Against Her Will

by Nicole Sturgill

“I thought it was a gunshot,” Tanner quickly interrupted. “I didn’t hear him enter and I only heard that bang behind me. Anyone would have reacted the same…”

  Temperance shook her head. “No, they wouldn’t have. Your finger was on that trigger and that gun was against the man’s head in less than a second. Not everyone would have done that.”

  Temperance searched Tanner’s eyes for a sign as to what he was thinking. He had helped her so immensely in the short time he had been home and she wanted to help him. The man had made her realize that she did have a strength inside of her and he had inspired her to use that strength and begin to overcome her past. She wanted to help him overcome his as well.

  Tanner acted so tough and sure of himself but Temperance remembered that look that had been in his eyes when they had first met. That blank stare--the deadness--it had been a familiar sight and had formed an instant kinship between their souls. Temperance knew that deep down he had wounds festering and rotting and she wanted to help him heal those before they ate away at him and took away the happiness she now could see looking back at her most of the time when their eyes met.

  “Temperance, I’m okay, I swear it…”

  “Then walk up the front steps and come inside with me,” Temperance challenged.

  Tanner opened his mouth, clamped it close and then opened it again, “I can’t.”

  “Why? Tell me how you feel, Tanner.”

  “Temperance…”

  “I promise I can handle it, Tanner,” Temperance assured him as she rested her hand upon his cheek. “I’m not as weak as I once thought I was. Please, open up to me just the same as I have you. Trust me as much as I’ve trusted you.”

  Tanner stared down at her for several moments and then turned away. He strode to open barn door and then kicked it hard. “I can’t cross that porch because all I see when I get near it is my brother! I hear him laughing as he walked away from me and I feel that cold-hearted desperation take over me as I pull that trigger and shoot him in the back.”

  Temperance winced as memories of that night flooded back to her. Memories of watching that knife blade slice across Mary’s throat. Memories of those three men tying her down and shoving themselves inside of her. Memories of Trevor and his whip…

  “Aren’t you going to say anything?” Tanner whispered, his voice tight.

  Temperance shook her head. She reached out and took his hand in hers. “No, I’m only going to listen.”

  Temperance watched with surprise as everything about Tanner seemed to crumble in that moment. He sat down hard on a stack of hay bales and buried his head in his hands as his shoulders sagged.

  Temperance went to him and sat down beside him. She laid her head on his shoulder and he surprised her when he grabbed her up, pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her neck. Temperance would have been terrified by this contact not long ago but now she was touched by it. She felt hot tears against her skin but said nothing as Tanner’s shoulders heaved.

  Temperance was happy to be the ‘strong’ one just now. “Let it out, Tanner. Talk to me,” she whispered.

  “Temperance, I’ve seen things and done things that I can’t tell you about… I don’t want you having those images in your head. That prison camp was hell--pure hell. Men dying all around me and left to rot in the same tiny dirt floored cell I was in. We had meals every few days and it was always moldy bread and rancid meat… sometimes we’d get lucky and catch a rat but we didn’t have any way of cooking it so you had to eat it as it was…”

  Temperance’s stomach turned but she said nothing. She knew now how therapeutic simply speaking could be when you had someone who cared to say the words to.

  “They seemed to enjoy taking us out into this field one at a time and tying us to a fallen tree. They would leave us there for days in the elements with no food and no water. Sometimes it would be so cold you’d be sure your blood would freeze and sometimes it would be so hot that your skin would burn. You’d start to see things that weren’t there and hear things in the silence…. A lot of men lost their minds and their lives in that field.”

  Temperance could hardly imagine the terror he’d endured. She too had been left alone with no food or water in her life but it had always been indoors where she’d had the protection of a roof and walls…except for the one time that Trevor had tied her to that tree.

  “When I was freed I was nearly too weak to get up and walk out of that place. I didn’t want to come back to this plantation but I had no where else to go. I was in no hurry to see my brother. I knew that he had sent me off to war to die--worse though, he had paid the Union Troops at that prison camp to keep me there. I’ve never told anyone that. He didn’t know that I knew and I never told him I knew.” Tanner paused and raised his head with a sniff. His lips brushed Temperance’s temple in a light caress and instead of fear, she felt heat as she snuggled closer to him.

  “I came here and saw you, saw the state of the workers, realized he was still treating them as slaves and property and I knew I had to do something… I didn’t want to kill Trevor. I didn’t want that on my conscience. Until I saw what he did to you that night. I have never wanted to kill someone so badly in all my life as I did in that moment. You know the rest of that story. Prison wasn’t as bad as the prison camp but it wasn’t a picnic either. I had to fight to stay alive and earn a place among those men. There was only one thing that helped me make it through those long days of being trapped in a tiny cell of rocks and bars and that was thinking of you… I knew you had shoved me out of your life and it hurt but I couldn’t shove you out of mine, Temp. You’re all that I was living for.”

  Temperance felt a tear slip down her own cheek. She would give anything to take back her own stupid actions. Her mind was in a better place now and she could see how foolish, how selfish, she had been all those years--not just toward Tanner but toward everyone. She had been in so much pain that she simply hadn’t been able to see anyone else’s.

  “The nightmares are always the war,” Tanner continued. “The cannons, gun shots, men screaming as their arms and legs are sawed off…. I can’t sleep beneath a roof because I feel trapped and caged in like an animal. I can’t step across that porch because I just see his blood pooling there. I’m always waiting on someone to attack us. I wake up every morning expecting to have to fight for my life. There’s parts of me that are broken too, Temp. Parts I’m not sure I can fix.”

  Temperance was quiet a moment longer as she tried to think of something to say. She looked into his eyes and offered him a little smile. “Maybe two broken people can come together to make a whole?”

  Tanner’s cheeks crinkled as his lips curved happily. His eyes filled with love even as they crinkled at the corners. “With you by my side, Temp, I’m pretty damn sure I can get through anything.”

  Temperance’s heart swelled and she smiled up at him, “I feel the same way about you, Tanner. Thank you. Thank you for helping me to see that I’m not as weak as I thought I was. Thank you for showing me that I can overcome my past and my pain.”

  Tanner’s fingertips danced across her cheek. “I love you.”

  “I love you too…”

  Their eyes met and Temperance could see the want in Tanner’s eyes. She saw his tongue dart across his lips as his gaze dropped to her mouth. She knew where his mind had gone and her mind went that way too. She was trembling as she leaned forward.

  Their lips brushed and her eyes slid closed.

  Temperance leapt away and let out a scream before wrapping her arms around herself and gasping for breath. Her heart was pounding and she couldn’t seem to draw in any air. Flashbacks flooded her mind. Memories of Trevor, of Yancy, of the other men who had taken her, forced her, hurt her….

  “Temp?”

  Temperance shook her head and continued to rock back and forth as she kept her eyes squeezed tight and her arms tight around herself.

  “Temperance, come back to me, sweetheart,” Tanner’s voice broke through the t
error, the pain, the fear. His voice was a light in the distance, shining through the darkness and Temperance went toward it. She felt his arms close around her and she breathed in his scent as her head came to rest on his chest. His heartbeat beneath her ear soothed her and brought her back to the present.

  “I‘ve got you, Temperance. Come back to me, sweetheart.”

  “I’m sorry,” she gasped as she clung to him with fierce desperation. “I’m so sorry.” Shame filled her at the knowledge that once again she had been weak and was clinging to Tanner..

  Tanner shushed her quietly and tenderly rubbed her back. “You have nothing to apologize for,” he insisted. “Are you okay?”

  “Y..yes,” Temperance nodded, pulled away and squared her shoulders. She took his hands in hers and offered a shaky, tearful smile. “We’re both going to be just fine.”

  “That’s right,” Tanner agreed, using his thumb to gently smooth away the dampness on her cheek. “How about we get away from here a few hours?” He motioned toward the horses and smiled. “Let’s go for a ride.”

  Chapter Forty-Five

  “I haven’t been in town in a long time,” Temperance admitted one week later as Tanner drove their carriage down the dusty main street.

  “Why do you stay away from town?” Tanner questioned as he spared a glance at her.

  He wondered if she realized how closed up she had become the moment town had come into view. The ride here she had been looking around, talking, laughing, smiling and seeming to truly enjoy herself. Then the buildings had come into view and those smiles and laughs had ceased. Her chatter had died down and she had all but curled up into herself and scooted closer to him on the carriage seat.

  “I…” Temperance began to speak but stopped and Tanner saw her clutching at her skirt.

  He reached over and took her hand gently in his. “It’s me you’re talking to, Temp. You can tell me.”

  She let out a long, shaking breath. “I worry that someone will hurt me. I feel as if eyes are watching me and just waiting for a chance to get their hands on me…”

  “Temperance, if I make a suggestion do you promise to think about it before you turn me down?” Tanner asked, stopping the carriage to allow a woman and three young children to run across the street.

  “What kind of suggestion?” Temperance questioned skeptically.

  Tanner flicked the reins to continue them on their way. “I want to teach you how to fight.”

  “Fight?” Tanner saw her brow rise into her hairline and he chuckled.

  “Yes, fight,” he replied. “Guns, knives, hands, feet, weapons of opportunity… While I don’t think you’ll ever have to use the skills because I truly don’t think anything bad is going to happen to you--I think it would help you and your peace of mind if you felt as if you could protect yourself.”

  “You’re not going to offer to pay for round the clock bodyguards or stand over me yourself like a malicious guard dog?” Temperance teased.

  Tanner laughed. It amazed him, the teasing nature that lived inside of her that was coming back to life. He brought the carriage to a stop outside Patrick Starr’s office. “No, sweetheart. Although me protecting you when I can is pretty much a guarantee it’s not going to be something that gives you true comfort. You’ve already got the strongest mind of anyone I know and the fact that you’re still sane after all you’ve gone through proves that--now we just have to make sure you know you can defend yourself. It’s time for you to take some power back, Temp.”

  Tanner had expected some resistance but instead was surprised when she smiled and nodded. “I think you’re right.”

  “So… you want me to teach you?”

  “Yes, I do. I want to know that I’m strong.”

  “You are strong,” Tanner assured her before bringing her hand to his lips and laying a feather light kiss upon her knuckles.

  “Good morning, you two!” Patrick Starr’s voice drew Tanner’s attention away from the love in Temperance’s eyes and the other man smiled. “What brings you both to town today? And where’s Jackson?”

  “We left Jackson at home,” Tanner replied. He jumped from the carriage and helped Temperance down as well. “We needed to talk with you about some things and they were things better left unheard by Jackson’s ears.”

  Patrick nodded. He pulled off his Darby hat and bent low. “Nice to see you, Temperance.”

  Temperance surprised everyone--even herself judging by the look on her face--when she stepped forward and threw her arms around Patrick’s neck in a hug. “Thank you,” she whispered, clearly fighting back emotion, “Thank you for getting him back to us.”

  Patrick blushed and stammered several times as Temperance pulled away and smoothed her wool skirt awkwardly. “It was my pleasure, Temperance,” he assured her as he put his hat back on over his red hair. “Now what brings you here?”

  “I’m not sure,” Temperance replied. “Tanner said we had to come into town and take care of a few things.”

  Tanner nodded when both of them turned their gazes toward him. “I want to have my name placed on Jackson’s birth record,” he stated. “And I also want to finalize all the papers placing the plantation in Temperance’s name for good.”

  “What?” Temperance gasped.

  Tanner shrugged, “It’s been in your name for years…”

  “Waiting on you to come back,” Temperance reminded him. “The plantation belongs to you.”

  “Why should it belong to me? Look what you’ve done with that place? You’ve built it into something more than it ever was before. And you have a passion for it and a passion for those horses--I never had any passion for that place. It should be yours.”

  “Tanner, it’s quite uncommon for a woman to hold that much property,” Patrick warned.

  Tanner scoffed. “Is it illegal?” he demanded.

  “Well no,” Patrick replied.

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “The problem is that it’s not my plantation,” Temperance replied.

  “Yes, it is,” Tanner countered. “I’ve watched you, Temperance. You enjoy running that place. You even enjoy the paperwork for some mind-boggling reason! Your eyes light up when you are dealing with the horses and the land. I have never had that kind of passion for that plantation!”

  “Then what do you have a passion for?” Temperance wanted to know. “If you don’t want the plantation then what do you want?”

  “I think the answer to that should be plenty obvious to you by now,” Tanner replied gently. He turned his attention back to Patrick who seemed quite amused by it all. “Can we get inside and get this started?”

  “Of course,” Patrick motioned them both in and they followed him. Tanner could tell that Temperance was still uncomfortable with this turn of events but she would have to accept them. That plantation had never been something he had wanted and it wasn’t as if he was going to leave… he was simply going to let her keep it in her name since it was her passion.

  Why take something she loved away from her?

  That was something that Tanner would never do. He didn’t care if society thought it improper for a woman to have that much property. Society could kiss his ass on their way to hell.

  “You all can have a seat here and I’ll go find the papers we’ll need,” Patrick said as he pointed at two cushioned seats beside his desk.

  Temperance and Tanner sat down and Temperance sighed. “Tanner, are you sure this is what you want to do?”

  Tanner grumbled under his breath. “Temperance, the plantation…”

  “Not the plantation,” Temperance chewed her lip. “Jackson’s birth record. Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

  “Yes, I’m sure,” Tanner nodded. “Why wouldn’t I? I’ve already said the boy is mine.”

  “Yes, but this is…” Temperance paused. “Permanent.”

  Tanner fought back his initial irritation and reminded himself that Temperance’s past had told her that most things did
n’t last and most people didn’t stick around because they either turned on you or died. He smiled comfortingly and took her hands gently in his. “Temp, I’m sure. I know you are worried but me being Jackson’s father, and me being in his life and yours, is very permanent. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Temperance nodded and gave his hands a squeeze. “Good. Permanent is good.”

  ***

  Tanner glanced over at Temperance and frowned. They were on their way back to the plantation--were actually just coming around the last bend before the house would come into view and she had grown increasingly silent and anxious beside him.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked, wondering what all that banging was he could hear coming from around the bend.

  Uneasiness filled him and had him wanting to assume the worst but he had to remind himself it probably wasn’t union soldiers tearing their home apart brick by brick.

  Temperance shrugged. “I made arrangements for something to be started today while we were gone.”

  “Arrangements for what?” Tanner questioned. They came around the bend and his eyes widened. Workers were tearing the front porch and entryway off of the house!

  “A week ago you admitted some things to me in the barn. Things that made me realize that some changes needed to be made around here. Now, I understand that changing the look of that porch and doorway will not do away with your memories but I’m hopeful that it will make entering your own home easier.”

  Tanner didn’t know what to say. He stared at Temperance in shock. “Temp, I don’t want you worrying about me…”

  “Tanner, don’t,” Temperance snapped and he saw those green eyes which came alive more everyday looking more animated than they had seemed in the entire time he’d known her. “I love you and when you love someone you do everything you can to help them. You have spent so much time worrying about me and ignoring your own needs and while I can’t do much about the memories or the nightmares, this is something I can do.”

  “I don’t…” Tanner swallowed hard. “I don’t know what to say.” He had never had anyone that looked out for him or tried to take care of him. It was a strange thing to accept.