by Sharp, Tracy
“Jesus.” Jack moved a hand over his face. “The hits just keep on coming.”
“It’s a tall order,” I said. “I’m really looking for a silver lining here, Lucas.”
He shrugged, shaking his head. “Sorry Leah. I have no bright light for you. But I can tell you that this is a really nasty guy. And if you can get that girl out of there, you’ll be saving her and her baby.”
I sighed.
“God helps those who help themselves,” Jack said, a grin on his face. “Let God be your co-pilot.”
I barked out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, well I hope he’s not nodding off at the wheel.”
***
Declan Manning didn’t want to talk to us. He politely refused to meet with us, stating that he didn’t do deprogramming work anymore. Lucas had told us that Declan had written several books on cults and was now writing suspense fiction. He’d pretty much removed himself from any kind of cult work whatsoever. His books had spent time on the bestseller lists, all of them, so he really didn’t have to work, other than writing.
Convincing him to help this girl would be a quite the trick.
Lucas had given us a few places to look for Declan if he wasn’t home. One of those places was a local bar with a saloon atmosphere where he sat with his laptop and sipped dark beer. The Lone Star was quiet when we walked in. The dinner rush was over, and Declan was at a corner booth at the back of the place, right where Lucas had said he’d be.
He looked up from his laptop as we approached. “I’ll thank you kindly to get the hell out of here and leave me alone. Or you can stay, order food at another table, and leave me alone. As long as you leave me alone, we’ll be okay.”
“We can’t leave without at least trying. We need your help, Declan.” I slid into the booth beside him. Jack slid in opposite him.
“This conversation is about to have an unhappy ending,” Declan said, his eyes hooded. He looked like he’d been around the block a time or two. Lucas had shown us a picture of the two of them fishing. He’d been a clean cut man back then. Dark hair clipped neatly, clean shaven. Smiling, eyes looking right at the camera.
He didn’t look that way now.
His hair had all but turned white, and had grown out so that it curled around his neck and the sides of his face. He’d grown a beard, and although he apparently kept it trimmed, it was still there. For such a neat, clean cut guy, it was a change. It appeared that he wasn’t all that concerned with appearances any longer. Still, I liked his face. It had character, and I could see the intelligence in his eyes.
“Look. I understand why you’re pissed off. I’d be prickly too. In fact, I am prickly. Jack dragged me into a case I wanted nothing to do with. I wanted to sit in a bar and hit on a guy I have no business hitting on. I wanted to be blissfully ignorant of cases that would tear me apart. But you know what? Here I am.”
“I’ve lost any passion for it, Ms. Ryan. I don’t have the heart for it. Without the heart, you better throw in the towel. It’s just not worth the grief.”
“I don’t think you’ve lost the heart for it. I think you lost your nerve.” I stared right into his eyes, not backing down.
His face grew hard and his skin flushed. He wasn’t happy with me. “You might think you know what I’m feeling. What I’m thinking. But you don’t know, okay lady? You have no damned idea.”
“Yes,” I said. “I do.”
He watched me, his jaw set, his lips pressed together.
“I lost one too, Declan. Seventeen years old. Her nut job boyfriend kidnapped her at gunpoint. Wouldn’t take ‘it’s over’ for an answer. Her parents hired me to find them and bring her back. I did that. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t nice. But I got her home safely.”
He looked down at the keys of his laptop, but he was listening. The hard set of his jaw softening.
“That same night, he broke into the house through a sliding glass door in the middle of the night and slit her throat while she lay sleeping.”
He didn’t look at me, but his head bowed a little, and he stayed silent.
“I was in the next room, staying close, just in case. I didn’t hear a thing.” I heard my voice crack and I hated it. But he needed to hear this.
Finally he looked up at me. The hard edge gone.
“So yeah. I do know,” I said. “But I’m here, Declan. Because a girl who was impregnated by a cult leader. Whose offspring are mysteriously dying, according to him, is still there. She’s eight months pregnant, and completely brainwashed by this guy.”
He looked down and gave a heavy sigh. “Shit.”
Jack and I briefly looked at each other. My heart lifted. We’d both had that look on Declan’s face many times over the years. It meant he was going to help us.
“We do this my way,” he said. “No arguing. No deviations. It’s the only way I’ll do this. Otherwise people will die. Okay?”
“People may die anyway,” Jack said. “But, hey, this is your baby.”
“Thank you, Declan. You are saving lives here,” I said.
“And I’m happy to do that.” He ran a hand over his face. “It’s the casualties I’m worried about. There are always casualties.”
“We’ll do our best to prevent that. But that’s what happens in a war,” Jack said.
***
We formulated a plan. Julia would have to be kidnapped and placed in a location where she would have no access to television or people, except for the deprogrammers. She’d been brainwashed for months. It would take some intense work to turn her mind around.
I would be the one to approach her. Noel told us that several of Gabriel’s wives were driven into town each Wednesday to get groceries and other things that they may need at the compound. Julia was allowed to go because she was one of the newer wives, and she was carrying Gabriel’s baby. Noel said that Gabriel was especially hard on the pregnant women. He worked them hard cleaning and running errands, arguing that it was good for their bodies to stay active. Noel thought he enjoyed watching them struggle.
It was late by the time we’d finished planning. I was tired and drained, and I wanted to curl up under the covers and steal Cal’s warmth. I’m usually cold, where Cal is a furnace. He’s always hot.
He was up when I got home; watching TV. The remote in his hand and he was sitting way back on the couch. His legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles. He was waiting for me. I sighed. I was dreading this talk, but if it were going to happen, it would have to be now. I wasn’t going to have much time for talk after tonight.
He looked up at me, brown eyes unreadable.
“Hey,” I said, standing next to him.
“Hey.” He stretched his arm out and took my hand in his, pulling me down onto his lap.
“Whoa!” I laughed as I landed.
He smiled at me, his face close to mine. His eyes soft, wistful. “Now that’s the laugh I love.”
I said nothing, felt my smile fall away. My heart ached. It was a lonely kind of feeling. Like there was a widening gap in my chest and I didn’t know how to fill it.
He leaned down and kissed me, his lips soft and warm. This was the kiss that had healed me time and time again, that had saved me from myself.
He broke the kiss and looked at me, his eyes full of emotion. “I miss you, Leah.”
“I’ve been here for months, Callahan. I’ve been right here with you.” But I knew what he meant. I really hadn’t been. Not the Leah he’d fallen in love with. It’s like I had been missing, even from myself. I looked away, ashamed. I was falling short of what he needed, again. I didn’t know how to fix it, and I didn’t have the energy. But I wanted to.
“You need to do this, don’t you? This case.” His head was bent over me as he watched me.
“I do. I need it to get back to who I was, Cal. You’re not the only one who misses me. I miss me too. I don’t know how to be who I am without doing the things that I’m passionate about. And right now it’s about helping these missing pregn
ant women.” I took a breath, paused. I didn’t know how to say it any better than this. “I’m sorry. I know I made a promise to you that I’d try to work on us. But it isn’t helping us if I can’t be who I am.” I felt a lump rise in my throat and a flood of sadness wash over me. “Callahan, I’m sorry I’m letting you down, but I don’t know what else to do. I just feel…so lost. I love you too.”
He brushed hair from my forehead with the backs of his fingers. He had the most gentle touch I’d ever felt. When Callahan touched me, I felt a sense of calm I’d never felt before. Nobody else had ever made me feel at peace, like he did. Not a soul.
“I know,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. “It’s okay.”
I felt tears slide down my cheeks and he wiped them away. He kissed me again, soft and slow, and he lay me back on the sofa. I took a long, shuddering breath as he kissed my throat. I moved my fingers through his hair, and he lifted my top. I stretched my arms out and he pulled it over my head. I reached down and undid the clasp between my breasts and the white lace bra fell away.
He undid my jeans and pulled them down my legs, dropping them on the floor. Then he kissed his way down my belly, his mouth lingering and gentle. His hands moved slowly over my hips and down my thighs, and my throat tightened over my love for him, and because I felt how much he loved me.
It had been a struggle for me to give Cal what he needed from me. It’s not easy for me to allow myself to love. I’ve always needed him, but letting go and loving him has been hard. It’s been the scariest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve been in some pretty scary situations, both as a repo-woman and as a private investigator. Nothing scares me more than being emotionally vulnerable to someone who means everything to me.
Maybe that’s why I was always finding ways to drive him away. Why he was still with me, I didn’t understand. He’d left me once before, for the same reasons, my inability to commit. My need to put myself into dangerous situations to help somebody who I felt needed the kind of help that very few people could give. I’m one of those people. So is Jack. We will cross pretty much any line to help a person others might consider to be a lost cause. We might be their last hope. That’s the kind of case I can’t walk away from.
My little sister needed somebody like that a very long time ago, and there was nobody like me to help her back then.
In the last few months, I’d thought of her often, and I missed her so much that it almost took my breath away.
“Leah.” Callahan looked at me, chin resting on my belly, eyes misty with need.
“Yeah.” Even now I couldn’t be what he needed, when all he wanted was to be close to me, to reconnect. “I love you.” It had taken a long time for me to admit. It was hard for me to say.
“I know you do. I love you.”
He pulled his t-shirt over his head. Dark curls covered his chest. I’ve always loved that about Callahan. The curls moved down his belly in a line leading downward. He was one of the sexiest men I’d ever known.
He stood long enough to get his jeans off, and then pulled me around so that my head rested against the back of the couch and my back rested on the seat. My hips lay against the edge, and his hands gripped them as he moved between my legs.
I placed my feet on the floor and opened my legs to him. When he entered me I heard my sharp intake of breath as if from far away. He felt so good. He felt like love, redemption and home.
All the things I’ve always wanted. Right there for me. He was a gift that I’d always felt undeserving of.
There was a part of me that I couldn’t give him. The part that he needed the most from me. But I held on to it tightly, as if letting go would be the end of me.
When I cried out, I squeezed my eyes shut.
And wished for all the world that I could change.
***
I didn’t need a photo of Julia to know what she looked like because she was Noel’s identical twin, Noel had shown me one she kept in her wallet taken two autumns ago. They were at a pumpkin patch, and their father had snapped a shot of them sitting on an enormous pumpkin, back to back , giggling at the camera. It was a lovely picture, and it made me sad to know that their lives had been forever changed. They would never be that innocent again. Never be so carefree.
They were truly identical. I couldn’t tell them apart.
But when I first laid eyes on Julia in the flesh, she looked far different than she had in that picture. The smile was long gone. Her once laughing lips turned slightly downwards. She looked at things without really seeing them, as if they didn’t matter at all. She didn’t look at people, but mostly kept her gaze toward the floor.
Noel had told us that Gabriel liked women to be humble. He wouldn’t stand for a woman boldly looking into the face of anyone. His punishments were vicious, isolation without food for an entire day, if you were too disobedient.
I sat on a bench in front of the grocery section of the mall, looking as sad and lost as I could manage. Jack had parked next to their Excursion. He had a truck big enough for at least eight people to pile into. The plan was for me to talk to her. Be invited to go with them. Declan had given me some small bugs to attach to an article of at least one cult member’s clothing, or bag. This was important, because we needed to know who else would be getting pregnant.
We’d walk back to the van with them, where Jack and Declan would jump out of the SUV and shove Julia into it. We’d race to the location where we’d keep her for as long as it took to deprogram her from the brainwashing and manipulation she’d been subjected to.
It wasn’t a perfect plan, but I liked the simplicity of it. The simpler the plan was, the less likely it was to fall apart, less room for error. I really didn’t want any errors.
I nibbled on a thumbnail, hoping to look nervous and pathetic. I stared at the ground then looked into the grocery store with longing eyes.
I glanced toward the entrance of the mall and there they were. Three women were walking with Gabriel. He turned to them and within a split second they were smiling brightly. Time for the show. Everyone was happy, happy. He smiled back at them, and I was taken aback at how beautiful he was. A head of wavy blonde hair and an open face, he looked like an angel. I was sure that must help with his recruiting of members. Particularly women. Even with the smiles, it was clear that the women stayed slightly behind Gabriel. And if you looked closely, each woman had a place in line behind him, even though that line wasn’t obvious. I imagined that the women were placed in order of importance.
And then it dawned on me. The women moved so slowly, shuffling, because they were favoring some part of their body. I was willing to bet that sore feet played a factor in the slow walk. Bruised legs and the bottoms of their feet, it was a way of beating somebody without leaving visible marks. Then make the disobeying, bold girl walk on them. Carry bags of groceries, putting more pressure on their feet. It was especially bad for a pregnant woman.
Noel had said that there were times when if one of the women misbehaved, all of the women were punished. Noel had escaped. They’d all taken at least a beating for that. It was much more preferable to be standing under the warmth of his approval. Standing on feet that weren’t so sore you wanted to scream.
Whoever was winning his approval at the moment got to be in the first spot. Julia was at the front of the line. Lucky her.
I took all this in within a second, I then looked away, back at the grocery store. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that he’d spotted me. It only took a few seconds for him to come up beside me, women in tow.
“What’s the matter, little one?” He asked me.
I looked up at him, eyes wary, and looked away, “Nothing.”
“Are you sure?” He cocked his head a little. “You look awfully sad.”
“I’ll be fine.” I glanced back at him, then away. Furtive little looks.
“Are you hungry?” He asked me.
I gazed up at him, “Maybe. A little.”
He laughed, his head tipped b
ack. “Well, it just so happens that our Julia is making a feast for us tonight. We could use a pair of hands to help organize and clean up. There’s free food involved. As much as you can eat, also as much as you can carry home with you.”
He was clever as hell. Not treating me like a charity case but like a potential helping hand. Nobody likes to beg.
I hesitated, still watching him. “You really need help?”
His bright, cunning smile revealed small, even teeth. “We really do. Ask the girls. This is Julia, Kelly and Meredith.”
The “girls” each offered me a cheerful smile and took turns hugging me.
“So what do you say?” He kneeled down, taking both my hands in his. Turkey dinner with all the fixings. It’s Thanksgiving, sweetheart. Come on home.”
Tomorrow was Thanksgiving. How could I forget? A pang of guilt went through me. I hadn’t made any plans with Callahan. I’d have to make it up to him. Cook a nice dinner for him tomorrow. I’d have to go shopping after we got Julia to safety.
I knew I was kidding myself. I wouldn’t go grocery shopping. I’d be too caught up in getting Julia situated and making sure she was alright.
But I would make it up to him. There was a long list of things I had to make up for, too long to count.
“What’s your name, little one?” He knelt in front of me, looking into my eyes.
“Leah,” I said. Not even bothering to think up a fake name.
His eyes were green, like the shade of a river in early morning. I could see how people got caught in those eyes.
“Leah.” He tried my name on his tongue, and it sounded deep and smooth. “Would you be so kind as to help us with our dinner? We really need your help.”
I paused a heartbeat longer. If we kidnapped Julia, the other women at the commune would suffer. I offered him an unsure smile. “Sure.”
So I went grocery shopping with them. We picked up five turkeys and about a ton of potatoes and vegetables. We had everything we needed to cook a Thanksgiving feast fit for any cult giving thanks, for whatever cults give thanks for.