“You don’t have to say anything, Tanner.”
“Mommy! Daddy!” Jackson’s happy voice came to Tanner’s ears and he brought the carriage to a stop and caught the boy in his arms as Jackson leapt upon the seat.
“Did you bring me something?” Jackson exclaimed.
“Jackson…” Temperance scolded.
Jackson grinned. “Did you bring me something, please?” he offered.
Temperance’s laughter filled the air and Tanner reached in his pocket and pulled a small burlap sack of candy, “This might be for you.”
Jackson laughed and took it from his hand. “Thank you, daddy!”
“Anything for you, Jackson. You and your mommy are my whole world.”
“Do you see what they’re doing to the house?” Jackson exclaimed. “They’re tearing it down!”
“We’re going to make it better, Jackson.”
“Just like daddy made us better, right mommy?”
Tanner’s eyes widened with surprise at the four year olds statement and he immediately turned his gaze to Temperance to find her smiling with tear-filled eyes looking back at him. “That’s right, Jackson. That’s exactly right.”
Chapter Forty-Six
Temperance took a deep, shuddering breath and cursed the tangled knots of nerves dancing around inside of her.
“You have to stop shaking, Temp,” Tanner’s voice whispered in her ear. “If you’re shaking you’ll never hit your target.”
Temperance stared at that tin can on the post twenty yards away as she held the revolver in her hands. The cold metal and smooth wood felt awkward and foreign in her hands. “Tanner, I don’t know if I can do this,” Temperance admitted. Guns killed people--Temperance wasn’t sure she could kill anyone.
“Temperance, it’s just a can, sweetheart,” Tanner teased gently. “I promise once you shoot the gun once or twice it won’t seem so bad.”
“Shoot it, mommy!” Jackson encouraged as he stood there with his hands over his ears.
Temperance swallowed hard. When Tanner had mentioned days ago in town that he wanted to teach her to fight she hadn’t truly been expecting gun lessons.
They’d worked on realizing how certain everyday objects could be used to save your life, he’d trained her a little in hand to hand combat--though the progress had been hampered by Temperance’s flash backs whenever his body touched hers in certain ways--and he had even introduced her to a knife. Temperance had been more than a little impressed by Tanner’s ability to toss a twelve inch blade and sink it deep in a target thirty feet away.
“Come on, Temp, just give it a try,” Tanner urged gently.
Temperance nodded. She didn’t want to let Tanner down. She wouldn’t let fear hold her back. Fear had been holding her back from everything for far too long. Her son had seen her weak far too many times and he was watching her now… she would do this to show him not to give in to things that frightened you.
Tanner smiled. “Alright then. Let your breath out slow and squeeze that trigger real slow and gentle…”
Temperance put pressure on the trigger of Tanner’s .45 revolver and she let out a cry of shock when the gun went off in her hand. The sound was louder than she had expected this close and it reverberated inside her ears. Her hands felt strangely numb and tingly and she turned to Tanner.
“That was…” Temperance searched for the word as a smile spread across her face, “…fun!”
Temperance had expected to feel nothing but perhaps a jarring in her wrists when she pulled that trigger. She hadn’t expected the sensations of strength, power and enjoyment that had coursed through her. While she had missed her target, she was eager to try again.
Tanner chuckled. “I’m glad you had fun.”
“You missed, mommy,” Jackson stated as if worried she hadn’t noticed.
“Since that was her first time I think she deserves another chance, don’t you?” Tanner offered.
Jackson nodded enthusiastically. “Yep, I do! Hit that can, mommy!”
After several more attempts, Temperance still failed to hit the can but holding the gun became easier each time. Tanner took her through the steps of loading and unloading the revolver. He showed her how to cock it and then how to release the hammer without firing a shot.
“The more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll get,” Tanner assured her.
“I never did hit the can…” Temperance lamented.
Tanner smiled as he took the gun, checked to ensure the cylinder was fully loaded and dropped it into his holster. “You got close enough. A person is a bit bigger than a can at twenty yards.”
Temperance frowned. “I don’t think I could shoot someone,” she whispered, watching Jackson who was busy chasing after a butterfly.
Tanner’s blue/gray eyes took on a faraway look and he nodded. “You’d be surprised just what you’re capable of doing when your life or the lives of those you love is on the line.”
Temperance nodded as she stepped forward and laid her hand on his cheek. He looked so troubled, so haunted in that moment. “You’re a good man, Tanner,” she whispered before raising on her toes and pressing a tender kiss to the corner of his mouth.
Temperance was shocked by her own actions and she quickly pulled away and cleared her throat. “Yes, well, it’s time to be getting to work. We’ve played long enough.”
Temperance strode as swiftly as she could away from Tanner who seemed to be lost in shock. She had just kissed the man--and she hadn’t been seeing, hearing or thinking of anyone else as she’d done so.
What did that mean?
***
“Child, ya seem like a whole new person these last few weeks,” Wilma noted as Temperance helped her with dinner preparations that evening.
“I feel quite new as well,” Temperance admitted. “Tanner has made all the difference.”
Wilma was quiet a moment and then she shook her head. “I think it’s more than that. Yeah, it was Tanner that made ya open your eyes but ya can’t give him all the credit for your newfound strength. You are the one takin’ these steps, child. It’s you that is takin’ back your life. Don’t give the man all the credit. Take some of it for yourself.”
Temperance just shrugged and flipped the chicken frying in the pan. She had no problem giving Tanner the credit for the changes in her. She never would have made the changes she had if not for that man. He had given her the confidence to believe that she could overcome her past and she had made him realize that the bad things hadn’t crippled her--they had strengthened her.
Temperance was scarred, yes. She would never again be the bright eyed, trusting girl she had once been but that was okay. The world was not the place she had thought it was back then. There were evil people and not everyone was worthy of trust--it was a good thing for a person to know that just so long as they didn’t let that control them and feed their fear.
“Is there gonna be a wedding soon, child?” Wilma asked suddenly.
Temperance gasped when grease popped and splattered against her arm. “Wilma!” she scolded as she wiped her arm on her apron. “Why would you ask me that?”
Wilma batted her lashes innocently. “It was only a question,” she teased. “The other ladies and I are wondering if we’ll have the chance to throw a party soon.”
Temperance shook her head. “You are all a bunch of nosy busy bodies!” she exclaimed, though she was smiling as she did so.
“Is that a no?” Wilma questioned.
Temperance sighed and began to lay the chicken on plates. “I don’t know,” she replied honestly.
“What’s holding you back, child?” Wilma’s voice became much more serious and thoughtful. “It’s clear you love that man and he loves you. He’s accepted Jackson as his own and is a great father to that boy. We know he wants to marry you--he mentioned it to Felix,” Wilma assured her in response to Temperance’s questioning gaze.
Temperance swallowed hard and flopped herself down at the tiny table. “I can
’t marry him, Wilma…”
Wilma moved the potatoes off the stove to avoid burning them and took a seat beside her. “And why not, child?” she asked gently.
Temperance stared at Wilma’s hands folded on the scarred oak. Her hands were wrinkled, calloused and as dark as deep mahogany. They were so different from Temperance’s own which were pale, work hardened and yet still youthful.
“Because…” Temperance’s first instinct was to hold the truth inside and keep herself from becoming so open and raw. Temperance pushed that instinct aside. She didn’t want to be that woman any longer. “Because I’m not sure I can give him what a wife should give her husband.”
“Love, respect, and companionship?”
Temperance shook her head, “Of course I’m not speaking about those things. Tanner already has my love, respect, and companionship.”
“What else is there to marriage, child?” Wilma asked knowingly.
Temperance chewed her lip and tapped her fingers on the table top. “You know what else there is, Wilma. I don’t know that I can give him those things. Sharing a bed and allowing him to take my body…”
“Tanner wouldn’t take a thing from you, child. Anything that happened in that shared bed would be freely given from you to him.”
Temperance shook her head and felt her heartbeat rise as breathe became harder to draw in. “No… no I can’t…”
“Temperance, child, this is getting ridiculous. You love him, he loves you, and that should be all you need to know in order to give yourself to him…”
Temperance’s vision blurred as her mind went back in time. The sweat, the pain, the stench of men’s bodies as their cocks were shoved in her mouth until she couldn’t breathe and her throat bled. Trevor holding her down and ramming himself inside of her as he laughed and kept his hands tight around her throat.
Temperance curled her arms around herself and rocked back and forth as she gasped for air and tears poured down her cheek. She was faintly aware of Wilma’s voice in her ears and then suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. Temperance screamed, leapt from the table and ran. All rhyme and reason had left her. She was trapped in her mind, trapped in the past.
The evening air whipped around her skirts as she ran from the house and when she collided with Silas she fought against him roughly as he tried to steady her. He released his hold and she continued her blind, irrational flight.
Temperance’s tears had her blinded and she didn’t see the bricks stacked until it was too late and she tripped over them and tumbled down the half-finished steps.
Pain filled her body and she simply curled up into herself and her mind went blank as she lost herself in that place of safety she’d used so often in the past. She let herself turn off and saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing…
Chapter Forty-Seven
Tanner had heard Temperance’s scream. Every scenario that flashed through his mind was worse than the last. He pulled his gun and dashed out of the barn just in time to see her fall upon the ground and curl into a ball.
Wilma came bursting out of the house behind her and Tanner holstered his weapon and raced to Temperance’s side. He crouched down beside her and pushed her red hair from her face. “Temp? Sweetheart?”
Her eyes were open but they didn’t seem to be seeing anything as she stared straight ahead and tears soaked her cheeks. Tanner turned his gaze to Wilma. “What happened?”
Wilma was wringing her hands and crying. “I’m sorry, Tanner. I don’t know. I didn’t mean to scare her. I was simply talking to her about marriage and you and… and what married people do.’
Tanner’s temper, which normally remained dormant, reared its head. He fought the urge to throttle the woman as he glared up at her and she stumbled back several steps. “You have no business discussing that with Temperance or trying to push her into anything. You are the one who said we have to give her time!”
“I know!” Wilma sobbed. “It’s just that the child was doin’ so good and I thought she was ready…”
“She will let me know when she’s ready,” Tanner snapped. “It’s no business of yours. Now get inside and make sure Sophia keeps Jackson upstairs playing. He doesn’t need to see his mother like this.”
Wilma nodded, sniffed loudly and then dashed back into the house.
Tanner waved off the men who were staring and only Felix remained. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked.
Tanner shook his head. “No. Just make sure everybody knows to leave us alone.”
“I’ll do that. Wilma didn’t mean no harm by what she did… I’m sure she didn’t,” Felix insisted.
Tanner nodded but his attention was no longer on the old man. “I know. If I thought she’d meant to harm Temperance, I probably would have shot her,” he stated absently.
Tanner found himself alone with Temperance then. Seeing her like this, in such a catatonic state was heartbreaking and frustrating. It seemed every time the woman took three steps toward recovery she ended being knocked twenty steps back. She’d be so devastated when she came back from wherever it was her mind had gone.
Tanner knew this was an episode brought on by anxiety. Temperance had confided in him about the spells that she took and while this was the first of the truly bad ones he had seen--he recognized it for what it was.
Tanner didn’t want to touch her. He had no idea what she was seeing in her mind and he didn’t want to worsen it with physical contact. Instead he lay down on his side in the dwindling daylight and curled up beside her with his face level to hers.
“Temperance?” he whispered. “Come back to me, sweetheart.”
She didn’t respond.
Tanner sighed and studied her. Her green eyes were so dull and every bit of life that had come back to them in the last couple of months was suddenly gone.
Tanner felt a tear slip down his own cheek at the sight. Damn everyone who had hurt this woman. Whatever lingering guilt Tanner had had for killing his brother the way he had disappeared in that moment. Anyone who could do something like this--who could bring a woman as strong as Temperance down to this kind of level--deserved to be shot in the back as he ran away.
Tanner lay there simply remaining by Temperance’s side for a long time. He wasn’t sure how many hours passed but evening became twilight and then faded into night.
Tanner was fighting sleep and losing the battle when he was jerked to alertness by the tiniest of whispers. “I love you, Tanner.”
Tanner’s gaze went to Temperance’s face to find that she once again seemed alert and she was back in reality instead of locked away inside her mind.
“I love you too, Temp,” Tanner replied gently.
“Why are we laying in the yard?” she asked with a frown.
Tanner sighed. “Don’t you remember?”
Temperance seemed to be thinking a moment and then her emerald green eyes filled with shame. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, Temperance,” Tanner assured her. “You never have to apologize to me for being afraid.”
“I panicked. I told you I have attacks of anxiety and I can’t control it…”
“Temperance, quit,” Tanner shushed her gently and sat up. “I told you that you don’t have to apologize or make excuses.”
He held out his hand and Temperance took it and allowed him to help her sit. “How do you feel now?” Tanner asked.
“Embarrassed…” Temperance bit her lip. “I want to be strong for you, Tanner. You’ve done so much to help me and…”
“Listen here, you don’t have to be strong for me. I don’t want you doing anything for my sake. You have to do what is right for you. I want you to be strong for you. We’re all allowed to stumble, Temperance. We’re human and it’s gonna happen even if we wish it wouldn’t. Even on our strongest days we can be pulled back down.”
“How do you do it?” Temperance whispered.
“Do what?”
“Seem so strong all the time? How do you not e
ver let the past completely overwhelm you?”
“Who says I don’t?” Tanner inquired. “I could have killed Wilma today and to tell the truth I thought about it for a full thirty seconds before I determined it was a bad idea. I’m not perfect, Temperance, not by a long shot.”
They fell into silence for a few long seconds before Temperance spoke again. “Did Jackson see?”
“No,” Tanner assured her. “No, he didn’t see.”
Temperance swiped at the dirt stains on her tan skirt, “Good. He hasn’t seen me fall apart a long time… I don’t want him seeing it ever again.”
“Wilma told me what you were talking about when you had your attack,” Tanner admitted.
“Tanner…” Temperance whispered.
Tanner shook his head and cut her off. “Temperance, I want to be your husband more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I want to be able to say to people that the beautiful, intelligent, strong, breathtaking woman beside me is my wife. To say that she picked me over every other man on earth to share her life with. But I won’t ever push you and I made it clear to Wilma that she’s not to push you either…”
“I want to marry you, Tanner.”
Tanner froze. His heart ceased to beat. He blinked in rapid succession as he stared hard at Temperance’s face. He searched her eyes but gone was any fear or uncertainty. All he saw was confidence and love shining back at him.
“You what?”
“I want to marry you…” Temperance reached out and took his hand. “I love you, you love me and you aren’t them. You remind me so much of my father and my brothers--of Robert even. You are everything I ever imagined I’d one day want in a husband. You are an amazing man and father and I want to marry you. I just want to make sure you understand that love, companionship and respect might be all I can give to you…”
Tanner leaped to his feet and pulled Temperance to hers as well. He couldn’t seem to wipe the beaming smile off his face. “Temperance, damnation that’s all I need! Do you know how blessed a man I’d be just to have you as a wife?”
Against Her Will Page 22