Against Her Will

by Nicole Sturgill

  “I love you, Temperance,” Tanner whispered.

  Temperance’s mouth worked up and down several times. She swallowed hard and gave his hand a squeeze before biting her lip and then sighing. “I… I love you too, Tanner.”

  “Sweetheart, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear that,” Tanner admitted as he closed his eyes and let those words wash over him.

  “Just… Just don’t ever be gone… Promise?”

  Tanner smiled and laid a gentle hand on her cheek, “God himself is all that could tear me away. You’re stuck with me, Temp.”

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  “Good morning, everyone,” Temperance stated brightly as she stepped into the kitchen the next morning.

  Wilma, Sophia, Sarah, and Millie looked up from the food they were eating and stared wide-eyed at her with varying degrees of shock.

  “Uh… hello, child,” Wilma replied, the first to recover and stand to welcome Temperance to the kitchen.

  “Is there room for me at the table?” Temperance asked.

  “Of course,” Wilma quickly walked to the stove to make a plate and Temperance shook her head.

  “Sit down, Wilma. I can make my own plate.”

  Temperance could feel them all watching her closely as she went about preparing her breakfast plate and then sat down at the crowded table between Wilma and Sophia. Both of their bodies bumping against her was the closest physical contact she had had aside from cuddling with her son in a long time and while it filled her with a touch of unease, Temperance forced herself to ignore it.

  These were her friends, or at least they had once been. She did not need to fear them. She couldn’t blame them for the way they were looking at her or for their confused silence. Temperance hadn’t been to the kitchen this early without Jackson in a long time, and she hadn’t greeted them, eaten with them or acted interested in conversation in even longer.

  “You all should finish your breakfast,” Temperance urged.

  Slowly everyone, but Wilma picked up their forks and went back to their meal, though they were picking at it more than they were eating it. Wilma tilted her head and frowned. “You seem different this morning,” she stated.

  Temperance was quiet for a moment and then she nodded. “I feel different this morning.”

  The talk she and Tanner had had the night before combined with what Wilma had said to her that afternoon had opened Temperance’s eyes to quite a few things. She had realized that she was keeping walls around herself in order to keep from losing those she cared about but in doing so she had essentially lost those she cared about.

  The unexpected didn’t necessarily have to be bad. She certainly hadn’t expected Tanner to ask her to be his wife. She hadn’t expected the man would vow such an undying devotion and willingness to sacrifice things he could have with other women just so he could have her by his side.

  She hadn’t expected Tanner to come riding in and give her son a father… a family. Yes, the unexpected could be heartbreaking at times, but it could also be heartwarming, earth spinning, and wonderful. And Temperance was starting to believe it was worth the risk. Hope and happiness might just be worth risking the pain that came with the bad.

  “Did you rest well?” Sophia questioned, her voice meek and quiet just like she was.

  “No,” Temperance admitted. “I barely slept at all.”

  In truth, she had been up until very nearly dawn with Tanner. They had talked about many things. Simple things. Favorite foods, activities, books, and seasons. Tanner had told her stories about growing up in such a wealthy home. With Trevor and their father around it had been tense and miserable, but Tanner spoke fondly of his mother and claimed that she had been a saint and an angel trapped in a marriage to a man who treated her like dirt beneath his boots.

  It seemed that Trevor had come upon his abusive ways naturally.

  Temperance had told Tanner bits and pieces of her life. Speaking of her family was still something very painful for her but she talked about the things she missed the most. The quiet mornings with her mama and sisters or the evenings spent sitting in front of the fire quilting with her mama after her sisters had gone to bed. She missed her father’s laugh, her brother’s teasing, her sister’s antics and their innocence…

  Sharing all of that had been quite therapeutic somehow and left her feeling lighter than she had in years. Yes, last night had been a good night. Temperance had already known that she loved Tanner but now she saw that they truly liked one another as well. She had smiled with him while rambling on into the early hours of the morning.

  Tanner was the only person, other than Jackson, who had seen her smile in many many years. She had a feeling that he was her dream just as he had said that she was his. How strange! That a man would see her as a dream!

  Did Temperance want to marry Tanner?

  She nibbled at her lip.

  The answer should be a resounding absolute yes but there was one thing holding her back. Marriage meant marital duties and even though she knew that Tanner would not push her, she also knew it wasn’t right to deny him those things that a husband should get from his wife.

  “It’s been a long time since you ate with us, Temperance,” Wilma spoke, pulling Temperance from her confused and muddled thoughts. “Jackson and all the men are still sleeping soundly. Is something… wrong?”

  “No,” Temperance shook her head. “No, for the first time in a long time I can say that I think things are going to be alright.”

  Temperance was surprised by the happy smiles that lit up the faces of the four women around her. “And does this sudden change of outlook on life have anything to do with your late night encounter with Tanner?” Wilma teased.

  Temperance frowned. “How did you know…?”

  “I was on my way to the outhouse and saw both of you on the balcony… I didn’t mean to snoop!” Millie quickly assured her. “I was just happy to see you smiling.”

  Temperance shifted in her seat and pushed her eggs around on her plate. “It has a lot to do with him, yes. But Wilma said some things to me yesterday that helped as well.” Temperance looked at each of the women in turn. “I owe all of you an apology.”

  “What are ya talkin’ about, child?” Wilma asked gently.

  Temperance sighed and thought about what she wanted to say. “I pushed each and every one of you away when what I should have done was pulled you closer. We all went through hell because of Trevor and those men and it wasn’t right of me to turn my back on you.”

  “Temperance, child, none of us are mad at you for how you dealt with your pain…” Wilma began.

  “That’s just it,” Temperance interrupted as she sat her fork down. “I didn’t deal with it. I locked it all up and locked myself up with it.” She glanced up at the ceiling and blinked back tears. “But I am going to work on healing now. I have an amazing son, I have a man who loves me, and I have you, my friends. I feel like finally, after all these years. I can honestly say that we’re all going to be okay.”

  A happy smile lit up Wilma’s face. “Child, ya have no idea how happy I am to hear that!” she exclaimed with her hand on her heart. “Can I hug ya, child?”

  Temperance nodded. “Please do… I think I’ve been needing that for a while.”

  Without making her wait any longer, Wilma wrapped her in a warm hug that soothed Temperance’s soul and filled up a few of those broken empty spaces still left inside.

  “Mommy!” Jackson’s happy voice and the sound of his pounding feet had Temperance pulling away from Wilma. She stood just in time to catch Jackson in her arms as he launched himself at her. “Mommy, I woke daddy up!”

  Temperance looked up from her son’s perfect face and saw Tanner stumble into the kitchen as well. His face was lined from being pressed against a pillow, his blond hair was disheveled, and his shirt was wrinkled and untucked.

  He took Temperance’s breath.

  “Jackson, you shouldn’t have done that. Daddy needs his sleep,
” Temperance scolded, finding that it wasn’t awkward in the least to give Tanner that name for her son. In her dreams, Tanner had been Jackson’s father, and now, because Tanner was such a loving and amazing man, he had made that dream a reality.

  “It’s alright,” Tanner insisted. He stepped forward and laid a gentle hand on Temperance’s elbow before kissing the top of her head. “He has some bony knees when he jumps on your ribs though. We need to feed that boy some lard.”

  “Jackson! You jumped on him?” Temperance exclaimed with a shake of her head.

  “What?” Jackson shrugged his shoulders. “He laughed. He wasn’t mad.”

  “That’s right,” Tanner ruffled the boy’s hair and smiled proudly. “I wasn’t mad at all. First time in my life, I ever got woke up by my son. I couldn’t be mad about that if I tried.”

  “Mommy, he was sleeping outside!” Jackson giggled. “I want to sleep outside!”

  “He’s lucky he didn’t get all wet,” Temperance noted, thinking of the storm that had managed to go around them.

  “Can I sleep outside tonight?” Jackson asked excitedly.

  Temperance sat him on his feet and was about to say no when Tanner laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. “I wouldn’t mind some company just for the night, as long as the weather permits.”

  Temperance nodded. “That’s fine with me then.”

  “Mommy, you can come too! We can have a camp out!” Jackson exclaimed excitedly before running to the counter and snatching a biscuit. Crumbs fell down his chest as he took a big bite and Temperance laughed lightly.

  “Holy hell…” Tanner’s muttered curse drew Temperance’s attention away from her son and she realized that everyone was staring at her with surprise.

  “What?” she whispered, feeling more than a little uncomfortable with all the attention.

  “You got a real nice laugh, Temp,” Tanner informed her. “I’d never heard it before.”

  Temperance bit her lip and thought back. “I haven’t laughed in a long time,” she admitted. “Not since my family died.”

  Tanner smiled and touched her cheek. “Welcome back, Temp.”

  Chapter Forty

  Tanner struck a match and lit the lantern to brighten up the darkening night as he sat on the balcony with Temperance and Jackson that evening. Jackson had been a bit disappointed that they couldn’t camp out in the wilderness and have a campfire, but Temperance hadn’t seemed ready for something like that.

  As a matter of fact, she had nearly panicked at the idea of being out in the open and unprotected, as she saw it, and so Tanner had quickly convinced Jackson that they needed to have a few practice camping trips on the balcony to make sure they’d be ready for a real one.

  “What do we do on a camp out?” Jackson asked as he sat cross legged beside Temperance who was sitting with her skirts spread out around her. Jackson had scolded her when he had first realized she was coming to the campout fully dressed. He had insisted that she was supposed to wear her bed clothes.

  Tanner had seen the widening of her eyes and had sensed her unease as she had looked at him. He knew that she was afraid to sleep near to him and was using her clothes as a barrier. While Tanner had seen Temperance in her sleeping gown before, she had not ever slept around him in them, save for the night of the fire so long ago.

  It hurt Tanner to know that there was still that hint of mistrust between them, but Tanner knew that it had less to do with him and more to do with her past and the men who had taken advantage of her. Tanner was very much prepared to spend the rest of his life healing those wounds and earning her trust, even if that meant a life of celibacy. A life of celibacy with Temperance at his side seemed far more rewarding than a life of meaningless rutting with women who could never hope to be her.

  “Well at most camp outs I’ve been in, and I’ve been in a few,” Tanner assured the boy with a wink, “We start by telling stories.”

  “What kinds of stories?” Jackson demanded excitedly as he fidgeted and seemed to be having trouble sitting still.

  “Whichever kind you take a notion to tell. They can be happy, scary, funny…”

  “Why don’t you start, mommy!” Jackson pleaded. “I want to hear you tell a story!”

  Temperance frowned. “What kind of story do you want me to tell?”

  Jackson raised a brow and shrugged. “Whichever kind you take a notion to tell.”

  Temperance looked down at the lantern and seemed lost in thought for a moment before finally she spoke, “I’m not much of a story teller, Jackson.”

  “That’s okay,” Tanner quickly spoke up before Jackson could complain. “I’ve got a good one to tell.”

  “Alright, daddy, you can go first,” Jackson climbed into Tanner’s lap and Tanner felt his heart become even more lost to the skinny child. He had never seen himself as ever being a father, truth was he’d never put much thought into it whatsoever.

  Tanner nodded took a deep breath and began his tale about a young boy who rode his pony in competition at the state fair and took home the blue ribbon. Jackson seemed to love the details about the jumps and the races and Tanner loved seeing him smile and laugh.

  He had his mother’s laugh. Tanner knew that now because he knew what Temperance’s laugh sounded like. Beautiful.

  “I have a pony!” Jackson exclaimed when Tanner finished.

  “Yes you do,” Tanner nodded.

  “And I’m a boy!” Jackson added, hopping to his feet.

  Tanner chuckled, “Yep.”

  “Can I be like the boy in the story!?”

  Tanner grinned. “I don’t see why not. We’ll have to start practicing with that pony of yours and see how good you both are.”

  “We’re real good!” Jackson assured him as he tugged on Temperance’s arm. “Tell him, mommy! Me and Storm are real good, aren’t we?”

  A warm smile spread across Temperance’s face and caused the sun to shine at night. “You are, sweetheart. You’re both the best pony and rider I’ve ever seen.”

  “I’m gonna be in the fair!” Jackson and Tanner talked for a long time about all the things that were at a fair since the boy had never been. Temperance had never been either and Tanner knew she was listening intently. He wondered if she would ever go to one. He knew that even the thought of going to town overwhelmed her at times and a fair was much more crowded.

  Maybe one day she would heal enough. Either way, whether she did or she didn’t, he’d be around to see it.

  “I’m getting tired.” Jackson’s statement was followed by a loud yawn.

  “That’s because it’s past your bedtime,” Temperance reminded him.

  Tanner looked up at the sky. “It’s getting close to midnight if I had to guess.”

  “Really?” Jackson’s eyes widened. “That’s really late, isn’t it, mommy?”

  “Yes, it is,” Temperance agreed.

  “Well come on over here then and I’ll get you settled into your bed,” Tanner stated. He had stretched out blankets and pillows on the floor for Jackson earlier and the boy was quick to lay down on them and burrow himself inside.

  “Will you sing to me, mommy?” Jackson whispered, his little voice full of exhaustion.

  Temperance smiled, kissed his brow, and then her gentle voice was filling the night. Tanner had never heard anything so soothing. A mother and child were a special thing and to know that this was his woman and his child just made it all the more meaningful to Tanner. He’d do anything for these two people in front of him. He’d walk through fire, shoot his brother in the back, spend years in a prison, live celibate, teach a child rodeo tricks or hold a woman through countless tears.

  There wasn’t anything that would be too much for them to ask.

  Tanner and Temperance sat in silence for a long while. Tanner didn’t want to disturb Jackson as the boy fell asleep but soon he was lost deep in slumber and Tanner saw Temperance yawn. “You’re tired,” he scolded gently. “Get some rest.”

  “I will,” s
he replied as she absently moved her pillow and blankets further from Tanner’s. Tanner had already laid them out with a good three feet of space between them but Temperance had placed hers just beside the door and as far away as the balcony would allow.

  “Temperance, you don’t have to be afraid to go to sleep. I’m not going to hurt you,” Tanner reminded her calmly.

  Temperance’s face reddened. “I didn’t think you would,” she assured him.

  Tanner chuckled, “Really? Because the boy wanted a camp out, but if you move your blankets any further toward that door, you’ll be having a camp in.”

  Temperance bit her lip and glanced at the blankets before turning her gaze back to him. The lantern light flickered against her face and danced across her hair. “I… that is… I just…”

  Tanner shook his head. “I won’t hurt you, Temp. You’ve slept around me before. Remember?”

  Temperance nodded. “I remember. And I know you won’t hurt me… I just can’t sleep so close…”

  “I’m not asking you to sleep on the same blankets with me, Temperance,” Tanner assured her. “But it’s a big balcony so maybe you could share it with me and our son.”

  Temperance paused a moment, but then sighed and moved her bedding back to where Tanner had originally had it. Tanner felt the thrill of victory course through him. Yes, he was pleased with his own victory, but more so over the victory that Temperance had just made over her own fears.

  They lay down and Tanner turned off the lantern. He and Temperance gazed into each others eyes for a long while in the darkness. Tanner memorized every line, curve, and freckle of her face. He longed to hold her close to him as her eyelids began to droop and sleep claimed her, but knew that he was happy with this for tonight. Just knowing that his son and the woman he loved were both sleeping so close to him, filled Tanner with a peace he hadn’t known in a while…

  Peace was becoming more common in his soul now that he was back here with them both and he prayed that one day the battle that raged in his mind every time he closed his eyes would no longer be there.