Straightjacket

by Meredith Towbin

  A tap on his shoulder brought him back. He jerked up to see Carlene hunched over him, her chubby hands on her hips.

  “Listen here, you stay away from her.” She nodded toward the door.

  Caleb yanked his ear buds out and strained to look around Carlene’s body, wincing from the pain in his side. Anna stood at the entrance to the common area, having just walked in.

  “Doctor’s orders,” Carlene added. She shook her finger and shuffled away.

  Caleb let the pastels that had been balanced on his drawing pad roll off onto the floor. As soon as he saw her bruised face and her arm in the sling, his worry turned to anguish. He stood up, ready to run over to her and scoop her up in spite of the pain in his side, but Carlene heard him move and turned around. She put her hands back on her hips and shifted her weight to one foot, glaring at him through narrowed eyes.

  “And what did I just tell you?” she yelled. “Sit back down! Don’t you be making any trouble. You leave that girl alone.”

  “I didn’t do anything,” he said calmly and slowly, trying to keep his temper under control. “There’s no reason I can’t go over to her.”

  “Oh, yes there is.” Carlene cocked her head to one side. “His name is Dr. Blackwell. Now sit down or you’ll end up back in isolation.”

  Caleb stood his ground. Something invisible that he couldn’t put into words was pulling him toward Anna, no matter where she was or how much he told himself he needed to resist it. He’d rather be in the same room with her, forbidden to speak, than away from her where the pain would grow so overwhelming that he couldn’t breathe. He slinked back down into his seat.

  “Thatta boy.” Carlene rolled her eyes and retreated to the corner of the common area to keep watch.

  Anna hadn’t moved from her spot. She tried to smile, but all he noticed was her bruised face and the sling. He couldn’t stand seeing her hurt like that. The urge to keep her safe and near was crushing him, but he sat frozen, just staring. She took a seat across the room and opened a book he hadn’t noticed she’d been holding. It was difficult for her to find her page using one hand, but she managed and began to read. His eyes stayed on her, and every few minutes she’d look up at him.

  He picked his pastels up off the floor and sat poised to draw, but didn’t. His muscles tensed and he started to feel hot. He had to cut the anger off, prevent himself from doing anything to provoke Carlene. But the injustice was almost unbearable. Anna sat just a few feet away. Who were these people to keep them apart? He let the pastel he’d been griping in his hand drop. The color had imprinted itself into the creases of his fingers.

  A low, painful moaning caught his attention. The source was an older, heavyset woman who had leaned her forehead against the window. Her fingers tried to squeeze through the tiny mesh holes. She started to bang her head rhythmically and the mesh vibrated in response to each dull thump. The swishing of fabric rubbing against fabric announced Carlene’s approach.

  “Sweetie, what’s the matter?” Carlene laid her hand on the woman’s back.

  The woman responded by banging her head even harder.

  “I’m gonna die,” she moaned. “I’m gonna die. I gotta get outta here or the devils are gonna find me.”

  “Just calm down.” Carlene tried to pull the woman’s fingers out of the mesh.

  “No, no,” the woman moaned again, this time louder. “Just let me get through here. I’m gonna die.”

  “Come on now, no one is gonna die.” Carlene bit her lower lip and tried even harder to pull her hands off the mesh.

  This time, the woman swung around and started screeching.

  “The devils are gonna get me! I gotta get outside! The angels can’t find me in here!” She tried to shake Carlene off and turn back around. Once she managed to get free, she started shaking the mesh violently, trying to pull the entire covering off the window.

  Carlene stepped back and swished out of the room, looking for help. “Seven kinds of crazy,” she mumbled to herself.

  “Those devils won’t get me!” the woman yelped as the sound of metal shaking filled the room. “I’m here! Angels, I’m here!” she screamed.

  Anna stared wide-eyed at what was happening. Caleb positioned himself so that he stood between Anna and the woman, cutting off Anna’s view of her. The woman saw him move, and she turned her body to face him.

  “You—you can help me, I know you can! You’re an angel, aren’t you? You came for me! Get me out of here, before the devils find me! Please!” She shook her fists wildly as she pleaded with him. He stood perfectly still, ready to act if she moved even an inch in Anna’s direction.

  Two of the Bouncers ran into the room, one carrying a syringe. Carlene followed them, panting.

  “Okay, settle down,” one of them said. The other got behind her and squeezed her hands behind her back. He drove the syringe hard into her right buttock, like he was poking a piece of meat with a skewer. The woman became even more enraged, fighting the two as viciously as she could.

  “Why don’t you help me?” she asked Caleb, her face twisted in confusion. “Take me before it’s too late!”

  Caleb backed up toward Anna. Each of the Bouncers grabbed one of the woman’s arms and dragged her across the floor toward the door. She flailed wildly and managed to bite one of the men’s arms.

  “Damn!” He gripped her even more tightly. The two finally got her out the door, and the wailing grew fainter and fainter.

  Anna did not look well. She leaned forward, her elbow perched on one of her knees, with her hand covering her face. The book lay open on the floor beside her. Some of the pages had folded unnaturally when she’d dropped it. He wanted more than anything to go over and pick up the book for her, smooth the wrinkles out of the pages, pull her hand gently away from her face, and place the book carefully on her lap. But he stood where he was, the unseen but very present pressure holding him to his spot. After a few moments she allowed her hand to slide off of her face and reach down to pick up the book. The pages trembled. She balanced the book on her lap and held her own hands, trying to steady herself. It was only then that she searched out Caleb.

  “Are you okay?” he mouthed to her, which she answered with a single nod. She was lying. Her hands were still shaking. Yet she went back to her book, resting her chin in her hand, and didn’t look up at him again.

  Caleb had forced himself to sit back down and pretend to draw, but every few minutes he’d check on Anna. As time passed, he grew more concerned. She wouldn’t return his glance. She just sat and read, sometimes with her head down as the book lay on her lap, other times holding the book up in front of her face, cutting off his view.

  What had made her change like this? Had the woman freaked her out about him when she’d called him an angel? Maybe her parents had come to see her again when she was in the hospital. What could they have done to her? Were they pulling her back in? Did they poison her against him, somehow? Or maybe Dr. Blackwell told her something bad about him. He wanted to damn everyone who wasn’t Anna to hell. He wouldn’t let any of them defile what was burgeoning between them.

  Caleb flipped the page he’d been working on over and smoothed out a clean sheet. He grabbed his blue pastel and began to write. The words came easily, and he didn’t write much. When he was finished, he ripped the page out of the drawing pad and folded it in half, pressing his finger against the fold to form a sharp crease. He took a quick survey of the common area. Carlene was wiping the drool from a man’s mouth. Another attendant was flipping through the channels on the television. Caleb rose from his chair and walked over to Anna. She offered him a blank stare, and he let the paper fall gently onto her book before he left the room.

  Chapter Twelve

  Anna watched Caleb walk out the door. He’d surprised her when she found him standing over her. She had wanted to say something, but those few seconds had left her stunned and silent. As relieved as she was to see that he was all right, despite a few bruises, more than anything, she was hum
iliated. She’d had a full-blown panic attack, and he had seen it. Outbursts like the one she’d just watched were common here. She had hoped that after seeing enough of them they’d barely even register. She wanted to imagine herself floating in an ocean, rising and falling vertically with the swell of each wave so that she remained essentially in the same spot. But Caleb had seen her shaken and dazed and losing her mind. She was too embarrassed to look at him afterward. She was weak, and she didn’t want him to see her so vulnerable.

  The folded paper rested on her open book. At first she thought it was a drawing, but when she unfolded it, she found a note. She took a quick look around the room, wondering if Carlene or any of the others had seen him hand it to her, but it had gone unnoticed. She read the fat, blue letters that he’d written with the pastel:

  Anna,

  I missed you so much I couldn’t stand it. I don’t ever want to be apart from you again. I’d do anything for you. Check out of here with me. You don’t have to worry about anything. I’ll take care of you. I love you. I wanted to say it out loud, but they won’t let me talk to you. I need you to be with me. Check out and come with me.

  Caleb

  Anna’s cheeks flushed violently, and without thinking, her free hand traveled up to her cheek to feel the heat from her bright red skin. She reread the note three more times, and with each read she felt her chest bulging, the ecstasy inside threatening to burst it wide open. When the initial shock of it was over, a fog settled over her mind that anesthetized every bad thing that had threatened to pull her apart a few minutes ago. Her instinct was to rush out of the room and find him, look at him, talk to him. But she knew she had to sit and think. It never occurred to her that running away with him was something that could happen in real life. Living in a world with Caleb, away from the madness of this place, these people, she wanted it so much she couldn’t bear to think of it not happening. She began fantasizing of what could actually be, and she worshipped every part of it.

  But reality found a tiny crack in her daydreams. It slithered in and settled into a corner, unnoticed at first. Then it began to grow slowly, wickedly, until it was a giant monstrosity, larger than anything else. Where they could go, what they’d use for money, how they would live in a world built for two, and, the most menacing thing of all, what her parents would do to her—all of it raced through her mind. The impossibility overwhelmed all of her senses. She might fall on the floor and crack into a million pieces if she didn’t do something at that very moment.

  She shot up and almost ran out of the common room, her usable hand holding the note so tightly that the paper crinkled in distress between her fingers. Once outside of the common area, she sprinted down the hallway to her room, which might somehow serve as her sanctuary. It was insane to think that the room could ever offer her safety, but she needed to be away from everyone so she could think.

  She sat at her desk, letting her head fall forward. She drove herself obsessively to find a way to make it work, and with every second that passed, she found that she hadn’t, causing her anxiety to reach a more dangerous level. She kept running scenarios through her mind, but the reality of their circumstances kept stabbing at her until she felt her heart was bleeding.

  After several minutes, she heard the clicking of footsteps and looked up to find Chrissy sauntering through the door in a low-cut camisole and another microskirt. She scrambled to hide the note, but the best she could do was crumple it up and cover it with her hand. Chrissy betrayed a look of curiosity that lasted barely a moment, raising her eyebrows suspiciously.

  “So you’re back. I wasn’t sure how long you’d be gone. Feeling okay? You look awful.”

  “I’m fine.” Anna was flustered, and she knew Chrissy had noticed. She searched desperately for a detail to hide what was simmering beneath her words. “My collarbone is broken, and I have to wear this sling for a few weeks. Other than that I’m okay.”

  Chrissy sat down on the bed, crossed her legs, and began gently swinging the foot that didn’t touch the floor. “So what happened, anyway?”

  “This guy thought I was his girlfriend or something and freaked out.” Anna kept her hand open and resting on top of the crumpled paper.

  “That’s crazy.” Chrissy made sure to pause. “I saw what Caleb did.” The sound of his name sent a shock through Anna’s body.

  “Yeah, so?”

  “What’s the deal with you two anyway?” Chrissy laid down on her side, planting her elbow into the mattress so she could prop her head up with her hand. She tensed her muscles and stretched herself out, her curves rising and falling down the long, lean length of her body. Anna looked down at her hand and pushed the note flatter.

  “What do you mean? There’s no deal.”

  “I thought you were his girlfriend or something.”

  Anna knew now that Chrissy’s words were meant to tempt her anger, which would help her glean information that could be useful to her.

  “Why would you think that?”

  “I’ve just heard things around the ward. Plus, he kept coming to your room while you were gone.” She let out an exaggerated sigh. “I could have had him, actually a few times, with you not being around, but he’s become too bizarre, even for me.”

  “Well, I don’t know anything about that,” Anna said flatly.

  “Are you sleeping with him?”

  “What?” Anna felt like she’d just been slapped.

  “It’s a simple question.” Chrissy waited. “Fine, don’t answer me. I was just wondering if he was any good,” she said with a wink.

  Anna was on the verge of attacking her. She hated herself for allowing Chrissy’s poison to seep in, effortlessly penetrating the barriers she had tried to erect over the last few minutes. The only way she could stop it was to say nothing.

  Chrissy skillfully adjusted her strategy without the slightest change in tone. “Just be careful. I mean, come on, he actually thinks he’s an angel.” Chrissy kept her eyes on Anna’s blank face, and then continued. “I remember when he got here. He wouldn’t talk to anyone. He sat around looking completely miserable, except for those crazy fits he has where he just sits there staring into space. I heard one time it lasted for three days. That’s when they started giving him the IV.” Anna’s face betrayed nothing. “Did you ever notice that he never gets any phone calls? No one ever visits him either. I don’t know what his deal is, but I bet you one of these days he finds an open window and tries to jump out to show everyone he can fly up to heaven.” She exposed her large, white teeth and allowed a shrill laugh to escape through them.

  “Shut up,” Anna said slowly.

  Chrissy relaxed her mouth.

  “You don’t know anything about him. Who are you to judge him? All you are—” Anna stopped abruptly. Chrissy couldn’t hide her amusement.

  After a few moments of silence, Chrissy sat up on the bed. “I’m sorry, Anna. I didn’t mean to upset you.” She twisted her hair into spirals around her finger. “He just seems crazier than the usual here, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I mean, even more than it has.” She motioned toward Anna’s arm resting in the sling. “Look, I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the day. Like I said, I don’t want to upset you. I’ll see you later.” She popped up off the bed and seemed to bounce out of the room.

  Anna was furious with Chrissy, but more so with herself. It was easy to see—Chrissy was motivated by jealousy. Caleb was the one guy she couldn’t get for herself, and she was taking revenge on Anna for it. She’s harmless after all. Or so she hoped.

  She turned her attention back to the note. Every time she read it, she had trouble breathing, especially the part where he wrote I love you. His devotion to her made her idolize him even more than before. She closed her eyes and pictured him standing in front of her. She could remember all of him so clearly, and she adored him. None of what Chrissy had said mattered. Those things were not a part of him the way the things she loved about him were.

  While her
mind was still flooded with him, she opened the desk drawer and pulled out a blank piece of paper and a pen. She smoothed the note he’d written her flat on the desk, and then she began to write on the blank sheet next to it. She chose her words carefully, explaining that she wanted to go away with him more than anything, but she’d been trying to figure out how it would work. They’d have no money, no place to stay, not even a car to take them away. Then her pen wrote the words my parents, and she stopped abruptly. She stared at the two words, and her fury rose hot and fast.

  “My parents,” she said out loud. She almost retched. The thoughts inundated her—they weren’t even here and they were still controlling her; they had no part in this but they were still telling her what to do. She dangled the half-written note up in front of her and crumpled it into a tight ball, throwing it brutally into the trash can below her. She took out another blank piece of paper and wrote only five words: Yes. I love you too.

  She was satisfied. She pushed the chair out from under her, walked out of the room and down the hallway. When she reached Caleb’s room, she peeked in hesitantly but found that he wasn’t inside. She slipped the note underneath the bed covers. As she did, she let her hand linger on the cool cotton sheets beneath the blanket, and she felt like electricity charged quietly through her. She took her time leaving, letting her eyes wander indulgently over the drawings and words that hung on the wall. Finally, she walked out of the room and returned to the common area.

  In her hurry, she’d forgotten about Caleb’s note sitting on her desk.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Caleb chose to sit down in the chair in Dr. Blackwell’s office. He never lay down on the leather couch during his therapy sessions, not wanting to give Dr. Blackwell the chance to sit assertively over him. The chair he was sitting in faced the wall of windows, and it had been days since he’d seen the sky uninterrupted by a pattern of tiny mesh squares. The sky looked massive and deep, and he let himself become hypnotized by the clouds rushing by. In the distance were dark gray clouds, fuzzy from the rain pouring out of them. The storm looked like it was moving closer, and he wanted it to come because he knew that afterward everything would be fresh again.