thing at a time.

  How glad she was that Ben hadn’t taken her home yesterday. They’d talked a lot since she came out of her room. She’d told him more about her past. He’d assured her they’d work through everything. Starting with the wedding details. But even now the two selves inside her continued to fight each other. The old side wanted to please everyone, let them make the decisions. The other wanted to stand up for herself, make herself heard. It was her wedding, wasn’t it?

  Now, with dessert being served—blackberry cobbler—Ben brought up the subject of the wedding date. “We’re thinkin’ around Christmas. Here in Justus.”

  “I wanna be in the wedding!” Lacey tugged at Christina’s sleeve. “Can I?”

  “Me, too!” Alex bounced in her chair.

  Oh, really. Suddenly Alex wasn’t so mad about her dirty clothes?

  “Well, I don’t.” Pogey happily ate his dessert. “Weddin’s are for girls.”

  “Yeah, and people whose feet don’t smell!” Lacey giggled.

  Pogey shot his sister a nasty look.

  “So you’re having it here?” Jess raised her eyebrows. “Not in Dallas? What about all your friends?”

  “Can I be in the wedding, please?” Alex’s eyes shone.

  “Alex, be quiet.” Don pointed at his daughter.

  “But—”

  “Quiet.”

  Christina would love to have Lacey as a flower girl. Alex—not. But she probably couldn’t have one without the other.

  Ben shrugged. “Our friends who want to attend can come here. We want to be married in our church.”

  Jess was watching Christina carefully. “You sure you want it here too?”

  “Yes. I think it should be in the church where Ben grew up.”

  There was another reason. It was two states away from her mother.

  “I’m all for it.” Mr. Dearing smiled. “Easier on us.”

  “December’s a good month for me.” Sarah dug into her cobbler. “No conferences.”

  “So what day?” Mrs. Dearing looked to Ben. “Christmas gets so packed.”

  “How about earlier in the month?” Maddy took a sip of her coffee with obvious pleasure. She’d brewed it, not Sarah. “Like the first weekend?”

  “Which would be …” Jake pulled out his cell phone. “Saturday the sixth?”

  “Whoo.” Mrs. Dearing sat back in her chair. “Four and a half months away. Can we plan a weddin’ that quick?”

  “Sure we can.” Ben turned to Christina. “What do you think of Saturday the sixth?”

  “Sounds good. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And yes, we can plan it by then. I don’t want a lot of fancy stuff anyway. Simple is fine with me.”

  “Don’t you need to check with your mother?” Maddy asked Christina.

  She tensed. She could feel Ben go still. They’d agreed, if this subject came up, she’d answer the way she wanted. He wouldn’t do the talking for her. Now she was almost sorry about that.

  For a moment she warred with herself. Tell them now? Or leave the subject hanging? Which never seemed to work too well in this family.

  She took a deep breath. Two days ago she never in the world could have spoken out like this. “My mother’s not invited.”

  Silence. Christina could feel shock vibrate around the room.

  Maddy slowly raised her chin. “Oh.”

  Sarah focused on the table. Don and Jake were suddenly very interested in their cobbler. Ben’s parents exchanged sad glances. They’d been told about this already.

  Christina’s cheeks went hot. She forced herself to look around the table, landing on Jess—the sister hardest for her to get along with. “My mother … is not a nice person. I have as little as possible to do with her. I don’t want her to ruin my special day. She doesn’t care about me anyway.”

  Jess pressed her lips together, genuine concern in her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

  Christina nodded.

  The whole family sat for another moment, then seemed to take a collective breath.

  “Well.” Jake put his cell phone back in his pocket. “Are we set? First Saturday in December?”

  Christina and Ben looked at each other, then nodded. He kissed her on the cheek.

  “All right then!” Mr. Dearing raised his mug. “A coffee toast!” The adults raised their cups. Pogey, Lacey, and a giggling Alex picked up their water glasses. Mr. Dearing held his higher. “All our love and God’s blessings to the happy couple. And welcome to the family, Christina.”

  “Hear, hear!” Jess, Don, and Jake cheered.

  Everyone took a drink.

  “Well, that was easy.” Mrs. Dearing—Mama Ruth—grinned. “I mean pickin’ the date.”

  Christina smiled. That had certainly been the easiest part of this whole weekend.

  “Tell us the truth now, Christina.” Maddy cli
cked her fork against her plate. “After gettin’ to know Ben, wasn’t meetin’ this family the icin’ on the pie?”

  Jess chortled. “Cake, Maddy.”

  “Huh?” Maddy frowned. “We’re not eatin’ cake.”

  “We’re eatin’ cobbler,” Pogey said.

  “And there’s no icin’ on it, either.” Don elbowed his wife.

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake.” Maddy huffed. “You know what I mean.”

  Christina and Ben leaned into each other and laughed. The laughter felt good. Cleansing.

  Maybe Maddy was right—meeting the Dearings was like “the icing on the pie.” Unexpected. Different. A little more than she’d bargained for.

  But in the end … something she could get used to.

  Watch for the second Dearing Family book, Pitchin’ a Fit.

  The wedding is planned to be

  picture perfect, and the family

  has once again gathered.

  What could possibly go wrong?

  ——

  If you’d like to receive an email when Brandilyn’s next book is released, sign up here. Your email address will never be shared, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

  If you enjoyed That Dog Won’t Hunt, please consider leaving a review on Amazon. Reviews really help an author, and I’d be very grateful. Click here to go to Amazon.

  A NOTE FROM BRANDILYN

  Readers ask me, “Is the Dearing Family series based on your real childhood family?” Others wonder, “Why is the author known for her Seatbelt Suspense® now writing Southern family fiction?”

  Okay, okay, if you really wanna know …

  Is the Dearing Family series based on your family?

  No and yes. Mostly no. Here’s a list of factoids:

  I grew up in a small town in Kentucky, population about 3000. Its “downtown” consisted of one block, much like the downtown in my fictional Justus, Mississippi.

  My family does love getting together for reunions. And we’re a close family. However, we don’t argue like the Dearings do. In fact, we get along so well, we’d make a rather boring book. And we’re not as loud as the Dearings, either. (My niece Laura says that last sentence is a lie.)