The Darkest Hour

by Banks, Maya

  She burrowed a little deeper into the covers and stifled a yawn as she stared up at him. She loved the contrast between the white sheets and his tanned skin. He was a beautiful thing to behold, and she ate him up with her eyes.

  Had she always looked at him with such adoration? Why couldn’t she remember? A spark of emotion. Anything.

  Darkness crept up again, uninvited and insidious. Fear took hold. Fear of the unknown, but there was also a fear of remembering. Why? What dark secrets did this seemingly perfect house hide?

  “Most of us have blue eyes. Dad has blue eyes and Mom has brown. Van ended up with green, while Nathan and Joe got Mom’s brown eyes.”

  “I thought brown was always dominant over blue,” she said with a frown.

  “You’re asking a dumb military grunt to explain genetics?”

  “You’re not dumb,” she said fiercely.

  He grinned and smoothed his thumb over her lips. “Still as feisty as ever when it comes to sticking up for those you love. Anyway, my granddad on my mom’s side had blue eyes, so Mom obviously carries the gene or whatever you call it. Geesh, I haven’t done those stupid gene squares since high school.

  “And yes, I look the most like Garrett, but you and Garrett were . . . close. That’s probably why you remember him.”

  “I don’t remember your other brothers at all. Or your mother.” She sighed. “How can I face them all when they’ll be strangers to me?”

  Ethan shifted his weight slightly, and he scooted lower into the bed until their noses were just a breath apart.

  “This isn’t about them. It’s about you. They aren’t going to be angry. Sad? Probably, but it’s because they love you and they hate what happened to you. They want you to be happy. They want you to get your life back, your health and your memories.”

  Her breath escaped in an unsteady hiccough. “Ethan?”

  He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear in a loving gesture. “Yes, baby?”

  She licked her lips. “I don’t remember a lot about what happened. I mean I remember pieces, like when one of the men tried ...” She clamped her lips shut for a moment but then shook off her shame and reluctance. She had nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. They tried to take everything from her. She did nothing to bring about their actions.

  Ethan’s fingers stilled on her cheek, but she felt more than saw the shudder roll up his big frame.

  “What did he try?” he asked in a low voice.

  “He tried to hurt me,” she said vaguely. “But another man stopped him. I don’t know why, but he got the man off me and gave me back my clothes.”

  Ethan’s face was a rigid, immovable stone. Only his eyes betrayed the raw emotion burning inside.

  “Did he ever try again?”

  “I don’t think I was raped,” she whispered. She looked searchingly up at him. “Wouldn’t I know? How would I be able to forget something so terrible? I remember everything else, I mean about what they did.”

  “What did they do?” he asked gently. His hands shook against her face, and his eyes were so intent, so focused on her that she felt . . . cherished.

  She frowned as some of the memories rolled back through the shadows.

  “They told me I was never going home. That I was serving a purpose. An insurance policy. What did they mean, Ethan? I don’t understand.”

  His breath huffed out, and his fingers stilled against her cheek. “I don’t know. But I’m going to find out. I swear it.”

  “Once when I tried to escape, they put me into this . . . cage. It was a box in the middle of the camp. The hot box they called it. One little hole at the top to let air in, but otherwise it was dark and so hot. I baked in it.”

  She shuddered involuntarily, and Ethan gathered her in his arms, pulling her close to his chest. His heartbeat thumped against her ear, and she could feel the rage billowing off of him.

  “After that, they started with the drugs. I hated it. They frightened me so badly, but then I started needing it, and I only felt good when they gave me another injection. I hated them for that, for making me dependent on a drug for my sanity when all the while I was losing it bit by bit anyway.”

  “No, baby, don’t,” he protested.

  “They used it to control me after that,” she said, barging ahead, recalling the bitter hatred and the incessant need that even now still crawled through her body. “They’d withhold the drugs, knowing what it would do to me. They kept me in a constant state of withdrawal until finally I hated myself more than I hated them.”

  “God.”

  His body trembled against her. His shoulders heaved, and she thought he might be crying, but she was afraid to look up, afraid of her own tenuous grip on her emotions. If he broke in front of her, she would simply shatter.

  “We’re going to beat this, Rachel,” he said fiercely. “You’re already almost there.”

  She couldn’t tell him that right now she wanted the needle more than she wanted to live. She couldn’t tell him that she’d sell her soul for just a moment of sweet oblivion. And so she lay in his arms and said nothing and prayed that the incessant craving would somehow go away if she slept.

  ETHAN snatched up the phone when it rang, hoping it wouldn’t disturb Rachel. She was curled on the couch, a blanket tucked up to her chin, and she was sleeping peacefully. Perhaps the most peaceful rest she’d had in the three days since they’d gotten home.

  “Hello,” he said in a low voice as he walked toward the kitchen.

  “You know if you’d just turn on your damn cell phone, you could put it on vibrate and not have to worry about someone waking Rachel,” Sam grouched in his ear.

  “Now, why would I want to make it so easy for the rest of you to get in touch with me?” Ethan drawled.

  “How is she?” Sam asked, ignoring Ethan’s teasing.

  Ethan sobered and stole a glance in Rachel’s direction.

  “She’s doing better. It’s been rough. She hasn’t been sleeping well. Between the lingering effects of withdrawal and her nightmares, neither one of us is getting much rest.”

  “You sound wiped,” Sam said, concern bleeding into his voice.

  “Nothing I can’t handle.”

  “Mom is getting antsy. It’s all I can do to keep her away.”

  Ethan sighed. “I know this is hard on everyone. There’s nothing I’d like more than for everyone to see her again. Hell, I’m hoping she’ll remember something or someone once she’s reunited with the family, but she’s just so fragile Sam. It’s taking everything she has just to keep her feet beneath her.”

  “Have you taken her to the doctor here?”

  “Yeah, almost the first thing I did. Got the name of a therapist in Clarksville I’m going to call as soon as Rachel feels ready. She seems willing enough to talk to me, but so far she’s balked at going to anyone else.”

  “What does the doctor say about her physical condition?”

  “Same as Maren said. She’s extremely fragile. Undernourished. Her reserves are sorely depleted. He put her on a vitamin regimen and I’m feeding her three good meals a day with snacks in between.”

  “And the withdrawal?”

  Ethan ran a hand through his hair and blew out his breath. “She’s still jittery as a June bug at times. I know it eats at her a lot more than she admits. She’s so stoic and I can’t figure out if she’s ashamed and doesn’t want me to see or if she’s somehow trying to protect me from the viciousness of what she’s going through.”

  “That’s a hell of a note,” Sam muttered.

  “Tell me about it. I’m supposed to be protecting her.”

  Ethan turned when a knock sounded at the front door.

  “Shit, I need to go, Sam. Someone’s at the door.”

  Sam paused. “It’s probably Garrett. You had to know he’d be by to check in on you and Rachel.”

  “Yeah. I’ll talk to you later, Sam.”

  Ethan hung up the phone and went to the front door. Indeed, it was Garrett, standin
g with his hands shoved into his pockets. He stared at Ethan and took a step forward. “Can I come in?”

  Ethan opened the door wider. “Sure. Just be quiet. Rachel’s sleeping on the couch.”

  “How are things?” Garrett asked as he followed Ethan into the house.

  Ethan shrugged. “We’re getting by.”

  “You look tired, man. Why haven’t you asked any of us for help?”

  The question came out gently, but to Ethan it still sounded like an accusation. Hell, he probably deserved it, but how was he supposed to explain to anyone how he felt? He’d lost her. For an entire year he existed with the knowledge that she was dead. And now by some miracle he had her back.

  Garrett walked by the couch in the living room and looked down at Rachel. His gaze softened and he carefully touched her cheek. Then he glanced back up at Ethan.

  “I think you should go over and see Mom and Dad. Hell, I don’t even know if anyone told you that Joe and Nathan are home. They’re anxious as hell to see you.”

  “Sam told me,” Ethan said in a low voice. “I’m not going to leave her. I know everyone wants to see her. Believe me, I understand, but I have to do what’s best for Rachel, and I’m worried about bombarding her with family right now.”

  “I wasn’t suggesting you take her over yet. I agree you shouldn’t overwhelm her too soon. But I think you should go over. Mom’s worried sick about you. So is Dad.”

  “I can’t leave her,” Ethan said incredulously.

  “I’ll stay with her. She’s sleeping. You need to get out, man. Get some fresh air. Breathe a little. You can’t keep this up or you’re going to fall apart, and then what good will you do her?”

  Christ. Ethan swallowed. Garrett made all the sense in the world, but damn it, he didn’t want to leave Rachel. Even for a minute. How could he explain the sheer panic he felt over the idea? What if he got over to Mom and Dad’s and discovered this was all some bizarre fantasy?

  Garrett walked over and put his hand on Ethan’s shoulder. “Look, the way I see it you have two choices. You can get your ass in your truck and go see Mom and Dad for a couple of hours. Or, I can call Sam, Van, Nathan and Joe and have them come over and haul you out forcibly. Either way, you’re getting out of this house for a while.”

  Ethan clenched his fingers into a tight fist. Never before had he wanted to hit someone like he wanted to hit Garrett right now. And Garrett knew it, but he just stood there, arms down, making no effort to defend himself.

  “You need your family right now,” Garrett said softly. “And Rachel needs you.”

  Ethan closed his eyes. “All right. I’ll go. Swear to me you’ll call if she needs me. Sometimes when she wakes up, she forgets . . . she forgets where she’s at. You’ll need to be right there so she doesn’t panic.”

  Garrett cut him off before he could go any further. “Go. I can handle this. I’ll watch over her for you.”

  Ethan took a breath and then turned away to look for his keys. When he found them, he walked over to the couch, where Rachel hadn’t so much as stirred. For a moment he watched the soft rise and fall of her chest. A crease marred her forehead, and she looked worried even in sleep. He bent down and kissed away the wrinkle.

  “Sleep well, baby,” he whispered. “I’ll be back.”

  CHAPTER 19

  ETHAN got out of his truck, slammed the door then took a deep breath before heading to the front door of his parents’ home. As much as he was looking forward to seeing Nathan and Joe, being away from Rachel, even for a few minutes, had him on edge.

  The door flew open as soon as he mounted the steps, and his mother rushed out to greet him, her arms open wide. Though he swallowed her up, it was her doing most of the holding and hugging.

  Tears pricked his eyelids, and he sucked in a big breath to hold them back.

  “Ethan, thank God you and Rachel are home,” his mom said. She leaned up, cupped his cheek and kissed him even as she wiped tears from her own cheeks.

  She reached for his hands and squeezed then pulled him toward the door.

  “Nathan and Joe here?” Ethan asked as he ducked inside.

  She shook her head. “No, they’re helping Sam and Donovan out. Come in, sit down and let me look at you.”

  She parked him in a chair at the kitchen table and stood staring at him, all the love of a mother shining in her eyes.

  “You look like hell,” she scolded. Then she sank into a chair across from him and grasped his hands in hers. “How is she?”

  He swallowed the knot in his throat. “She’s okay. I left her sleeping. Garrett’s there.”

  “How is she really?” she asked softly.

  He closed his eyes. “She’s fragile, Ma. Those bastards . . . those bastards kept her prisoner for a year. A year. A year where she needed me, where she went through God knows what.”

  He choked back a sob, ashamed to be breaking down in front of his mother, for God’s sake.

  She rose and he was back in her arms, her arms wrapped tight around his shoulders, and he turned into her as he’d done when he was a child, his grief muffled by her shirt.

  “You should have come sooner,” she soothed. “This is too much for you to stand up under alone, son. There are so many of us who will help you, but you have to let us.”

  “She needs me,” he said hoarsely. “I failed her already. I won’t do it again.”

  “Are you failing her by taking a moment to see the mother who is worried sick over you while Garrett watches over her?”

  “He called you.”

  “Yes, he said you were coming. And it’s about time. Did you think we’d storm the castle or not understand if you couldn’t bring her to us yet? We’re so worried for you both, Ethan. I want to see her so bad I hurt. I want to hold her in my arms again. I want to see my daughter. But I can wait.”

  “Ethan, you’re home.”

  Ethan looked up, then hastily away, as his father entered the kitchen. His emotional outburst was bad enough in front of his mom, but to break down in front of his father was more than he could stand.

  That thought fled the moment his father hauled him up and crushed him in his beefy embrace. His father wept openly, his big body shaking convulsively as great sobs tore out of his chest.

  “Thank God, thank God you’re home. Your mother and I were so worried. And then Sam and Van came home alone. You’ll never know what it was like seeing them come in the door so dirty and haggard and not seeing you and Garrett. It was as bad as the day they told us Rachel died.”

  “I’m sorry,” Ethan said as he cupped the back of his father’s head. “I never meant to scare you or Ma. But we couldn’t tell you. Not until we were sure. I’d never get your hopes up like that.”

  “So it’s really her? She’s home?” his dad asked hoarsely.

  “She’s home,” Ethan said, allowing the joy of that statement to flood his chest.

  Now his mom’s eyes filled with tears again, and she raised her shaking hands to her face.

  “Bring her to us soon, Ethan. Dinner. Just like old times. We won’t push her, I swear. Just let us see her. Everyone loves her so much.”

  Ethan wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand and reached for her hand. “I will, Ma. Sunday, okay? Sunday dinner just like old times. The family will be together again.”

  “Praise God,” she breathed out. “Oh, Ethan, it’s a miracle. You’ve been given such a precious gift.”

  He smiled at her, touching her damp cheek with his fingers. “I know. I won’t screw it up this time.”

  She frowned at that, but he turned to his father before she could question his meaning.

  “I’m really sorry we scared you. Things happened so fast. If it was Rachel, we had to get in there fast, and if it wasn’t, we didn’t want you to go through the loss all over again.”

  “It’s okay, son. The important thing is my boys and my daughter are home again where they belong. I can’t ask for more than that.”

  “Let me fi
x you something to eat,” Marlene said as she bustled around the counter toward the fridge. “You can take leftovers home for Rachel.”

  He hedged, checking his watch. He’d already been gone half an hour.

  “She’ll be fine with Garrett,” his mom said in a quiet, understanding voice. “You need a break, Ethan. Let me feed you. You probably haven’t eaten a thing I’ve sent over since you’ve been home.”

  “When have I ever turned down your cooking, Ma?”

  She smiled when he cracked a grin.

  “That’s better. Now sit. Talk to your father while I whip up supper. Garrett will call if she needs you and you can be home in less than five minutes.”

  THE dream was the same. Ethan was angry, his features drawn into a dark cloud. Despair washed over her in waves, and a feeling of helplessness assaulted her. More powerful than her fear of her captors. No, that was in the past. Now she faced something worse.

  Was it a nightmare? Some terrible image fueled by her fears and insecurities, or was she remembering more about her life with Ethan?

  She twisted, held captive to her dreams. A tortured moan escaped her over and over, and all she could think was He doesn’t love you. It’s not real.

  “Rachel. Rachel. Wake up, sweet pea. You’re dreaming. Come back to me.”

  She shrank away from the soft croon, and her eyes fluttered open. She blinked rapidly as Garrett’s face came into view. Relief staggered her, and she felt sick that she was relieved it wasn’t Ethan kneeling next to the couch.

  She grabbed at his hand and clutched tightly, her heart threatening to beat right out of her chest.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  She nodded but she kept her fingers wrapped tight around his hands as she struggled to sit up.

  Garrett helped her and then slid onto the couch to sit next to her, his arm hung loosely around her shoulders.

  “Ethan’s over at Mom’s, but he’ll be back soon. I can call him if you need him.”

  She shook her head. “No. I’m fine. Really.”

  “Can I get you something? You hungry?”