Outremer I

by D. N. Carter

  “My father is in this one…come, tie your horse here,” Taqi said loudly as he climbed up on the front footwell. Quickly Paul tied the reins to a side rail, patted Adrastos again and immediately followed Taqi.

  When Paul stepped down into the rear of the hard covered cart, he was hit by the warmth and light of two lanthorns and a small fire set within a contained woodburner. The cart’s interior was well presented and ornate with seating and two bunks for sleeping. The noise of the rain pattered down hard outside as Taqi sat himself down. Firgany looked up from his cross legged seating position upon several large cushions and Paul immediately noticed his sad face, not his usual happy look.

  “Paul…what a surprise this is,” Firgany said quietly as Paul looked around the cart for any sign of Alisha. Firgany could see his concern. “Do not worry, young Paul. Alisha is safe and well. She is in the other cart behind us.”

  “What, with Raja?” Paul asked.

  “Er…no, Paul,” Taqi said and ushered for Paul to sit opposite on a small bench.

  Firgany looked up from his seated position in the middle of the cart, then stood up and moved to sit near to Paul. He placed his hand upon his shoulder.

  “I see you are soaked. We must change that. But as for Raja, I am saddened to inform you that we have lost her,” Firgany explained solemnly.

  “What do you mean lost her. Overboard the boat…on the road?” Paul asked, bemused.

  “No Paul…lost her as in she has died.”

  “What…oh my goodness!” Paul exclaimed, shocked, and put his hand to his mouth. “Oh my word…my poor father!” Paul remarked in realisation.

  “Exactly,” Firgany sighed.

  Paul sighed and his shoulders sank. He shook his head, saddened. Tears welled in his eyes, more for the fact that he knew it would hurt his father so much. Thoughts of all the conversations he had with his father about Alisha came flooding back as well as the conversations with Niccolas and Sister Lucy. Firgany rubbed Paul’s shoulder sympathetically seeing the upset in his face. How could he now pursue Alisha with all his father’s protestations about him doing so? Now would be the worst possible time to force the matter. His mind raced to think of a way he could see Alisha without all the inherent problems it would throw up. Perhaps his father would not mind now, he thought, then shook his head disapprovingly at himself. Here he was again thinking of himself, at this time, when he should be thinking of his father and his feelings and wishes.

  “I must go,” Paul blurted out and stood up fast. Firgany stood slowly and pulled Paul round to look at him.

  “You cannot tell your father. I must do so. You tell him, and he will forever remember you for that. It must be from me that he is told. Do you understand me?” Firgany asked as he stood looking down at Paul. Paul shook his head no. “Paul! DO you understand me?” Firgany asked again louder.

  “’Tis so unfair,” Paul said fighting to control his emotions. He felt annoyed at himself for feeling so emotional and for being so selfish at the same time.

  “Stay with us this night. We will have word sent ahead with the riders to inform your father you are with us otherwise he will for sure worry when you do not return this eve,” Firgany said softly.

  Paul simply nodded.

  “I will take you to see Alisha later,” Taqi said, trying to get Paul’s attention.

  “No…that will not be necessary. I must go. I cannot stay here. I am sorry. Please understand. I shall not tell father this eve, I swear it, but I cannot stay…,” Paul said emotionally and began to climb the small stair to leave the cart.

  “Paul…hey Paul, you cannot leave,” Taqi said surprised.

  “Taqi, I must. You do not understand. I shall return with the riders. As I said, I swear I shall not say a word to my father and I shall see you in the morning. I am sorry for your loss…truly I am,” Paul said emotionally and quickly jumped up and out of view.

  Taqi looked at his father confused and immediately went to hurry after him.

  “No…let him be. He has much to consider,” Firgany said abruptly.

  Taqi raised his arms in confusion and shook his head.

  Outside, the rain seemed to fall even harder as Paul untied Adrastos. He took a quick look at the next cart knowing that Alisha was inside. He felt sick and had to gulp to stop himself from being so. Quickly he mounted Adrastos. He faced the fallen tree in time to see it crack and break in two as the saw finally cut its way through. It left a gap and the lower left side was flat down on the track now. Quickly he galloped towards it and, in one jump, leaped across and without stopping or looking back, raced off back towards La Rochelle as Stewart and Gerard watched him vanish into the darkness as they stood at the track side.

  “Reminds me of myself that boy does,” Gerard shouted to Stewart and smiled.

  Paul rode as hard and as fast as he could oblivious to the rain. When he neared La Rochelle, the harbour lights just a flickering glimmer on the horizon, he slowed up. He stopped and dismounted. He walked over towards a stone marker and sat on the grass verge next to it resting on his knees. Still holding the reins, he lowered his head and clasped his hands together. ‘Oh Lord God, I rarely if ever seem to pray to you, but I beg you give me some guidance this night for I do not know what to do. I love Alisha with all my heart and soul yet I know I am wrong to pursue her further,’ Paul prayed. He lowered his head and a deep sadness seemed to overwhelm him. He recalled what Sister Lucy had said about trusting his instincts and to listen to his own heart, but as he recalled these words, they cut like a knife through his heart. He felt utterly shattered inside and sick. He knew he could never, must never take things further with Alisha. Tears began to well in his eyes and he could no longer hold in the emotion of both the news of Raja’s death and now also the realisation he would never have Alisha. He started to sob uncontrollably just as a storm illuminated the sky behind him. He paid no attention and simply cried. Adrastos moved nearer and nudged him almost knowingly and placed his head next to Paul’s as he raised his hand and placed it against the side of his face and continued to sob. The realisation and responsibility he had towards his father and to others out weighed the selfish desires he wanted to pursue, he told himself. This realisation felt total and unchangeable. And for that his heart was breaking.

  Chapter 11

  Good Hearts

  Port of La Rochelle, France, Melissae Inn, spring 1191

  “Oh the poor little man,” the maid said, her arm still resting on the back of the Templar.

  “Silly bugger. He should man up and go for it,” Sarah shot back as she wiped a tear from her eye.

  “It shows he has a good heart and deeper love for his father if you ask me,” Gabirol stated.

  1 – 4

  Silence fell in the room as all waited for the old man to say something but he sat totally still for several long minutes.

  “I am sorry. He did indeed have a truly great and good heart. He personified what we call ‘service to others’ unlike the majority, who unfortunately tend to be ‘service to self’ types,” the old man explained softly.

  “We know of this service,” the Templar stated quickly.

  “Yes, of course you do. And that is why Paul took himself home and to bed that eve. He let his father know he was back but was soaked so would change and go to bed immediately. Whilst he lay awake, he resolved and swore to himself he would put a distance between himself and Alisha, concentrate upon his studies and beg his father’s permission to join the naval fleet of the Templars’,” the old man explained.

  “Oh for heaven’s sake no! Bloody fool boy. When love comes knocking like that you don’t turn it away! Surely his father would see that,” Sarah protested loudly.

  The old man shook his head gently.

  “Oh if only he had at the time, indeed,” he sighed heavily.

  “So what did he do?” Simon asked whilst keeping an eye on Sarah.

  “In the morning he waited until he saw Firgany and Taqi pull up outside with a second cart
following. He felt sick as his heart pounded. He knew his father was about to have his entire world turned upside down and there was nothing he could do about it. His heart skipped a beat as he saw Alisha appear and when she looked up at his window and waved, he jumped back out of sight. He felt like an idiot but also scared. It took him a while to compose himself before he could leave his bedroom. He was half way down the stairs when he heard Firgany already telling Philip he should sit down in the kitchen. Paul found he could not move. He just froze upon the stairs. He wanted to rush down and be with his father to support him, but he also did not want to see him upset. Nor could he stomach facing Alisha. He had waited and prayed so many times for this moment of seeing her again, but now, he wanted to be anywhere else but there. Paul did not hear all the words but eventually his father appeared at the entrance hall way door that led into the kitchen. Ashen faced and dazed, he stopped and looked up at Paul. Paul could hardly catch his breath and his heart beat so fast. Tears again welled in his eyes as he saw the look in his father’s face. Tears began to well in his eyes too as he shook his head slightly. Firgany appeared behind him and just stood beside him in silence,” the old man explained in detail and then went quiet again.

  “And, so what happened next?” Sarah asked almost impatiently.

  “Paul did not know what to do. I suppose he panicked as he just turned around and ran back to his room slamming the door hard,” the old man said. “When Taqi knocked upon his door, he refused to open it, even when he said Alisha was waiting to see him downstairs. She was very upset for everyone. She told herself Paul was just embarrassed but would be okay. But all that day, Paul refused to come out of his room.”

  “Grief can cause people to behave in many strange and different ways,” Gabirol said quietly.

  “Yes, but Paul was grieving for what he perceived as a lost love also. His heart was broken and yet the very object of his love was just a room away,” the old man said sadly.

  “Well he could not avoid her for ever now could he. So when did he finally get to see her again and how did his father take things?” the Hospitaller asked.

  “Philip took it all rather well considering. Paul managed to avoid Alisha for several days by getting up early and leaving the house and not returning until late. But eventually Taqi stopped him on the stairs and demanded to know what the problem was.

  La Rochelle, Manor House, Rue de Stella Maris, August 1178

  Taqi pushed Paul up against the wood panelling that ran down the side of the stairs.

  “No my friend…not this day. You will not ignore us again. Pray tell me what plays within your mind and why you now shun us so?” Taqi demanded, anger clear in his voice.

  “Just leave me alone. ’Tis not you…but leave me be, Taqi,” Paul answered and struggled to push Taqi’s arm away and push past him.

  “No you do not…,” Taqi said loudly and physically grappled Paul and pushed him back against the wall hard with both arms. “Have you forgotten I am your friend? What goes on here?” Taqi demanded to know.

  “Do not restrain me, Taqi, for I will not yield nor shirk from stopping you from doing so,” Paul shot back, anger rising in his eyes and voice.

  “Friend you say. A friend does not ignore you or his family for no good reason,” Taqi replied and pushed Paul harder.

  “I have good reason…that is all you need to know.”

  “What? What good reason. Because we are Muslim?” Taqi asked confused.

  “Do not be stupid. Of course not…but my reasons are mine and good enough…now back away,” Paul replied and pushed Taqi hard. Surprised, Taqi staggered backwards and hit the stair rails causing them to creak loudly as they nearly broke. Shocked, Taqi looked at Paul.

  “Then by Allah what?” Taqi demanded.

  Alisha appeared at the top of the stairs. Both looked up at her. She was holding the poem Paul had written for her. She had tears in her eyes as she stood in her white nightgown. Paul’s heart jumped and he felt light headed. Taqi looked at her then Paul rapidly.

  “It is me isn’t it? You have changed how you feel and you cannot tell me,” Alisha said, her voice broken with emotion. Paul shook his head no but looked at Taqi then Alisha again. The sun was shining through the main arched window at the end of the upper landing hallway almost silhouetting her. Slowly she walked down towards him. Very slowly she outstretched her hand to pass him the rolled up poem. “You cannot face me and you actively avoid me. This clearly no longer applies to me…so take it back,” she said as a single tear fell from her face. Paul gulped, his throat dry. She looked unbelievably beautiful to him yet his heart was tearing apart inside of him.

  “Take it damn you!” Taqi shouted suddenly making them both jump. “Take it. If this is how you insult us all. I thought I knew you, as a brother even, yet I see someone now I do not recognise,” Taqi said angrily. “Take it!” Paul flinched as Taqi yelled and Alisha stood shaking with emotion. Another tear ran down her face. All he wanted to do was grab her, hold her, never let her go again, but how could he? Confused and hurting inside, he took the scroll without even thinking what he was doing. Instantly Alisha turned around and ran off to her room. Shaking and feeling sick, Paul looked at the scroll and then at Taqi. “Where is the friend I once knew?” he asked.

  “You know nothing of what I feel,” Paul heard himself say.

  “Then tell me by the heavens. You have avoided us these past days like we are a disease.”

  “Taqi…my father needs me now more than ever…and I cannot go against what he wishes.”

  “What? You mean your father has made you hide from us? I do not understand.”

  “No…That’s not what I mean. Taqi…I love your sister…with all that I am…but we cannot be and I cannot find the way to deal with it,” Paul said emotionally.

  “You have a very wrong way of showing it then. I expected more from you. I thought you were smarter than that,” Taqi replied.

  “Taqi…that is part of the problem. Everyone keeps expecting so much of me. I do not know how to deal with this. I love your sister, and until the day I die…I will always do so, but I am told we can never be by both my father and yours, as well as others…so you tell me…what am I to do?” Paul pleaded.

  “You ignore them and you do what is right for you two, you fool.”

  “What? You surprise me,” Paul blurted out.

  “Why…am I not your friend? Ali is my sister and I can think of no one better suited to deal with her temper than you. We joked before about you and I becoming family, but I am not joking now. I know my sister and I know that you are her world. So you had better give that back,” Taqi explained and pointed to the scroll.

  “Taqi…you must forgive me. I would so wish to do as you advise, but I cannot,” Paul replied.

  “Then you are a fool. An absolute fool, my friend. You break my sister’s heart this once and I shall not forgive so easily…especially when it is done so lightly with so feeble an excuse. You have changed much in just a few short months. What has happened?”

  “It is called growing up…and facing and accepting my responsibilities,” Paul shot back.

  “Growing up! More like growing down. It may have escaped your notice, but Alisha, she too is growing up. And other men are noticing this,” Taqi remarked as he started to walk down the stairs away from him.

  “Stop! What do you mean?” Paul asked and grabbed his arm.

  “She is no longer a girl…she is a woman now…and I have seen how some men look at her. You are not the only person to be interested in her.”

  “Like who?” Paul demanded as his grip tightened around Taqi’s arm.

  “Well, try asking Ali about the young Templar Nicholas for a start. And perhaps even Stewart, your own brother,” Taqi replied then yanked his arm down hard forcing Paul to let go his grip. “You need to decide what you want and fast.” Paul stood back shocked almost. What intentions did the Templar Nicholas have for a start? “I see the rage of jealousy start to burn within you. T
hat is how I know you love Ali still.”

  “But Taqi, I have learnt so much these past months, and what those parchments show. It is because I love Ali totally that I cannot take things further with her…for her own safety. I would be happy for her to find someone who will love her and look after her,” Paul said emotionally.

  “That is utter nonsense. You know it and so do I.”

  “Taqi…as I have said, I love Ali with all my heart, but we cannot be. I do not expect you to understand…and that is why I have decided I will not be going to Alexandria but will instead join the Order…the naval part. You know how much I love boats.”

  “No, Paul. Lie to me, but never lie to yourself…and that is precisely what you are doing. This conversation is finished,” Taqi said and turned away.

  Before Paul could say anything more, Taqi walked down the last few steps, turned, gave him a look of disdain and hurriedly walked out through the kitchen. Paul rested against the wall then looked down at the rolled up parchment. He sighed heavily and began to walk back to his room. No sooner had he entered his room than his father and Firgany both started shouting downstairs for them. As Paul opened his door, Alisha was just passing; she quickly looked at him but carried on walking and down the stairs.

  Paul looked over the banister at his father below.

  “Paul…come quickly. We have something to tell you all…Now!” his father shouted.

  Paul immediately walked down the stairs several paces behind Alisha and followed her across the hallway and into the kitchen. Firgany was pacing up and down, his hands clasped behind his back as Taqi came rushing back in led by the squires Simon and Thomas.

  “What urgency is this?” Taqi asked.

  “Sit…all of you now,” Firgany said and clicked his fingers and pointed to the table. Paul waited for Alisha to sit and as she moved along the bench, he sat on the opposite side. Taqi sat down next to him and half pushed Paul along which meant he was now facing Alisha directly. She looked at him hard, her eyes puffy from crying. She sat upright and proud. Paul looked at her as she stared at him almost coldly he felt.