“Shit!” I say… “Just my luck!… It’s an illusion!…”
The rest of them were in stitches watching me carry on that way, their little zany!… They’re laughing at me! They’re in seventh heaven!… The old guy’s stopped choking!… He’s cured, sure thing!… They’re necking away hard… giving each other love taps… They adore each other… and big gooey kisses… right in the midst of the hotchpotch!…
“Come and see!”… he calls to me. “Come and see! My little bunny!… My little onion!”
It’s the Horror urging me!… I don’t want to go near… Immediately he leans over his table, he shows me his globe, his water lamp… with the light in it…
“Look!…” he says… “Look…”
We all bend over it… We look hard… to the bottom… We don’t see anything at first…
“Don’t you see the man?… Don’t you see the man?” he insists in my ear…
I squint harder… I press my beak… I’m sort of hypnotized… maybe I see something in the crystal… sort of jigging in the ball… but I’m not sure… I lean farther over… I get all the way down… And Boro goes for me again… He takes advantage of my leaning over… he wants to spank me in public… I give him a stiff clout in the eye… a real hard sock… he goes staggering backwards!… He goes smashing into the sofa! He stays there collapsed! then I go for him! I climb on him! On his big body! I stamp on him! I kick him! I let him have it!… I go right at him!
We’re all pretty tight, no denying it!… Worse than that!… We’re boiling!… We’re thundering!… It can’t be what we drank that’s affecting us like that!… There’s no such liquor!… After all, I’ve still got my common sense… It’s the poison cigarettes! That’s it! It’s the cigarettes! I said it as soon as I saw them… I’m going to cut their throats, all of them!… Right now! And no one’s going to stop me! No doubt about it!… I feel it!… To make them spit out their lies!… All their lies!… All over the place!… I’m going to save them in spite of themselves!… I see a big battle scene!… It’s a vision!… A movie!… Ah! It’s going to be something out of the ordinary!… In the darkness above the tragedy!… There’s a dragon munching them all!… Tearing their behinds out… their guts… their livers… I see it all!… Ah, the poor carcasses!… It’s all dripping, bleeding! It squirts in my eye! Rip their buttocks out! Ah, there!… That’s a juicy piece… That dragon’s got hooks like sabres!… The louse!… He digs into the meat again… It goes “Rrrpp”… each time!… The blood squirts all over… spatters!… I’m going to pep myself up too!… I’m going to smoke up all their tobacco!… That’s it! That’s it! That’s the big miracle! I swipe some from Delphine’s bag… one, two, three, four cigarettes!… The sticky ones… just wait!… They’ll see how I smoke them!… No monkey business!… Another one and then two!… Then twelve!… I smoke nine of them together!… All at the same time!… My mouth full… all together!… The spoilt brat!… I light up nine of them at the lamp!… I take a good squint!… I immediately see the things!… The queer things inside! At the very bottom of the ball!… Ah! He sure was right!… Damned old Horror! I’m fascinated!… It’s my head moving!… And Boro, his head beckoning… He’s after me, the louse! He’s coming from the back of the shop, feeling his way… blindly, from one thing to another…
“I see you!” he screams!… “I see you clearly!… I see you, you wet blanket… It’s some job, huh? You big dope! Come here, pretty boy! Come, I’ll tell you something!…”
He takes me by the ear… He whispers to me… He’s got an idea! Ah! But I’ve got the sabre in my hand! I’m armed, fearfully! That’s why he’s joining up with me now!… Something bad’s going to happen!… I’m holding the sabre in my left hand!… My strong and powerful left hand!… Invincible! I’m going to slit the skunk’s nostrils!… I don’t like homos!… What if I cut off his organs?… Ah, that’d be something! I’m thinking about it!… I’m thinking about it!… But suppose he went around telling?… Ah! That scares me!… I’m palpitating!… Ah! The gab! The yellow doubt!… Boro’s really a stool pigeon! A big dirty double-crosser!… He’s in the police, that’s it!… Ah! A rotten hunch! I see him as a policeman! I see him double!… I see ten of him!… With his ten helmets at the same time! Ah! Still and all it’s funny! I’ve stopped killing him! I give up the idea!… The old guy’s clamouring again!… He’s bellowing! He wants the piano!… He’s dreaming a concert!… He’s having a sweet dream about the piano! The female too!… They insist! They’re both crying!… But Boro, that’s another matter!… The pound they owe him!… They squabble… It’s his dough he wants!… Titus gives in!… He’s ready for great sacrifices! He doesn’t have the strength!… Anything so long as he plays!… plays the pretty piano! Magic! Charm!… One pound!… Two, three pounds!… Ten!… For the ‘Merry Widow Waltz’!… It’s a craze for chords!… In short, he’s in good humour… He’s under Delphine at the moment, just swooning, she’s lapping him, kissing him voraciously… straddling him… Suddenly he brutally tears away… he wants to grab me… he wants to play with me!… But Boro rushes in between us… He doesn’t want it to go on… He wants his dough and right away!… He wants his twenty pounds!… Twenty pounds, he demands!… He swears!… He curses!… He’s in a rage!
“You big pig! Twenty pounds! You hear me!… Twenty pounds or I’ll croak you!”
That doesn’t trouble the old guy… on the contrary!… You’d think it delighted him… he immediately grabs his money bag… he who’s usually so shrewd… who’d skin a flea… he lays the bag on his belly, his big game pouch… He opens it wide!… He plunges into it… It’s the charm acting!… And no mistake!… It’s miraculous!… We stand there popeyed looking at him!… He’s being as nice as can be… It doesn’t matter that he’s coughing and snorting, he smiles anyhow! He drools, clears his throat, spits out his asthma! With enormous effort! Another big whoop… an awful one!… And then he turns his whole bag inside out… there, plop! On the bed!… Clink! Clink! Clink!… A wave of gold pouring out!… All over the furs… the bedspread!… The rugs!… How it flows!… Sparkles!… Clinks!… I plunge Boro’s hand right into it, right in the cool glittering flood… and then all the coins suddenly go flying off! Right in front of our eyes!… All the money!… They whirl around! Spangle! Scatter!… The whole magic flutter! Across the room!… I see a hundred, I see a thousand louis! little ones, big ones, sovereigns!… I’ve never seen so much dough!… The way it twinkles in the atmosphere! Nice and dainty! Frisky! Flighty!… It lights up the whole shop!… With gold and glints… it tinkles!… I stand there popeyed!… The others are getting a hell of a kick out of me!… They’re laughing… howling at me… the way I stand there like a dope!… The old guy opens his bag again… leaves it yawning in the air and all the coins flutter in! Come home to the dark hole!… Rushing in like little birds into a cage!… And then he spills it all out again! It tumbles over the table!… The whole heap shining!… It’s time to wash our hands!…
All three of us plunge into the pile, Boro, me, Delphine…
We give our hands a good washing in the treasure!… Boy, it’s pretty extraordinary… It’s a real hallucination!… Suddenly we feel like smoking again!… And Delphine’s the one egging us on… Ah! Mustn’t weaken! In spite of the nausea!… Since that’s what prodigies are like! Strength, by the God of the Treasure!… Happiness in the air!… You can see it!… We’re not scared!… The nausea’s getting worse! We’ll puke it all out!… We’re down to the last cigarettes!… They’re really intoxicating weeds!… The old guy keeps jeering!… He’s shaking the whole shop with his snickering… Especially since he’s choking too…
“Stop it, you hyena! Stop it!” Boro yells at him.
The bawling-out steps him up! What joy! He writhes! He chortles!… He keeps guffawing like mad!… We start laughing too! And big cluck-cluckings… We’re making big gurgling belly music! It echoes all through the joint… That’s the noise we’re ma
king now… It was Delphine who started it… Cigarettes like that make you awfully thirsty! So hot and bitter!… There’s nothing left to drink!… It’s awful!… We start counting all the gold again!… We’re so god-damned hilarious that we’re practically fainting with laughter!…
No one’d ever seen the Horror displaying all his gold on the table! His entire treasure!… All the money!… And he’s busting with exaltation! I was helping him hold down the little rascals!… Take it easy!… None of that!… They’re beating it! Running out the door!… Oh God!… Wide open there!… Whizzing off!… At top speed!… We all pile on them!… We crush them!… We squash everything!… Right on top of them!… Right on the bed!… Flat on our bellies!… All three of us!… In the big fur!… Like nice pleasant friends!… You’d think they were delighted rummaging around in the fortune… rolling in it on the bed… wallowing in the big heap of gold. It was Boro who got rough… he started it!… Ah, that’s a fact! He wanted to eat one of the coins!… Just swallow it down!… All raw!… A half-guinea! Ten shillings! Sixpence! And then ten!… And then fifteen at a time!… Whole mouthfuls… The old man says something to him… Right off Boro gets red and green with anger!…
Ah! right off, immediately!
“Claben! Listen!” he barks at him… “Go on! You’re eating them too! You big slob! You louse! You big pansy!”
That’s what he calls him!…
“Open your mug!”
The old guy was giggling so that he couldn’t defend himself!… Fell flat on his back with his mouth open… Then Boro starts cramming him… he stuffs him… he rams it down!… Coins by the fistful… like that, by force!… The old guy swallows it all! He breathes for a second!… And poof he rams in another!… Another fistful!
“Go on, Papa! Go on! Have some salt with it!”
That’s how he talks to him.
No pity!
Delphine was holding up her big darling’s head while Boro was stuffing him… She was giving him big kisses!… Smack! Smack! Smack! On his big cheeks… on his big jowls… The old guy’s appetite was enormous! In spite of his choking he kept wanting more!… Still more!… He wanted to wolf it all down… another little one!… Another one!… All the coins!… All the little coins there on the table!… The whole pile!… He was still hungry!… He chewed everything! He gobbled it all!… The greedy pig!
“Another one!… Another!…” he kept calling… His throat was full… shaking with wild laughter!… His belly was full, making noises… it jingled in his pants!… The more it jingled, the more he laughed!… His whole paunch making golden noise!
“Another one!… Another one!… My love!…”
Delphine kept encouraging him that way… to swallow two, three more! There were none left on the table, since he’d gobbled them up… or on the bed either… They turned his bag inside out… they slapped the bottom… Nothing left!… Nothing at all! He’d guzzled them all!… All the gold!… Ah, the big fat dirty glutton!… And he was exulting, delighted!… Through his coughing fits!… He couldn’t stop laughing, the freak!… His whole guts jingling!… All the gold in it! Hardware!… Jangling! Jingling!… Ah! He was feeling much better!… He sits up… He wants to smarten up, put on make-up!… A little lipstick!… Do his eyelashes!… His eyebrows… Kittenish! Kittenish!
“I want to love you, you little rascal! You little savage!”… he’s teasing me… He’s steaming, drooling, bubbling, grunting… I can’t move any more… I’m not like him… I feel like lead!… My head! Legs! Everything!… I’m groggy!… I force myself… uh! Uh!… I’m rolling… I tumble off the bed… He grabs hold of me… he hoists me up… he puts me down near them…
Then Delphine starts acting nuts!… She grabs me, she sucks at me!… She’s a vampire!… I’m revolted, tear away!… A mighty leap!… Into the air!… I get away… I’m saved!… I fall down on the rifle!… The big Winchester!… His hunting gun!… I grab it… I don’t let go!… It melts in my hands!… That’s a fact!… I’m telling the truth! It melts away on me!… The butt stretches like putty, it trickles through my fingers… Marshmallow!… Everything I touch melts!… And everything starts turning around the globe! Like a merry-go-round… the water lamp… I’m seeing things inside it! I see garlands… I see flowers!… I see daffodils!… I see birdies!… I realize it’s not so… I tell Boro!… He belches at me!… He’s between Delphine and the old guy!… They’re still at their dirty game!… There in the big bed!… They’re making me sicker!… The guy who guzzled all his dough!… He doesn’t feel sick!… All the money in his bag!… He’s satisfied… he’s hilarious!… He’s jumping around on his big can… he’s squealing with joy!…
Boro’s getting annoyed, he’s getting sore… He demands twenty-five pounds and right away… Twenty-five pounds then and there… twenty-five! A big stink, right away!… No kidding around!… He’s getting hot under the collar!… He starts boiling!… He’s acting like my father!… His eyes are rolling, goggling, popping out of his head!… That’s the way he is.
“My pound!” he screams… “No my twenty-five!… No thirty!… Shit!” He’s always wanting more!…
He grabs him by his overcoat… by his scarf… he’s throttling him!…
“You going to puke it out, you skunk?…”
Delphine’s lying there with her head thrown back, grunting, dazed… She’s wailing, puking… The old guy feels like throwing up too… He’s making horrible efforts… he’s barking!… He’s beating the air!… Waving his arms around… All you can see is the white of his eyes!… He wants to vomit but he can’t!… Not a single little gold piece!… He’s convulsing, even disgorging! But only drool!… Only gurgles… not a single coin!… Oooach!… Oooaach!… No go.
“Slit open his belly!… Slit it!” Boro yells to me… wild, dishonest… “Slit it! I want mine right now!… Stop thief!… Empty him!…”
He’s talking to me.
That’s an idea!… It’s superb!… Ah! I get enthusiastic pronto!
Ah! But what’ll Delphine say?… Ah! I’ve got to wake her up right away!… Got to see the face she’ll make! We’re going to open her guy up!… Come on! I’m shaking you, baby doll!… I grab her by the hair, I jolt her!… I yank her!… Nothing doing! She grunts but doesn’t wake up! Then Boro gets on the old guy, mounts on his belly!
He’s crushing him with all his weight!… squeezing his Adam’s apple meanwhile… and harder and harder!… The Horror turns all yellow right away… his tongue’s hanging clean out… He’s not breathing any more, that’s sure!… He’s just a big enormous yellow piece of wax!… It’s awful to look at! I can’t take any more!… “I don’t want to see it!” I tell him right out!…
“Come here!” says Boro… he’s ordering me besides!… “Come on, mopey!… Got to give the poor guy some relief!… You’ll see! We’re going to do him lots of good!”
Ah! It’s about time!… What a fine idea!… I’m all for it!… Right away!
So we grab him by the shoes… we lift up the whole damned bulk another little bit!… Wow! He’s heavy!… He’s heavy!… Good and heavy!… Head hanging down!… Heavy as an ox! Heave ho! Lift! Ah! It’s tough work!… I’m sweating!… Streams of it!… Makes me close my eyes!… Heave ho! Another big tug!… Heave ho!… And poof!… Let go!… Plop! His hard skull on the stone floor!… It jolts the whole shop!… The whole place jumps with the shock!… The turban comes off… rolls away!… And we start all over!… Heave ho!… Once! Twice! Mustn’t give in!… Up in the air… and bang!… All his weight!… He’s going to puke up his nest egg!… No go! No go!… Doesn’t puke! Nothing!… Doesn’t throw up a single coin!… It’s dumbfounding! It dumbfounds both of us!… It gets us damned sore again!… It’s not high enough from the bed!… Got to lift him way higher! An enormous height!
Ah! That’s the idea!… Hoist him up again by his capes, head down!… Up the stairway!… All the way up! Heave ho! All the steps!… The w
hole flight! Heave ho! And up! Let ’er go! Boy, it’s hard work!… Keep at it! Ah! That does it! Here he is! Let ’er go! Whang! What a crash! Whang! His big head!… The whole floor shakes with the shock!… Not a peep out of him!… Not the least sigh!… Not an oof!… He crashed. That’s all!… We can’t leave him like that!… We jump on his belly… We bounce up and down on it!… To see if he’s going to puke!… Go fuck yourself!… Doesn’t say oof!… Not the slightest hiccup… We bend down to look at his face… we put the globe lamp right against it… his head’s split! Wow!… A hole right between the eyes… A crack!… A noseful of snot dripping… Hasn’t said oof! Just like that, ringing his head!… Boro stares popeyed… It’s all white… all gooey… all the same it’s a surprise… He didn’t say oof!… Hasn’t puked up a coin!… Not one little sovereign!… Ah! The mule! He’s stubborn!…
“Hey!” Boro exclaims… “Hey, you!… Can you imagine such a louse? Didn’t even burp!…”
I look at him… I don’t get it… And then I sit down, goddamn it!… That was some job!… He sure was heavy!… We had a tough time!… I wouldn’t’ve believed it!… It made me dizzy!… Even Boro was knocked out!… And yet he’s a real husky!… We both sit down… We just sit there like dopes. We’re resting on the furs… On the bugger’s couch! Let’s hit the hay, brother!… We sure accomplished something!… That’s what I said to Boro…
Guignol's Band Page 17