Sensation

by Isabel Losada

  Why would nudity be scary? I’ve done lots of self-acceptance-type work over the years and, mostly, I feel pretty good about myself, but never having done any tantra, this work hasn’t extended as far as my body so my absurd physical inhibitions have remained firmly intact. In my mind my breasts are too small, my stomach is too big, and even (how absurd is this?) my yoni is the wrong shape. Now please forgive me for mentioning this, and you may quite understandably feel that it really is too much information, but if I don’t talk about these things then I am yet one more person playing into the taboo. So courage is called for. I know that the idea of one shape of yoni or vulva being potentially more attractive than another is absurd. I suppose I must have acquired this view from way back when I was a young teenager and saw my first porn magazine. I will have compared my own body to the bodies of the women that appeared there and naturally deduced that I was ‘wrong’ or ‘weird’.

  It’s alarming that vaginal surgery, called ‘labiaplasty’, is one of the fastest growing areas of cosmetic surgery. And they don’t even have to advertise. This isn’t women who have anything wrong with their labial lips and they don’t have surgery to improve sensation or pleasure, it can actually impede both. This is the cosmetic clipping of the folds of skin around the vulva. They want this because they, like the young teenage me, have seen the porn magazines where all the women have either been chosen because they have an unusually ‘neat’ shape (i.e. inner labial lips smaller than outer lips or barely visible at all), or because they have had themselves surgically altered for the cameras. The most requested surgery is called the ‘Barbie’ in which labia do not protrude at all. Thus we have another self-perpetuating industry. An irony is that in certain African cultures the inner labia are enlarged and even stretched because it has been noticed that larger inner lips increase the pleasure both for women and for men. In the West women want them chopped off.

  How surgeons justify this I can’t imagine. ‘It’s what she wants,’ they will say to themselves I suppose. A little study on the tantric path could save women money and pain. I’m surprised a number of Harley Street practitioners haven’t had Hilly’s courses shut down as she is losing them business by teaching simple self-acceptance.2

  • • •

  I’ve learnt to stand in my nakedness and to accept my body. I may still be some way from fully celebrating every part of it but I’m glad that I have a body that is healthy and, at the moment my feeling is, beautiful – at least to T. He tells me every day that he finds my various bumps and curves attractive. I can look at other women’s bodies and see beauty. The shape of some women’s breasts makes me want to rush to my life drawing class to draw them. I don’t feel like this about my own body; but neither am I ashamed of it. I don’t love it; but I don’t dislike it either. So here I’m on a kind of middle ground between those who loathe their bodies and those who celebrate the skin they are in fully. Some women can’t be naked. Can we really blame women’s magazines? We have to take responsibility women – both for the way that we could enjoy and celebrate ourselves and for the sake of the men that want to love us.

  Today, after a process that helped us to consider these things and drop some of the nonsense that we carry around, they played Shaina Noll singing ‘How could anyone ever tell you that you’re anything less than beautiful?’3 If you’d like the soundtrack to this part of the workshop, you can download it yourself from iTunes for 99p. If you really want to understand the experience – take off your clothes sometime, look in the mirror and listen to Shaina’s voice until you understand that you’ve somehow been brainwashed into seeing yourself as anything less than perfect, just as you are.

  This may strike you as a little corny but if you choose to take off your clothes in a room of strangers then the core of you that feels very vulnerable needs a little looking after, and if it helps – being sung to. Consider this please: male or female, we have all been influenced by the sales pitches that have to first convince us that there is something wrong with us so that they can profit by bringing us the solution. If necessary go the whole way, take your clothes off, stand in front of a mirror and play the song. Ask yourself – how did I ever get to imagine that I am less than perfect just as I am? If you are unhealthily over- or underweight that’s a little different. It’s good to drop extra weight to be as healthy as you can, and nourish your body sufficiently so it can move, dance and live. But even that doesn’t imply that we aren’t beautiful as we are … just that we need to take notice if we are not looking after our health.

  Today I saw a woman who was what doctors would call ‘overweight’ saying, ‘I love the shape of my breasts; I love my stomach, which I associate with my daughter; I love my legs, they are strong and powerful; I love my arms, they are tender to hold, protect and nurture; I love my hair, it is thick and makes me feel feminine; I love my yoni, it gives me pleasure.’ She was radiant and full of love for herself and for everyone around her. She is a woman who has completed this tantra training and is now back to assist other women. She dresses with celebration and is a joy to behold.

  If more women felt like this about themselves how much happier this would make their men and how much better everyone’s sex lives would be. One of the basics of a good sex life has to be how both partners feel about their own bodies. Sex is dependent on mutual enjoyment and how can a man really enjoy a woman’s body if, every time he tells her that a part of her body is beautiful to him she replies, or even thinks, ‘I don’t agree.’ And all this is, of course, true the other way around. How can a woman love a man who doesn’t appreciate himself? How can she admire a man who doesn’t admire himself? So we are back to the same message that the true journey is with ourselves. Don’t you just hate that? Personal responsibility is so annoying.

  Sometimes this work is surprising. This morning I was kissed in a very affectionate and loving way, on the forehead, by one of the other women. An older woman hasn’t kissed me in that loving way since my mother was alive. And she died when I was 18 years old. Somehow I’d forgotten how tender older women can be. Very slowly I can feel the slight unnamed fear I had of working with a group of women melting away.

  The final exercises of the day I can’t tell you about specifically. The reason that this work is secret is not because there is anything sordid about it – quite the reverse, the work and all the processes are beautiful – but simply they are better experienced than written down on paper and because many would never pluck up the courage to do this work if they knew exactly what was going to happen.

  So let’s just say that if you’ve seen The Vagina Monologues you could probably take an imaginative guess at one of the processes. If you’ve not seen this play it involves performances from true-life recordings made of women who speak what their vaginas would say if they could talk.

  The stories are profound and if, by any chance, you’ve not seen a performance of this award-winning piece of theatre, then I recommend you read the book – or listen to the yonis in the book. I have seen the performance on stage, twice, and while I enjoyed it very much and was impressed, each time, by the courage and conviction of the actresses – never did I stop to think of what my own vagina would say if given a voice. Of what stories she may tell.

  But now I ask her I find she has a voice of her own and she says,

  ‘I have been neglected, ignored, and never, never thanked. You have called me ugly, accused me of not being the right shape. You have told me that I don’t perform the way you like. Although I delivered for you a perfect daughter you have never valued, appreciated, treasured or loved me. T loves me. How is it that he feels more positive about me than you do yourself? He adores me but you are indifferent to me. He wants to be close to me but you don’t care for me. I would like to be enjoyed, not only by T but by you. And I’d like to be drawn.’

  ‘What?’ I say in alarm. ‘You’re kidding me. You’re not the prettiest thing in the world you know.’

  Silence.

  ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t
say that you were ugly. I just didn’t realize that you could possibly want a portrait.’

  ‘To be drawn you have to really look, and you have to let yourself be seen. Ask T if you don’t want to do it. He’d like to draw me I’m sure.’

  ‘You’re right. I think he may be more keen than I am.’

  No one can say I’m not broadminded. I’m having a conversation with my own vulva and letting you listen. Before you condemn me as weird, listen to The Vagina Monologues. Then listen to your own, if you have one – give her a voice and let her talk to you. Well, you thought this book may contain some weird challenges, I guess? If you have a penis you may be well aware of what he has to say to you. And even though a man’s relationship with his penis can sometimes be a complex and troubled one, few men forget them. Many have even given their penis a name. I’ve a friend who calls his ‘Justin’. He always knows what Justin has to say.

  • • •

  By the last day of the workshop I was surprised, as I always am, by the grace and sheer magnificence of my fellow women. If you give women a process – a challenge that is difficult – most women will run at it with courage, almost with wings. We humans are inspirational. Give us a chance and most of us want to move beyond our limitations. Both women and men want to be happy and enjoy our lives to the full. Sometimes when we ‘settle’ for unhappy lives, it’s only because we lack the tools and the know-how to dig out a path to something better. This is what these workshops do. This is what all human potential work does. And while so many in the intelligentsia and the most literate and erudite mock the ‘self-help’ section of the book store … those who read those books are gently helping themselves to ways out of problems, to thinking in new ways and creating better lives.

  When you give people the tools, as Hilly is doing here with us this weekend, people will build better lives for themselves.

  I’m not saying human potential work is easy or that transformation can be achieved in a weekend. But a kind of thawing can begin, a new openness. Women will go away and read some more books, be more attentive to themselves, maybe buy a new dress, throw away some of the old knickers and buy something more beautiful. As these women return to their homes their husbands or partners may notice more light in the eyes, a slightly different posture that is not so apologetic, even a subtle new eagerness between the sheets.

  The next course that I will be doing is much more fun.

  It’s a couples’ weekend. T is full of enthusiastic anticipation.

  Tantric Sex Workshop for Couples

  In the café where I’m writing this I’ve just asked six men a simple question: ‘Who do you think is more interested in sex – men or women?’ Five answer ‘men’, one answers ‘women’. Now that is hardly a large sample of the population but I think their answers reflect the established view that men are more interested in all forms of sex. What is it that we are told by the popular magazines? That men think about sex every seven seconds?

  T arrives. ‘It’s not true at all. I just rode over here on my bike. It was a 25-minute bike ride and I only thought about sex four times.’

  ‘Thank you for that clarification.’ Sigh.

  Women, we are told, rarely think about it at all. During sex we are apparently thinking about shopping or that the ceiling needs painting. Maybe women really do think about sex less often. But this doesn’t mean that women are less interested in sex. If you change the focus from regularity of sexual thoughts to a desire for quality in sexual experience, then the answer is reversed. The men, it seems, think about sex more and want sex more often. The women want quality; they want better sex.

  On the couples’ tantra trainings it is always the women who have dragged the men along – sometimes kicking and screaming. For a man to come to any weekend with the words ‘sex’ and ‘training’ in the same workshop description – he has to be willing to be open to the radical concept that he may have something to learn. For T this is not a problem simply because he is interested in anything and everything that will lead to any variation on ‘more sex’.

  ‘What man wouldn’t want to learn a million ways to please a woman and be pleased by her?’ he asks.

  ‘Sadly, many men.’ I tell him.

  So here we are. Away in the countryside on a weekend called ‘An Invitation to Pleasure – Level One: Desire.’ We are one of six couples and there is the usual range of ages and backgrounds. We have a large private room with a comfortable double bed and a view of fields. The birds are singing outside and I’m singing inside. I’m in a good mood this time. We have a couple running the group. For me it’s very reassuring to have men around. They are our brothers after all and I like the feeling of us learning together.

  Sometimes there are women in the women’s workshops who have had a bad time with men and there can be a feeling of women discovering their sexuality in spite of men. Personally I prefer all of us discovering our strengths, vulnerabilities and weaknesses together.

  I enjoy the range of couples here too. One couple includes a pregnant woman. They have been together some years and are here to enrich the sexual area of their lives at a time when many couples are struggling with it. And she wants to find out how to continue to feel sexy through her pregnancy and as a young mother. They are so loveable I want to wrap them in ribbon and grant all their wishes forever.

  There is an older couple. The woman has done all the women’s workshops and has now brought her terrified husband along. Bless him. There is a pair of young partners who have done every kind of training and have thrown away anything that could be remotely called an inhibition. They are impressive and the rest of us are rather in awe of them. Then there are two other couples, each touching in their own way. And then T and me. I am happy/terrified/excited and T looks like the tomcat who got the cream.

  A couples’ workshop is a lot gentler than the women’s work. The couple running it, Sue Newsome and her partner Martin Hellawell, look very down to earth compared to some of the mystical-looking teachers you sometimes find running workshops of this kind. She describes herself as a ‘short Northerner in her 50s’ and Martin is a ‘tall Southerner in his 60s’. They are not the least intimidating, which is a good thing as they explain that you have to take things slower with men. You remember the word ‘gentlemen’? Ladies and gentle men? And they are, so often, gentle. Anything that involves talking about sex instead of just getting on with it and they are often more scared than women are. So we start gently.

  The first night we consider different ways of being together and apart. Again, it’s such a myth, the idea that men tolerate women’s need for love so that they can have sex and women tolerate the sex so that they can have love. It’s all so much more subtle and complex than that.

  There are many drives to the sexual act. One of them is instinctive biological desire to have sex because it feels good. But there are others. A desire to feel connected? An admiration of someone that is so intense that you just want to rip your clothes off and get as close to them as you possibly can? A co-dependent desire to please the other to win approval? A need for reassurance? A quick and easy cure for your insomnia? A need to get out of the brain and into the body? A desire to have triplets with this person? A list like this could be long. As a starter for our weekend we considered, with various exercises, different ways of being together and apart. I love these processes. There is a memorable passage in Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet, which is sometimes read at weddings, where Gibran writes, in answer to the question ‘Speak to us of marriage’, about the fact that two trees must not lean on each other nor grow, one in the shade of the other but instead each must grow alone with the other beside them. Each with their roots in the earth and their leaves in the sun.

  I’m not sure that Sue and Martin could teach us all everything we need to know about co-dependency and fully functional interdependence in one evening, but to maximize the chance of relationships working we could at least cover the basics. I have always loved the discussion of what makes relati
onships successful. I kept reaching for my notebook to write down the wisdom in précis.

  ‘There need be no drama if our partner can’t meet our desires or requests.’

  ‘I do not need his/her approval.’

  ‘The less attached you are, the more likely you are to get what you want.’

  ‘You can be a king and a queen in your relationship. Neither of you need be a beggar.’

  ‘Please use dental floss.’

  No – they didn’t really mention dental floss. They missed an opportunity there to save many a couple from the divorce courts, I thought.

  I also thought we needed to stop and spend at least a day discussing each of those ideas. How can we base our relationships less on need and more on choice? This, in short, is what makes so many relationships unhappy. They are leaning on each other like Gibran’s first two trees. Sometimes this can work to an extent but more often it leads to feelings of resentment. If a couple have both learnt to live happily alone and instead are choosing to live together – the relationship is not one of dependency but one of choice.

  Sadly, our current society is so obsessed with what psychologists call ‘the romantic myth’ that there are increasingly fewer of us that have ever lived alone. I blame Hollywood. There are relationships where the couple feel unable to be apart – ever. There are adults that have never been to the cinema alone or eaten in a restaurant alone and can’t even endure the sound of the thoughts inside their own heads. Yet we expect others to live with us. And call this love. Ha ha ha.

  Sue and Martin have one evening to explore this with us. Can we thrive and be joyful whether together or apart? There is one simple exercise where we move together and apart across the room. I end up not being sure whether it’s good or bad that I prefer looking at T from across the room. Come in, Dr Freud. But I love the feeling of wanting to walk toward him. Especially when he has the sense not to walk toward me so that I have to move if I want to be closer to him. The most profound learning can come from these simple games.