Tanner deserved someone who could truly love him and give him every bit of themselves. Temperance didn’t have anything left to give to anyone she struggled enough to give her son what he needed and even then she failed.
Temperance made her way up the stairs to the third floor where Tanner was sleeping. It was well after dark and given the journey that Tanner had, she was certain the man would probably be sleeping… maybe she should come back in the morning.
Temperance shook her head. That was simply her fear talking.
They needed to talk tonight about Jackson, about the prison, about her refusing his letters and sending none of her own. There were so many unspoken issues between them and Temperance wanted them resolved. She didn’t want them plaguing her the rest of her life after she and Jackson left here.
And they had to leave here. Now that Tanner was out of prison the plantation would once again become his.
Temperance felt no sadness, at least none that she would ever voice. Attachments were dangerous and so she had worked hard to sever any she had had to the people here and keep from forming new ones. She had no idea where she and Jackson would go but she knew that she would find a way to give her son a life.
With a shuddering breath, Temperance knocked on the bedroom door. She waited several long moments and finally the door was pulled open and she found herself looking once again at the only man in her entire adult life to ever make her feel safe or cared for.
“Temp?” Tanner wiped at his sleepy eyes. “Is everything okay?”
Temperance nodded quickly. “Yes… I just needed to talk with you.”
Tanner was quick to step aside and motion her in. Temperance didn’t even hesitate before stepping into the room. It was something that would have terrified her and had her frozen in place with any other man, being alone in a room, especially at night, but with Tanner she felt no fear at all.
“What’s on your mind, Temperance?” Tanner asked gently.
Temperance glanced around the room. The blankets and pillows were gone from the bed. Temperance frowned. Where were they? Her gaze went to the open French doors and she realized that Tanner had made himself a bed out on the balcony.
He followed his gaze and rubbed at his neck. “I spent a long time sleeping in a box,” he said in answer to her unspoken question. “I like having the sky above me.”
“I’m sorry, Tanner. If I had been strong enough to leave… or to beat him myself without involving you…”
“You don’t get to do that, Temperance,” Tanner scolded gently. “You don’t get to take all that blame on yourself and hide behind it. I made my own choices and I’d make them again if given the chance.”
Temperance just swallowed hard and went to the chair to sit down. “Are you happy to be home?” she asked.
“Yes.” Tanner met her gaze and held it. “I missed it something terrible.”
“Tanner, about the letters….”
“Why did you do that to me?” he questioned and Temperance heard the hurt and the pain in his voice. She quickly looked down at her folded hands so she wouldn’t have to see the same emotions shining in his eyes.
“I had to, Tanner. It hurt too bad to lose you and I couldn’t cope… and then, once I realized I was carrying his child, I had no choice… I couldn’t do that to you.”
“Do what to me?” Tanner demanded.
“Cause you that guilt of knowing that Trevor had a son…”
“He doesn’t have a son. Trevor is not that boy’s father and Jackson will never hear anything different.”
“But Tanner, he is his father! What am I supposed to tell people? The boy has to have a father! His birth record is blank because I refused to answer… I couldn’t say that terrible name. People in town already whisper and ask questions… they have rumors…”
“What kinds of rumors?” Tanner interrupted.
Temperance shook her head. “I’m not going to repeat gossip.”
“I already know, Temp. Some of the workers told me today. They whisper that you were unfaithful to Trevor. That that is what pushed him over the edge and your lover was forced to kill the man in a jealous rage. And that’s why you left that birth record blank with no father to sign the line because he was rotting in prison.”
“Tanner, I didn’t start those lies!” Temperance assured him quickly, tears filling her eyes as she rose from the chair and wrung her hands. “Please don’t be angry!”
“Why would I be angry at you over what they say?” Tanner questioned calmly.
Temperance searched his face but could not tell what he was thinking. She swallowed hard. “Because I didn’t start the rumors, but I didn’t counter their lies either. In a way I…” Temperance stopped and dashed for the door.
It was all suddenly too much and she had to get out of this room. The emotions she was feeling were overwhelming her. Pain, guilt, hope, and something else… something dangerous and outrageous that she had no right whatsoever feeling for Tanner, not after what she had done to him.
Before Temperance could reach the door, Tanner was blocking her way. He put his hands on her cheeks in a firm, but tender touch and forced her to look up at his face. “What Temperance? In a way you what?”
Temperance heaved with the effort she was using to fight back her tears. She licked her trembling lips and focused her gaze on his mouth to avoid his eyes. “In a way I wanted it to be true. I wanted him to be yours so badly.”
Temperance spared a glance to his eyes to see them widen with surprise. He opened his mouth, but Temperance jerked away from him, “Please, Tanner… Let me go. I’m tired. Please… Let me go to bed.”
Tanner sighed and nodded. He stepped to the side and opened the door. “Rest well, Temp. We still have a lot to talk about.”
“No, we don’t.” Temperance shook her head and ran away once again.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Tanner woke the next morning with determination. He was going to talk to Temperance today and he wasn’t going to let her run away from him. Three times the woman had fled with a million things still left to say between them, that was over.
He loved her and, come hell or high water, the woman was going to let him help her, or at least open up to him the way he deserved. He would make her see that she could trust him, she could count on him and he would never ask her for a single thing in return, other than what she found herself capable of giving him.
And then there was Jackson. Tanner had a very serious request he needed to ask of Temperance in regards to Jackson.
Tanner was on his way down to the main floor when raised voices from the kitchen had him hastening his pace. As he neared he was able to make out words.
“No, mommy! No, I don’t want to leave!” Jackson cried loudly.
“Jackson, we have to. This isn’t our home any longer.” Temperance’s voice was calm, almost emotionless, and it caused Tanner’s blood to turn cold.
“No, mommy! I can’t leave my ponies!”
“Jackson, this isn’t our home any longer…”
“Temperance, I think you should discuss this with Tanner,” Wilma’s voice cut in and Tanner recognized Felix’s voice agreeing as well as the three other younger girls that worked here.
Tanner stepped into the kitchen and took in the sight of Jackson with a tear-streaked face and bright red cheeks staring pleadingly up at Temperance who was staring at the wall instead of her son and had a blank expression on her face.
“Temperance, listen to Wilma now. You need to go have a talk with Tanner. I don’t think he’ll agree with you’re doing,” Felix insisted.
“Of course I won’t,” Tanner stated as he came to a stop and crossed his arms over his chest. “You aren’t going to leave here, Temp.”
Temperance turned slowly, but Tanner realized she was looking at his chest instead of his face. He took a deep breath and willed himself to remain calm and patient.
“Tanner, this is your home,’ Temperance whispered.
“No,
it’s our home!” Jackson exclaimed with clenched fists and a loud sniff.
Tanner nodded. “That’s right, Jackson. It’s our home.”
“Tanner, please don’t do this…” Temperance pleaded.
Tanner shook his head and grabbed her hands gently. He felt her stiffen and attempt to pull away, but he held her in a tender, but firm grasp. “Don’t do this, Temp. Please, don’t leave. You know how I feel about you. I’ve not made it a secret. I would never ask you to leave here and take that boy away from his home…”
“Tanner, I can’t be what you want…” Temperance insisted, a single tear slipping down her cheek.
Tanner released his hold on one of her hands and used his thumb to swipe that tear away, “And how do you know that? How do you know what I want?”
Temperance attempted to pull her hand away again, but again he held it firm. Uneasiness entered her emerald green eyes. “Let me go,” she hissed, jerking her hand again.
Tanner quickly released his hold, held his hands up, and took a step back. “You don’t have to be afraid of me, Temp. Deep down inside you know that. I would never hurt you, not for anything in this world.”
“Tanner, I’ve thought about this and it’s for the best.”
“No, it’s not,” Tanner insisted, working hard to ignore Jackson’s protests and the muttering going on between Felix, Wilma, and the others. He wanted all his focus to be on Temperance. Her eyes were full of fear and pain. Her freckled cheeks were flushed and she looked exhausted. If he had to guess, he would say she hadn’t slept the night before.
“Yes it is,” she insisted.
Tanner was working hard to maintain his patience. He knew that getting irritated and losing his temper would only increase her pain, fear and determination to leave. He rubbed at his neck and sighed. “Let’s go somewhere private and talk it over. We have some things to discuss that I think would be best not heard by little ears.”
Temperance shook her head once again. “No. There’s nothing to talk about.” She turned her back on him and pointed at Jackson. “Get upstairs and gather up a few of your favorite toys. We will send for the rest once we get settled…”
Jackson began to wail. Tears streamed down Wilma’s cheeks and Felix cursed under his breath.
Tanner shook his head and growled low in his throat. There was no way he was letting this woman leave. He loved her, he needed her, and he couldn’t let her go. If leaving was what she truly wanted and if leaving would help her heal then Tanner would forget about his own needs and the way she made him feel inside and he would help her pack, but, he knew that she was just running away and it wouldn’t fix anything. If she left in the shape she was in now, she would spend the rest of her life with that lifelessness in her eyes and that wasn’t something he could allow.
Not only that, but Jackson was a good boy, he was blood and he needed a father. Since most of the world already seemed to think that Tanner was his father, Tanner simply couldn’t see any reason why he shouldn’t take on that role. Every boy needed a father, a good father, and Tanner knew he could be that.
He tried to speak calmly, but Temperance was on a roll, dishing out orders, and clearly unwilling to listen. So, hating that he had do things this way, but seeing no other way to do it, Tanner stepped forward, lifted Jackson into his arms and propped the child on his hip.
When Temperance’s green eyes widened with shock and the kitchen finally fell silent, Tanner spoke, “You’re not taking my son anywhere.”
Silence fell over the kitchen.
It was a silence so intense and complete that a pin could have been heard striking against the tile floor.
Tanner saw the disbelief and pain in Temperance’s eyes and it broke his heart. Damn her for making him do that this way! He had wanted to talk to her calmly about this. He had wanted to get her alone and tell her he wished to be the boy’s father. He had wanted to let her know calmly that being Jackson’s father was something he truly wanted and that it didn’t mean Temperance had to give him anything in return…
“How dare you,” Temperance gasped as she stumbled back several steps.
“You’re my daddy?”
Tanner looked at the boy’s face. His freckles so much like his mother and those emerald green eyes that were so familiar. He had Tanner’s nose, Tanner’s lips, Tanner’s jaw, and brow… It was as if he had been made to be his son. Their son.
“Yes,” Tanner replied with a warm smile, the first truly happy smile he had smiled in a long, long time. “Yeah, I’m your daddy.”
“Where have you been?” Jackson asked as he tilted his head and frowned.
Tanner swallowed hard. “I had some adult things to take care of, but I’m here now,” Tanner met Temperance’s gaze, “…and I’m never going away again.”
“Jackson, I want you to go outside and play,” Temperance said firmly.
“But, mommy, I want to talk to my daddy,” Jackson whined.
“You better do as she says,” Tanner insisted gently as he sat the boy on his feet. “I’ll be out just as soon as we’re done talking.”
In seconds, Tanner found himself alone with Temperance as even Wilma and the others left in a rush. Anger flashed in Temperance’s green eyes and she glared up at him. “How dare you use my son to get your way with me.”
Tanner shook his head. “You know good and well that’s not what I’m doing.”
“Do I?” Temperance demanded. “I wanted to leave and you told him that so I couldn’t leave. How is that not using him to get your way?”
“Damn it, Temperance! Stop treating me like I’m the enemy! I love you and if leaving here would help you heal then, hell, I’d help you pack your bags! But leaving here won’t help you and isn’t really what you want. And telling the boy that I’m his father had nothing to do with you. I want to be his father. A boy needs a good one and I think I can be that for him.”
“I won’t let you use him to force me…”
Tanner had enough. He strode across the kitchen, closed the distance between them, and clenched his fists at his sides. “You’ll stop now. You’ve spent five years putting walls up and not letting anyone in other than that boy. I understand that you’ve been hurt and I understand the pain you feel, damn woman, you have no idea what I’ve been through in my life, so trust me when I say that I get it.” Tanner pointed to his chest, “I know what it feels like to have no hope and to turn yourself off in order to spare yourself from that littlest chance that you’ll be hurt again. Don’t treat me like I’m those men. Don’t treat me like I am that kind of monster.”
“Tanner, let me go… please…” Temperance tried to get around him, but he wouldn’t let her leave the corner she was standing in.
“No, you’re done running away from me. I care about you, Temperance. I know how strong you are deep down, now you just have to realize it too. I am Jackson’s father and that’s all he, or the rest of the world, ever needs to know. I did that for him, and for me, but it wasn’t about you. I would never force you to be with me. I would never do what those men did to you and you damned well know that.”
“Tanner, I can’t…”
“You can, Temperance.” Tanner’s tone softened and he put his finger under her chin and tilted her head up so that he could look into her eyes. He saw the emotions shining out them. There was fear, yes, but there was also hope and what he hoped was love. “Let me in, sweetheart. You don’t have to hide from me or from anyone else any longer. The pain is over… let it end.”
Their eyes remained locked for several long moments and then Temperance simply crumpled against him.
Her body fell into his as sobs wracked her frame. Her hands gripped his shirt tightly and she buried her head in his chest.
Tanner felt relief flow through him. She hadn’t run. She hadn’t turned herself off. She was letting the pain come out and Tanner prayed that this was the first step in what he was sure would be a long road to recovery for Temperance.
He held her tight an
d kissed her hair as she continued to sob, shake and shudder. “There you go, Temp. Let it all out, sweetheart. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Temperance stared at herself in the mirror of her bedroom. When she looked upon herself like this there were no physical signs of the abuse she had suffered other than a small scar just above her lip. Temperance’s bruises had long since healed and gone away--only when she wore no clothes could true physical evidence be seen in the tangle of scars that marred her back.
The physical healing had been the easy part. How did one heal their spirit?
Temperance thought about the events of that morning and realized that Tanner had been right--she had been running scared. She’d been scared of being happy. Scared of feeling that hope that seeing Tanner’s face made her feel. She was terrified to love him.
But he had been right about something else.
She had to let it end.
The fear, the pain, the constant fight to remain distant from everyone was slowly killing her. It was eating her alive and Temperance had to learn how to let go. She had to figure out how to heal. But how did one go about doing that?
How did you conquer a fear of the unexpected when the unexpected could happen at any time. Tanner claimed he would never leave, never be gone again, but he couldn’t truly promise that.
Tomorrow he could get arrested.
He could get killed.
Or he could develop a cough and a fever and die in her arms.
Temperance shivered.
It had been a long time since she’d let herself think about her family and what had happened to them. Something like that could happen any day, any time. She could lose Tanner, Wilma, Felix…. Jackson.
Suddenly, Temperance couldn’t seem to breathe… the air had been sucked from the room and no more remained to fill her lungs. She gulped, panted, and clutched at her chest. She needed air!
“Child!” Wilma’s voice was full of alarm as it filled the room. Temperance met her gaze and Wilma crouched in front of the chair. “Breathe, Temperance. In and out.”
Against Her Will Page 16