“I would be the blessed one, Tanner,” Temperance replied as her cheeks reddened and she dipped her head down causing strands of red curls to fall across her cheeks.
“But are you sure this is what you want?” Tanner questioned cautiously. “You’re not just agreeing because you think you have to?”
Temperance shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that to you,” she vowed. “I’ve kept you waiting a long time, Tanner, and it’s because I wanted to be sure and I’m sure now.”
Temperance must have still seen the doubts lingering in his eyes because she chewed her lip and squared her shoulders. “I know that I just had a break down and so I seemed weak but it wasn’t thoughts of you that did it. Wilma was right. We love one another, Tanner. We should be married. I want to be your wife and share my life with you. My breakdown had nothing to do with you and nothing to do with her… I had a flashback and that flashback turned into more flashbacks and before I knew it I’d lost control of myself. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t see…. I haven’t had an anxiety attack that severe in a long while and, though I’d like to, I can’t promise I’ll never have one again.”
Tanner reached out and pulled her into a hug. He expected her to stiffen but instead she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his heart. “I’ll be right here through them all, Temp. That’s what a husband does.”
Temperance smiled up at him and Tanner couldn’t believe that this was the same woman who had been catatonic upon the dirt so very recently. She was glowing and bright and vibrant…
“Thank you for caring so much about me, Tanner. I know I’m not easy to put up with…”
Tanner scoffed. “You are my world, Temp. You and that boy are all I need. I’ll be right here ‘til the day I die.”
Temperance laid her head back against his chest and yawned. “Now, let’s get you inside so you can rest,” Tanner said. “Your body probably needs it.”
Temperance nodded in agreement. They walked to the steps and Tanner froze. He stared at that porch that he had yet to walk across to enter the house. He felt Temperance give his hand a squeeze. “Come on, Tanner. You can do it.”
Tanner took a deep breath and nodded. He could do it. With this woman by his side he could do anything. Together they stepped across that porch and Tanner opened the door and led them both inside. He walked her up to her room and laid a tender kiss to her brow, “Rest well, Temperance. If you are still sure about marriage in the morning then we’ll go talk to Patrick.”
Temperance nodded. “I’ll be sure, Tanner. I promise.”
Tanner hoped and prayed she would be. But he wasn’t going to push her either way. He gave her hand one last squeeze and then turned and walked away.
***
Temperance watched him go and marveled at the change she felt inside. It was the strangest thing. She had been feeling more strong and sure of herself everyday here lately but then she’d had that attack and broken completely for a while as she had laid out in the dirt…
But upon waking up she’d had a revelation.
The past was the past.
Those men who had made her life hell could no longer get to her. Yancy wouldn’t dare show his face anywhere near here and Tanner had killed Trevor and the men working with him.
Tanner was her future. Jackson was her future. This plantation was her future. She couldn’t continue to live half in the past and half in the future the way she had been.
She was going to grab the happiness that she’d been blessed with. Tanner loved her and she loved him. While she knew that marital duties in the bedroom were not something she was capable of--at least not now-- Tanner seemed to honestly not be bothered by that and so she would stop letting that hold her back from marrying him.
He was too good a man to keep hanging the way she had.
Temperance went into Jackson’s dark bedroom and heard his light snores filling the air. She regretted that she hadn’t been able to sing him his lullaby or read a story to him.
She made herself a vow that she would do her very best to never have a break down that caused her to neglect her son again. Her son deserved to have the best her that she could give to him.
Gently, Temperance smoothed his dark hair from his brow and kissed his cheek. He didn’t even stir so lost he was in dreams.
Temperance went back to her room and stood in the moonlight on her balcony. Gone was the fearful woman she had been for so long. She was going to be the woman that Tanner deserved for a wife, the woman that Jackson deserved for a mother and the woman that Temperance deserved for herself.
Chapter Forty-Eight
“Married?!” Sophia clapped with joy as her brown eyes lit with surprise. “You’re getting married?”
Tanner nodded as he held Jackson on his hip and smiled down at Temperance. “That’s right.”
The kitchen filled with the din of excited voices all rejoicing over the newest development. Temperance found it a bit overwhelming. She felt eyes watching her from the corner and turned to see Wilma standing there. “Temperance, can I talk to ya a moment, child?” the woman questioned meekly.
Temperance nodded and she and the older woman left the kitchen and stepped out onto the side porch together where there was not only privacy but peace and quiet. Wilma tugged on her apron strings and frowned. “I’m real sorry about yesterday, child…’
“Don’t apologize,” Temperance quickly interrupted. “You didn’t do a thing wrong, Wilma! You were right. There was nothing holding me back from marriage except myself. Tanner doesn’t expect me to give him anything I’m not ready to give and he would never take it by force. That was simply my fear playing tricks on me.”
Wilma’s shoulders sagged with relief. “So ya aren’t angry at me?”
Temperance smiled and shook her head. “No, of course not.”
“Tanner was sure angry…” Wilma admitted.
Temperance nodded, “He didn’t understand everything that had gone on. He only saw me lying there and he took out his fear and frustrations on you. For that I’m sorry and I’m sure he’ll apologize as well.”
Wilma hugged Temperance gently. “I never wanted to hurt ya, child. You are an angel to this house and we love ya dearly. Ya know that, don’t ya?”
“I love you too, Wilma.”
Wilma led her back inside and held up her hands. “Now that we know there’s going to be a wedding we have to get to planning!”
“And that would be my cue to skedaddle.” Tanner bent down and kissed Temperance’s hair tenderly. He glanced at the other women in the kitchen. “Whatever she wants is what she gets. Grand, simple, expensive or modest, the woman gets the wedding of her dreams.”
“Can I come out with you, daddy?” Jackson questioned.
“Of course you can! We’ve only got two and a half more months until that fair so we gotta get you and your pony ready.”
Temperance smiled as she watched Tanner and Jackson go out the door lost in conversation.
“Temperance, this is wonderful,” Millie smiled brightly, “It is so nice to see you happy!”
“I don’t believe we’ve ever seen you happy,” Sophia agreed.
“I hadn’t been truly happy in a long time but I am now,” Temperance’s smile grew larger. “And I deserve it.”
“Yes ya do.” Wilma grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil. “And you are the only one of us who can read or right well so sit down and help us make this list. We have a weddin’ to plan.”
***
“How did the planning go?” Tanner asked Temperance that evening as they sat together on the back porch swing long after Jackson had been tucked in and the plantation had fallen silent.
“Exhausting,” Temperance yawned and Tanner chuckled.
“I thought women enjoyed planning parties?”
“You thought wrong,” Temperance assured him. “They’re all horrified because I want everything to be simple and I don’t want a large crowd.”
Tan
ner reached over and took her hand in his. “Small guest list?”
“Yes. Everyone here on the plantation, of course, and Patrick…. There really aren’t any other people I want to be here.”
Tanner could hear sadness in her voice and he frowned. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
Temperance’s green eyes reddened as she stared out over the dark fields. “I wish my family could be here. I used to dream of my wedding day but I always imagined my father walking me down the aisle while my brothers threatened my groom, my sisters tossed flowers and my mother cried.”
Tanner longed to take her in his arms but was afraid of frightening her. “It may not be the wedding you always dreamed of but you’ll have me there and Jackson and your new family… we all love you.”
Temperance smiled and much to Tanner’s surprise, and delight, she curled up against him and laid her head on his chest as his arm circled tight around her. “I know. I love you too. I am happy, Tanner. Please don’t ever doubt that.”
“So when is this wedding going to be?” Tanner hoped it would be soon. He had been told many times he had the patience of a saint but he’d been waiting a lot of years for Temperance to be his wife and those saintly patience were wearing thin.
“Three weeks.”
“That long?”
Temperance laughed lightly her head still resting against his heart. “They took all control from me when it came to the time table. Wilma and Sarah insist that there must be flower arrangements done just so and my dress must be just right…”
“I guess I can wait three weeks to call you my wife. I shouldn’t complain too badly. I’m out of prison and you’re in my arms so life is already a hell of a lot better than it was just a few short months ago.”
“I feel safe in your arms, Tanner. Safe and protected….”
Tanner smiled and kissed her red curls. “You don’t need my protection, Temp. You’re a strong woman but you are right about being safe. There’s no safer place for you to be than right here because I’d never hurt you and I’d never allow anyone else to do it either.”
Silence fell between them as they rocked together on the swing. It was a comfortable silence full of peace and Tanner was thankful for it. He had always been a man who valued silence and the things that could be heard without noise and chatter.
“Can you do something for me tomorrow?” Temperance asked after a long while.
“Anything,” Tanner replied without hesitation.
“Apologize to Wilma.”
“For what?” Tanner frowned.
“For yelling at her yesterday. She feels terrible and is convinced that you hate her.”
“I didn’t yell…” Tanner rubbed at his neck. “I just elevated my tone a bit.”
“Tanner, I completely understand why you reacted the way you did but you do owe her an apology. She didn’t mean anything by what she said to me…”
Tanner sighed. “Alright. First thing in the morning, I’ll apologize to her.”
“Thank you.”
“Now I have to ask a favor of you.”
“What?” Temperance questioned skeptically.
“I want us to go on a trip. Just me and you for a couple of weeks after the wedding.”
Temperance pulled away from him and fixed him with a gaze that let him know she thought him mentally disturbed. “What?!” she exclaimed.
“Temperance, calm down,” Tanner shushed gently when he heard her breathing picking up pace. “It’s not unheard of and is actually quite customary for a husband and wife to take a trip together.”
Temperance’s mouth opened and closed several times as if she were a fish out of water. Finally she squared her shoulders. “I’ve never been away from Jackson for that long…”
“He’ll be fine here with the family. I actually already talked to him about it and he…”
Temperance stood up and whirled on him. “You talked to him about this trip before you talked to me?”
Tanner frowned. “Yes… Why are you angry?”
“Because this trip is something you should have discussed with me before you discussed it with my son.”
“Our son,” Tanner corrected as he too stood up. “And I was just asking him if he would be okay with Wilma and the others tucking him at night for a little while if I took his mommy on a trip.”
Temperance’s face was a mask of so many emotions that Tanner couldn’t hope to decipher them all at once. She shook her head. “I’ll not be going on any trip anywhere alone with you and you cannot make me. I will not do another thing in my life against my will.”
Temperance turned on her heel and strode into the house. Tanner stood there a moment and then stormed off into the yard. He kicked at a clump of weeds and cursed that woman’s stubbornness to the pits of hell.
Sometimes being a calm, patient and understanding man had its disadvantages.
Tanner had anticipated the trip being something that frightened her but he hadn’t expected her to flat out refuse so dramatically. She hadn’t even allowed him to tell her where he wanted to take her. It was her healing and her soul that he had in mind when he had come up with their destination but Temperance didn’t seem interested in hearing about that.
Tanner wondered if there would ever come a day when Temperance wasn’t at least the tiniest bit afraid of him. She claimed to feel safe and protected in his arms and yet she wouldn’t go on a trip alone with him--and Tanner knew the reason wasn’t separation from Jackson. Her parting words had been proof enough of what her true reasons were.
Tanner looked up at the sky and wondered how exactly a man could go about convincing a woman that he wasn’t his brother--because she had just treated him as if he were.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Temperance had to be having a dream--a nightmare. This couldn’t truly be happening.
“It’s his heart,” Wilma’s voice was a broken shell of what it had once been. “It’s givin’ out on him.”
“Temp?”
Temperance heard Tanner’s voice but her eyes were locked on the man lying so still and frail upon the bed before her.
Felix.
The man who had been like a father to her. The man who had taken a beating for giving her a blanket so very long ago. A man she loved with all her heart.
He was dying.
Felix had been an old man the entire time that Temperance had known him and yet he had never seemed as old and fragile as he was right now. His dark skin was drawn and ashen. His lips had lost their color. His eyes were closed but moving rapidly beneath his eyelids as if he were seeing something that the rest of them could not.
Temperance’s heart tore in half as she took in the sight. Yet another person she loved was going to die right before her eyes and there was nothing she could do to save him--nothing she could do to convince his body and soul to stay there with her.
“Temp, we should go…” Tanner urged.
“I’m staying,” Temperance stated as she walked to the bed and dropped to her knees beside it--taking the post that Wilma had just abandoned.
She took the wet rag form a bowl of water and wrung it out before wiping it across Felix’s heated brow.
Temperance was glad it was night and Jackson was asleep. She didn’t want her son to see this. Death was not a pretty sight. Temperance felt Tanner’s presence behind her and was thankful for it. She might be losing someone she loved but this time she wasn’t going to have to do it alone.
“Temperance?” Felix’s weak voice drew Temperance’s gaze to his face.
“You need to rest, Felix,” she whispered.
“Plenty of time for that soon when I move on to heaven, girl.”
Temperance fought hard to hold back her tears. “Don’t say that…” she scolded. “You’re going to be okay.”
“Of course I am. I’m going on up to heaven, child, and there’s no better ending for an old man than that.”
Temperance’s body quaked with sadness and Tanner’s gentle hand came
to rest on her shoulder. She took strength from him and offered Felix a small smile. “You are a good man, Felix”
“Temperance, can I offer you a bit of advice before I’m gone?” he asked, his voice weak and strained.
Temperance didn’t trust herself to speak and so she simply nodded. Felix offered a weak smile. “You are marrying this man in just one more weeks time… Trust him. Don’t ya argue with me and say that ya do because ya don’t; not fully. Trust him with your heart and with your body child. Give him the chance to prove he won’t hurt ya.”
“Felix…” Temperance glanced around the room but realized that she and Tanner were alone with the man. She shook her head. “I can’t give him that…”
Tanner cleared his throat. “I’m gonna go wait outside the door. Just call for me if you need me.”
Temperance watched him leave and then turned back to Felix as the old man let out a haggard sigh. “It’ll come with time but ya can start with smaller things. Kissing, touching, curling up together as ya sleep--those things mean a lot to a man. Trust him, Temperance. I’ve known him since he was born and he’s not his brother. He won’t hurt you.”
Temperance couldn’t believe that she was having this discussion with someone and a man at that! “When I close my eyes sometimes I still see those men… I don’t want to hurt Tanner and I know he isn’t them but I can’t control it…”
“Child, you have to let those demons go or they’re going to eat away at your happiness every single day. Marry him, go on this trip he’s planned that the two of you have avoiding talking about the last couple of weeks. Trust in him and let him love those bad memories away, sweetheart.”
Temperance nodded and offered a shaky smile as she fought back tears. “Okay. For you I will…”
Felix shook his head. “Not for me!” he snapped before gasping for air. Temperance shushed him and urged him to be calm. He glared at her from where he lay against the bed. “Don’t you go doing it for me! Do it for you, Temperance.”
Temperance nodded again. “Okay, I promise,” she whispered.
Against Her Will Page 23