I Have Lived And I Have Loved: A Charity Romance Collection

by Willow Winters

  “What happened to being daring and bold?” I turned his words back on him, thinking of all the lessons he’d tried to teach me in the boardroom. “Or does that only apply to business?”

  “Fuck.” He pounded his fist against the wall beside my head. “I—” His body vibrated with tension, and it felt as if he might explode at any moment. The fuse was lit, and I was waiting for him to detonate.

  “Fuck.” His voice was softer this time, almost pained. He rested his forehead against mine, loosening his grip, though the intensity remained. “If you were anyone else…”

  I closed my eyes and let out a shuddering breath. Why did he keep doing this to me? And why did I allow it?

  “I can’t…” I shook my head. “No more.” The words were said more to myself, but he heard them all the same.

  He trailed a finger along my jaw, and I broke. A tear slipped out, gliding down my cheek.

  I opened my eyes, blinking up at him. “I can’t keep serving myself up on a platter to you. I just—” My chest ached, and I needed space. “I can’t.” I shook my head and ducked beneath his arm.

  My legs were shaky, but I was determined to put some distance between us. If only he could let go of the fact that I was twenty years younger and his best friend’s daughter, we could be amazing. He knew it just as well as I did, but instead, he continued to fight it.

  I stood at the sink, wiping my tears and wishing I had the willpower to tell him to leave. But it had taken everything in me to tell him I was done.

  Clearly, he wasn’t listening. Because he came to stand behind me, watching me in the mirror. I both loved and hated his attention. I craved it like a drug, but I didn’t want to crave it. Didn’t want to crave him. Not if he was going to continue to push me away.

  “Don’t cry, Sumner. Please.” He brushed my hair over my shoulder, pressing kisses to my collarbone.

  My body quivered from his touch, and my heart…my heart was weak. If I was going to survive, it was up to my head. Because my body and my heart would give in to this man every time.

  “Please, Jonathan…” My voice cracked. I heaved a breath, forcing the words out of me. “This is breaking me.” Admitting it aloud was akin to ripping my heart out. But I couldn’t be his dirty little secret—the summer intern he’d fucked; his best friend’s daughter.

  He spun me to face him, his arms caging me against the sink. His hips pressed against mine. “Believe it or not, it’s breaking me too. But I can’t throw away a thirty-year friendship. Your dad—”

  I gripped the edge of the sink, anger coursing through my veins. “Should have no say in this.”

  His nostrils flared. “You’re his daughter, his only child. I’m his best friend. If he had any idea…”

  “Give him time,” I said. “Eventually, he’ll accept the fact that we’re together.”

  I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I had faith that it would work out. If only Jonathan could too.

  He shook his head, resignation marring his features. “Even if I were willing to sacrifice my relationship with him, I’m not willing to sacrifice yours.”

  “He’s my father. He loves me unconditionally. He…” I swallowed down a lump. “You’re the man I love. Surely, he’ll understand that.”

  He clenched his jaw but didn’t otherwise respond to my declaration. He had to have known. How could he not know that I loved him? Desperately so. The past few weeks apart had only crystallized my feelings—I loved him.

  When I realized he wasn’t going to budge, I sniffed and lifted my chin. I was done. I’d laid all my cards on the table, and it was time to admit defeat. Time to move on.

  “Well, if you’ll excuse me, my date is probably wondering where I am.”

  “Did you bring him to make me jealous?” His voice was low, the words said with an edge of malice.

  “Not everything’s about you, Jonathan.” I’d agreed to come with Damien as a favor to Lea, but Jonathan didn’t need to know that. But also, a small part of me wanted to see what it would feel like to give another man a chance.

  “Tell him to leave. Tell him you’re not interested.” Though the words were said quietly, the force behind them had them ricocheting around the bathroom, bouncing off the tile walls and reverberating into me.

  I scoffed. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? If you can’t have me, no one else can?” I glared at him, challenging. I leaned forward so I was in his face. The air sparked with anger and passion, desire and duty—a storm brewing between us. “Well, you can’t have it both ways.” I dug my finger into his hard chest, wondering if there was actually a heart in there or not. “I’m done. Let me go.”

  He stepped closer so that our bodies were pressed together, my breasts crushed to his hard chest. Our pelvises kissing. His nose running along mine. His gaze was so intense, I nearly looked away.

  My heart danced within my chest, hope and fear and desire and every other emotion warring within me. Just do it. Just kiss me. Claim me, I screamed in my head.

  I didn’t know what he was waiting for, but I was holding my breath. I’d been holding my breath until he finally pressed his lips to mine, giving me the oxygen I so desperately needed. The breath, the life, only he could give. It was as if I’d been drowning, and he’d saved me.

  I gasped when he released my lips to kiss down my neck. I moaned when he pulled my dress aside, releasing my breasts. But then I remembered how it had felt the last time. Not the amazing sex, but the pain that had followed. How gutted I’d been when he’d acted as if I meant nothing to him.

  “Stop,” I said, even as my body shook when he slid his hand up my thigh. “I’m not doing this. Not again.”

  He removed his hand, and I stepped back, adjusting my dress so that I was covered and then crossing my arms over my chest. “I will not be your dirty little secret. I will not be a mistake. I will not be nothing.”

  Chapter 4

  Jonathan

  Nothing. The word reverberated throughout the room, pounding into my skull. I’d never regretted saying something more in my life.

  I couldn’t win. I’d tried to stay away from her out of respect for my friendship with Ian, and it had nearly broken me. But loving her would wreck Ian and destroy a friendship spanning decades. Worse still, though, it was hurting Sumner. I was hurting the woman I loved.

  I squeezed my eyes shut. I was fucking this up even more than I already had. “You’re not nothing, and I’m sorry I ever made you believe that. And you’re right. You absolutely deserve more, better.”

  “Well, at least we agree on something,” she said with a deep sigh. “But, otherwise, it seems as if we’re at an impasse.” She moved for the door.

  I couldn’t let her leave. I couldn’t.

  “I sold the Wolfe Group,” I blurted.

  She paused, turning to me. “You did what?” I nodded, and then she asked, “Why?”

  “My heart was no longer in it.” I held her gaze. “A raven-haired beauty ran away with it.”

  She smiled, but it quickly turned into a frown. “I’m glad you realized you needed a change, and I hope you did it because it was what you wanted. Not to prove something to me.”

  “It is what I want, just like you are what I want.” I stepped closer, taking her hands in mine. “You gave me the courage to make a change I’d long desired.”

  If only I could find that same courage in my personal life. But the stakes were different, higher. My relationship with Ian meant more than the money in my bank account. He’d known me before the success, before I was Wolfe, when I was just Jonathan. But Sumner…Sumner was ingrained in me. She was…she understood me, she challenged me, she completed me in a way no woman ever had. I couldn’t let her go.

  “I’m glad,” she said, but her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

  “I want to find a way for us to be together.” I cupped her cheeks. “I will find a way,” I said with more conviction. “Just—” I blew out a breath, brushing my thumbs along her jaw. “Give me tim
e, please. Because I can’t live without you.”

  Her lids fluttered closed, tears falling down her cheeks. I kissed them away, hoping they were tears of happiness.

  I didn’t want to leave any doubt in her mind. “I love you, Sumner.”

  Her shoulders relaxed, eyes opening. “Finally.”

  I chuckled, pressing my lips to hers. This girl was something else. And I loved her. Loved the strength of her spirit and the beauty of her heart. Cherished that I was a part of her past, reveled in the fact that I was part of her present, and hoped I would be her future.

  “I know you asked for time, but I don’t like keeping this secret from my dad,” she finally said, and I nodded. “If you’re serious about us, I want to tell him—sooner rather than later. Because we both know the longer this goes on, the worse it will be when he finds out.”

  “You’re right.” I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. I wanted to keep kissing her and forget all about Ian, but she deserved more than vague promises. “Tomorrow.” I swallowed down the words and the anxiety that idea produced. “I’ll tell him tomorrow—after breakfast.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “We’ll tell him together.”

  Together? She couldn’t be serious. “I’m not sure that’s—”

  She pressed a finger to my lips, her expression unyielding. “We’ll tell him together or not at all.”

  I knew she wouldn’t relent, and I respected her even more for it. She truly was my equal. So, I let out a deep sigh and muttered “Fine” behind her finger.

  I placed my hands on her hips, pulling her against me. “Now that that’s settled…” I leaned down, pressing a kiss to the delicate skin of her neck. I paused, taking a moment to just inhale her, enjoy her. Love her.

  We stood there, arms wrapped around each other, safe in our embrace. Tomorrow, I was going to destroy one of the most important friendships in my life. But this moment—this woman—left no doubt in my mind. I would walk through fire for her.

  “Let’s go upstairs,” I said, wanting nothing more than to be with her. And not in the back of my truck or in the hotel bathroom, but in bed. Where I could worship her body and savor every drop of pleasure.

  “What about Damien?” she asked, giggling as I continued to kiss my way down her neck.

  “I don’t care what you tell him, but get rid of him. Hell, I’ll get rid of him myself.” I moved for the door, and she circled my waist with her arms, pulling me back to her.

  “I’ll take care of it. But we at least have to stay for the speeches.”

  I groaned, knowing she was right. Hell, I was supposed to give one myself.

  “After the speeches, meet me upstairs. Okay?” She peered up at me with the sweetest smile. How could I ever possibly say no?

  “What room are you in?” I asked as she handed me a keycard. Lea had booked a block of rooms for the weekend, insisting that I stay at the hotel so I wouldn’t miss out on anything.

  “Number 440.”

  I pecked her lips. “You go out first.”

  She nodded, her fingertips slipping against my palm as she made her way across the room. When she reached the door, she glanced over her shoulder and grinned at me. “See you soon.”

  I pressed my hand against my hard-on. I couldn’t believe I was letting her go. But I told myself it was just for a little longer. After a sufficient amount of time had passed, I left the bathroom and made my way toward the ballroom.

  “Jonathan Wolfe, right?” a guy in a suit asked.

  I hesitated, then said, “Yeah.”

  “Oh, thank god.” His shoulders relaxed, and he pressed a button on his headset. “I found him.”

  I furrowed my brow. “I’m sorry, but do I know you?”

  He shook his head and held out his hand to shake. “I’m Landon, and I’m with Juliana Wright Events.” Then he added, “The event planner for Ian’s birthday weekend. We’re about to do the slideshow and speeches.”

  I was going to have to toast Ian and pretend I hadn’t just kissed his daughter. Hadn’t told her I loved her and would do anything to be with her. I’d never felt so torn—between my loyalty to Ian and my love for Sumner.

  “It’s okay if you didn’t prepare,” Landon said, misinterpreting my anxiety as he guided me toward the ballroom. “You can wing it.” He leaned in and lowered his voice. “Most people do.”

  “Right.” I smoothed my hand down my shirt, following him to the front of the room. I grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter, taking a large gulp.

  “No birthday party would be complete without some toasts,” the blonde spoke from the stage, microphone in hand.

  I tuned out her words, my attention focused on Sumner, who was standing near the stage, drink in hand. Damien was at her side, and I nearly growled at him. She gave me a subtle shake of the head, just as I heard my name called.

  Ian and Lea stood at the side of the stage, warm smiles on their faces. They were happy, buzzed, and they had no fucking clue. No one does, I thought when the room burst into applause. I climbed the stairs to the raised platform and accepted the microphone.

  “Ian.” I cleared my throat. Fuck.

  “You can be an annoying ass at times,” I said, and he chuckled, flipping me off on the side of his glass. I took that as a good sign. “But you’re also one of the most loyal, persistent, smartest people I know.”

  I inhaled a deep breath. I’d intended to keep this short and sweet, but if Sumner and I were going to tell him about us tomorrow, this might be the last time he looked at me without hating my guts. So, for once, I didn’t hold back. By the time I was done, the crowd had laughed and cried, and I had even wiped away a tear. So many incredible years of friendship.

  “That was a really nice speech, Jonathan,” Lea said, pulling me into a hug.

  “Thanks.”

  Ian slapped my back. “Must be the girl,” he teased, but I could tell he was just as affected as me. Though I stiffened at his words.

  “What girl?” Lea asked, her ears perking up. She was always trying to set everyone up. She said it was because she was so happy with Ian that she wanted everyone to get to experience that type of love. I’d never understood until now, until Sumner.

  “He was seeing some girl this summer, and he’s been such a mopey bastard lately. Does this mean you fixed things with her?”

  I nodded, watching Sumner approach out of the corner of my eye.

  “That’s great, Jonathan.” Lea grinned. “When do we get to meet her?”

  “Thanks,” I said, my stomach churning. “Tomorrow,” I blurted. “I’m bringing her to breakfast.”

  Lea clapped her hands together, and Ian wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “Oh, I’m so happy for you.”

  I chuckled, though it felt as if I were choking. Fuck. This was so fucking messed up. Thankfully, before they could pry further, Juliana finished introducing Sumner. Sumner stood on the stage full of grace and poise. She spoke with such eloquence and love, and it was clear that Ian was proud of her.

  He leaned over to me at one point. “You did a great job with her this summer. She really blossomed during her internship.”

  How the hell was I supposed to respond to that? I couldn’t. So, I didn’t say anything, keeping my attention on the stage.

  I stayed at the party a while longer before slipping out. After a quick stop by my room to grab my bag, I headed for Room 440 and Sumner. By the time I finally made it, I was fucking drained. And she was just as quiet, undressing before the mirror with a contemplative expression that spoke of sadness. For me, at least—and I assumed for Sumner as well—the reality of what we were doing was sinking in. The possibility that, come tomorrow, my best friend would hate me and her father likely wouldn’t speak to her. We climbed into bed, and I pulled her to me, tucking her into my side.

  “My dad seemed so happy tonight.” Her voice was wistful and tinged with regret.

  “Are you having second thoughts?” I asked when she sniffled.
/>   She spun to face me. “Are you?”

  “About us?” I brushed her hair over her shoulder. “Never. But I think we both know things will change tomorrow.”

  She nodded, burying her head in my chest. “I just… I hope he can accept us.”

  I hope he can forgive us.

  I didn’t want to promise anything I couldn’t guarantee. Instead of answering, I slanted my mouth over hers, losing myself in her touch. And when we made love that time, it was slower, more deliberate. It felt even more amazing than I remembered, even better now that I’d stopped fighting this, us.

  Us. I’d never really been part of an “us,” apart from a failed engagement. Rachel and I hadn’t belonged together; we never should’ve let it get that far. But Sumner… Wrong as we were in many ways, we were right in so many others. In the ones that really mattered. Hell, I was about to risk the single most important relationship in my life to be with her.

  I lay awake for a long time, staring at the ceiling and thinking about life. I must have drifted off at some point, but when her alarm chimed, I didn’t feel rested. Far from it—I’d barely slept, and I didn’t think Sumner had fared much better. But we got up and pretended as if everything was fine. We showered and got ready, neither one of us speaking much.

  I stood before the bathroom mirror, and she turned me to face her, smoothing down my collar. “Ready to take a risk?”

  I nodded. “Are you?”

  She pressed her lips to mine. “Let’s do this.”

  With time, Ian would forgive her, love her. But he’d be looking for someone to blame, and that blame would fall squarely on my shoulders, rightfully so. I just wondered if our friendship would ever be the same.

  Sumner and I were the first to arrive at the restaurant. Sumner kept turning her bracelets on her wrists, fidgeting with the napkin, anything. I placed my hand over hers but quickly removed it when I spotted Ian and Lea making their way over from the hostess stand.