How to Bake a New Beginning

by Lucy Knott

  Her grandpa was gone, and she couldn’t bring him back. The whirlwind of emotions swirling around in her brain had destroyed her organized mind. Logistics had been thrown out the window. How could she bring him back? That’s the only plan she wanted to figure out.

  ‘She is sitting upstairs with him now. We wanted to give her a minute to pray by his side. And …’ Dad paused. ‘We wanted to tell you first and ask you if you wanted to see him. I’m sorry it’s not nice to have walked in here and found out like this but there didn’t exactly seem like a perfect moment or time. We wanted to give you the option before he was taken away.’

  Sabrina didn’t want her grandpa to be taken away. Her breath caught at the thought. She wanted to see his smiling face and hear him talk about what he had learnt from the TV that day. ‘I don’t want him to go anywhere,’ she said, collapsing to the floor, her shoulders bouncing up and down as she sobbed uncontrollably. Mum reached over to her and embraced her, trying to ease the pain.

  ‘I know, honey, I know – you don’t have to see him if it’s too much. You keep hold of the memory of his smiling, cheeky face,’ Mum said, smoothing a hand over Sabrina’s hair.

  ‘I’d like to see him, if that’s OK?’ Louisa said. ‘But in a minute.’ Sabrina watched Louisa wrap her arms around herself, not knowing quite what to do or where to look. Her baby sister was brave. She wanted to see her grandpa herself, but she didn’t think she had it in her to see him in his current state.

  ‘Whenever you’re ready,’ Dad replied, taking her in his arms, unable to bear seeing his children look so distraught. ‘If you all decide you’d like to, we can go up together.’

  ***

  Amanda couldn’t move. Even though she wanted to see her grandpa, she wasn’t sure she physically could. Her body felt weak; she felt sick to her stomach. What felt like hours passed by before, one by one, everyone stood up. Amanda watched them. No one was rushing her or forcing her to go, but in her heart she knew she wanted to see him and say goodbye.

  It took all that she had within her to pull herself together and stand up. Her legs felt like lead. They were heavy and painful, causing her feet to shuffle across the carpet as she grabbed hold of Louisa’s hand. Silent tears were rolling down everyone’s cheeks as, hand in hand, they made their way to the stairs.

  As the top of the landing came into sight, fear enveloped Amanda. Louisa gripped her hand tighter as they stepped back to let Mum and Dad go first. Amanda entered her grandparents’ room. Her eyes grew cloudy as tears prickled her eyelashes when she caught sight of Grandpa lying in his bed. He looked peaceful, like he was sleeping, all wrapped up in his blanket.

  Sabrina sat on the edge of the bed next to their nanna, who was sat in her chair by Grandpa’s side. Mum and Dad stood each with a hand on Sabrina’s shoulders. Amanda couldn’t let go of Louisa’s hand. Her mind raced with images of Grandpa sitting up, turning to them all and saying hello. She might have been an adult, but in that moment she didn’t understand anything. She felt powerless. Why couldn’t she wake him?

  With all the strength she could muster Amanda walked over to Nanna and hugged her tight before walking over to the bed to kiss Grandpa gently on his cold head. She whispered the words: ‘Thank you for everything,’ while her heart shattered into a million pieces. Her body began trembling as tears erupted from her, loud and aggressively. The pain was too much.

  Mum grasped her tightly as Sabrina and Louisa followed suit, kissing Grandpa and stroking his forehead. When they were done, the three girls turned and fled from the room. It was too much seeing their dearest grandpa like this and they wanted to allow for Nanna and Mum to have some time with him too.

  Amanda re-entered the cold living room and sat huddled up on the corner of the couch closest to the fireplace. She loved sitting by the fire. It brought with it so much warmth and comfort and memories of Grandpa telling stories as she and her sisters nibbled on Italy’s finest cakes. She let the memories play out in her mind, like a highlight reel, for a while.

  ***

  The club was quaint, dark and dingy. Amanda felt it wouldn’t go amiss along the colourful San Francisco streets. Her black and gold buckled boots stuck to the floor with every odd step she took. She made her way to the front row and rested her elbows on the stage. When she saw the microphone stand a flurry of butterflies let loose in her stomach.

  She looked to the clock. In ten minutes’ time her very best friend, whom she hadn’t seen in eight months, would be gracing the stage. She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face, making her ears blush. Suddenly feeling hot in her giant teddy bear coat, she unzipped herself and placed her coat between her and the stage edge.

  She looked around noticing the small room was now packed and as people edged up closer to her, the hotter it got. Dan would have to forgive her sweaty state when she squeezed him to death after the show. Excitement bubbled in her. She couldn’t wait to see him – the man who had shown her around San Francisco and who was now on her home turf. Sabrina had set them up with a few gigs in Europe to test the markets and Amanda thought her sister a genius.

  ***

  ‘Oh my God, you guys were amazing,’ Amanda gushed at Levi, thumping him in the arm as he reached the spot where she was standing, in the now empty hall. He shoved her back softly before pulling her into a bear hug.

  ‘Look at you – you look gorgeous, as always. I’m so glad you could make it,’ he said, just about cracking one of her ribs in the process. James and Dylan had appeared next to him by the time he put her down.

  ‘Thanks, Levi. You guys look incredible too. It’s so good to see you,’ she said, hugging James and Dylan. ‘What do you think of home sweet home?’ she asked baring her pearly whites and waving her arms around the dimly lit room that housed a bar on one side. The barman had set up drinks for the boys and waved them over.

  ‘Well, we haven’t seen too much yet and we’re only here for a few days, but it looks pretty good so far,’ James replied, leading the way to the bar and the drinks. He picked up the one tall glass of red wine and handed it to Amanda before passing out the beers to the boys. She took her glass gratefully, smiling that the guys had thought to inform the barman of her drink.

  ‘We’d best make the most of the next few days then,’ she said. ‘I don’t care that you are big fancy rock stars now, I’m going to need you all to myself,’ she added with a playful grin.

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ came a warm raspy voice from behind her. Her grin grew wider and Amanda winked at Levi before turning to face Dan.

  ‘Ooh, aren’t the lead singers supposed to be the worst of the pack? So much ego with being front and centre all the time. Not all places in Manchester are built for such royalty, and boys …’ Amanda cocked her head back to glance at the rest of the band before locking eyes with Dan once more ‘… do you really think I can take this wild and crazy rock star home to meet my parents?’

  She heard Levi, James and Dylan crack up behind her. Dan’s eyes twinkled under the low lights. She watched as his lips turned up into a cheeky smirk. He walked towards her with ease and calm, took the wineglass out of her hand and placed it back on the bar. Amanda stood watching his movements, chewing her bottom lip. She was trying not to crack up with laughter like the others, but she felt deliriously happy.

  Just as she was about to open her mouth and tease Dan some more, he grabbed her around the waist, wrapping her up in his Versace scent, wet hair and solid frame. Amanda breathed him in. She couldn’t put a finger on what it was about this man, but he made her feel safe and like she could be her true self with him. Though she had been speaking to him via social networks since she left San Francisco, being in his presence again felt terribly good.

  ‘All right, all right,’ Amanda started, trying to push herself out of Dan’s strong grip, ‘always trying to be centre of attention.’ She smirked, then turned to pick up her wineglass and take a sip. ‘It’s nice to see you.’ She looked at Dan, who hadn’t taken his eyes off her
.

  ‘Baby girl, it’s a lot more than “nice” to see you,’ he said, giving her his slow smile and collecting his own beer from the bar.

  Dylan and James were now chatting amongst themselves. Levi, Amanda noticed, still had an eye trained on Dan, while also keeping up with what the others were discussing. She chuckled to herself how these boys knew each other like the backs of their hands. Dan was always watching over Levi, Levi always watching over Dan. They had that protective bond that came with being best friends since the age of three. They knew what was going on in each other’s lives, always. Levi had let Amanda in, but she was conscious of not stepping on his toes when it came to Dan. He was Levi’s best friend first and foremost.

  ‘You are right – it’s pretty fantastic to see you,’ she said, taking another sip of her wine and falling into conversation with Dan seamlessly, chatting about everything and nothing.

  ***

  Amanda didn’t know why she felt nervous, but the palms of her hands were sweaty, and she had to blink back the dizziness as she looked at Dan and then turned the handle on her nanna and grandpa’s front door. Her family knew all about Dan. She had told them about him when she returned from San Francisco and they had occasionally popped on to Skype and waved a cheery hello to him, so it wasn’t like they were all complete strangers.

  And really, it wasn’t a huge deal for them to like him. He was simply a friend, and with him living halfway across the world, it wasn’t like they had to see him all the time or put up with him and Amanda’s wild and crazy antics. She wasn’t a teenager any more either. Yet, her pulse was thumping rather loudly at being mere moments away from Grandpa meeting Dan in person.

  The chatter in the living room drew closer but once Dan and Amanda came into view, the voices hushed. Louisa’s jaw dropped at the sight of him, which caused Amanda to laugh and her shoulders to drop slightly. Mum jumped up to greet him and instantly enveloped Dan in a hug. Dad stood tall, reaching out a hand in a very British hello.

  Watching Nanna struggle to get up as fast as everyone else, Dan stepped over to her chair, leant down to her and gave a her a big hug and a kiss on the forehead while uttering the words ‘Ciao, bella.’ By this time Grandpa was standing and as Dan straightened up, both men came face to face. Grandpa’s eyes sparkled bright blue and his cheeks dimpled with a smile. They both stuck out a hand before stepping forward and embracing each other in a hug.

  Amanda watched in awe before scooping up a biscotti from the table and plonking herself down on Nanna’s armrest, as she allowed complete happiness to wash over her.

  Three hours later, she was walking with Dan back to her house. It was a fair walk from her grandparents’ house to her own but certainly doable. And this evening the fresh air was welcome. As Amanda breathed it in, she felt the pain of previous heartbreak lifting. There had been no tension and no awkwardness in Dan visiting her family. There had been no uneasy silences, no uninterested pauses, no yawning as Grandpa asked question after question or rattled off joke after joke. There had been none of that. In its place had been a natural stream of conversation, merry laughter and Amanda wasn’t entirely sure who had asked more questions: Grandpa or Dan.

  ‘Well, you’ve ruined me,’ she said to Dan, as they walked side by side down the cobbled street.

  ‘How so?’ Dan questioned, giving her a sideways glance. Amanda could see a hint of a smile playing at his lips, as they passed under a streetlamp.

  ‘Well, my next boyfriend is going to have to be Superman, like actually Superman,’ she said then paused, looking back up to Dan, who she noticed was now full-on smiling. ‘Why are you smiling? Are you about to tell me you are in fact Superman? Great, there’s no hope for me now then. I mean, Batman is no match for Superman. I guess I would be fine with Captain America. You couldn’t tell Sabrina and Louisa though – they have dibs on Chris Evans.’

  She was aware she had started to ramble, but it felt good to be able to talk with no filter. In fact, it felt amazing. Tonight, had been a dream. After her last boyfriend, and his not so embracing attitude towards her family, tonight had felt truly special. Granted Dan was not her boyfriend but watching him with her family made her realize what she wanted, and she suddenly felt more confident in not settling for less.

  ‘I’m pretty sure Superman can’t just go around telling people he’s Superman, baby girl,’ Dan said, winking at her as they made their way to her front door.

  Amanda searched his eyes before rummaging around her bag in search of her keys. ‘Oh, my goodness, you are Superman – I knew it,’ she muttered under her breath, making Dan laugh. They stepped inside, and Amanda immediately busied herself in the kitchen turning on the kettle, as Dan took off his shoes and wandered over to the CD player. ‘Well, Superman, if you could be so kind, next time you bump into Thor or Captain America can you put in a good word for me? I know you’re all on opposite teams but Batman does nothing for me and God of Thunder sounds incredibly manly,’ she shouted from the kitchen.

  ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ Dan said, as she joined him in the living room with a tray of tea and more biscuits, this time a classic British selection. There was no beating Italian cookies and cakes, but Amanda felt Dan needed the full British experience while he was in England too. He couldn’t possibly leave without having tried a custard cream or jammie dodger. ‘Grandpa is rather brilliant,’ Dan said, as he reached for a blanket and draped it over Amanda’s feet that were curled up close to his thighs.

  Amanda took a sip of tea and wriggled her toes in thank you. ‘I think so too,’ she replied, ‘and I think Levi might have to be careful. It looked like Grandpa might want to steal his best friend.’ She laughed.

  ‘I don’t think Levi would mind – he could probably do with a break from me every once in a while.’ Dan shrugged, picking up his own cup of tea. Amanda watched him closely, taking in his floppy hair and broad chest. He definitely fit the Superman build.

  ‘Is that another one of Superman’s magical powers? That he can impress and fit in with any family seamlessly?’ Amanda asked, her tone a little less playful now and more serious.

  ‘I don’t think Superman would need to rely on magic when the family is so warm and inviting and feels like his own. There’s no need to put on airs and try to impress when everyone is able to relax and be themselves,’ Dan said, his voice soothing and now, too, more serious, having noted Amanda’s need to talk and get her thoughts out.

  ‘See, I want that, Dan. I want a boyfriend who can do all that you just did. Why is that so difficult to come by? It was like pulling teeth with Jason. He barely said a word to Grandpa, couldn’t eat a biscotti if his life depended on it, just to see Nanna happy – no, he couldn’t do any of it, couldn’t deal with the language barrier. It bored him.’ She was fiddling with the blanket now, flicking dustings of crumbs onto the carpet.

  ‘Hey, baby girl, it’s OK. Some men don’t realize a good thing when it’s in front of them. They’re too wrapped up in themselves to see what’s before their eyes. Your grandpa is a wealth of knowledge. Talking to him is fascinating. Your dad is a role model for any man and your nanna and mum are angels. Louisa too, she’s beautiful,’ Dan said, leaning forward and tousling her hair. ‘And Jason was a jerk – it’s not your fault. These are simply things we experience in order to understand ourselves better, to know what we want and what we don’t want. They help build our character. Look at how much you have grown since you broke up.’

  Amanda finished her last sip of tea, allowing herself time to accept Dan’s words. ‘You’re right, as always,’ she said, snuggling further down into the blanket and resting her legs across Dan’s. ‘It’s just sometimes so hard to fathom that people can be so thoughtless and rude, but that’s my mistake and I’ve moved on.’

  ‘It’s not necessarily a mistake. We need those moments where our passions lead us down uncharted paths. It’s good for the soul to follow our wild side every now and again. Sometimes it can lead to beautiful things; other times not so
much. You should not be scared to do so,’ Dan said. Amanda noticed he was uncharacte‌ristically staring into his mug and not at her when he spoke.

  ‘I take it someone’s followed their wild side on more than one occasion?’ she asked with a hint of playfulness back in her tone, yet Dan didn’t look up. Amanda’s brow furrowed. ‘Or, someone has been too scared to follow his passion?’ she questioned, a little unsure of herself. It wasn’t like Dan to be scared. She watched as he quietly placed his mug on the table and picked up a jammie dodger.

  ‘Bit of an odd name for a biscuit huh?’ he replied, with a wink, before taking a bite. ‘It’s pretty good though,’ he added. Amanda felt a little taken aback by Dan’s lack of communication. They didn’t keep secrets; they told each other everything, or at least that’s what she thought, but Dan feared something, and he clearly didn’t want to open up about what it was.

  However, Amanda knew all too well that asking questions wouldn’t help. He would come to her when he wanted, and she would be there for him, like he always was for her. Wrapped up in her cosy blanket and the tea having made her body nice and warm, she decided to change the subject, knowing Dan would appreciate it.

  ‘So, what did you and Grandpa get to talking about?’ Amanda queried, unable to stop herself. ‘Don’t think I didn’t notice you disappear off into the garden for a good thirty minutes.’ She nudged Dan’s thigh with her toes.

  ‘Ah, I see, you can’t bear to be without me for more than ten minutes, can you?’ Dan said, as he casually brushed a hand through his hair and leant back into the settee. Amanda simply stuck her tongue out in jest, coming up with nothing to argue the fact. ‘That’s for me to know and for you to find out,’ Dan finished, as he surveyed the plate of biscuits. This time he chose a chocolate bourbon, which made Amanda smile – that was her favourite.

  ‘What are we? Five?’ She chuckled, helping herself to another chocolate bourbon. As she took a bite, Dan tickled her feet, causing her to shoot up on the settee, waving her hands frantically to get him to stop. Her bourbon biscuit was sent flying across the room. ‘Dan,’ she yelled, ‘don’t do that,’ but Dan didn’t seem to hear her. Her usually sophisticated friend had turned into a five-year-old in a matter of minutes and she was no match for his thick legs and strong arms.