Guignol's Band

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “He’d plunge me into a deep sleep… catalepsy!… And then all the indecencies!… All the miseries!… So I’d suffer!… Suffer more! Always more! And it was never enough!… He was never satisfied… He’d lend me to his Brahmans!… A whole night long for their black magic!… Then to the Davides* of Bengal!… For their great orgy!… With burns and everything!… I’d come back in the morning dead… I could see he was possessed!… And I loved him more and more!… Like you! Yes, like you, sweetie!… Oh! My love, be a bit tender!… Don’t you know how to caress?”

  “Tell me more!”

  “He dug needles into me!… During the act!… Blood flowed from the wounds! He sucked it all! Look, like that! Pff! Pff! He walked over my feet! And me so sensitive!… And then when it was time for the trunk he really locked me in!… I was really suffocating!… He even thought up something better!… That was his prize act!… He sawed off my head every evening… and two matinees besides… Then I really used to die of fright!… He’d carry me off to his dressing room… He’d take me in that state! In Rangoon I was really dead! Ah! The sound of the saw!… Listen! Rrr!… Rrr!… Rrr!… The blood flowed down to the orchestra!… The spectators would faint!… His eyes looked like this!”

  She imitated Sosthène’s eyes… how frightful they were… extraordinary! You couldn’t look at them! You’d die of fright!

  “He’d have me brought back to the stage!… They’d carry me on a stretcher with his Brahmans! What a triumph! Imagine!… And then when we got back to the hotel he’d make love to me! You don’t know what it was like! He’d strangle me again very gently!… I’d get scared again… The temple was driving him crazy! Here, you do it to me too!”

  Her neck was soft and full of folds… I squeezed a little.

  “Squeeze, my pet!… Squeeze!… Your tongue!… Your tongue!”

  I had to stick my tongue out at the same time!… It was complicated!…

  I did my best.

  “Then what happened?”

  I wanted to know the details!…

  “Around the world again twice!… Two months in Berlin!… Six months in New York!… I didn’t recognize him any more, he had changed so!… He was mean and insulting with almost everyone… He who had always been so pleasant, who spoke with such refinement… He slapped a lady in Copenhagen… our orchestra leader in Hamburg… and then the manager… Those scandals did us a lot of damage!… The impresarios cancelled us… they blacklisted us… Nobody wanted us any more!… And our magic trunk… we were stuck in Singapore… I’d got so thin that I was impossible in tights!… It even made a horrible noise every time he beat me!… The skeleton!… It was awful for the neighbours!… We were put out of hotels!… We went back to India… Then came the final catastrophe!… He who had never gambled… I mean baccarat! He started gambling! He plunged recklessly… he played everything… The fiend!… He played the races! Heads or tails! Whist! Roulette! Anything!… He’d win!… He’d lose!… He’d spend nights at it!… He stopped making love to me! He forgot about me!… And then he went at it again!… Even more furiously! Ferociously! The tiger!… He tore off one of my nipples! Here! Look!”

  She shows me her breast… It’s a fact, the tip was off!

  “He bit me, look, like that!… He didn’t want me on the stage any more!… He clawed all our orchestra leaders! He couldn’t stand them!… The result was we were living in poverty.”

  Ah! She stops… Ah! It’s too sad… she didn’t want to tell any more… she wanted me to undress… a sudden whim!… She was dead set on it!… She wanted to see my nipple!

  I take off my jacket only… I want her to continue.

  “He put all the money we had left into a company! Listen, a mining company!… Since they weren’t moving fast enough! At least according to him!… Then he was afraid they’d rob us!… Twenty years of savings from the theatre!… He decided that we’d go prospecting ourselves… that we’d make an enormous fortune in emeralds… in lapis lazuli… God knows what!… It was called the Gem Proceeding Company.”

  Ah! He’d spoken to me about that! I couldn’t deny it!…

  “Ah! My darling! How I’ve suffered!… I was so cold in those mountains… We were looking for veins!… All our savings went into it!… He made scenes, even up there! On the plateaus of Tibet!… Still jealous!… Always the Rajah!… ‘You’ll have your opal temple!’ He’d beat me in front of the porters! He treated me worse than a dog in his jealous fits!… I didn’t want to leave him!… Would you like me to make a little fire?”

  “No!” I thanked her.

  “Me, accustomed to luxury, sleeping among those savage Mongolians! Caked with lice!… When I complained a bit!… Immediately insults!… Blows!… Atrocities!… He’d throw his fit… the Temple! the Temple! His bugbear!… The Rajah! He couldn’t shake it off! He’d go crazy again!… To go back to Delhi we borrowed money, twelve piastres, from, now hold tight, the Catholic Mission!… That shows you how we stood!… Fine!… He thinks up something else!… A new idea!… ‘Pépé! Pépé! I see what’s lacking!’… It lights him up!… ‘We’ll never succeed!’… ‘What’s lacking?’ I ask… ‘An ancestor!’… I didn’t see why an ancestor?… Why that idea?… He’d got it into his head going from convent to convent talking with the monks… talking Baluchi with them, the language they speak there. ‘This is going to be something!’ I said to myself… ah! It was something! We had an ancestor!… We went back to France to get him!… We trotted him around… we brought him back… again! Then here! Back there! Everywhere!… He’s here now! They removed him from his vault… it was very expensive! Very very expensive!”

  She pointed to the end of the garret… next to the wardrobe… just under the roof… the ancestor’s wicker chest… a long flat one…

  Sosthène was the one who interested me.

  “Will he be leaving again soon?”

  I was fishing.

  “Where’s the money coming from, darling? Luckily we don’t have any left!”

  Ah! That was a relief! A comfort! For her! They’d be forced to stay in London! She couldn’t see herself back in Tibet!

  “Kiss me!… Kiss me!… Ah! You’re not ready to leave either! Go on! You’re not ready!… Look, here it is!… Here it is, do you feel it?”

  I had to give her another taste of it!… On the neck, the torture spot where there was still a scar… a circle all around…

  I was waiting, but he hadn’t come back.

  I wondered what the hell he was doing outside, that Chinese guy… What if he stayed out a week? a month?… Would I have to sleep there? She kept trying to get a rise out of me…

  “You see, darling, I’m putting some powder on for you!… There! It’s on!… But I can do without it, you know!… Touch my skin… Feel how soft it is… He used to want me to powder myself!… White!… White!… Always paler!… He preferred me that way!… ‘Pépé, my little dead darling!’ he called me… since the day I almost stayed there because of the saw!… If you had seen that act!… I’m still pretty, you see! But in Melbourne!… If you had seen!… I’d never been so lovely!… All the Brahmans in the act, even though they were used to me, couldn’t believe their eyes!… It was they who unnailed the cover… I was supposedly dead!… I appeared in a flood of roses!… What applause!… It lasted twenty minutes… Once three quarters of an hour in Sydney!… All the people were standing and shouting, I looked so magnificent!… Tell me! Do I kiss well?… Wouldn’t you like to take me in the flowers?… You see that trunk?… Under the transom… it’s still full of roses!… Artificial ones… but they’re perfect! You’ve never seen anything like them!… So lovely!… You’ll take me in them!… Wait’ll you see!… They come from Bongsor Malaya… You can’t imagine what they can do with petals… bits of velvet! Real flowers dried in the monsoons!… I’ll show you!”

  She leaves me… she hops over… she plunges into the trunk!… She sends all the ro
ses flying!… A cloud of petals! They scatter all over! All around!… Another armful and another!… A rain of petals… in a big cloud of dust!… Both of us sneeze… what laughing! Ah! We’re having a great time!…

  Ding! Ding!… Someone’s knocking! Banging at the door…

  She readjusts her petticoat… she runs in her slippers… It’s a chubby little boy with a bottle of milk…

  “Thank you!… Thank you!”

  And a big kiss for the little boy!… Another one! Another big kiss! Dear little chappy!… And she makes a grab for the little devil! He’s wheedled, pawed, licked, smothered in the twinkling of an eye! Caresses! Right on the doormat! Just standing there!… The baby errand boy!… Ah! The little rascal!… He squirms and clucks just like her!… It’s probably not the first time!… He’s probably delighted to bring up the lady’s milk!… No one’s worrying about me!… I’m left in the lurch, sitting there on the bed… All the same I think it’s a bit thick!… Suppose someone comes up?… I don’t think she’s in her right mind!… The old hag’s on fire!… That’ll cause another row!… What a mess if someone comes up!… I’d better shut the door… As if, damn it, I’m not in enough trouble!… Now another jam!… With cops all around! This time a sex maniac! Ah! Nothing doing! I get up! No! Down again! Hell! I can’t move! My legs are like lead!… Let ’em play! Fed up! goodbye! I’m too dazed by the pavements… I’ve done too much walking since last night… I’m pooped!… She’s getting livelier! It’s her nerves! A case of nerves! She’s all steamed up, fiddling around with the kid!… Kitchy-kitchy! Maybe that’s my fault too! Everything’s my fault these days!… I’m going to kick ’em out! Both of ’em! They’re making me boil! Down the stairs!… I’ll let ’em have it! Head first!… I’ll make ’em cluck! Just wait!

  I stand up! I start going! Just then a yelling… from downstairs.

  “You bitch! You bitch!” from the street… “Get inside, hide yourself, you filthy slut!…” From all the way downstairs… from the corridor.

  I don’t know what the hell to do with myself!

  “Will you let that child alone!”

  The kid makes a dash!… Boom! His hobnailed boots! He’s running!… She spins around! throws herself on me! Into my arms!… Sobbing in wild fright!… Sosthène’s standing in the doorway… on the mat… He’s looking at us…

  “Listen!… Listen!…” I begin…

  He breaks in on me.

  “I understand!”

  He moves forward… he’s offended! He refuses to shake hands… Then he breaks down, trembles, plops on the edge of the bed… he’s all in… he’s grunting… choking… spitting…

  “Oh là là!” he mumbles… “Oh là là!”

  He’s still wearing a Chinese robe but not the same flowered one… this one’s yellow and red… with ibises all over… He doesn’t take off his big hat… he just sits there dreamily… “Oh là là!” he mumbles… “Oh là là!” And then he gets sore again… he stands up in a fury… he goes for the bitch! Boy, oh boy! He shakes his umbrella over the slut’s head! She throws herself at his feet… she writhes… she crawls…

  “Pépé! Get up!… I’m ashamed of you!”

  “I know, my beloved!… I know!”

  She kisses his robe, his shoes… she’s overwhelmed… convulsing with remorse!…

  “My darling!… My darling!… My life!”

  That’s what she calls him.

  “Stand up!… Stand up!… You wretch!”

  “Yes, I am a wretch! Oh! Yes! I’m damned!” she answers. “That’s what I am!” Shaky! sobbing…

  It’s agonizing… it’s horrible…

  “Go on, turn around!… Beg my pardon!”

  She obeys.

  She bends down on the other side…

  He tucks up her rags.

  “Look at that behind! That abomination, young man!”

  He calls me to witness… The kid’s come back too.

  She seesaws… she undulates her arse… she wiggles her can…

  “Oh! What an ugly arse!… Isn’t it ugly, Monsieur?”

  He’s saying it to me.

  And whack! And whack!… With his umbrella!… And bang! A big kick in the rear end!… She goes bouncing into the roses!… She’s still bawling, but not so loud, just little sobs now…

  He rushes off, runs, rummages around on the other side… behind the partition… the faucet… he turns it on…

  “Coming!… Coming!…” he yells… And he’s back again!… Full of pep! He tucks her up again!… Oop! And the whole bucket of water! Splash! Right in the can!… He runs out again… he comes back, he’s starting all over… she’s lying there all stretched out on the floor… her arse all bare…

  “Deary! Deary!” she’s imploring him.

  “Arse on fire!… Arse on fire!… There!… Another one!”

  He heaves! He splashes everything!… The floor’s a pool!… Slushy!… She’s floundering around… wriggling in it… he slips… he stumbles… Boom!… He goes flying!… The bucket… everything!… His hat!… He tumbles on her!… He throws a fit!… She busts out laughing!… Ah! The slut!… He tries to get up!… Ah! A fit! He flops again!… He gets tangled in his robe!… She screams with laughter! All right then!… He’s wild with rage!… He rips off everything!… His robe!… His jacket… his coat… he jumps around all naked!… Right on the spot! In a frenzy!

  “She’ll drive me crazy!… She’ll drive me crazy!”

  He’s screaming it out.

  “Get out of here!… Get out of here!…” He’s chasing her out… “Get out of here!… Never come back!”

  She stands up again, laughing away… she grabs the kid… she goes to the door, all perked up, wiggling!… The tramp! She leaves with the cherub!

  “Good day!…” she yells “Good day!…”

  He sits down, he’s whimpering, he’s puffing…

  “Ah! Young man, did you see that?… You call that a life? Did you see that lunatic?”

  He goes to slip on a pair of pants… He comes back… He’s still sighing… I want some information… Scenes aren’t everything!… It would be a good thing to know what’s what…

  “So China’s over?”

  I repeat the question.

  “China! China! What a notion! More than ever!”

  Ah! Full confidence! All sure of himself!

  He looks me over.

  “Do you think I’ve been wasting my time? Don’t be silly!”

  Really I’m stupid.

  “Let’s get down to figures!… There are my calculations!…” He points to one of the trunks beneath the transom… “Now let’s see!… 25,000 pounds at least!… We’ll know definitely in Calcutta!… Well, let’s say 30,000 or so! Not counting surprises!”

  He interrupts himself.

  “Pépé! Pépé!…” He’s calling her again.

  He whispers to me very low, “She listens at doors!… Beware!… Beware of women and especially foreign ones!…” He’s giving me advice… “Sh! Sh!… Never marry an American!”

  He rummages around again in his rags… in all his linings… his beautiful robe, all torn up… he pulls out a pack of newspapers… I see the Mirror among them… the Sketch… I was already sure… I glance at the photos… the headlines… I take a look… nothing in this one… or that one! Or the other one either!… Just war photos… the Battle of the Somme… the prisoners, the barbed wire, Wilhelm II, burning planes, etc. Not a word about us! That’s amazing!… They’ve dropped it… all of a sudden!… They’ve stopped bothering about us!… Completely! By magic! Sosthène’s not looking at the photos but at the classified ads… he’s looking with a pencil… he’s hunting for a heading… not this one… not that one… never the right one! He’s getting fidgety… I can see he’s irritated… he’s floundering around… he can’t read the ads…

&n
bsp; “It’s not Chinese!” I kid him. “I’ll help you!”

  We’ve got to read the Times! The Times! He digs down again and pulls out the Times from another robe lying on the sofa… Ah! Here we are!… Always at least ten pages of ads in the Times! Squeezed together! And very small! Ah! Something to work on! But what’s he looking for? He doesn’t tell me… Columns and columns… Marriages… Vacations… Help Wanted… Situations… What variety!

  “Are you looking for a job? What do you want?”

  “Investments”!… It’s “investments” he’s looking for… Capital… Ah! He’s checking… he checks every line… he’s getting excited… crosses everywhere… he’s writing down the sums, he’s getting worked up! He tries to read line by line… He’s botching it all up!… I was better at it… I figure it out as I go along… He’s looking for a certain ad under “Partnerships”… He knows! Someone told him… he’s informing me… Oh! In great demand!… A certain ad… “You’ve got to scan the columns…” and very closely… minutely! “Partnerships”! For babies’ bottles… For deluxe automobiles, elastic mattresses… light garden furniture… children’s toys… the exporting of layettes… fountain pens… movie houses, at least a hundred!… Sporting goods! Twelve breweries… Ah! That’s it! Here it is! A whole series! Gas masks!… That’s what he’s looking for! Gas Mask Engineers. Wanted promptly, young engineers… That’s it! That’s for us!… He’s quivering… something for us!… For trial perfect gas masks. Very large profits expected. Immediate premium 1,500 pounds. Partnership granted. War Department Order… That’s for us all right!… Colonel J.F.C. O’Collogham, 22 Willesden Mansions, W1.

  “Ah! The stars are with us!”

  I think so! I think so! His confidence is getting me! I’m excited! Ah! Right then and there! I’m getting worked up! Something at last!

  I’ve never yet seen him so gay! All of a sudden with such go! Blazing! The ads do him good! Me too! Ah! We’re so happy!

  “We’re approaching Gemini!”

  That’s what he comes up with!

  Jaunty whistling!

  “But be careful!… Let’s act!… Certain solstices last only two seconds! We must act!”