Bound (Bound Duet Book 1)

by Stephie Walls

  I ran to the window hoping to catch a glimpse of him. I watched him land at the bottom of the steps before he looked up at my apartment. I doubted he could see me, but I saw his face—it was tear streaked and pained.

  This was exactly why I hadn’t wanted to tell him. Gray had never indicated he wanted children. We never talked about it, but based on his reaction to any type of long-term commitment, I could only assume this was the permanent blow to whatever might have been salvageable in our relationship. I wasn’t the least bit surprised. Gray was not a fighter. He avoided confrontation with me at all costs. He had never been one to yell. But right now, I wanted to hash it out, get all the cards on the table, and then deal with the fallout. Gray, refused to engage in a fight.

  As the days passed with no word from him, I emerged from my delusional haze. The realization of what I faced dawned on me—I had to figure out what I would do. A baby was not in my plan…ever. I guess I thought I’d have kids at some point, but certainly not this early, and definitely not without a husband. I’d thought I would have Gray around to discuss this with, for him to help me decide, but it had been over a week since he’d walked out of my apartment—no calls, no texts, no emails, no carrier pigeon.

  Nothing.

  My entire life, as far back as I could remember I had always been pro-life. I had never believed I could consider abortion, but with the truth staring me in the face, it was a choice weighing heavily on my mind. It was selfish, but the idea of telling my friends and family I was pregnant and Gray had disappeared was overwhelming, almost crippling. Couple that with the fact I was still in school, working “part time,” living in an apartment, and had an active drug life over the last few months, I wondered if it wasn’t my best option. It was funny how a political opinion on an issue changed when you actually became the statistic faced with the choice.

  I considered the adoption route, briefly. There were tons of families that wanted children of their own who couldn’t have them, even though the thought of carrying a baby for nine months only to give it away was crushing. I wasn’t sure I’d ever survive the mental strain of knowing part of me existed somewhere in the world, but I had been too weak to keep it with me.

  There was also the option to keep the baby and do the best I could. I could finish my degree. Then I could go back to working full time at Walton’s where I’d make plenty of money to move into a bigger apartment or buy a house and raise a child.

  Baby—the word consumed me.

  I was having a hard time concentrating at school. I had immediately cut out all extracurricular drug use. Add the sudden loss of stimulants and narcotics to being pregnant, I was exhausted all the time and in a less-than-stellar mood. I avoided my friends at all costs, including not answering the door when they came knocking since I wouldn’t answer their calls. I had texted them to let them know I was busy with school, but Lynn knew the truth. She was threatening to call Jenny and Scarlett if I didn’t come out of hiding. I kept telling her I was swamped with school and work, which was true since I couldn’t keep my eyes open and had to do everything twice to make sure it was right—pregnancy had made me stupid in a short amount of time. She also wanted a timeline for when I would tell Gray. I hadn’t mentioned he had known almost as long as she had. I figured I’d deal with that later.

  My phone vibrated on the table. I sighed when I saw Lynn’s name.

  “Hello,” I answered.

  “Hey, girlie. It’s Lynn.” I figured she thought I hadn’t seen the caller ID pop up on the screen or possibly lost the ability to read. Thoughts like that proved I’d become a raving bitch, which was all the more reason for me to stay away from people as a whole.

  “What’s up?”

  “You sound horrible, Annie. What’s wrong?”

  “I’m tired and have a lot to do with work and school.” Surely she could hear it in my voice.

  “So, I talked to Gray today…” she said, trailing off like she expected me to be interested.

  I was dying to know how he was doing, to see his face, for him to hold me and tell me we’d get through this together, that he still loved me. But he wasn’t doing that, and I sure as hell wasn’t about to ask him to or admit to Lynn that I wanted him to.

  “Yeah? How’s he doing?” Even I didn’t buy my bullshit, nonchalant response.

  “He asked about you. Said he’s worried because you haven’t called him. He mentioned he hasn’t seen you in a week or so and wanted to know if I would check on you.”

  “Seriously?” The desire to scream threatened to take over. I wanted to vent to Lynn and tell her what an ass he was when he had found out, tell her the reason he hadn’t heard from me is that he said he needed time to think. Whatever angle he was playing here pissed me off. I wondered if he was trying to get a read from her about what I planned to do, or if maybe he thought he could wait it out and let me make this monumental decision alone—then come waltzing back in like nothing had ever happened or simply walk away if I hadn’t made whatever choice he hoped for.

  “Yeah. Why haven’t you called him?” Apparently, she hadn’t told him I was pregnant, but he hadn’t told her he knew, either.

  “And say what exactly? ‘Hey, Gray, I know we broke up because you didn’t want a commitment and you moved out, but guess what, I’m pregnant with your baby. Surprise!’ It doesn’t work like that, Lynn. He knows how to dial a phone. He knows where I live. It goes both ways. If he’s so interested, he can contact me himself.” I paused, realizing how snotty I sounded and what a bitch I was being…again. “Look, Lynn, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to take this out on you, but Gray isn’t really my top priority right now. He chose his path, and it wasn’t the one I was on.” I was on the verge of tears, which made me angry. Damn these fucking hormones.

  “When are you going to tell him, Annie? He has a right to know. He needs to have the option to be involved in your decisions.”

  That was the straw that broke my camel’s back. Sobbing, I wailed into the phone, “He does know Lynn. He came over after I took the test with you and found it in the trash can. I showed him the results.” I wasn’t sure she understood anything I said through my breakdown, but I kept going. “He sat there and stared at it before getting up, setting the test down, and walking out my door. All he said was he needed time to think, and he’d call me later. I haven’t heard from him since.” My sobs became hiccupping whimpers. I knew how wretched I sounded, but I needed to get it out.

  “Oh, Annie, why didn’t you tell me? He didn’t mention it at all when I talked to him.”

  “He knows you know, Lynn. I told him you brought the test over. I guess he was trying to figure how I’m handling it or what I’ve decided to do without confronting me.”

  “Well, have you decided what you’re going to do?”

  “No, I thought I’d have help to make this decision. It’s not like Gray was a damn one-night stand. We’ve been together for two years. We had sex right before he found the test. Jesus, why isn’t he helping me through this, Lynn?”

  “Annie, I’m so sorry.” The sympathy in her voice replaced the irritation the conversation had started out with. “Are you going to ask him what he wants you to do?”

  “I have an appointment with my OB/GYN this afternoon. After I meet with him, I’ll call Gray, tell him what I know, and ask if he wants to be involved or not. I’ll figure it out from there. Either with him or without him.” I resigned myself to the situation. It was what it was. If Gray wanted to participate, I’d welcome it, if not, then I’d walk away.

  “Call me after your appointment. I want to hear what the doctor says.”

  “I will. Talk to you later, Lynn.”

  There was nothing like a paper gown to make a girl feel really feminine and special. The sarcastic bitch in me had her head reared high today and was in rare form. It was bad enough I had to sit naked wrapped in a sheet of paper on a table, but I had never understood why OB/GYNs made a woman wait for an eternity in this get-up before coming in to e
xamine the patient. It was like they got off on humiliation…mine. I had to pee in a cup because apparently, my peeing on a stick wasn’t good enough to confirm my pregnancy. They repeated the same stick test themselves. They also took blood, for what I wasn’t privy to, and let me listen to the heartbeat. Now here I sat, naked except for my paper comforter, waiting. I hated being idle. As far as I was concerned, if you left me in a room for an extended amount of time with nothing to do, you should have expected me to rifle through your drawers—all of them. That’s exactly what I was doing when the nurse walked in. She laughed at me. I returned her smile as I hopped back up on the table.

  “Congratulations. You’re pregnant.” Ummmm, yes, I already know. That’s why I’m here. I stared at her. I couldn’t do anything but blink at her obvious declaration while I waited for her to continue. “Based on your last period, we estimate your due date to be December seventeenth.” She was awfully smiley for someone who looked at vajayjays all day over the shoulder of a doctor. She had been expecting a reaction other than the one she got from me, but hey, I aimed to please.

  “Can I go now?”

  “Uhh, well, do you have any questions?” She seemed caught off guard by my less-than-chipper attitude.

  “Yes. I do. Why did I have to put on this paper gown and sit here naked for nearly an hour for you to tell me what I already knew?” Super bitch reared her head.

  “Well, if we hadn’t gotten the hormone levels we were looking for in the blood work, the doctor would have done a pelvic exam. But everything is in tip-top shape, so there’s no need for that today.” Her smile resembled the Cheshire cat—completely exaggerated and over the top. I wanted to smack the grin off her face. I wondered if these people ever considered that not every pregnancy brought great tidings to the prospective mother.

  “So, I can get dressed and go?”

  “Yes, you can. The assistant will make your next appointment for you on your way out.”

  Jumping off the table, I grabbed my clothes to get dressed as she left the room. After I had checked out, I debated who to contact first, Lynn or Gray. I opted for Lynn since I told her I was coming today. Not in the mood to talk, I sent her a text telling her I was out of the doctor’s office and promised to call her tonight.

  Second contact, Gray. I was a chickenshit, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone and hear his voice, knowing there would be disappointment or even anger on the other end. Text it was.

  Me: Hey, Gray. Just left the OBGYN. Baby’s due 12/17.

  There was a long wait for a response, or maybe it seemed long because waiting stressed me out, unsure of how he would take the news.

  Gray: Is everything okay?

  Me: You mean with the baby?

  Gray: You & the baby

  Me: Baby’s fine. I got to hear his heartbeat. I’m a mess but expected nothing different.

  Gray: You got to hear the heartbeat?

  Me: Yep. His heart sounded like a little drum.

  Gray: His?? You already know it’s a boy? God, Annie, why didn’t you tell me you were getting all this info? I would’ve gone with you

  Me: Oh, no. They didn’t tell me it’s a boy; just intuition. I heard the heartbeat & got the due date today.

  Gray: Why didn’t you tell me you had an appointment?

  Me: You said you needed time to think. You said you would call. You didn’t, so I left you alone.

  Gray: Bird Dog…

  Me: Yeah?

  Gray: I don’t know what to say.

  Me: Well let me in on the secret when you figure it out.

  Gray: Don’t be like that, baby.

  Me: How would you prefer me to be?

  Gray: Are you busy tonight?

  Me: Just homework…I’ll be home if that’s what you’re asking

  Gray: Can I come by?

  Me: Sure.

  Gray: I’ll see you around 730pm.

  I didn’t bother responding. I missed him like someone might miss an amputated arm or a leg—Gray was an unhealthy extension of me, but I couldn’t wait to see him. I was utterly lost without him, but damn, I was pissed as hell, too. This man had told me he loved me more times than I could count, but when I needed him the most, he’d been completely absent. My heart ached for him in longing and anger. Nothing made any sense without him with me, but every emotion I felt toward him or about him had become a walking contradiction.

  Knowing he wasn’t coming home to me anymore stole my breath, sucked the life from me—I was suffocating. He was my lifeline, and without him, every inhale was harder to take. I missed seeing him in the morning, curling up in his arms at night, eating dinner with him, and the sensation of his basic human touch. I had adored him since the day I sat across from him at Applebee’s and believed with everything in me our souls were connected. We were bound by a love I’d never known before and doubted would ever exist for me again. Somehow, we’d always be connected; some unseen force tied our hearts. It might have been through this baby, or we might have found a way back together, but somehow, we would forever be united. I just hoped my heart survived because right now he was like cancer eating at my soul.

  Gray showed up right on time as usual. He knocked on the door, which still pained me. To think, a handful of weeks ago, he had his own key and walked in, but now, he was knocking. It was a bitter reminder he wasn’t mine anymore. When he’d left, he said we were still together, but facing the truth, I had to admit a man didn’t go a week without talking to his girlfriend or acknowledging she was pregnant. If I were honest, I knew we weren’t together, but I kept trying to deny it. I wouldn’t let my heart confess that harsh reality yet. I answered the door to a hesitant smile and returned it with one of my own. He leaned down and kissed my forehead.

  “Hey, babe, how are you?”

  I was a little stunned at his welcome; this was the Gray I was used to. I responded with a simple hello and motioned him in where he proceeded to his usual spot on the couch. I took my seat next to him and curled my legs underneath my body to face him.

  Once settled, he looked in my direction, grabbed my arm, pulled me into his lap, and curled his arms around me. That oriental tattoo peeked out from his shirt, and I asked him for the hundredth time, “What does this mean?” The tips of my fingers traced the outline.

  He laughed. “Superman.”

  I wondered if he knew what it meant since every time I asked he gave me a different answer, but this had been our game since we met. I would keep asking until he finally gave me the truth, not that I’d recognize it. I wanted to keep playing with him, but we had serious things to discuss. I got quiet waiting for him to lead the conversation since he asked to come over.

  Emotion swam in Gray’s eyes, but nothing came out of his mouth. My head met the back on the couch and rested there. I searched his face, hoping he’d see how much I loved him, how much I needed him, how much I missed him. I couldn’t express the words, or maybe I wouldn’t express them. His being with me had to be his decision—baby, or not. I wanted him by my side because he needed me the way I did him. He interrupted my thoughts when he stammered over whatever it was he had come here to say, but before he got anything out, the tears started.

  “Sweetheart, why are you crying?” He had no clue how to handle this side of me, or really any side of me that wasn’t simply happy, non-confrontational Annie.

  “Hormones, I guess.” No way in hell I was confessing to him how lost I was. Using the back of my hand, I wiped away the signs of my internal struggle and tried to keep them at bay.

  “Look, I should’ve called by now. I kept thinking something would come to me to fix our situation, but I can’t think of anything. I don’t know what to do, Annie. I’m struggling with even being in a relationship, what the hell will I do with a baby?” That was his truth—his brutal honesty. I couldn’t blame him for how he felt, even if it ripped me open, slicing straight to my core.

  I kept waiting for him to continue. Sitting silently, my mind raced through my choice
s again. He knew the options we had to choose from, but I couldn’t figure out if he wanted me to offer them up as suggestions or tell him my decision.

  He finally proceeded. “I won’t tell you what to do with your body. It’s not my place, but the thought of you doing anything other than keeping him is more than I can handle. I keep going back and forth about what a child will mean for us. I mean, we aren’t really together anymore.” And there it was—his admission that him leaving was bigger than him needing space. He needed space. “So what does that mean for a kid? That he’d be back and forth between us on the weekends? Or that he’s with you all the time and I don’t exist? I lived that life, Annie. My dad wasn’t around. I don’t want that for my son. Then there’s the part of me that thinks this is my chance to be better than my dad, to be a father to my little boy. You know I love you—that’s not a question. I can love his mama and be his daddy. I can see you dressing him up in preppy clothes, putting a baseball hat on his little head, before I carry him to a Clemson game with me—”

  Interrupting him, I asked, “You think about him as a little person? About taking him with you to games and what it would actually be like to love him?”

  “Of course I have. What makes you think I wouldn’t picture those things? Annie, that’s my baby growing in you. Mine. You and I created him. We didn’t plan him, but he’s very much a part of both of us.” He struggled to fully express his emotion, the uncertainty of the commitment we’re making to this baby and each other, for life, if we kept him.

  “When you dream about him, does he have a name?” However he answered this question would define my decision. I realized that as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

  “Cole.” He was matter-of-fact. In that instant, my choice was made. Gray had met this little boy, his son, in his mind. We didn’t even really know if it was a boy, but Gray and I both believed it was, and he had a name.

  His eyes searched mine for any kind of answer, response, or suggestion I might have added to the conversation. “Gray, I don’t know if you even thought about me having an abortion as an option, or considered adoption, or if in your mind our only choice is to have the baby.”