Guignol's Band

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  Upstairs Boro’s fallen asleep playing the ‘Merry Widow Waltz’. He’s slumped on the keyboard, his head on his elbows… That’s how he’s sleeping, very uncomfortable…

  Downstairs in the shop the two of us and Delphine are dozing. We’ve finally fallen asleep… But the old guy’s starting to choke… He’s asking someone to go get his salts!… He’s acting up again… Delphine’s all in… she’s also choking a bit… muzzled up… the atmosphere’s awful… thick with fumigations, all the muck for asthma… Ah! I’m getting fed up!… Getting tired of all the guy’s quirks!…

  “Hello, Mr Claben! Hello! Please now, try a little air!…”

  She pleads with him to let her… let her open the door a bit… it’s true that we’re dying in the joint, it’s so thick and close, but he’s hostile, he won’t have it!…

  “Open it?… Open it?” he gasps…

  He stays like that with his mouth open…

  “Mr Claben! Mr Claben!” Delphine groans.

  But he absolutely won’t even let her touch the latch.

  The stubborn louse!…

  I go to get the brandy, we wet his lips with it…

  I can’t find the salts… The brandy’s strong, he writhes and squirms… Then Delphine and I have a drink… I’m not a drinker but there’re times you need it… need it or not, Delphine’s always boozing… I leave her the bottle, she helps herself… two… three… four stiff ones, one after the other… then she gets an idea…

  “I’m going!” she says… “Don’t hold me back! Neither of you! I’m going to get the doctor!…”

  There’s decision for you! She rearranges her gear, her skirts…

  “Dr Clodovitz! Naturally!… A perfect man! A perfect man!”

  A pronouncement!… It wasn’t a bad idea… I’d even say it was a fine one… but the hospital wasn’t around the corner… Boy, what a stretch!… First she had to go to the Tunnel… then cross under the river… and then all along Wapping, on foot, in the dark, and all alone.

  It was foolhardy… pretty unhealthy alleys… and not lit up at all… well, almost not… They were expecting attacks, maybe some more Zeppelins and they were saying even aeroplanes which were supposed to fly all over Wapping because of the factories and loaded with terrific bombs… The streets weren’t at all safe… Not only because of the Zeppelins!… There were also prowlers taking advantage of the darkness… But she insisted, she wanted to save her Claben!… At once!… Absolutely!… It’s true he was having a pretty bad time… He wasn’t red now, as he’d been awhile before, but pale, pallid, almost grey… He was fully conscious… He was groaning quietly between gasps… We finished the bottle and a second one too, discussing whether she’d go for Dr Clodovitz or not… The second bottle was cognac… We got so excited that we woke up Boro… He was grunting upstairs… He comes down. He starts wanting to drink everything!… So does the old guy!… “Myum! Myum!” he mutters… with his whole mouth… he can’t budge, still and all he winks at us so we’ll understand… We soak his lips with booze but he can’t swallow anything… Seeing him so sick Boro starts petting him, smiling at him… he kisses him… soothes him… That starts Delphine wheedling him… what a big tender moment!… You can see she’s jealous… she wants all the kisses for herself… Finally they huddle together… they fiddle about and cuddle, they get all tangled up right in the poor patient’s bed… I hardly knew what to say or do with all that going on, but I was comfortable, that was all I asked for, I’d fixed up a kind of litter with the oriental rugs, the woollens and the coverlets, stuck in between the wall and the wardrobe… It was pretty good!… I wasn’t asking for anything else… It reminded me of when I used to be on stable watch, but I wasn’t in the manure now! In brocades and plush! “All right!” I said to myself… “Let them enjoy themselves! Let them enjoy themselves! Youth doesn’t last! That’s all right with me… But I’m going to take a serious nap! Afterwards I’ll go to the kitchen… I’ll find a bite to eat… But after the workout I’ve had, hit the hay first!… Ah! A good snooze!… Hunger can wait!”… Go fuck yourself! Just at that moment Delphine starts yelling! Bawls us out!…

  We’re murderers and ought to be ashamed! We’re not letting her get the doctor! Our behaviour is frightful!… She’s raving!…

  “Mr Claben! Mr Claben!…” she yelps. “You need a doctor!… You need a doctor!…”

  The old man’s in a state of collapse but he’s still wary, damn it!… He’s not staying alone with us!… He doesn’t have confidence! He grabs on to her lace!…

  “Be a lady!… Be a lady!…” he whines… “Don’t go out at night!…”

  “But I am a lady, sir!… I am!…”

  She a lady?… Ah! What a question! A lady and how! Quite a lady!… And of the very finest quality!… He mustn’t doubt that! She immediately takes offence! She shows him!… She grabs her gloves, she straightens her hair, her hat, her flowers, her plume, a pin for her veil! And there she is all dressed up!… Absolutely ready!… Mind all made up!

  Hail Delphine! Hail you beauty! Oh hail! Nobody’ll prevent her! So have a drink!… And courage!… Hurrah for her determination!… Madame Daredevil!… Even Claben’s singing, gasping hoarsely! The dashing verses! The galloping send-off! The parting shot!… So all together!… Glory to valour! She’s not scared of anything!… Of the darkness! Of hoodlums! Of ruffians! No more of Zeppelins than of butter! Let ’er bring back Clodovitz!

  Delphine! Oh! Delphine! Oh!

  For she’s a jolly good fellow!

  En route!

  She’s gone! At a quarter to two in the morning, dressed to the nines, in fine array!

  It was dark in the streets, as I’ve said, just a small camouflaged streetlight here and there around the crossings.

  We go back to sleep again, goodbye!… We’d opened the window to let out the smells, we stopped bothering about the old guy, he was choking comfortably!… Time passed!… Sleep, it’s easy to say… First my ear wakes me up… buzzings, jets of steam… I go back to sleep… the nightmare gets me again… I’m awakened four or five times in a row!

  Ah! It’s bad!… I toss! I turn!… Twist around… two hours pass like that… finally just about… a racket at the door… it’s Delphine… she’s calling… There she is again!… Back again!… Ah! The old hag!… All I needed!… I wanted to go back to sleep… She was in a stew!… I’m telling the truth… Nuts!… Terrified!… Shivering!… Out of breath!… Wild-looking!

  “Ah! Gentlemen!… Gentlemen!…”

  She couldn’t get it out!…

  She was panting!

  “If you’d seen that face!”

  “What face?” we ask her.

  “The man’s face!…”

  “Whose face?” we insist…

  “The one who gave them to me…”

  “Gave what?…”

  “The cigarettes!…”

  She opens her hand… cigarettes stuck together, gummy… in green paper, pasty… She starts puffing again, then she explains… she finally gets it out… Here’s the story… Right at the exit of the tunnel, at the embankment… after Wapping… a man had fallen on her, just like that!… Plunk!… From above!… A dark little man!… He’d sort of tumbled down on her from the very top of the lamp-post! Right on her hat!… They’d rolled over one another in the tunnel! Luckily he wasn’t heavy! Not at all heavy! She hadn’t been hurt at all! Fortunately! What luck!… The little man was light… Like a kind of bag of bones!… Light!… Light!… A real bag of bones!… He was even rattling all over while she was tussling and struggling with him!… When they’d both got to their feet the tussle continued… The little man’s arms were like sticks… She’d noticed that right away… and she’d yelled! But it hadn’t done any good! There’d been no one around! Wapping Alley! Just imagine!

  And that wasn’t all!… The man had spoken to her!… That terrible bony ruffia
n! She remembered his words! not as crazy as that!… She even imitated him!… In a nasal voice, like that… in a queer kind of English besides… She thought it was rather Scottish… He certainly wasn’t from London…

  “Don’t be frightened, pretty Delphine!” that was what he said… “I shall be the angel of your big love!”… His very words… “I wish you all the luck in the world!… I want to save your dear Claben!… My gentle dove, won’t you make him smoke these magic leaves?… Here you see them rolled up preciously ready for use in these lovely watercoloured petals!… Let him inhale the three elements!… Fire!… Wind!… Smoke!… How intoxicating to smell them!… Run! Run!… Run, gentle Delphine!… Go back to his bedside quickly!… Don’t go any farther!… I am the Sky Physician!… The Magus of Souls!… I can give breath to the dying!… Don’t go getting lost in the city! Don’t let yourself be lead astray by the spells of the Cloven Hoof!… The Devil is a sprite to mad maidens! Be careful, Delphine! Be careful!… The charm of the air!…”

  Smoke!… Smoke!… Hardly had he uttered these words than he shrivelled up, curled on the pavement… there beneath her eyes!… A piece of rag right under the lamp-post!… And then nothing at all!… It hadn’t lasted long!… She’d dashed straight ahead!… Double-quick time!… He kept shrivelling as he spoke… she was still telling about it… he was curling up… finally just a tiny ball!… There under the light!… A little heap of rags!… Then nothing at all!… Ah! She hadn’t shilly-shallied! She’d dashed straight off! Her skirts under her arms! Her belly absolutely to the ground! Gone back under the Thames! Taken the tunnel of the depths!… She arrived home spluttering, all pooped, knocked out by the running! He was a little man all dressed in black!… That was all she knew about him… He was full of bones, supposedly… pointy everywhere…

  Some hell of a story! The way he’d thrown himself on her! Plop! From the lamp-post!… Swooped down on her!… Right at the Tunnel exit!… With all his weight!… Not heavy! Just bones!… Sure of that! Positive!…

  All the same he was strong in spite of his being so light! Struggle as she did, he’d kept her in his arms!… In his bony embrace!… Covered her with kisses at the same time! And then right away the cigarettes!… “Here, Delphine!”… His hand full of them… There were the cigarettes!… No denying it!… Sticky, gummy, green… She lifted her veil to get a good look at them… there on the table… and it wasn’t an illusion!… She couldn’t get over it!… There was even a bit of bone with the butts!… A tiny yellow piece! A bonelet!… Ah! It was beyond dispute!… And then the words he had uttered… “Oh, Delphine! I’m your friend! Your friend! The Sky Physician!” She kept repeating it to us… “Your friend!… The Sky Physician!”… His very words!…

  We tried to figure it out… who could it have been? All three of us… maybe it was a vampire?… Maybe a priest?… Maybe it was a German disguised as an eccentric?… A funambulist? A ghost?… Some practical joker?… But we really knew nothing!… We sniffed at the cigarettes… They had a queer smell!… Not at all the smell of tobacco… Rather like honey and sulphur… a mixture… really not a tempting aroma… But it got the old guy at once… Naturally! His taste!… He wanted to sniff at them over and over!… Kept sticking his nose into them without a stop!… Pushing his whole face into them… stuffing them up his nostrils!… A real infatuation on the spot… Then he wanted to chew them… that seemed to do him good… I must say it might have worked… Both of us tried… With a drop of cognac! But smoking them was another matter!… The dark man had told her! Ah! He’d warned her and kept repeating! That it cured the sick but would kill a healthy man outright!… Ah! No mistake! Any healthy man! That left us a little puzzled… All the same chewing made us awfully thirsty… There was some gin in the cupboard… more gin! It’s refreshing with water… We tossed off a whole bottle! And then a whole bottle of cider with it at the same time! First-class cider!… With kirsch in it!… There goes the old boy drinking!… That does him even more good!… Ah, now we’re getting all nervous… We start arguing again! We’ve got to make up our minds!… Whether we smoke these phenomenal butts or not?… The sky weeds, goddamn it!… That’s the word for it!… We stood there in a muddle…

  Boro starts tearing one open!… He stuffs it into his pipe… lights up… it was burning all right… It smelt all right as smoke… I wanted to try too… it might be good for the Horror… We were always thinking about his good… it resembled eucalyptus in a way… he always smoked a lot of eucalyptus… the poor guy… Immediately we all take a puff… then two… then three… The old guy’s inhaling the smoke all the way down… he swallows it… ours too… he’s inhaling everything… it seems to be working… he’s breathing better… it eases him!

  “Feeling grand, boys! Feeling grand!…”

  He’s feeling high… and letting us know… Suddenly I’m happy with him…

  “It’s going to my head!… I’m woozy!… I feel just delightful!”

  Those were my words after about ten minutes… I remember exactly!… And then I felt like vomiting… not much, just an idea… I held it in… Plain nausea… It sure went to your head… It came out of your eyes… like snivelling… Boro said he wasn’t seeing straight either…

  “You’re double!” he says to me… “You’re double, fathead!”

  The Horror was getting high!… He was inhaling more than we were… he was jumping around in his furs… He was more comfortable too… He was lying down… it was getting him real hot… He was jumping on the bed… He was getting all passionate… even while choking away… He grabs hold of Delphine… He squeezes her with all his might… he throws her down on his couch! Still out of breath… He puts his tongue into her mouth… all the way in… he’s declaring his love… while coughing and smoking away… It was quite an act!… The smell was revolutionizing him!… Ah! I thought he was going to croak the way he was tossing around coughing… Delphine, that was another matter… She was cluck-clucking away!… She escaped!… Came back!…

  “Oh, cluck! Oh, cluck!… Please Mr Claben!…” while twisting around on the bed swooning… most happy…

  They were both urging me to take a cigarette!…

  “Smoke little one!… Smoke!…”

  It was making me sick… Everything was going round… I was seeing stars… but mine was just starting!… It couldn’t’ve been tobacco… It was far more brutal!… It was wooziness with a wallop… the real thing!… No laughing matter… It immediately made Boro queer… maybe in a quarter of an hour… maybe just two or three cigarettes… completely off!… He wants to go up the stairs… I see him trying… holding tight to the rail… Heave ho!… Step by step!… When he gets to the landing… he turns round… he rolls about-face!… Zoom!… He topples straight into space!… It’s fantastic!… He’s not scared!… Not at all!… Through the air!… Boom!… He falls right in!… Into the junk… He disappears into the crater!… into the porcelains! the crockery! He emerges delighted!… He brushes himself off… shakes himself! He’s going up again! He hasn’t dropped his pipe… it’s still lit!… His hands are bleeding a little… He wants to start all over… He’s going up!… To the top of the stairs… Heave ho!… Hop! A tumble!… He’s off again!… Higher and higher!… He’s torn a whole ear off!… Now he’s full of blood!… It gives Titus a big laugh!… Sitting there in his bed… he applauds! He applauds! And then the chortling starts him choking!… The fun’s strangling him!… Our patient can’t take any more! He rolls and convulses over Delphine!… Ah! We’re having a great time!… The little loonies!… He loses his turban!… They put it back on… Boro’s laughing hard too… all smudged red… ah! We’re plastered to the limit! Those weeds must be poison… that’s what I’m thinking, the way I see it!… Even with all my nausea!… My idea!… Just have to see those poor wretches… the way they’re yowling!… Squirming!…

  “Poison! Poison!” I yell to Delphine in English!…

  She doesn’t give a damn about
poison! She hasn’t taken off her hat, or her veil, or her gloves, she’s simply tucked up her skirts… she’s on top of Claben again! She’s frolicking on him! Astride! Giddy-up! She’s singing… she’s roaring with laughter…

  Hep! Youp! Horsey!

  See me that horse!

  Trot! Hi! Gallop!

  To Burberry Cross!

  The charge of the children!…

  Ah! Some fun!… The old guy’s drooling in the furs… The smoke’s so thick I can barely see them… we’ll pass out in that atmosphere… “I’m going to run all around!” I say to myself… A sudden idea… it’ll do me good!… Around the big heap of furs… I was squatting. Then Boro grabs hold of me… He’s colossal… He lifts me up, he carries me in his arms… I kick, I rear, I bite at his wrists… He carries me off anyway!… He’s as strong as a bear… He rocks me on the bed next to the two pigs… He lies on top of me too… He’s crushing me… belching at me… jabbering at me…

  “I love you!… I love you!”… He’s fondling me… “Ferdinand my baby face!” he calls me…

  And now the other two, the Horror and his maid, go for my pants!… They want to take them off!… They’re dead set on it… they want to go down on me!… They say it right out!… They yell it at me!… They clutch me, pull at me, roll on me… they’re drooling on my head… but Boro won’t let go of me!… He grips me, chokes me!… He’s much too strong… All three of us are rolling… we fall down! Plop! Plunk! From the bed! Whack!… On the floor!… We go sprawling… I tear myself from his grip!… I get out of it!… I stand up… I’m seeing red… I’m going to kill Boro!… I see the yataghan hanging there in the middle of the room!… In the air… very sharp… right in the darkness… just at my height!… Ah, it’s going to be a cinch! I grab the sabre!… It eludes me!… What a dope!… Am I boiling!…