Star Sex

by Robert T. Jeschonek

  Strayhorn broke the kiss. "How do we market this? Earth as an interplanetary brothel?" His voice was heavy with sarcasm.

  "If it saves humanity, I'll turn tricks!" Blakey said from above.

  "Maybe they just like to watch," said Mahalia. "Performances, that is."

  "Earth. Porno capital of the galaxy," said Blakey.

  Mahalia shooed away a trio of flying yellow eyeballs. "Maybe we won't have to go that far. Maybe kissing's exciting enough for them."

  Dinah kept pecking Strayhorn on the lips so they wouldn't lose the crowd. (Also because she was making the most of the situation.) "What about a kind of singles resort?" she said between kisses. "Humans could teach aliens about the concept of love and then match them up to experience it."

  "I like it better than the brothel idea," said Mahalia.

  "I say stick with the porno," said Blakey.

  Strayhorn finished another kiss and nodded. "Try any and all of the above," he said. "Whatever it takes to trade for reverse global warming services--but start low and make the best deal you can."

  "Roger that." Blakey winked at Mahalia. "Play something romantic, wouldja?"

  "Will do." While wrestling with an alien's twitching feelers, Mahalia switched the fast bebop coming out of her music player to a slow number with a lot of sultry sax.

  Ben raised his arms and beamed at the alien mob. "Are you lonely, my friends? Do you want to be like them?" He gestured at Dinah and Strayhorn, who were locked in another kiss. "Would you give anything to discover the wonders of love?

  "Then step right up!" Ben pumped his fists in the air. "This is your lucky day--if you have the technology to reduce carbon dioxide emissions in a planetary atmosphere, that is!"

  *****

  "Hey," whispered Strayhorn. "Easy on the tongue."

  Dinah leaned back and stared at him. They'd been kissing for at least two hours straight, mouth to mouth in front of an audience of gaping aliens.

  So why was Strayhorn sounding shy all of a sudden?

  Maybe, thought Dinah, he felt self-conscious with all the aliens watching him. Maybe he was getting tired. Maybe he was just stressed out about this being his last chance for a deal to save humanity.

  Whatever the reason, Strayhorn didn't elaborate.

  "Okay," said Dinah.

  "Thanks," said Strayhorn, and then he licked his lips and leaned back in to resume kissing.

  Dinah gladly rejoined him, though the moment had sapped a little of her fun. Even as she savored the warmth and pressure of Strayhorn's mouth, she couldn't help worrying in the back of her mind about why he'd nixed her French kiss.

  *****

  "Thiiis being wants love," said Heavy, inflating his bald human face to speak to Team Earth. "He wants all the love he can get."

  Heavy twisted his eggplant body and wriggled his cilia at the alien who had just pushed out of the crowd behind him. The new alien, who was seven feet tall, looked like an inside-out centaur covered in rough, blood-red crust and black bristles.

  "His name iiis Ogog Lugofarloff," said Heavy. "Ogog wiiill buy the riights to all human love."

  "Let's talk price then," said Blakey. "Can Ogog reverse global warming on our homeworld?"

  Heavy rattled off a chain of rapid clacks and dings that sounded like an old manual typewriter in action. Ogog made the same kind of sounds back at him, mixed with the clomping of one black hoof on the floor.

  "No," Heavy said when it was over. "But he could reengiiineer your species to surviive the new cliimate."

  Ogog clattered and clomped again, ending with a decisive belch.

  "Here iiis an example of hiiis work." Heavy fluttered his head-capped cilia in Ogog's direction. "Ogog has reengiiineered hiiimself multiiiiple tiimes."

  Strayhorn broke the latest kiss and shot Blakey a glare that said it all.

  Blakey nodded and winked, then turned back to Heavy and Ogog. "Give us your contact information, Ogog buddy. We'll have to get back to you on that."

  *****

  After another hour of kissing while Blakey wheeled and dealed, Strayhorn pulled his lips back just enough to talk to Dinah. "I wonder what would happen if we switched with the others?"

  Dinah looked out at the crowd of gaping aliens. "Do you want to take the chance?"

  "No," said Strayhorn. "Not yet, anyway."

  Dinah smiled and touched his cheek. "Just relax, Alec. Relax and enjoy."

  Strayhorn scanned the babbling alien mob, then met Dinah's gaze and held it. He stared deep into her eyes, searching for something...and then his frown darkened.

  "Why did you kiss me the first time?" he said.

  Dinah shrugged. "To make you feel better."

  "That's it?" said Strayhorn. "That's the only reason?"

  Dinah hesitated, then decided to show her cards. "I wanted to," she said. "I've wanted to kiss you for a while now."

  "I see." Strayhorn's frown smoothed out into his standard unreadable stare.

  "Aren't you glad I did?" Dinah chuckled and rubbed noses with him. "Nobody came to our booth until I kissed you."

  "Sure," said Strayhorn.

  "In fact," said Dinah, "it might turn out to be the kiss that saves humanity, right?"

  "Right," said Strayhorn.

  "I'll bet they'll even make a movie about it someday." Dinah leaned close, brushing her lips against his. "A real love story."

  And then she kissed him again, heart soaring with heat and delight like a butterfly or a dream.

  *****

  "III have another customer for you," said Heavy. "She assures me she has the technical capabiiiliiitiies to reverse your homeworld's global warmiiing."

  Dinah looked up in mid-kiss to see the gray blob from the silver bowl in the booth next-door bobbing in midair beside Heavy.

  "Her name iiis Melliiicloriiis Myopa Quozahnna Non Zadacta." Heavy flicked his cilia in the blob's direction and made his human face smile. "She iiis empress of the Zlatyr Realm. The green fluiiid she iiis secreting means she iiis about to giiive biiirth."

  "Tell her highness congratulations," Blakey told Heavy. "Ask her how we can be of service."

  "Ask her yourself," said Heavy. "She iiis quiite capable of understandiiing your language."

  Blakey smiled at the gray blob as it hovered and dripped green fluid. "That's great. So how can we help you?"

  "Melliiicloriiis wiiishes to buy all love," said Heavy, "and destroy iiit."

  "Destroy it?" said Blakey.

  "So she can market a cheaper, inferior substiiitute," said Heavy.

  "Of course." Blakey glanced at Strayhorn but didn't seem to feel the need to wait for his advice. "Contact information, please. We'll have to get back to you on that."

  *****

  After another hour of kissing, Strayhorn pulled away from Dinah and rubbed his jaw. "I can't keep this up," he said. "We need to switch personnel."

  "I know what you mean." Dinah's lips were sore, and her jaw ached--not that she intended to stop the kissathon anytime soon. "I think we'll be okay if we just take a break for a minute."

  "No," said Strayhorn. "It's time to switch." He started to get up from his chair.

  "Really," said Dinah. "I'll be fine."

  "You don't understand," said Strayhorn. "We need to switch."

  Just then, Blakey let out a loud whoop. "We have a winnah!"

  "Yay!" Mahalia grinned and applauded. "This is it, Captain! We found the real deal!"

  Dinah had missed the latest flurry of negotiations. She looked over to see Blakey shaking the tentacle of a seven-foot-tall orange-furred squid-thing. "What is it?" she said. "What's the deal?"

  "Kioska here will fix Earth's atmosphere." Blakey patted the orange squid's rubbery spear-point head. "He'll even terraform the planet to reverse the global warming damage to the ecosystem!"

  Strayhorn walked around the table to Blakey and Kioska. "What'll it cost us?"

  "You're gonna love this." Blakey threw an arm around Strayhorn's shoulders. "How would you like t
o be the first man to set foot on an alien planet?"

  *****

  Two weeks later, Dinah blinked as light flooded the darkened stage where she and Strayhorn sat. She found herself gazing out at a huge crowd of orange-furred squid people, packed into a vast, upside-down theater.

  Thousands of squid dangled by their tentacles from rungs in the ceiling. Each squid had one giant eye, blood-red and unblinking, fixed on Dinah and Strayhorn.

  A chill rippled up Dinah's back as she felt their eyes upon her. Yet again, she marveled at where she was, so far from home, on an alien world that no human being before her had ever visited.

  Kioska had led them here, to his homeworld, from the space station. It was here that the humans would hold up their end of the deal and earn salvation for dying Mother Earth.

  Suddenly, a familiar figure tumbled onto the stage--eggplant-shaped Heavy, Team Earth's self-appointed manager. Stopping in the middle of the stage, he inflated an orange-furred squid face on one of his cilia and turned it to the crowd. While Heavy unleashed a stream of wild squeaks for the audience, he puffed up a human face behind him and translated his words through it for Dinah and Strayhorn.

  "Love!" said Heavy. "The new sensation! The most iiincrediiible experiience iiin the galaxy!"

  The crowd responded with a deafening blast of whistles and squeals.

  "Are you ready to liiive the dream?" said Heavy. "Are you ready for love?"

  The squid things squealed louder. They swung back and forth on their rungs and smacked their bodies against each other with abandon.

  "Then let the love begiiin!" As the noise and motion of the crowd reached a wild pitch, Heavy hurtled off the stage, leaving Dinah and Strayhorn alone in the spotlight.

  Backstage, Mahalia switched on her music player, which she'd tuned to broadcast through the theater's sound system. This time, instead of jazz, it played an opera piece--the Flower Duet from Lakmé, a sweet, soaring blend of two winding soprano voices.

  That was Dinah and Strayhorn's cue. Smiling, Dinah leaned across the padded bench on which they sat. She slipped a hand behind Strayhorn's head, combing her fingers through his thick, dark hair, and pulled him close.

  Their eyes met, and then their lips did, too.

  They hadn't kissed since the end of the Worlds' Fair two weeks ago, and Dinah craved him. Returning to his lips felt like a fabulous culmination, an unimaginably perfect consummation. Every nerve in her lips flared with extraordinary sensitivity, magnifying every millimeter and millisecond of radiant contact between them.

  Her pulse quickened, and her body warmed. Closing her eyes, she immersed herself in the building passion, the thrill of love on a grand scale, of legendary, history-making love.

  Dinah was so caught up in the experience that at first, she didn't notice the change in the crowd. It took a few moments for the rising commotion to penetrate her romantic haze, to make her realize that the balance of the beautiful, dreamlike tide was shifting.

  Opening her eyes, Dinah saw that the squid-people were jumping and bumping in the rafters. A growing racket rang out through the theater, a din of the shrillest,

  highest-pitched squeals and whistles she'd yet heard from the orange-furred creatures.

  As it got worse, drowning out the opera soundtrack, Dinah exchanged a look with Strayhorn. His typically blank expression had switched to one of fierce, alert intensity.

  "What's happening?" said Dinah. "What do they want?"

  Suddenly, Heavy jetted across the stage and jolted to a stop beside her. "What's goiiing on here?" he said with his bald human face.

  "You tell us!" said Dinah.

  "What are they saying?" said Strayhorn.

  "'We want love!'" Heavy spun in a circle, every one of his heads and cilia quivering with agitation. "That's what they're sayiiing! They want love!"

  The uproar from the crowd was so loud, Dinah had to shout to make herself heard. "I don't understand! We were giving them love!"

  "Not liike before! Now try harder!" With that, Heavy whipped around and flashed offstage, leaving Dinah and Strayhorn alone.

  As the crowd noise rose, Dinah gazed out at the hordes of orange-furred squid. "I guess we've got a tougher audience here," she said. "Necking isn't enough."

  "We need to get out of here," said Strayhorn. "If they rush the stage, we're dead."

  "No!" said Dinah. "Earth's depending on us!"

  With that, she started unbuttoning her top.

  "What are you doing?" said Strayhorn.

  Dinah slid her arms from the sleeves of her blouse and tossed it to the stage. "What does it look like I'm doing?" With a shrug, she pressed closer to him, reaching for the buttons of his shirt. "If they want more, let's give them more."

  Strayhorn grabbed her wrist, and Dinah pushed herself forward. With her free hand, she tore his shirt all the way open, then snaked an arm around his back and yanked him toward her.

  "I say let's give them their money's worth," said Dinah, right before she lunged in for a ravenous, grinding kiss.

  Strayhorn didn't get into the spirit of things at all, but Dinah kept working on him. She was convinced she could bring him around, especially once the squid-people started to settle down.

  The problem was, instead of settling down, the squid-people grew more agitated. The clamor in the theater got worse with each passing second.

  Dinah heard what sounded like falling bodies hitting the floor. When she looked out at the crowd, she saw squid dropping from the ceiling by the hundreds, bouncing to a landing on the theater floor on spring-loaded tentacles.

  As soon as they landed, the squid started hopping toward the stage.

  Yet again, Heavy zipped into the spotlight, spinning and quivering. "What iiis wrong with you two? They want love! Giiive them love love love!"

  As Heavy darted away, Dinah shoved Strayhorn onto his back and pounced. Straddling his hips, she set to work undoing his pants while he gaped up at her in shock.

  "I guess we have to take this all the way," said Dinah.

  "No!" said Strayhorn. "Don't!"

  "Give it everything you've got," said Dinah. "Remember, the future of humanity is riding on it!"

  Before she could go any further, Strayhorn suddenly sat up and pushed her away. "I said no!"

  Dinah fell back and rolled off the bench. She winced and cried out as she hit the hard floor of the stage on her side.

  "Hey!" she said. "What was that for?"

  "Even if we weren't about to be swarmed by alien squid-people," said Strayhorn, gesturing at the approaching audience, "I can't make love to you! I'm in love with someone else!"

  "What?" Dinah leaped to her feet. "Who?"

  "Look." Strayhorn pointed behind her, into the backstage wings. "That's who."

  Dinah turned and saw Ben Blakey hurrying toward them. "Blakey?" she said. "You're in love with Blakey?"

  Strayhorn shook his head. "Not Blakey."

  Just then, Dinah saw Mahalia charge out after Blakey. "Oh." Dinah felt her face flush. "I get it."

  Mahalia rushed past Blakey and grabbed Strayhorn's shoulders. A million little memories suddenly fell into place in Dinah's mind--a jumble of looks and touches and words exchanged between Strayhorn and Mahalia that she'd always chalked up to simple friendship.

  Only now she knew better.

  Why didn't I see it before?

  At that moment, Heavy bolted over among them. "Where iiis the love?" His voice was high and electric with fear. "Make the love! Make the love before iiit iiis too late!"

  Dinah thought it was too late already. The orange-furred squid-people were hopping onto the stage, converging on the spotlight with deadly purpose.

  "That's what we were doing!" said Strayhorn. "What else do you want from us?"

  "No no no!" said Heavy. "No love! No love at all!" He flipped and spun and twisted in midair, giving off a smell like chocolate. "They want the sounds! The

  dah-dah-dee-dah!"

  "What the hell are you talking about?
" said Blakey.

  "You know!" Heavy flopped over and curled up, then uncurled and stretched out. "The sounds you made at the Worlds' Fair, when the two of you kiiissed! Liike

  dah-dah-dee-dah-doo. The love."

  Dinah shook her head. "I don't get it."

  "Wait." Mahalia snapped her fingers. "You mean the music? The music I played in the booth when they kissed?"

  "'Music'?" Heavy shuddered.

  "Like this." Mahalia did a little scat-singing, improvising syllables over a jazzy snatch of melody. "That's music. Jazz music."

  "'Music'?" said Heavy. "Don't you mean 'love'?"

  Mahalia looked from Strayhorn to Blakey to Dinah, eyes wide with understanding. "Oh my God," she said. "This whole time, they wanted music, not love."

  "They thought we made it when we kissed," said Dinah.

  As the squid-people closed in, Mahalia dashed offstage. The squid were just reaching for Dinah and the others when the music playing over the theater's sound system changed from opera to jazz.

  Just like that, the orange-furred squid halted their approach. As one, they swayed and squeaked in time with the music, tentacles rippling with the flow of a soaring, sparkling trumpet solo.

  "Nothing like a little Miles Davis to soothe the savage alien," said Mahalia as she trotted back to the group. "And more where that came from." She held up her slim silver music player and tapped it with her fingernail.

  Dinah let out a deep breath and slumped onto the bench. "That was close."

  "You diiid iiit!" said Heavy, scooting around Team Earth in a jaunty circle. "You made the love again!"

  "I still don't see what the big deal is," said Blakey. "Why don't you just make it yourselves?"

  "We can't," said Heavy. "You are the fiiirst. Thiiis iiis something new to us."