Children No More-ARC

by Mark L. Van Name

  The only games I'd ever played were with Jennie, and none of those were physical. By the time my mind had developed enough that I could handle any kid game that interested her, I was already so much bigger than she was that we stuck to hide-and-seek, cloud shape naming, running, and building sandcastles. The idea of being a kid who had friends and played games with them was appealing but no more relevant to me than the flight of the birds that zipped from tree to tree overhead.

  "Moore," Long called, "want to join us?"

  I'd been walking patrol along the perimeter and hadn't even realized I'd stopped and was watching them. Guard duty had become dramatically more boring since Nagy's death, because everyone knew now what could happen if you tried to leave. Still, Lim insisted we keep at it, which was wise; Wylak would be on us in an instant if anything else were to happen right now, and we needed every bit of the two weeks he'd given us.

  We actually needed more, but we couldn't have it, so I had to hope Jack was at the top of his game.

  I also didn't mind the patrols. They kept me outdoors, in the world. When you know you might be fighting in less than a dozen days, the air tastes cleaner, the trees smell nicer, and even the food in the meal tents tastes better.

  "What about it, Moore?" Long said.

  I smiled and said, "No, thanks. I've never done anything like it, so I'd be terrible at it."

  "Only one way to get better," he said. "Besides, it's good to do things in a group. Builds teamwork."

  "Big man afraid of a little ball," Bony said, shaking his head in mock disbelief. "Makes no sense."

  The other boys laughed.

  "You going to let that challenge stand?" Long said. "You're giving us grown-ups a bad reputation." His tone was joking, but his expression made it clear that he wanted me to join them.

  I had no idea why, but I also couldn't see how it could hurt. "Okay," I said. "I'll try. You guys have to take it easy on me, though, and someone has to show me what to do."

  Bony and the boy next to him, whose name I didn't know, made room for me between them.

  A kid kicked the ball to Long, who stopped it with his foot.

  "Do what I did," Long said. "As soon as you've stopped the ball, pass it to anyone you want except the guys on either side of you or the one who sent it to you."

  He kicked the ball to Bony, who stopped it and sent it to a boy to his right.

  "That's it," Long said.

  "Seems easy enough," I said.

  The kid with the ball fired it at me. I moved my foot a second after the ball shot past me.

  Everyone laughed.

  "Oh, yeah," Long said, "I forgot one other rule: You miss it, you run and fetch it. Better get moving."

  Everyone laughed again.

  By reflex, I began to get angry, but as I looked at the faces of the kids in the circle, it was obvious that though they were laughing at me, it was with no particular malice or meanness. So, I smiled and chased down the ball.

  When Long called the end of the game forty-five minutes later, so we could all get ready for dinner, I was soaked with sweat. I was also more often than not stopping the shots that came my way. After watching me be everyone's target for the first ten minutes, Bony had taken pity on me and showed me how to move my foot slightly backward as the ball made contact, so I was absorbing the momentum rather than bouncing the wall off my rigid leg. The combination of exercise and the focus necessary to handle the kicks had let me escape for a time the problems we were facing. I was grateful for that and thanked the others as they left.

  Bony and three other boys stayed behind, so I waited with them. When the remainder of the group was out of earshot, he said, "How old were you?"

  "Huh?" I said.

  "How old were you when you first had to fight?"

  "It's complicated," I said.

  He shook his head and turned away. "I should have known," he said to the others. "Let's go."

  I caught him in a few steps and knelt so I was face-to-face with him. "I'm not avoiding the answer. It's complicated because—" I stopped as I realized that Lobo was going to hear all of this. If I was going to tell Bony, I should have told Lobo first, but the boy was reaching out, and I didn't want to turn him away. The more I thought about it, the less I wanted to go into details. Finally, I said, "It's complicated because I don't like to talk about my past. That's all." I decided to go with my mental age, which was hard to nail down, because I had been learning so quickly after Jennie fixed me. "About ten," I said. "I don't remember exactly."

  He nodded. "I'm eleven."

  "Twelve."

  "Ten."

  "Eight," the smallest boy said, clearly proud.

  Nothing I could say would make clear why this was nothing to be proud about, so I stayed quiet.

  After a bit, Bony said, "How bad did it get?"

  "Bad enough," I said. My mind flooded with images of Bob and Han dead on the sand on Dump and of Alex crying in my arms. "I lost friends." Benny next to me, both of us strapped into chairs in the Aggro labs—torture rooms, really, but they called them labs. All the pain, all the deaths, all the people I'd never see again—it all washed over me. "I lost a lot."

  Bony nodded again. "You want us to stop fighting so no more of that happens to us."

  "Yes," I said. "You've seen too much already."

  "But you're still fighting," he said. "How long have you been doing it?"

  "Most of my life," I said without even thinking. "Pretty much all of it."

  "And you're okay," he said. "You're doing good. So fighting can work out."

  I wanted to scream how wrong he was, how the cost grew and grew as the years wore on, but I knew from watching Schmidt and Long and all the other counselors that responding violently never helped. I took a deep breath and said, "You don't see it, but I pay every day. If you stop now, you'll have days, maybe even weeks, possibly whole months, when everything is good and your time as a soldier doesn't enter your mind. I don't have that."

  "Maybe," Bony said.

  It was my turn to nod. "Maybe. That's the best I can offer you, because I don't know for sure. These counselors tell me the pain will fade, and I believe them."

  "Maybe is better than no chance at all," Bony said.

  "It is," I said. "It most definitely is."

  "So why are you still fighting?" he said. "The way you walk, the way you look around, everything about you says you're a soldier."

  I started to answer but couldn't. I wasn't sure I knew. "That really is complicated," I said.

  "The lines at dinner are always long," he said. "We have time."

  I sat and considered his question.

  He and the other three sat in front of me. They all stared at me. Two played with the grass. Bony and the other one remained still.

  Finally, I said, "You may not believe me, but I'm honestly not completely sure. I'll tell you what I know, and it'll have to be enough, because it's all I have. Partly, I fight because people need help. Even when I'm trying to hide, people who need someone like me seem to find me."

  "You must not be trying very hard," Bony said. "You're a grown-up. You can go anywhere. It's a big universe."

  "You're probably right," I said, "though it always feels like I'm trying. That's why that answer is only part of it. Another part is that fighting has become what I do, like some people build things and others staff jump gates." I took a deep breath. "And part of it is probably because I need to—though I'm not sure why."

  "Being like you doesn't sound so bad," he said. The other three nodded their agreement.

  I wanted to grab them and shake them and tell them how wrong they were, but instead I hit the ground hard with my right fist.

  "It's worse than you know," I said. I leaned toward them. "Listen, I'm no good at explaining this, but if there's any chance at all that you can have a normal life—and you can, all of you can, I really believe that—then you should jump at that chance. These people are here to prepare you for that kind of life. When you're re
ady, they'll find you families." I closed my eyes and saw Jennie on the day she'd left me, Benny as we were boarding the shuttle on Dump, all the people I'd cared about and lost over so very many years. When I looked at the boys again, my throat was full and talking was difficult. "You'll have that chance. You have to take it, you really do. Be glad every day for the new life you get."

  "What if that man Wylak kicks out the counselors?" Bony said.

  I leaned back in surprise.

  "What, you don't think we hear things?" he said. He chuckled. "We all listen, and we all talk. Just because you're big doesn't mean you always remember to close a window or whisper or look around before you open your mouth."

  I smiled. "You're right about that," I said.

  "So what about that man?" Bony said.

  I shook my head. "I won't let that happen."

  "So to stop us from having to fight, you plan to fight?" He paused. "That doesn't seem like a great plan."

  "You're right," I said. "It doesn't."

  He nodded, tilted his head, and said, "Were you trying to hide before somebody got you involved in all this?"

  "Yeah," I said. "I was."

  "You're not very good at the hiding game, are you?" he said.

  The others laughed.

  I joined them. "No, I guess not."

  "And now you'll end up fighting again," he said.

  "I hope not. I don't want to fight. Sometimes, many times—most times—there are other options." I needed Jack and Maggie to succeed. "I think this is one of those times."

  "But you're not sure," Bony said.

  "No," I said, "not completely."

  "Then we'll fight with you," he said.

  "No!" I said, my voice louder than I'd intended. I held up my hands and quickly said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. It's just that if you're ever going to have those normal lives, you have to stop being soldiers sometime. That time is now. You're kids. Fighting is not your job."

  "We were good fighters," Bony said. "We could help."

  I stood. "I'm sure you could, but no more. No more. With any luck at all, none of us will have to fight. No matter what, though, you won't."

  Lobo's voice came over the comm. "As honest as you're trying to be, do you want to make that promise? I have news."

  I did, so I didn't bother to answer him. I stared at the boys. "No more fighting for you."

  "You say that now," Bony said, "but when you need soldiers, we'll be ready."

  I wasn't going to change his mind, so I ignored him and forced a smile. "Let's get some dinner. I'll race you."

  I took off at a slow jog so they'd have a chance of catching me.

  While I was still in front of them, I said over the comm, "Please don't tell me the news is bad."

  "I wish I could comply with that request," he said.

  Chapter 53

  In the former rebel complex, planet Tumani

  I followed the boys to the dinner line but wandered away as soon as they joined the crowd of hungry kids. I didn't want to have this conversation anywhere that anyone might have even a small chance of hearing it, so I quick-walked to Lobo and stayed silent until I was inside his front pilot area.

  "What's happening?" I said.

  "Wylak's been showing the highlights from your meeting," Lobo said, "with an emphasis on the parts where Lim turns emotional. He's selling the idea that they can no longer trust her with the boys. He's getting a lot of buyers."

  "Do we care?" I said. "We already know he's coming."

  "I see that I should not have taken your question literally," Lobo said, "and instead jumped right to the most important point: Wylak and hundreds of soldiers will be here five days early."

  "So we have only eight more days?"

  "I'm glad to see your arithmetic skills are still in order."

  "You can joke about this?" I screamed. "We may lose all these boys, and you're making jokes."

  "Yes," Lobo said, "so that we can move quickly past the part where you get emotional and instead focus on dealing with the problem. You entered here with an elevated pulse, and this news was sure to upset you, so I simply hastened the process."

  I sat on the couch. He was right. I'd spent this whole job fighting my emotions, letting them affect me more than I should allow. If we were going to save these kids from Wylak, I had to do better. He'd goaded Lim easily, and now we were paying for her mistakes. I couldn't add mine to our troubles.

  "Sorry. I won't do that again. From now on until we're done, you can count on it." I took a deep breath. "So, where are you on the preparations?"

  "Ahead of schedule, which is good," Lobo said, "but it's not clear if I'm ahead enough to cope with this acceleration. I'm penetrating the key Tumani networks, but I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I can't go any faster, though, without leaving traces they might detect."

  "Will you finish before Wylak arrives?"

  "Maybe, but I can't be sure. There's no way from the outside to tell how many layers of protections I'm going to have to pierce. My best estimation is that I will be into some but not all of the defensive, power, and communication systems."

  "So if we have to fight?"

  "We disable what we can, hope the resulting chaos affects the networks that are still operational, and battle whatever forces reach us."

  I wanted to push him harder, but that was another dumb, emotional urge; he was doing the best he could. I twisted my neck to work out some tension. "We have to figure out how to draw the troops away from here as quickly as possible. We need them focusing on us, not the complex, or we'll endanger the boys too much."

  "If we leave, they'll also be vulnerable to a secondary attack while we're occupied."

  "Lim and her people can defend the narrow entrance path for a while," I said, "as long as we can stop any of Wylak's troops from entering this airspace and landing."

  "I can do that," Lobo said, "but you know I can't stop a full-fledged airborne assault—missiles or bombs—on this place."

  "Wylak wants the boys alive," I said. "He won't kill them. He won't even be expecting any resistance, at least not initially."

  "And when he encounters us?"

  "I don't know," I said. "The more I think about it, the less I like fighting. It exposes us and the boys to a host of potential dangers. That's why it's only an alternative if Jack doesn't come through."

  "We have other options," Lobo said. "We could leave."

  "I already told you—"

  "I remember, of course," Lobo said, cutting me off, "but I need to raise a vital point: If we stay and fight, we will be risking the lives of all the people here, including the boys. Once we take on the Tumani armed forces, we'll be in a war. Politicians who make wartime decisions are often willing to sacrifice civilians for victory."

  "If it comes to that, we could contact the coalitions—"

  "And give them what evidence?" Lobo said. "Wylak has primed them to see us as the problem. All the data would be easy for us to fabricate—and even easier for Wylak to deny."

  I stood and paced back and forth in the small space. Endangering the boys would be a self-defeating choice for Wylak, because the whole point of his maneuvering was to get more soldiers. On the other hand, he was a man who fought to win. If we challenged the entire government on its own turf, he would easily gain the support he needed to wipe us out. He might even get the EC and the FC to help him, because no coalition looked kindly on an attack on a sovereign government. Once either coalition had troops on the ground, he would also be a big step closer to getting them to fight the rebels for him. Going to war with him and his troops could ultimately prove to be the biggest favor we could do for him.

  Damn.

  "I said I wouldn't let him take these boys. I said I'd fight. If it comes down to fighting or leaving, though, I can either risk their lives or abandon them to being soldiers again."

  "Yes. At least as soldiers, some might survive."

  "To live what kinds of lives?" I said.

  "M
aybe the kind you live," Lobo said.

  I didn't know what to say to that. I couldn't save myself from the hard nights and the dark dreams and the visions of past losses that were always at the edge of my mind. I'd thought I could help save the boys. I still wanted to believe that.

  "I need to think," I said. "We have some time. Besides, maybe we won't have to fight. Anything from Jack or Maggie?"

  "Yes," Lobo said, "to my surprise. That's the one bit of good news: As we were talking, an encrypted but verifiable burst from Jack arrived. He said he could handle the new, shorter schedule you sent."

  "Good," I said, "because now we have to tell him that he just lost five more days."

  I was too tense to eat, but I wasn't yet sufficiently in control of myself that I was willing to risk talking to Lim or any of her people. One of the lessons I'd learned early in my time with the Saw is that when a mission gives you a chance to sleep, take it. I stretched out on my cot and tried to calm myself.

  In eight days, I might have to choose what to do about the boys, but I didn't have to make that choice now. In eight days, I might fail them, might send Bony and his friends and all the rest back to war for Tumani. In eight days, I might fail them a different way, turn them into soldiers fighting alongside me by dragging them into a conflict they had no clue was brewing. I might soon do those horrible things.

  But not today.

  Today, I could hope that Jack would come through.

  Today, I wasn't failing anyone.

  Today, they were boys safe in a complex with people who cared about them and who were trying to help them return to normal lives.

  Today, everything was okay.

  I fell asleep wishing foolishly that it could stay that way and fighting to stave off the memories of my own past failures, those many days when the best plan I had simply wasn't good enough.

  Chapter 54

  Dump Island, planet Pinkelponker - 139 years earlier

  "Get inside," Benny said, "and push that top button."

  I did. The door shut.

  Benny's eyes were half closed.

  "Are you falling asleep?"