Losing You

by Susan Lewis

  He swallowed as he nodded. ‘She’s awake, is she?’

  ‘Yes, she’s awake, but be prepared for her to nod off while you’re talking to her. She’s had several visitors this morning, doctors, physios, occupational therapists, you name it. She’s insisting she’s not tired, but I’m not convinced.’

  Clutching his chocolates in both hands he followed Emma into the neuro ward, past the nurses’ station and to the open door of the side room, where Lauren was propped up against pillows with her right leg still in a cast. Her eyes, the exquisite amber eyes that he’d only seen in photos and on videos until now, were open and looking right at him. It made his breath catch and his insides seem to float.

  She looked lovely, Emma thought, in spite of the odd lengths of her hair and the dismaying paleness of her skin, which had previously glowed with such vitality.

  ‘I’m sure it’ll come back,’ the doctor had told her, ‘you just have to be patient.’

  Emma wasn’t finding it easy to heed this caution, especially when Lauren had looked healthier while she was still in a coma. Jo, the staff nurse, had assured her that was only because of the strain she was under now, trying to get used to her new surroundings and coax herself into doing things she hadn’t done for some time.

  ‘She will speak again though, won’t she?’ Emma had insisted. ‘And walk and be able to feed herself?’

  ‘Certainly the signs so far are good.’

  Though it hadn’t been the categorical yes Emma would have preferred, she was quick to remind herself how much more she had to hold on to now than she’d had a week ago.

  ‘Darling, this is Oliver,’ she said, standing aside so Lauren could get a clear view of her visitor.

  Lauren’s eyes were already on his, and Emma watched with pride as she appeared both pleased to see him and yet perplexed, as though she wasn’t sure if she was supposed to know him or not. She couldn’t be exuding emotions through her eyes if nothing was happening inside, and while she might not know who Oliver was, her inherent politeness was definitely still intact.

  ‘Hello, Lauren,’ he said, going towards the bed. He stopped and turned to Emma, as though seeking permission to go further.

  ‘It’s OK,’ Emma told him. ‘If you pick up her hand she’ll be able to talk to you.’

  Showing Lauren the chocolates, he said, ‘I don’t know if you like these, but if not you can always offer them to your visitors.’

  Lauren’s eyes dropped to the chocolates, then went back to his.

  Pulling up a chair, he sat on the edge of it and touched his fingers tentatively to hers.

  Lauren glanced down at their hands; then returned her gaze curiously to his. Her lips parted and a small noise came from the back of her throat.

  ‘She can’t move her hand to yours yet,’ Emma told him, ‘so you have to do it.’

  Without breaking their gaze, Oliver covered her fingers with his and held them gently. ‘You won’t remember me,’ he said softly, ‘but I like to think of myself as a friend.’

  He looked down as her hand made a small movement beneath his.

  ‘She’s saying yes,’ Emma explained. Her lips were trembling slightly as she smiled. There was something quite magical about watching them together, as though, oddly, they were finding each other after a long and lonely search that neither of them had even known they were making.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ he asked in barely more than a whisper.

  Emma gave Lauren a moment before quietly reminding Oliver that he needed to ask questions that could be answered with a yes or no.

  ‘Sorry,’ he apologised.

  Lauren’s eyes were searching his again. To Emma’s astonishment she began moving her hand and actually managed to lift it several inches from the bed before it fell back into his.

  ‘That’s the first time she’s done that,’ she told Oliver excitedly, wishing she knew what Lauren had been trying to do. The important thing was, though, she had raised her hand.

  Lauren turned to look at her. ‘Mmm, mmm,’ she said.

  ‘Yes, I’m still here,’ Emma assured her, knowing by now that the mmms meant Mum. ‘You’re wondering who Oliver is, aren’t you?’

  Lauren squeezed Oliver’s hand once.

  ‘She said yes,’ he told Emma.

  ‘Well, like he said, he’s a friend who’s been getting to know you while you’ve been here. He plays music for you to listen to and he talks to you about things.’

  Lauren took her eyes back to Oliver as he said, ‘I’ve downloaded k.d. lang’s new album. It’s called Recollection, and I reckon you’ll really like some of the tracks. They’re kind of cool, country, but not, if you know what I mean.’

  To Emma’s further amazement a light of humour showed in Lauren’s eyes as she squeezed his hand twice to say no.

  He blushed and laughed. ‘OK, so I didn’t describe it so well,’ he admitted. ‘Would you like to listen to it anyway?’

  Again she squeezed twice.

  Seeing how crushed he looked, Emma quickly said, ‘I think what she’s trying to say is that she’d rather you told her something about yourself. Is that right?’ she asked Lauren.

  Lauren’s grip tightened on his hand as she parted her lips to try to speak again.

  ‘I guess that was a yes,’ he teased her.

  Lauren’s eyes shone as she turned to her mother.

  ‘Would you like me to leave the two of you alone for a while?’ Emma offered.

  ‘Ouch!’ Oliver cried. He turned to Emma. ‘That was a definite yes.’

  There was the hint of a smile on Lauren’s lips now, and her eyes were so bright that Emma wasn’t sure who she wanted to hug more, her daughter or this boy who was doing more to light her up than anyone else had managed so far.

  ‘I can hardly get my head round it,’ she said to Polly on the phone a few minutes later as she sat down in the cafe. ‘Within minutes of him arriving she’d actually lifted her hand, and when I left just now she was still smiling, more or less, not at me, at him. They’re small things, I know, and anyone else might not notice them, but right now, to me, they’re feeling huge.’

  ‘Because they are,’ Polly declared joyfully. ‘Slowly, but surely, everything’s starting to wake up again. Like the doctor said, we just have to be patient. It’s going to happen though, I just know it.’

  Emma wanted to hold on to that and never, ever let it go, but she couldn’t forget the doctor’s warning that she had to be realistic. It simply wasn’t possible, he’d told her, for a human brain to sustain an impact of that force and survive in the same condition it had been in before. The most damaged of the cells had been removed during surgery, and though it was possible others would take over the tasks the old ones had performed, they had yet to find out to what degree the new ones were able to assume their new roles. ‘She’s probably not going to be exactly the same as before,’ she said, staring sadly down at her tea.

  ‘You have to give her a chance,’ Polly said, ‘it hasn’t even been a week yet.’

  ‘I know, but it threw me badly to realise that she didn’t know what the flute was when I showed it to her on Saturday. And she can’t remember the name of her school, or even who her friends are. Let’s hope that seeing Melissa will help to jog her memory a bit.’

  ‘I’m sure it will. She hasn’t had a problem with anyone else once she’s seen them.’

  Emma smiled mistily at that. ‘Did I tell you, I asked her at the weekend if there was anyone else she’d like to see and she said no? So does that mean she’s forgotten about Will?’

  ‘If she has, then I’m sorry to say, he only has himself to blame. On the other hand, I can see why you’d be worried about that when he’s such a significant part of her life.’

  ‘Or was, given that we’ve no idea what he’s going to be in the future. If she doesn’t make a full recovery, and he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with her, I can promise you this, I will not be doing anything to try and help her to remember him. In
fact, I shall go out of my way never to see or speak to him.’

  ‘In some ways it might be easier not to have him fussing around and stressing you out. You’re so not going to need it, especially when she comes home.’

  Feeling herself melt at the thought, even as she tensed with apprehension, Emma waved as she spotted her mother coming towards the cafe. ‘What’s happening later?’ she asked Polly. ‘Is it our turn to cook?’

  ‘No, mine, but, wait for this, can you believe, I have a date? So I’m hoping you won’t mind too much if I leave you to your own devices tonight.’

  ‘Absolutely not,’ Emma assured her with a pang of excitement, which might have been tinged with envy. How long had it been since someone had invited her out on a date? How wonderful it would be if that was all she had to think about for the rest of the day. ‘I’m assuming it’s Alistair Wood,’ she said.

  ‘Then you’d be wrong. It’s Keith McIntyre, who happens to be one of Alistair’s business managers. He takes care of the company’s interest in the nursery, which is how I’ve got to know him – well, we’ve met twice, actually, and spoken a few times on the phone. His call came out of the blue yesterday, I didn’t have a clue he was even interested.’

  ‘So are you?’

  ‘Kind of, I suppose. He’s quite sweet and to put it bluntly, I’m so out of practice where dating’s concerned that I thought what the hell, I might as well give it a go. It doesn’t have to lead to anything, and it’ll get me out for an evening, maybe even broaden my limited horizons. I’ll find out if he’s got a brother, or a friend, shall I?’

  Emma gave a splutter of laughter as her mother dumped her bags on a chair and went off to fetch a fresh pot of tea. ‘Don’t make it a priority,’ Emma advised her. ‘Just have a great time and don’t forget to call in the morning to tell me everything.’

  ‘It’s a promise,’ Polly assured her.

  As Emma rang off her phone bleeped with a text. Seeing it was Donna she sighed uneasily, knowing she’d have to call the girl sooner or later, but now, in the middle of this coffee shop, wasn’t the time to explain why she didn’t want her to visit Lauren. ‘Is everything OK?’ she asked when her mother came to sit down.

  ‘Yes, Mrs Dempster managed to get her shopping done in record time, bless her. She knew I wanted to get away to come here. She bought us a packet of summer bulbs to plant ready for when Lauren comes home. She’s very thoughtful, isn’t she?’

  ‘She’s a sweetheart,’ Emma agreed, ‘and I think she’s really enjoyed getting to know you.’

  ‘She used to be a fan of your father’s.’ Phyllis smiled softly. ‘She had all his records apparently, but they’ve managed to get lost along the way. Would you like a top-up?’

  ‘Yes please. Did you stop by to see Lauren?’

  Phyllis’s eyebrows rose as she nodded. ‘I take it that’s him, the one who’s in there with her?’

  ‘It is. Did you speak to him?’

  ‘Well, I said hello, of course, and told him who I was. Then I thought I’d best leave them to it, they seemed so engrossed in whatever they were listening to.’

  ‘k.d. lang, I expect. How did she look to you?’

  ‘She seemed quite ... bright. She’s obviously enjoying having someone her own age around.’

  ‘Not to mention someone of the opposite sex who’s very good-looking. It would brighten anyone’s day to have that sort of attention.’

  Phyllis’s eyes grew troubled. ‘Yes, he is good-looking, and I suppose he’s doing the right thing now, but I’m afraid I’m still finding it very hard to forgive him for what he did.’

  ‘It was an accident,’ Emma reminded her, trying not to sound impatient. She didn’t want to bear grudges, or be around anyone who did, because such things were going to serve no purpose now. They needed to move on, to embrace this new phase with open and thankful hearts, and an unshakable determination to put all negative and destructive feelings of bitterness or vengeance behind them. It was what Lauren would want, she felt sure of it. It was what she wanted too.

  Phyllis nodded. ‘Yes, of course it was,’ she agreed. ‘How long is he staying for?’

  ‘I thought I’d give them another ten minutes, or until we’ve finished this tea. It’ll be enough for today. He can always come back tomorrow, if he’s free. And if he wants to.’

  Regarding Emma’s worried face, Phyllis said, ‘You’re thinking her inability to speak yet, or move on her own is going to put him off?’

  ‘It might, which would be a pity when she’s obviously taken a bit of a shine to him, but better now than later, I suppose, considering what he’s facing. We’ve no idea how much longer he’s going to be able to visit. In the meantime, Donna’s asking if she can come at the weekend, and I have to work out a way of letting her down without hurting her feelings.’

  Phyllis swirled the teapot around. ‘You’re still determined she shouldn’t come?’

  ‘Aren’t you?’

  ‘Of course, I just thought you might change your mind. They’ve known each other for most of their lives.’

  Emma looked down at her cup. ‘At the moment Lauren’s saying that the name Donna doesn’t mean anything to her, but seeing her could change that and set off the kind of memories we’d really prefer to stay lost.’

  ‘I’m not going to disagree with that,’ Phyllis commented, starting to pour, ‘and I’m sure Donna’s mother will understand if you explain it to her. It might be easier than trying to talk to the girl yourself.’

  ‘You could be right,’ Emma responded, though not much relishing the thought of speaking to Ruth Corrigan either.

  Setting down the pot, Phyllis took a sip of tea and asked, ‘So what did this morning’s circus of medical practitioners have to say for themselves?’

  Emma’s smile was distant. ‘Much the same as yesterday, but I definitely got the impression that they want Lauren out of the ward and into some sort of rehabilitation facility as soon as possible.’

  Phyllis sighed. ‘And still no news from the PCT about whether they’ll fund her going to the centre here?’

  Emma shook her head. ‘Dr Hanson’s chasing it up, apparently, so we have to keep our fingers crossed. She lifted her hand just now.’

  Phyllis beamed with amazement. ‘She hasn’t done that before. What prompted it?’

  ‘Oliver, I think. I’m not sure whether she was trying to touch him, or what it was about, but at least we know that some more of her muscles are starting to work ... We’ve come a long way already.’

  ‘Indeed,’ Phyllis murmured. ‘Before we know it, she’ll be skipping down the garden path and calling for her flute or guitar like nothing had ever happened at all.’

  Emma loved the image, and savoured it for a few moments, before the consultant’s voice of caution drove her to say, ‘Remember, we have to prepare ourselves for the fact that it probably isn’t going to happen that way.’

  Phyllis put down her cup and gave a small but determined sigh. ‘Perhaps not, but I think we have to try to keep as positive as we were before she came round, don’t you?’

  Emma wasn’t going to disagree with that. ‘For some reason I’m not doing such a great job of it at the moment,’ she confessed. ‘I get these great highs, but then ... I think it could be the way Will’s behaving that’s getting to me. It’s almost like he doesn’t want her to get well, and yet I know that can’t be true.’

  ‘The bottom line?’ Phyllis invited.

  Emma nodded.

  ‘That man can’t handle the thought of having a daughter who might be disabled. I don’t know if that’s because he feels as though it will in some way reflect on him; or if he simply doesn’t have what it takes to deal with the fact that his dreams for her have been derailed.’

  ‘None of us wants to see her disabled, mentally or physically, but do you see us trying to hide from it?’

  ‘No, but we’re made of stronger stuff. If you think about it, he’s never had much of a backbone.’

  Emma
’s eyes widened in surprise.

  Phyllis waved a dismissive hand. ‘He’s a very likeable chap, there’s no doubt about that, at least when he wants to be, but frankly I’ve always thought you were wasted on him. I couldn’t have said so back when you first met him, obviously, it was the last thing you’d have wanted to hear then, especially from me, so I did my best to get along with him.’

  ‘And succeeded.’

  ‘To a point where I apparently made you feel shut out again, but I can assure you it wasn’t intentional.’

  Emma shook her head in dismay. ‘I’ve misread a lot of things about you over the years, haven’t I?’

  ‘Possibly, probably, but it often happens between a parent and child, especially if the parent’s as mixed up and uncommunicative as I was. I’d like to think that from here on we’re going to work a bit harder at understanding one another. I know I’m certainly going to try.’

  Emma’s eyes softened. ‘So am I,’ she assured her.

  Phyllis smiled. ‘That’s good, because the way things are going I think you’re going to need me around quite a lot for the foreseeable future, which brings me very neatly to something Mrs Dempster mentioned earlier. Apparently her next-door neighbours are going to Australia for a year to try it out before making the big commitment, so their house is going to be up for rent starting from the beginning of June.’

  Emma was puzzled.

  ‘I think I should take it,’ Phyllis explained. ‘Your house isn’t big enough for all three of us once Lauren comes home, and I can hardly commute between my place and yours, it’s much too far. So, if I put mine up for rent and take the one next to Mrs Dempster, that shouldn’t only work out for me helping you with Lauren, but it should also allow you to take the job at the hotel.’

  Emma could only blink; she hadn’t seen this coming at all.