Sellout

by Ebony Joy Wilkins

  “How is Ms. Tilly?” he asked.

  I pictured her cooking and humming in the kitchen. Pretty soon she’d be walking downstairs to find out what was taking me so long. The menu for the night was pot roast.

  “She’s fine, you want to come up?” I asked him. He pointed to his watch and shook his head. “Well, I’ll tell her you asked about her.”

  “See you later?” Amir asked. He sounded hopeful.

  “Okay,” I said.

  When I got back to Tilly’s apartment, she was checking on a delicious-smelling roast. One hand was on her hip and the other was frantically seasoning the meat.

  “It’s about time. That boy better not be the reason you took so long,” she said, huffing like she just finished a race. “I love him and all but you better watch yourself, girl.”

  “Tilly, please,” I told her, setting down the bags quickly. “There was a long line at the checkout, that’s all.”

  She slammed the cabinet shut and sucked her teeth. She wasn’t buying it. I took the butter out and scooped a chunk into a pot to boil some rice.

  Before long, Tilly had pot roast and green beans ready and waiting on the center of her table. My rice was a little overdone and I’d made enough for five people, but I set the bowl on the table.

  “Anything exciting happen at the center today?” she asked, taking a bite. She already knew everything that went on. I didn’t know why she even needed to ask.

  “Not really,” I said, waiting for her to beg.

  “Really,” she said, scraping some rice onto her fork with her fingers. “Nothing at all? You better stop playing with me, girl, and tell me what happened to you. I’m too old for the guessing games.”

  “Well, I got a bloody nose during the game and I had a meeting with Red, Monique, and Coach about a little misunderstanding,” I said quickly. “But don’t worry. We worked everything out together. Monique is going to help me plan the recognition ceremony.”

  “Really?” Tilly asked. “And how do you feel about that?”

  “Oh, things are getting better with the girls,” I told her, before biting into my food. “I’m sure everything will be fine now.”

  Tilly set her fork down slowly and tilted her head to the side. She looked confused and relieved at the same time.

  “What, Tilly?” I asked her. “Really, things will be fine.”

  “Just watch your back,” she said quietly, picking up her napkin to wipe her mouth. “I didn’t put you in an easy situation and I certainly didn’t put you here to get hurt. Just watch yourself and be careful. Don’t ever forget that, okay?”

  I didn’t know everything about the girls at Amber’s Place, but I was smart enough to know that nothing about my life back home would help me out in this situation.

  “Don’t worry, Tilly,” I told her, “I’ve got everything under control.”

  “Alright,” she said. She picked up her fork again to finish off the remaining rice and green beans on her plate. “So, what was the misunderstanding with Monique?”

  “Someone thought she was in Red’s office yesterday morning,” I said. “It was all just a mix-up.”

  “A mix-up, huh?” Tilly asked.

  “Yeah, a mix-up,” I said. “We’re supposed to meet tomorrow to start planning.”

  Tilly put her fork down again. To date, this was the slowest Tilly had ever cleared her plate. We’d been sitting for almost a half hour and she still had food left. I should have known she was really worried.

  “Just be careful,” Tilly said. “Monique may not even be able to talk to you tomorrow. You know it is visitor’s day at the center. The girls can invite anyone they like to visit in place of their group time. Her bad-news boyfriend is scheduled to come. The guards warned me earlier today. Apparently, he ain’t one to write home about.”

  I put my own fork down and put one hand over my grandma’s. I hadn’t seen her this worried in awhile, not since she caught a glimpse of my scarf bun during my recital.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll be careful,” I told her, just as my phone rang.

  I left Tilly at the table and answered.

  “Hey, NaTasha,” Heather said sullenly.

  “Hey, yourself,” I said, wishing I had let the call go to voice mail.

  There was a long awkward pause, as if a stranger were calling and we had no idea what to say next. The call didn’t seem like one from my best friend in the world. The silence was unbearable.

  “So, I have some great news,” I said. “A few of the girls from the center are going to help me plan the recognition ceremony.”

  “You’re planning what?” she asked quietly.

  “Oh, they recognize the girls for completing the program at Amber’s Place,” I told her. “So, what’s been up with you?”

  Silence again. Most people who make a phone call to someone have something to say.

  “Well, aren’t you going to tell me about Stephanie and how you two are inseparable now and how the matching haircuts are so cute and how you’re best friends with her now?”

  I hadn’t meant it to sound as pathetic and desperate as it came out, but that’s exactly how I was feeling. And she should have already known that.

  “Oh, wait, let me guess, Stephanie is on the phone again, right?” I accused.

  “No, she’s not, and, Tash, I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” she answered. It hadn’t been that long since she and I were sitting on my bed staring at the plastic stars on my bedroom ceiling together. “I never should have had Stephanie on that phone call. She really is trying to be friends now, so I thought we could give her a chance.”

  We? It was my turn to stay quiet.

  “Did you hear me, NaTasha?”

  “Well, I’ll think about it,” I said. More silence. I wanted to know exactly what the two of them had been up to, but she had just apologized, so I left it alone.

  “It sounds like you’re busy and starting to have a good time there,” she said. “Are you homesick at all?”

  I couldn’t tell her how badly I wanted to be home with my best friend or how much it was killing me not to be able to go to Matt Billings’s party. She wouldn’t understand how terribly Quiana and Monique were treating me. I didn’t want to explain how miserable I was, so I lied.

  “Yeah, it’s great,” I said, “I even talked to Tilly about staying for the whole summer. The girls at Amber’s Place really need my help and all, you understand.”

  If only she knew how far I was reaching to pull out that lie, she might never speak to me again. I didn’t even know where it was coming from. I wasn’t a person to lie, especially not to Heather.

  “That’s great,” she said flatly. A tinge of anger and resentment swelled up in me.

  “Okay, well, it’s been great catching up,” I said, rushing her off the phone. “Have fun at home and tell everyone I said hello.”

  “Okay, bye.”

  I hung up before she or I could lie any further.

  I went back into the kitchen to help Tilly clean. Thankfully, she didn’t ask me any questions about what she’d just overheard, which was good because I wanted to process what had just happened. Scrubbing the dishes and double drying them didn’t seem to ease my mind, so I convinced Tilly to let me sit on the stoop for a while before turning in.

  I wasn’t the only one having trouble relaxing.

  Khalik was sprawled across three steps. If I didn’t know him better, I would have assumed he was another homeless guy napping on the stairs.

  “What are you doing out?” he asked. “I thought all you goody-two-shoes types went to bed early on school nights?”

  He laughed at his own joke and I smiled. If only he knew how badly I had just treated Heather, he wouldn’t think I was so good at all.

  “Good thing it’s not a school night,” I said, after trying to come up with a better comeback than that. “What about you? Why aren’t you out harassing some innocent girls on the street?”

  “’Cause it’s too much fun to sit here
and harass you,” he said, winking at me.

  I looked into the street and watched a kid driving an Escort slowly down the block. I had the urge to run next to the car just to see if I could beat him to the stoplight.

  “So, what’s up?” Khalik asked, rolling onto his side so he was facing me. “You look a little better without the bandage. I see the girls at Amber’s Place are warming up to you already.”

  I shook my head, feeling like the tears would come if I opened my mouth at all. Khalik was full of jokes, and had a good laugh at my expense.

  “Really, I was just playing earlier, I’m not here to harass you,” he said, removing the pick from his hair. “You can tell me what’s up.”

  What’s up was I was confused, confused about Amber’s Place, confused about home, confused about me, confused about everything. How could I explain all that to him without sounding like a nut?

  “I just got off the phone with my best friend,” I said, quietly, hoping I wouldn’t cry in front of him again. “And it didn’t go well.”

  I glanced at him. He was listening and not laughing, so I kept going.

  “I think she’s replaced me already,” I told him. “I haven’t even been gone that long and I’m already replaced.”

  “That’s messed up,” he said.

  He shook his head like he knew what I was talking about. He pulled himself up until he was sitting right next to me on the same step. I could smell the chocolate scent of his hair lotion and sniffed slightly to get more. It was nice of him to listen.

  “All I wanted to do was tell her how things may have taken a better turn at the center today,” I said, “I didn’t even get to tell her about the girls and who I’d be working with. She wasn’t really interested.”

  “So, what is going on up there?” he said. I could tell he was trying to change the subject to get my mind off of Heather. I let him. My head was starting to hurt a little anyway. “I think I know somebody that goes there.”

  “Who is it?” I asked.

  “This chick named Monique,” he said nonchalantly.

  I looked at him to see if he was joking. He could tell I must have made some connection because I scrunched up my face and looked away immediately. He smiled slyly. It was an incredibly small world.

  “How do you know her?” I asked.

  “Long story,” he said quickly. “Me and that girl used to date back in the day but she had mad issues, way too much to deal with. You meet her or something?”

  “Something like that,” I said, not wanting to get into it anymore that night.

  “Well, just look out for her,” he said, standing up and brushing off the back of his jeans. “She can be a piece of work. I’ll catch you later.”

  He left me there to think about what a “piece of work” she had been already. My trip down to the stoop had turned out to be just as disturbing as my phone call. Khalik and Monique? Dating? Sleep was out of the question for sure.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  IT WAS PERFORMANCE time again. I pulled on a black tutu over a black leotard and tied a black ribbon into my hair. Marcia waved us all over but skipped our normal warm-up routine. She said we needed to focus more on the proper ways to braid, so that’s what we did, braided and rebraided our hair.

  When all of our braids looked the same—mine with more scarf than hair—we marched to the stage in military precision and waited for the curtain to rise.

  Small billows of smoke filled the stage floor and the curtain rose on cue. Hundreds of clowns applauded for us as we pirouetted onto the stage.

  “What’s going on?” I asked the dancer to my right. I couldn’t picture her face or her name. She wore a pair of stockings covering her face, like she was hiding her identity. It was almost as if she had no face at all. She turned to me and smiled an eerie grin but kept dancing. I turned to Marcia on the side of the stage. She pulled on a clown mask of her own without looking in my direction.

  “Marcia, what is happening here?” I whispered loudly. She didn’t respond but clapped along with the other clowns. “Answer me, what is this?”

  I spun in perfect time with the music. Apparently, the other dancers didn’t think so. They formed a circle around me and pushed me around and around until everyone had a chance to shove me. I spun like I was on a Ferris wheel at a carnival. I looked for anyone who was familiar to me, anyone who could rescue me, but found no one.

  “I don’t want to do this anymore,” I screamed over the music, waving my hands back and forth above my head. “Stop it, please stop it.”

  The dancers let me out of the circle and jumped into the audience, who roared approval at the show going on. I searched every face in the audience, one by one. Tilly or Mom must be out there somewhere. And where was Heather? We always danced the same numbers. I’d never been onstage without her.

  I turned around and there she was.

  Heather and Quiana wore matching red tutus and skipped across the stage hand in hand. They laughed loudly and pointed in my face.

  “Are you kidding me?” I asked. “Heather, be careful, she’s dangerous. You have to stay away from her.”

  The pair kept dancing as if I weren’t talking at all. More smoke billowed higher and higher into the air, making it harder for me to watch my best friend and my worst enemy, and easier for them to hide from me.

  “Tag, you’re it.” Heather reached out and shoved me across the stage.

  “Tag, you’re still it, Sellout.” Quiana shoved me even harder. I landed on the floor facedown. I stayed that way until I felt two pairs of strong arms dragging me back onto my feet.

  Amir and Khalik carried me like a sack of potatoes and placed me on a pedestal to face all the clowns. The audience threw steaming hot combs and bottles of hair lotion at me at full force. I ducked and dodged as much as I could, but got hit several times. My nose started to bleed. Large welts started to appear on my skin and all I could do was stand and cry.

  “Help me, please,” I asked, reaching out for my friends.

  The girls stood with their arms around one another’s shoulders, while the boys stood guard next to me as if I were a prisoner about to be stoned by an angry mob.

  Amir and Khalik arrested me for dancing in an illegal space and proceeded to take me to a jailhouse. Amir slapped high five with Khalik as they locked me into a cell.

  I was behind bars, but I swayed along with the group as they skipped away.

  “Tash, wake up! It’s me. What are you carrying on about in here?” I could hear Tilly’s voice in the distance and looked around my cell to see where she was. “Girl, you are drenched. You’re gonna lay here and catch pneumonia.”

  I’d had a crazy dream or two in my lifetime, but my attack of the clowns took the cake. Tilly was standing over me, laughing.

  “Girl, you were having some kind of dream last night,” she said.

  “Tilly, there were clowns and I was onstage again,” I started telling her, while freeing myself from the tangled sheets. “The smoke was everywhere and Quiana was dancing with Heather. Even Amir and Khalik were there. They put me in a cell.”

  “You must have caught a chill in the night or something,” she said, wiping my forehead dry. “That must mean you’re in for a heck of a day.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of,” I said quietly.

  Maybe the Amber’s Place girls weren’t going to have a change of heart as I had hoped after all.

  When we walked into Amber’s Place, I was still trying to convince Tilly about the clowns and the smoke. She had laughed at me the whole train ride.

  “Alright, I’m headed to see Red,” Tilly said. “Try and forget about that silly dream and have a good day.”

  She kissed my cheek and walked down the hall giggling.

  I headed off in the direction of our group meeting room, where the visitors were gathering. I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to learn more about these girls. I watched the security guards pat down a few rough-looking kids in oversize clothing. />
  I sat down to watch all of the girls with their visitors. Most girls invited a parent, some had invited a friend, and some had asked boyfriends to come. Red and Tilly walked around greeting everyone and reminding visitors of the rules.

  The whole sight just made me even more homesick than I already was. Maybe I should have asked my parents to visit or even Heather. She was probably too busy gallivanting around town with Stephanie, her new BFF.

  “Don’t have anyone coming to see you, either, huh?” Quiana was stretched out across a couch behind me. I hadn’t even noticed her there. She smirked, but kept watching the security guards like she was expecting someone.

  I shook my head no when I realized she was actually talking to me. “You?”

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but no, my grandmother had to work,” she said. “No one else gives a shit.”

  It wasn’t so hard to believe. I wondered if her grandmother was actually working or if she was really just a figment of Quiana’s imagination.

  “That’s too bad,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

  If it were anyone else, I would have offered to keep them company until the visitors left. With Quiana, it was probably best for us to stay on our respective couches. I didn’t want to go home with any more black eyes if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.

  “Not really,” she said coldly. “I get to watch all these other fools act like they care about each other.”

  She nodded her head in the direction of Monique and a grown man. Monique was holding yellow roses and her boyfriend had a box of chocolates open on the table next to them. Half the box was empty already. He probably ate them on the way.

  Monique’s boyfriend had to be at least ten years older than her. I thought I saw gray hairs peeking out of his Afro. She had her head tilted to the side and a silly grin on her face, like he was casting love spells on her. Quiana stuck her finger in her mouth and pretended to gag. I laughed.

  “Well, maybe they really do care about each other,” I offered. She looked at me with disgust on her face. I shrugged. “You never know, they could be in love.”