Slowly, Temperance mimicked the pattern of breathing that Wilma showed her and she felt her heart slowing down. Temperance swallowed hard.
“Are ya okay now?” Wilma inquired.
“Yes,” Temperance whispered.
Wilma stood straight and adjusted her apron. “What brought that about?”
“I’m okay now,’ Temperance replied, not wanting to voice her fears aloud.
Wilma shook her head. “I want to know what brought that upon ya, Temperance. Now, darlin’, we used to be friends…”
“We’re still friends,” Temperance quietly interjected.
Wilma’s brown eyes widened. “Are we?”
“Yes,” Temperance insisted. She swallowed hard and met Wilma’s gaze. “I’m sorry I hurt you… It was easier to simply turn off then to face my fears.”
Wilma nodded and crouched down once again. She took Temperance’s hands gently in her own and Temperance’s lip began to tremble. “What fear was it that ya are afraid of facin’?” Wilma asked gently.
“The unexpected,” Temperance replied, though it took every ounce of courage she had left to say those words out loud.
“The unexpected?” Wilma frowned. “What do ya mean, child?”
Temperance’s gaze went upward as she breathed out slowly and fought back tears. Her hands trembled in Wilma’s gentle grasp but the woman didn’t let her go. “Bad things in life happen unexpectedly, Wilma. Terrible things. My life has been turned upside down so many times by things that I could have never seen coming….”
Wilma smiled gently. “Ya can’t live your life fearin’ the unexpected, child. None of us know exactly what’s comin’ our way each day we step out of our beds. But the unexpected ain’t always bad.”
“It is,” Temperance insisted.
Wilma shook her head. “Did ya expect to have yourself fall so deep in love with that boy that’s blessed to have ya as a mama? Did ya expect to have Tanner show up five years ago and end the daily abuse we was all livin’ through? Did ya expect him to show up just yesterday? Did ya expect to find folks that love and care about ya here when ya first arrived? I could keep goin’, but I think ya have the idea…”
Temperance didn’t respond.
Wilma sighed. “I brought ya your lunch, child,” she informed her as she released her hold on Temperance’s hands and stood up. “Though I’ll warn ya that Tanner said if ya do not join him and Jackson for dinner he would come up here and carry ya down himself.”
“I’ll come out before then,” Temperance promised.
Temperance found herself alone moments later. It surprised Temperance that Wilma had stayed and attempted conversation with her after the years of veritable silence between them. Wilma had given up on the conversation quickly but Temperance couldn’t blame the woman. The walls around herself were her own doing and it seemed everyone had simply gotten tired of trying to climb them or break them down.
Everyone except Tanner.
Just the thought of his name seemed to warm her tired soul.
Temperance worked hard to keep her thoughts on more positive things as she ate her lunch. She thought of what Wilma had said and realized the woman had made a valid point. Good things could happen unexpectedly as well, but that didn’t take away Temperance’s fear of the bad.
Shaking her head, she thought of her horses--which she had truly developed a passion for. Tanner had been right--she had not wanted to leave here. This plantation, while it had started out as a hellish prison, had now become her home and it was the place that she wanted to raise her son.
Tanner’s son.
While a part of Temperance would always whisper the truth of Jackson’s conception another part, a larger part, couldn’t help, but feel that this was how it should have been.
If only there had been no Robert, no sickness, no Yancy, no Trevor… if only she could have met Tanner in another time, another place, and they could have properly courted, fallen in love, had a true family without all the hurt and all the pain.
Could they still have that life?
Temperance had no idea.
But what she did know was that he was right. She couldn’t keep holding on to her past. And she also knew that she needed him and his support if she was going to have any kind of a future that included her finding true peace with who she was and the events that had shaped her.
A short time later, Temperance stepped out into the afternoon sunlight and for the first time in a very long time she took a moment to simply enjoy the way the warmth of the sun felt against her face.
She heard laughter and her eyes followed the sound to see her son, Felix, Tanner, and two other men who worked the ranch, one a former slave and one a white man that they’d hired on after a worker left to start a family somewhere else.
Jackson was on his pony, Storm, and Tanner was leading the horse around by the bridle. They were both smiling, laughing and seemed made to be right there together. Temperance watched the scene and simply soaked in the reality that one of the dreams she had dared allow herself to dream was finally a truth.
Her son had a father. Her son had Tanner.
She had Tanner.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Temperance found herself unable to sleep that night. Her mind would not turn off and rest. Instead, it remained focused on Tanner. She wanted to be near him. They had spoken some throughout the day. It had mostly been small talk and conversations focused around Jackson since the boy had been glued to their sides all evening.
Jackson was fascinated with hearing stories about his father.
Temperance knew there was more they needed to talk about. She needed to ensure that Tanner truly wanted the parental responsibility he had taken on today and she needed to also ensure that he knew what he was signing up for when saying that he loved her… Temperance was broken and she needed to make sure that Tanner knew just how severely.
Rising from her bed, Temperance slipped into her robe and stepped out into the hall. She walked to Jackson’s room and peeked in at the slumbering child. He was snoring softly and sound asleep beneath his blankets. Temperance simply gazed upon her son for several long moments. That boy was all that had kept her from taking her own life these last five years. He gave her a reason to need to get up every morning and she loved him with everything that she had.
After closing the door silently, Temperance went down to the second floor and walked to Tanner’s door. She took a deep breath to steady the nerves that were dancing wildly around in her stomach.
She raised a trembling hand but before she could knock, the door opened and Tanner’s eyes widened in surprise. “What are you doing still awake?” he asked.
“I could ask you the same question,” Temperance replied.
Tanner shoved his hand through is thick hair. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“Me either,” Temperance agreed.
Tanner nodded and motioned for her to come in the room. Temperance quickly stepped past him and he led her out onto the balcony where Temperance noticed he once again had a bed made.
“Tanner, it’s looking like it might rain,” she noted as a gust of summer wind blew against them and she pulled her robe tighter. “You should really move your bed inside.”
“I will,” Tanner assured her, though Temperance had a suspicion that he was lying.
“Is there something you’d like to talk about?” she asked as she settled down into the iron chair and looked out over the dark fields. “You can talk to me about things, you know.”
“I know I can,” Tanner replied, lounging against the doorjamb. Temperance could feel his blue gray eyes traveling over her body and she pulled her robe a little tighter and turned away from him just a little more. “And you know you can talk to me about things sometime other than just the middle of the night. We don’t have to sneak around the way we did before.”
“I’m not sneaking,” Temperance assured him pointedly. “I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to be near you.”
&nbs
p; She hadn’t meant to say that last bit, but was thankful that she had when she heard Tanner laugh lightly. She had never heard that sound before and it was a truly wonderful sound. It was deep and full of goodness, it reminded Temperance of her father’s laugh.
“Well then we have something in common,” Tanner replied as he crouched down and tapped at a stone pillar. “I couldn’t sleep because I wanted to be near you too, Temp.”
Temperance bit her lip. “I really missed you, Tanner.”
“I really missed you too.”
“I’m sorry for what I put you through, Tanner. I’m sorry I pushed you away.”
Tanner shrugged. “It hurt. I won’t lie to you. It damn near killed and I was angry for a while. But that anger didn’t last long. When I got out, I wanted to see you. I needed to see for myself whether you were okay or not. If you were happily married and living a good life then I would have walked away and been satisfied knowing that what I had done hadn’t been for nothing even if I couldn’t be with you.”
“I haven’t been truly happy in a long time,” Temperance replied honestly. “I love Jackson and the happiest I am is when I’m with my son. It took a while before I could look at him without crying because of the memories he forced me to see in my mind. But I knew I couldn’t punish him for that, I couldn’t punish him for an evil that he had no part in.”
Tanner tipped his head. “You’re a good mother, Temperance. He’s a good boy and that’s proof enough that you’ve done a good job.”
“I’ve had help,” she admitted. “There are days, sometimes more than one at a time, where I can’t leave the house. I have attacks, Tanner. The doctor says they are anxiety… but when they hit me, I can’t breathe, can’t speak and sometimes the effects last for days and all I can do is curl into a ball and stare at the wall until it passes.”
Tanner nodded slowly and reached out a hand to push a strand of red hair from her cheek. “You’ll never have another one of those attacks alone, Temp. I’m here now and even if I can’t fix them; even if all I can do is lay there in that bed with you and hold you close until it’s over, that’s what I’ll do.”
“You…” Temperance stopped, unsure of how to say what she wanted to say. In true Tanner fashion, he simply sat there in peaceful silence and waited for her to find the words. “Jackson had fun with you today.”
“Yeah, I had fun with him too,” Tanner replied.
“Are you certain you want that responsibility, Tanner?” Temperance whispered. “I don’t want you being his father simply because you feel that you have to or you owe it to him…”
Tanner shook his head and walked to her. He dropped to his knees in front of the chair and took Temperance’s hands in his. “Temp, I don’t do anything that I don’t want to do. I want to be that boy’s father. I am that boy’s father.”
“You are a blessing to us, Tanner… truly,” Temperance felt tears filling her eyes.
“You’re the blessing, Temperance. You and that boy. You’ve given me a will to live and that’s something I haven’t had in a real long time.” Tanner smiled up at her. Smiling was something she hadn’t seen him do five years ago when they had first met. He had a wonderful smile. It formed crinkles in his firm cheeks and lines beside his eyes.
“There’s something else I’d really like to be,” he admitted quietly. His voice shook a bit and his nervousness and unease put Temperance on edge as well.
“What?” she questioned cautiously.
Tanner gave her hands a tender squeeze and looked deep into her eyes. He let out a slow breath and gently answered, “Your husband.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Tanner saw the panic overwhelm Temperance’s green eyes. They shone with fear as she began to gasp for breath and try desperately to pull her hands from his grasp.
Tanner released his hold on her and moved his palm to her cheek. “Temp, come on now, sweetheart. Breathe and stay with me. Hear me out…” he pleaded. Seeing her this way broke his heart in two.
Slowly her green eyes met his and her breathing calmed slightly. She shook her head in earnest. “Tanner, I can’t…”
Tanner’s heart twisted in his chest. Damn his brother! Damn Yancy! Damn every damn person who had ever hurt this angel. If it were possible he’d kill them all but he’d done killed quite a few of them and killing Yancy would probably end with him back in prison or swinging from a rope, either place would mean he couldn’t be here for Temperance and Jackson.
“Temp, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel as if I was pressuring you.” Tanner shoved his free hand through his hair. “From the moment I first saw you, I’ve been drawn to you. You are what I want, Temperance. I want to be your husband. I want to love you, cherish you, take care of you, and help you for the rest of my life. I want to be a family with you and Jackson.”
“Tanner, I can’t,” Temperance insisted as she pushed him away and stood from the chair, slipping past him and moving toward the door.
“Don’t you run away from me again, Temperance. I deserve better than that. Stand here and talk to me,” Tanner insisted.
Temperance let out a quick breath and squared her shoulders as she raised her jaw and met his eyes. There was that strength he remembered. There was that strong, able woman who had been beaten, raped, tortured and treated like trash and yet still had a spark of life inside of her despite it all.
God, he loved her.
“I was a wife once, Tanner, and I never want to be one again.”
Tanner felt as if he’d been kicked in the gut. “Don’t you do that to me,” he whispered. “I am not my brother and you know that. You weren’t his wife, you were his possession, his twisted fantasy. I want to be your husband, Temperance. Surely, you’ve seen two people in love and in a good marriage before. Surely, you know that marriage isn’t what you had with Trevor.”
Temperance’s eyes went far away for a moment and Tanner wondered what she was seeing. “My parents loved one another,” she finally whispered. “But then he left for war and never came back.”
“I won’t leave,” Tanner vowed, stepping forward. “Unless it’s in a pine box I swear to you, Temperance, I will be right here.”
“Don’t talk like that!” she exclaimed, tears filling her eyes. “You won’t die! You can’t die! They all died!”
Tanner cursed under his breath when he realized what he’d said and how it must sound to a woman who, as a fifteen year old girl, had watched every single person she loved waste away and die right in front of her.
“Temperance, please, calm down, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry I mentioned marriage, okay? We can talk about it later…”
“No, I won’t talk about it later either, Tanner. I’m not the woman you need. I can’t… I can’t do that…” her gaze flitted toward the bed before coming back to him.
Tanner shook his head. “All I want is you as my wife, Temperance. I want to share that bond with you. I want to be able to say that I am your husband and I want to love, protect, and cherish you the way a good husband should… And sweetheart, I need you. I probably shouldn’t put that on you just now, but I need you near me. As far as that…” he tilted his head toward the bed, “…I don’t need that. I won’t ever push you for that. Anything physical that happens in our marriage will happen on your terms when you want it. I just want to be best friends, Temp. I want to walk beside you and share everything life has to offer. I want to help you heal and feel you healing me. I want to have a family, a life, a future… those are things I honestly never thought I’d find when I was wasting away in that Union prison camp. You gave those hopes back to me, Temp.”
Temperance said nothing. Her eyes were wide and it was clear that her mind was racing. Tanner regretted instantly that he had voiced all of this tonight. What had he been thinking?
He’d been being selfish. He’d been thinking about what he wanted, what he needed, and he had pushed Temperance farther than she was ready to be pushed.
; He took several steps back as a cool breeze, indicative of a summer storm, blew against them and tossed her red curls wildly. “I’m sorry, Temperance. I didn’t mean to push…”
“I… I don’t want you to sacrifice to be with me, Tanner…”
Tanner frowned. Was that all that was holding her back? That foolish thought that being with her could be anything less than the best thing that ever happened to him simply because they couldn’t share physical intimacy? Tanner had learned in life that there were far more important things.
“Temperance, being with you could never be a sacrifice. You are a blessing and nothing less and it’s time you realized that.”
Tanner watched the storm of emotions raging in her eyes. She kept fidgeting with her robe and seemed torn between running toward him and running away. Tanner wanted to sweep forward and take her in his arms so the latter wasn’t an option but he couldn’t do that.
If they were together it had to be her choice. He knew that. She’d been pushed around and forced into situations too many times in her life.
Temperance took a tentative step forward and Tanner’s heart pounded. She reached out and took his hand in her trembling palm and Tanner realized it was the first time since he’d returned that she had been the one to initiate physical contact, it might even be the first time since they had met so long ago.
“I’m not saying yes, but I’m not saying no,” she whispered, her eyes locked on his chest. “I need time, okay?”
“Oh, Temp, I’ll give you anything you need, sweetheart.” Tanner felt as if he could leap back flips right there on that balcony. She wasn’t running away from him! “When you’re ready to be my wife then you let me know. I didn’t mean to make you feel pressured… I was just telling you my dream. You’re my dream, Temp.”
Temperance’s lips trembled and then curved into the slightest of smiles as her eyes met his. Tanner was sure he was going to collapse right there and die of happiness. Damnation, she had a pretty smile!
Against Her Will Page 17