The Regret (Heartache #2)

by Green, Vicki

  Squeezing my eyes closed tightly, I put my arms around his slim waist. It seems like ever since Tanner and I have gotten closer, Stephen appears in my dreams more and more. It’s not like he wasn’t ever there, but he hasn’t come this often for several years. Now, it feels like he’s back, every night. The similarities between Stephen and Tanner are valid if only in their mannerisms. Things I imagine Tanner saying. Tanner’s voice is lower, deeper, his body defined, toned, and firm. The eye color is the same, the same color hair yet Tanners is a bit darker. The smile is unmistakably Tanners while sometimes when he holds his head just so, I can see Stephen. It couldn’t be Stephen. Could it? But then why wouldn’t he tell me, explain where he’s been and why he didn’t come back for me, somehow get in contact with me? No, my imagination’s running wild. Stephen was still a boy, the last time I saw him, his body still growing. The only life he knew was in our neighborhood, helping a young girl fight her living demons. Who knows what happened after he left, what life altering things might have happened to him? My heart skips a beat. I have tried so hard not to wonder what could have become of him. Is he alive or dead? Could he be married and have children now? Does he ever think of me?

  “I wish you’d tell me about your nightmares sometime,” he whispers. “I know it won’t erase them but maybe it would help a little.” I squeeze around his middle, loving the thought that he wants to know, wants to help. My eyes close as he rubs the back of my neck and I lay my head against his chest, loving how it’s lulling me. “I hope someday, you’ll let me help take those nightmares away from you. Let me try to give you the happiness you deserve. You deserve so much.”

  “I’ll be back, Jole. I promise. You deserve so much better, so much more than what you’re living through. I’m gonna talk to my new foster dad and tell him what’s going on. Maybe he’ll help me come back and take you away from here. You deserve so much more.”

  I squeeze my eyes tighter, nodding my head into his chest. We sit there in the dark, on his makeshift bed of blankets, holding each other tightly, in silence.

  Chapter 9

  I should tell her. No, I’ll lose her. Maybe if I explained. No, it’ll only make it worse.

  I’ve been pacing back and forth in my kitchen once I got home from dropping Jolie off at the apartment building. She said she wanted to get a change of clothes and get cleaned up then she’d ride her bike back over. I’ve made one new cabinet while she’s been gone and have started on another one, tightening another screw then stopping again. I run my fingers through my hair as I start pacing again. Waking her up from her nightmare, seeing the look on her pale face, her body trembling in my arms, just about did me in. I was ready to spill my guts, tell her everything, if it would have given her any peace of mind. Only it wouldn’t. It would only make it worse, and that’s something I can’t do to her. I won’t.

  My head turns quickly to the doorway as a knock sounds on the front door. Who could that be? I know Jolie would just walk in so it can’t be her, besides she hasn’t been gone that long. I grab the rag on the breakfast bar, as I pass by, wiping my hands off. Once I open the door, I blink several times.

  “Uh. It’s Jolie’s fault. She told me to come over.”

  Hailey’s standing on my porch, her hand on her cocked hip, staring at me. “Oh – uh. Well, come in.” I have no idea why Jolie invited Hailey over, and I’m a little confused. I turn around as she walks past me and am a little disappointed that I won’t have Jolie all to myself on our last day off. I start to close the door, looking at Hailey standing in the family room, but it pushes back. I turn my head and see Barrett, his hand flat on the door, and lower my brows as he walks past me too, even more confused.

  “Hey, man. Jolie told me to come over.”

  I watch him walk into the living room, and Hailey turns around. They glare at each other, like they’re having a stare down. “What the hell, Tanner?” Hailey asks still staring at Barrett. I shrug, not knowing what’s going on either. I start to push the door closed again, ready to walk in there and ask why they’re both here when the door pushes back again. Now who has she invited? I turn back around just in time to see Jolie breeze past me. I look outside to the right then the left before I finally shut the door.

  Everyone’s talking at once as I walk into the room. Hailey’s waving her hands around and Barrett’s holding his hands up in surrender. “What’s going on, Jolie?” She turns, and I see her holding a large sack. I’m angry that she just invited everyone over without telling me, but as soon as she smiles at me, her eyes light up, and my anger fades. A look. Just one look and I melt. When she looks at me this way, I’d do anything for her, give her anything.

  “Sorry. I just had this great idea to have a cookout. I called Hailey, and then ran into Barrett at the grocery store so I invited him too. Help me?” Her head turns towards Hailey, giving her apologetic eyes, and then she smiles at Barrett. I follow her into the kitchen and watch her set the sack down on the breakfast bar and start pulling out food. “I’m sorry. I should have asked, but I thought – why not have a couple of friends over. Maybe we can even get them to help a little.” She turns her head and looks at me then starts unpacking the sack again. “Besides, I think Hailey and Barrett are cute together. She just needs a little push.” She shrugs her shoulders like it’s no big deal. I place my hand on the counter and lean against it.

  “So you’re a matchmaker now?” I smile. I can’t help it. She’s too cute.

  Her eyes shift to mine, and she smiles as she continues to pull things out. “Not really. Okay, maybe a little.” She shrugs. Then she gives me a wink, and I swear my cock twitched.

  “And they agreed to help out?” I wonder what they can do. It would be nice to have the help.

  She folds the sack and sets it aside then starts unwrapping the containers of sandwich meats. “Yeah. Barrett said he could help with the cabinets and Hailey said she could help paint. Barrett even said he could help you knock down that wall.” She tilts her head towards the wall dividing the kitchen to the family room. She leans over to me, kissing me quickly, staying but a breath away. “Wouldn’t it be nice to get some of this done faster?” I lean in and kiss her back, taking a little longer with my kiss. I could get used to her being here, sharing my home. Our home. I wonder if she’d go for it, move in with me when it’s all done? She may not speak to me once it’s all done.

  “Excellent idea.” I kiss her again, just because. She goes back to unwrapping food, and I let out a sigh, running my fingers through my hair. “I’m not sure Barrett is looking for someone, right now. I mean, he hasn’t been in town that long, and I don’t really know him that well.” We both stop and turn our heads towards the family room.

  “Oh, my God! Seriously? Just stay away from me!”

  Hailey’s voice flows into the room in a roar. Jolie and I look at each other and start laughing. “Not sure this was a good idea.” I let out another laugh and get the bag of ice she laid on the counter and bend over, pouring it in the cooler on the floor where a refrigerator should be. I really need to go out and pick out appliances.

  “Stop. It’ll be fine.” She looks out the doorway then back at me, a grin on her face. “Hailey just needs a little more than a push. Maybe a big shove.” She smiles and I laugh again, not really sure about her fixing up Hailey with Barrett. I mean he seems okay. I haven’t really known him for that long yet. He’s worked with a couple of my other guys and they speak highly of him. I just don’t know his background. Hailey though, she’s okay. From what I’ve seen, she just pushes guys away. I’d heard she had a bad relationship and I don’t mean the typical kind. I’d heard he was very abusive, verbally and physically. Having parents who didn’t give a shit about her, she only had her friends support, but she didn’t really tell them until it was too late. Guess she’s a pretty independent kind of woman, which is fine except sometimes you need the support of your friends. Gue
ss her parents kinda made her that way, always having to rely on herself. Kinda sad really. Makes me even more grateful for what I had.

  “Someone better tell me what the hell is going on here.” Hailey’s voice grows louder as she enters the kitchen. Jolie and I both stop and turn our heads, looking at Hailey standing there with her arms crossed over her chest not looking very happy. Hailey looks at me then at Jolie. “Jolie? Wanna tell me what you’re up to?” Geez, she’s a smart one. I had a feeling she knew what Jolie was up to. Jolie turns around completely and smiles, not wavering under Hailey’s glare.

  She shrugs. “I just thought you’d want to help Tanner get his house fixed up faster with me. I mean, we’re the only people he knows here, other than Jase and Alena, but they’re working at the gym today.” She turns and starts making sandwiches. “Just thought it would be nice to give him a hand.” With her back to Hailey, I’m the only one that sees the corner of her mouth lift. Her eyes snap up to mine, and then back to what she’s doing. Clever. Clever girl. “I mean. You helped Jase fix up his house and from what I’ve heard, you did a great job painting the rooms.” Her eyes move up to mine, slyly, and then she starts making another sandwich.

  “Yeah,” Hailey speaks. I look over at her and see her stance relax a bit. “I guess I could help out, if that’s really the only reason I’m here.”

  I shift to look back at Jolie and watch her mouth lift into a full smile. “Yes. What other reason could I possibly have except for spending some time with you while you’re here?” She places a piece of bread on the top, finishing another sandwich, putting it on a paper plate and turning around holding it out as an offering. She’s really good. “Sandwich?” Hailey looks at it skeptically, like it’s going to jump off the plate and come after her. She walks forward and takes it, giving Jolie a doubtful look.

  “Got any chips?”

  Jolie begins to turn around to the counter. “Of course.” She smiles but I notice her let out a deep breath. Smooth but she wasn’t so sure her plan would work. She’s strong and determined, I’ll give her that.

  “Got any more of those?”

  I look up and watch Barrett walk into the kitchen. His eyes move from the sandwiches to Hailey then back quickly. No one else saw that little glance but me, thankfully. I wonder if he could really be interested in Hailey. I assume he’s single, never really talked to him about his personal life. Maybe I should get to know him better. Couldn’t hurt.

  Jolie turns her head and smiles. “There’s plenty to go around. I thought we could eat lunch then get started.”

  We all grab sandwiches, putting on the condiments we like, grab chips, and I help pass out soft drinks and bottled waters to who wants them. We decide to sit out on the deck, which also needs to be torn down and rebuilt. I’d even like to make it a bit bigger, with built-in bench seats. So many things I want to do around here. I look over at Jolie sitting next to Hailey talking as they eat.

  “So, uh – what’s the plan?” Barrett asks suddenly, taking me off guard. Does he want to know about how Jolie is trying to hook him up with Hailey? I must give him a strange look because he smiles. “With the house.” Oh. Oh! I smile back and go into all I want to do with the house, down to the man cave I want to build in the basement. “Sounds like a great undertaking. I’m glad you settled on living here. I know it’s been rough on you.” He looks over at the girls and then back at me, lowering his voice. “So. You haven’t told her yet, have you?” I look away, ashamed. I feel his hand on my arm and look at him, seeing the concern on his face. “Look. You have to tell her at some point. It’s the right thing to do.” I can only nod, knowing he’s right.

  “I – I just can’t. Not yet.” He gives me a look of disapproval, one I know I deserve. “I know I’m being selfish, but I also know as soon as I tell her, I’ll lose her.” I look down at my bottled water, my hands holding it tightly, not wanting to see the look on his face anymore. My heart clenches with the thought of her leaving me, the deceit I’ve been playing, only to have her near me, wanting me, and thinking there’d be a future for us. I’ve thought about this for so many years, coming up with the perfect plan. Maybe she never needs to know? Maybe that makes me a liar and deceitful bastard. If I had met her under different circumstances, I wouldn’t be misleading her at all. I’d have fallen in love with her anyway, instantly. There’s no doubt in my mind. The reality is I didn’t. I fell for her a long time ago. Once I saw her in person, looked into those blue, blue eyes, I knew my life would never be the same. Then when I finally felt her lips against mine, I went to hell. I was already headed there, as soon as I’d formed my plan. Yet after having her in my arms, I was burning in that pit, knowing I couldn’t ever leave her, knowing I’d never be able to have her again. I’m an asshole – the lowest form.

  “Maybe you won’t lose her. Did you ever think she’ll understand?” My head raises and my eyes snap to his. “She’s a smart woman, Tanner. Did you ever think that even though it may hurt her that she’ll figure out that you did it because you have feelings for her?” He smiles, giving me a small ray of hope. “She’s lived through a lot, more than most of us. She’s stronger than you think. Give her some credit.” His smile lifts higher as he winks.

  God, if only I could believe she wouldn’t be so upset that she’d leave me, I’d tell her in a heartbeat. So many times I’ve almost blurted out the truth, wanting to come clean, let her know everything. But then reality would hit me in the face, straight into my heart. Fuck, I’m a selfish prick.

  “What are you guys talking about?” My head swings over to Jolie, watching her fine form walking over to us. Self-consciously, I lick my lips. “C’mon. This house isn’t gonna fix itself.” She gives me a wink, those plump lips raising with her smile. I feel Barrett’s punch on my arm and smile myself, looking away and shaking my head. Yeah, we need to get busy before I lunge at her, forgetting we have company and push her down onto the hardwood, sink deep inside her, and show her just how much I want her. Gonna be a little tough, not to mention embarrassing, when I stand with the rock hard erection I’m sporting.

  Finally, we stand and as the girls go into the kitchen to start painting, Barrett and I head into the garage to work on making cabinets. We’d figured if we could get that done, knock out the wall, and I get the new appliances and furniture for the family room, we’d have two rooms complete. After that, my bedroom. Yeah, definitely need to get that done so I can get furniture set up in there and Jolie and I can have a nice bed. Fuck, these thoughts are definitely not helping my hard on deflate, at all. Now I have the picture in my head of her laying beneath me, her beautiful body naked, and her skin aglow from the orgasm I just gave her. Yeah, not helping.

  By early evening, the girls finished painting and cleaned up their mess. Between Barrett and me, we knocked down the wall in the kitchen and made several cabinets. We stained them and left them in the garage to dry. Once Hailey and Barrett left, Jolie and I took a long, hot shower, washing each other only to repeat it after I pushed her up against the tile and made us need to get clean again. She didn’t seem to mind. In fact, as soon as we dried each other, she pushed me into my bedroom and onto my makeshift bed and we went for round two. Guess she’d been as horny as I was. Thank God!

  “So, what do you want to do with your life – what are your dreams?”

  We’d gone out to eat at a restaurant in town. Then we walked along the streets, holding hands. It was normal. It was heaven. We stopped and she pushed me into a store, and I ended up ordering all the appliances for the kitchen. They’ll be delivered in a few days. She said it would help me work harder on getting the cabinets done and put up. She was right.

  Now, we’re laying on the blankets in my bedroom, my arm around her, and our hands are pressed together as we look up at the ceiling, lost in our thoughts. I turn my head and look at her. The moonlight filtering through the slats of the blinds casts her in a warm glow. “I
dunno. I guess what most people want. A home. A family.” I release her hand and turn onto my side and start rubbing up and down the soft skin of her arm with my fingers. “And what are yours? What is it that you want?” She lets out a long breath, still looking up at the ceiling.

  “I guess I want the same thing. Mainly, I just want to be happy.” She turns her head, a small smile on that luscious mouth but sadness fills her eyes. She thinks I don’t know. Thinks I haven’t a clue as to what she’s been through.

  I reach up and push some of her soft hair away from her face and give her my own smile. “I think that’s doable.” Her eyes shift to mine as I lean down, capturing her mouth. She smiles against mine then her arm moves around my neck as our desire becomes heated. All thoughts of our dreams dissipate as I climb on top of her, settling in between her spread legs. I pour everything I am into her, trying to fulfill her dream of happiness as she moans my name in her ecstasy. Mission accomplished, at least for now.

  ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

  “What has you in such a good mood this morning?” Jase asks as he reaches me. I’d just finished training a client and was updating his records on the computer in the small work area upstairs off the track. He sits down on the chair next to the desk. His eyes filled with what he already knows.

  “Hmm. Just happy. First time since I can remember,” I tell him. I mean it. I can’t remember being this happy. Well, not since….