Bound (Bound Duet Book 1)

by Stephie Walls

  Of course, Jenny had said to bring my ass to her house, so that’s where I’d gone, with Sean following. Upon arrival, he got out of his truck and helped me drag my things into Jenny’s tiny apartment. I followed him out but had no idea what to say, so I’d gone with the only thing I could come up with. “Thanks, Sean.” I blocked the sun from my eyes so I could look up to him, and he engulfed me in his long, skinny arms.

  “Annie, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me okay?”

  I nodded in agreement, on the brink of losing my composure. He sensed it and took off to spare me any more humiliation.

  I had cried a lot in the last few years, more than I had in my entire life combined, but the last few days had been the worst by far. Gray couldn’t have had any crappier timing, but I’m sure he’d say I’d brought it all on myself. I had mourned the loss of my grandfather and attended his funeral alone. I had suffered through the Honor Council meeting where I had been exonerated although horribly embarrassed. And been kicked out by the boyfriend all my friends had warned me about in a span of less than a week.

  Through it all, Gray had never called to check on me, never sent me a text to ask how I was holding up, nothing. He was the only person I had told about the Honor Council, and he knew my graduation depended upon its outcome, but still, he’d been silent. Plain and simple, it was tough to lose the love of my life, have my grandfather die, and have to defend my integrity, in the span of five days. The only silver lining I found in all the turmoil was I had forced myself to finish my thesis before all that shit had hit the fan, so I no longer had anything left to focus on other than my actual presentation to the faculty. I seemed to be able to handle the mundane homework and tests my professors continued to throw at us at the end of the semester, so I was hanging in there. I could have taken zeroes on all my homework and tests from now until the end of the year, except my thesis, and still passed my classes and graduated with honors. Things hadn’t gotten that bad, but by no means had I been putting forth the effort I normally did.

  I had taken a leave of absence from Walton’s until after graduation. Luckily, that was the plan for my last year, to enable me to devote my final weeks to my thesis and senior presentation. It enabled me to add regular visits to my shrink back into my weekly routine—visits I never should have stopped making. It was like starting over, but instead of only having to deal with Will’s death, I now had Cole’s, and Gray’s loss on my plate, too. I wondered if I’d ever live a normal life where my days weren’t defined by heartache.

  Jenny dragged me out to random clubs, friends’ houses, anywhere she could think of to get me in front of other people, so I wasn’t wallowing in self-pity. I had succumbed to several pity parties in the last couple weeks, but I told myself it was justified. All of it had been shitty, and if I wanted to wallow, I would allow myself to wallow—for a couple days, not indefinitely. My psychiatrist had given me a free pass to allow the emotion to escape in whatever format that took shape…so I had.

  It didn’t matter where I went, what I did, my thoughts always turned to Gray. Every time I set foot outside, I hoped I’d run into him, and I prayed for a glimpse of him. I begged God for one more day with him, one more chance to be what he needed me to be. Every couple I saw together had set off the waterworks. Each time my phone rang, I hoped it was him, only to be let down when I saw the caller ID—same thing with texts. I dreamed about him, wrote him unsent letters, and basically, I obsessed quietly. Nothing made sense without him, and there was a gaping hole in my being. Without him, I didn’t feel complete. Thinking about it caused tightness in my chest and a wave of panic that was all consuming—debilitating at times.

  My friends knew I wasn’t doing well, but they had given me space to deal on my own. They tried to talk me down from the ledge, but there was nothing to say. I had fucked up. I knew how he felt about the drugs. No matter how hard I tried to justify it in my mind, Gray was right—I’d made a promise to him I hadn’t kept. Somehow, I continued to gloss over those he had made to me and allowed him an out he likely didn’t deserve, but I couldn’t be mad at him. I couldn’t hate him; I longed for him daily—all issues I was dealing with in counseling several times a week. My goal had simply been to hold on through graduation and then have a planned fallout session with my psychiatrist. I was sure that would be ugly, but it gave me something to work toward.

  I managed to make it through my presentation to the faculty, and it went extremely well. I wasn’t big on public speaking, so having the entire faculty in a room listening to me talk about the last four years of my life, my academic accomplishments all tied up in one paper, my graduation resting on my performance and their review, had been a little daunting. But I was proud of myself when it was over.

  As I made my way out to my car afterward, with a genuine smile on my face, I reached for my phone and dialed his number, when I realized, I couldn’t call Gray. I couldn’t share my success with him—the one person who’d suffered through the last couple of years, juggling my schedule, encouraging me, supporting me. I couldn’t call him to tell him I’d done it. I would graduate from college next week without him by my side.

  When the realization hit me, I slumped in the seat of my car, my phone still in hand and his number on the screen, and wailed at the unfairness of it all. Never in my life had I felt this kind of loss, and it was the worst feeling, emptiness—a void. It so far superseded Will’s death because I was angry with him. I’d been madder than hell that he’d left me to deal with the turmoil and lawyers. And by the time I’d gotten past being angry, I’d numbed the remaining pain with drugs. Sobbing, I cried out, demanding God give me answers to why he’d take Gray when I needed him and loved him the way I did. The bond between us shouldn’t exist if it weren’t meant to be, it was a cruel twist of fate. I waffled between anger, sadness, and sheer despair. To avoid the temptation to dial his number, I tossed the phone on the seat next to me, cranked up the car, wiped my face, and just drove.

  Eventually, I found my way back to Jenny’s apartment. When I walked in, she glanced at my swollen red face and shook her head. “He’s not worth it, Annie.”

  “It’s not just that. I mean that’s a lot of it, but it hit me today when I finished my presentation, the one person I wanted to share my day with wasn’t interested in hearing it. He’s been with me through this fight to the finish to get to graduation, but he bailed right before I reached the goal. He dismissed me within hours of my finding out my Granddaddy had passed away, my telling him about the plagiarism charges, the Honor Board meeting—he left. I’ve never depended on anyone to pull me through anything, needed no one, so why do I need him?” I was desperate for answers I doubted I’d ever receive, but I wanted someone to give them to me all the same.

  “You know I’m pissed as hell with him. That’s no secret. I shouldn’t say this because I don’t want to give you any false sense of hope, but, Annie, you guys are meant to be together. I don’t know when or under what circumstances, but I’ve never seen two people so intimately woven together as the two of you are. Maybe the timing isn’t right. Maybe it never will be.”

  “Jenny, are you high?” I had no clue what the hell she was talking about or why she’d attempt to give me some false sense of hope instead of demanding I run in the opposite direction.

  “You and Gray may have separated for the time being, but the tides will turn, bringing you back together. I hope if he ever gets you back, he treats you like the treasure you are.” She shrugged indicating this was obvious to everyone but me, but it wasn’t. No one believed the two of us should be together—we were toxic. We were worse than oil and water—we were fire and gasoline. Even my shrink had said that.

  I collapsed in the chair and said, “You, my friend, have smoked one too many joints.”

  She smiled at me, and I giggled. I couldn’t help but love my little hippie of a friend. There was always a break in the clouds where she could see the sun.

  “I hate to give you more bad news
…”

  I jerked my head up to look at her.

  “Your dad called today.”

  “Ugh,” I groaned. I loved my dad, but we didn’t really see eye to eye these days, and the more distance we’d put between ourselves the worse it had gotten. He wanted what he thought was best for me, and what he thought looked good to the community, and I got that, but he wanted me to accomplish his goals for my life in his way. It wasn’t good enough for me to go after his dreams for me in my own way. “What’d he want?”

  “He’s planned a huge graduation party for you after the ceremony on Saturday.”

  “Oh, please tell me you’re kidding.”

  “Nope, he asked for a list of your friends’ names, phone numbers, email addresses, et cetera. I happily gave them to him since I love to see you squirm.”

  I gave her the fake evil eye. “You’re such a bitch. Who all did you have him invite?”

  “Everyone. He said a bunch of your family is coming in and he invited people from Walton’s but wants to include your friends, classmates, and…” When she trailed off, I knew there was something she didn’t want to tell me.

  “And?”

  “Jesus, Annie. Have you not told him about Gray?”

  “No. I didn’t know how to tell him and hadn’t really wanted to discuss my failure in another relationship with him, especially one he wasn’t gung-ho about anyhow. Jenny everything I do is a mistake in my parents’ eyes—it’s easier just not to talk to them.”

  “Well, I didn’t think I should be the one to tell him, so I couldn’t avoid giving him Gray’s contact info. I’m sorry.”

  I literally shrieked. “What the fuck am I going to do, Jenny? He can’t call Gray!”

  “I say let the cards fall where they may. If he comes, great; if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. It’s not like you won’t have tons of other people there.” Simplistic Jenny.

  I wasn’t sure whether I should hug her for keeping me grounded or strangle her for thinking nothing was worth getting riled up over. It had to be the marijuana.

  The ceremony was a blur. I vaguely remembered walking across the stage hearing roars of applause and cheers, but I couldn’t tell you a word that had been said during commencement or who the speaker was. I kept trying to scan the crowd casually to see if Gray was there. I found tons of my friends, classmates, and family members in various locations, but the crowd was immense, and he could have been anywhere or not there at all. After all the picture-taking and hugs, my dad snagged me and encouraged me toward the car so we could indulge in his pompous soirée.

  My parents lived in a beautiful house on top of a hill. My mom obsessed over the landscape, so it was immaculately groomed; the colors drew attention before anyone even got into the neighborhood. When you were actually on the property, the smell of the flowers filled your nose in a sensory overload. Moving down the front walkway, I noticed tons of cars that lined the street and heard music coming from the backyard. When we went inside, there were people everywhere, along with a cornucopia of edible treats. My parents had apparently gone all out for the occasion, obviously trying to impress those who showed up with a small band out back that played cover songs. It never ceased to amaze me what they’d do to save face in the community. This blowout was their way of making sure the world still saw them as supportive even if they weren’t. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the support and love of so many people even if the hosts of the party didn’t have pure intentions. I typically considered myself a loner; I had a few close friends, but I’d never say I was a social butterfly—but this turnout said something very different. I was honored and humbled.

  As I mingled, shook hands, and heard words of congratulations, I took mental note of all the individuals here. When I thought I’d spoken with everyone, the only two people I hadn’t seen were Scarlett and Gray. I had hoped Scarlett would come. I had continued to reach out to her to no avail. I was heartbroken that Gray had missed my graduation altogether. Part of me was angry while another part ached that he hadn’t shown up. People inquired about his absence and allowed me to let them in on the secret I’d been hiding without anyone being able to make a huge scene based on the location and cause for celebration. I kept a bright smile on my face and didn’t let on that I was agonizing over his loss, just acknowledged that sometimes things don’t work out, but I wished him all the best. Those who didn’t know me all that well assumed it was me who had let him go. Those I was close to knew I would never have walked away but wouldn’t pry. They’d allow me to come to them when I was ready, which may be never.

  Thinking back, my graduation party had been the moment of truth. I moved out of Jenny’s apartment that same weekend and had time alone where I did nothing but analyze my relationship with Gray over the past couple years. I’d forced myself to acknowledge Gray and I were really done. It was a painful realization, but I resigned myself to accept it, surrendered to the disappointment. When it hit me, my heart felt as though it had lost its ability to beat. It kept constricting but never released, painfully tightening in my chest. I missed him, and there was no joy left in my life. A whopping hole of blackness crept in. Gray took my desire to live. I wasn’t suicidal; I was completely apathetic. I couldn’t find the energy to wash my hair, had no yearning for company, no craving for food; I couldn’t even be roused by drugs—Jenny had tried. Living on my own again, my friends allowed me time to grieve, initially, but after two months of doing nothing but going to work, Jenny and Lynn intervened.

  I heard a bump on the door to the apartment, then another, before I realized it was someone knocking. Reluctantly, I got up to answer it and found Lynn and Jenny standing on the threshold. Sighing, I waved them in with a swoosh of my arm before Lynn’s smart mouth moved.

  “Gee, Annie, way to greet your friends.” She smiled, letting me know it was her feeble attempt at being playful.

  “Sorry, guys, I just haven’t been in the mood for company,” I said and stared at the ground, willing them to go away. Instead, they moved farther inside.

  “Look, girl.” Jenny used an authoritative tone that would not bode well for me in the long run. “We’ve let you wallow in self-pity for months. We kept thinking you needed time to work this out yourself, but apparently, that isn’t happening—at least not at speeds we believe it should. So, we are no longer allowing you to sit here alone, crying on the couch. Get up, go shower, get dressed. We’re going out.”

  “I don’t want to go out. I want to stay home, alone.” My voice was stern, but I could tell by the expressions on their faces they were withholding laughter and had no intention of allowing me to stay home tonight. Maybe if I refused to move, they would leave.

  Lynn saw the defiance in my expression. She looked over at Jenny and commanded, “Go turn on the shower.”

  Jenny did as she was told while I watched her walk out. I was suddenly drawn back to Lynn when she grabbed my arm, putting me in some sort of wrestling hold, and then dragged me to the bathroom. My protests went unheard as she pushed me into a cold stream of water, fully clothed, then slammed the door behind me.

  “I’m serious, Annie, it’s time to move on. Take a shower, and then we’re going out.” They both walked out and left me balking at them through the glass, wondering what the hell had just happened.

  The water warmed a bit, and I worked my sopping wet clothing off, slinging it over the glass shower top. As I closed my eyes, I could see him looking down at me. I imagined the droplets running down my face to be his gentle kisses, and the warmth of the water, his embrace. I could almost smell him. Smiling, I opened my eyes, but he was gone. My heart skipped a beat as my chest painfully constricted; the same scenario recurred every time his memory crept in. The cycle was doing definitive damage to my psyche, and all the counseling in the world hadn’t helped. Tonight, I had to find the will to break it or allow Lynn and Jenny to do it for me. Unable to distinguish between optimism and resignation, I got dressed, wearing simple dark jeans, a fitted concert T-shirt, and my Docs. I l
et my hair flow down my back, swept a little blush, mascara, and lip-gloss on, and grabbed my debit card and phone.

  I wasn’t ready to admit I felt a little better just going through the motions of getting dressed to go out, but my friends sensed it, and they both smiled like Cheshire cats when I announced I was ready to go. The giggling between them was incessant, like little girls, and it begged a smile to my face. I appreciated what they were doing for me. I’d missed them both, and they knew I was drowning in sorrow, anguish, pain, and regret—the list of emotions a mile long. They had allowed me time to mourn but were deliberate in their new fight to pull me out.

  “So what’s on the agenda this evening ladies?” I asked from the backseat of Jenny’s car.

  My friend glanced back at me through the rearview mirror, and offered, “We’re thinking you need to eat and we all need to drink. How about Wild Wings downtown?”

  Sadly, I ran Gray’s schedule through my head before committing. He worked on Fridays but got off at seven and usually went out with his friends, who hated the downtown vibe. So it was a fairly safe bet he wouldn’t accidentally grace us with his presence, and if he did, I would have been there first. It was childish, but I couldn’t stand the thought of him thinking I followed him or showed up where he was in an attempt to get his attention. “Sounds great. I’m starving.”

  “Hey, Annie?” Lynn looked back at me with a sympathetic look on her face.

  “Yeah?”

  “You know he’s without, right? He lost out in this deal. Not you. Eventually, he’s going to realize what he gave up in you, and it’ll be too late.”

  I smiled weakly at my friend. She was right, he wouldn’t find anyone else who loved him the way I did. He’d realize what he had given up. I only hoped it wasn’t too late, but I wouldn’t admit that out loud. Ever. I reached my arms around the back of the seat to hug her neck, knowing no words were needed. God, I loved these two women.