Sensation

by Isabel Losada

‘Yes. That’s it exactly.’

  • • •

  Later that evening T joins me for dinner. He’s been listening to a friend of his complaining that, ‘Having kids can kill a couple’s sex life for years.’

  Fresh from listening to Alexey we discuss this and why it need not be so. What his friend who had made this complaint had meant is, ‘having kids leaves you no energy or time for all-singing, all-dancing “sensational” sex where huge red fireworks are going off.’ Because of course the fact that one partner could put a hand on the other partner’s skin and send an energetic vibration through them that would feel a little bit like the colour yellow – wouldn’t count. Because noticing that if you rub your finger on someone’s lips it can produce a great feeling in your feet – that doesn’t count. What this couple, whoever they were, had decided was – it had to be pillar-box red or nothing.

  ‘What about white, T?’

  ‘What?’

  And I told him about the other colours.

  ‘Doesn’t a definition of good sex include all the colours?’

  ‘Yes. And I think you’re right. He’s forgotten this. I’ve forgotten it too.’

  We went back to T’s house and nuzzled into his bed for a night of light orange and ochre sex with a sprinkling of blue and a little white.

  The Love, Sex and Intimacy Weekend Fair

  One of the wonderful things about exploring sexuality is that there is always more to learn, more bizarre opportunities. Thankfully, interest in what makes sex work well seems to be on the increase. This autumn, I’m invited to speak at a ‘Love, Sex and Intimacy Fair’ in Brighton. Well, Hove actually. This is a very good excuse for T and me to visit friends and attend interesting events. You just never know what you’re going to learn.

  We arrive on the Saturday morning and, more by luck than good judgement, walk straight into a ‘hands-on’ workshop led by a lusciously curvaceous Rachael McCoy. Rachael is a young mum who has been working with sex toys and teaching workshops of various kinds for seven years. She’ll come to your home and do this event for you and your friends if you ask her nicely.19 She is like a queen wearing a gorgeous red dress and presenting to us in a crimson ‘tantric tent’ that the organizers had created specially with beautiful hangings, rugs and cushions in deep reds and golds. There are about 40 of us piled in; a good gender balance and mostly couples. This is a participatory workshop called ‘Techniques for Him and Techniques for Her’. But – thank God – everyone is keeping their clothes on.

  Rachael gives every woman in the room a life-size ‘erect penis and scrotum’ set made of something rubbery and every man a rubber model with clitoris, vulva with inner and outer lips and vaginal opening, perineum (or ‘geish’ as it’s defined in the Urban Dictionary) and anus. The models look and feel alarmingly lifelike. T has bagged two places at the front.

  ‘Could you all wipe your hands with a medi-wipe? We are going to be touching toys and this is to protect the toys from any dirt that may be on your hands.’

  We clean our hands conscientiously.

  ‘Let’s start with a tip for the women,’ she says while handing round some tubes of lube, all the better to slide with on the demo toy.

  ‘I’m sure you women are already very good at giving men pleasure with your hands …’ she says cheerfully, ‘but here is a new tip to try. The most sensitive part of the man’s penis is the “frenulum”.’ This much I know, although men friends have said that there is no wrong part to stroke. ‘One of the variations on the classic “corkscrew movement” of the hand …’ she says, holding up the lubed penis and rubbing her red nail-varnished hands over the head repeatedly ‘is to change to just using your thumb and second finger and to grip quite firmly. If you would all like to try that ladies?’ She says as if she’s telling us how to apply lipstick.

  ‘Would anyone like any more lube?’

  A couple of men in the tent remove their jackets.

  ‘When you are pleasing your man in this way be sure to be in his eyeshot. Bend over and move your body in a sensual way to add to his pleasure as men are very visual.’ She demonstrates this while continuing to move between the ‘corkscrew’ and the ‘two-finger’ pleasuring method.

  T seems to be looking a little flushed. I see him smile at me.

  ‘And now for the men,’ she says, picking up one of the ‘women’ genital models.

  ‘Men, when you are pleasuring a woman, it’s very important not to dive straight between her legs. Women don’t like this. If you want to give a woman pleasure, it’s good to start with a massage that may be a movement like this that slides your hands down her stomach and onto the inside of her legs. You can also use your whole body.’

  ‘Can someone help me demo this?’

  I volunteer. ‘And your name is?’

  ‘Isabel.’

  ‘OK Isabel, could you lie down on these pillows?’ I oblige. ‘So, men, you would start this massage here on her stomach and then go round her hips and then down her legs. You could keep doing this until she asks you to move to the outer lips.’ She rubs her hands down the inside of my legs and then up over the calves. ‘OK Isabel, you can sit up now. Could you hold the model?’

  I hold up the rubber genitals. ‘It’s a good warm-up to slide all your four fingers over the entire area in a sweeping motion like this.’ She slides her whole hand down in an ‘S’ shape. ‘And then up again with a gentle pushing.’ She makes a figure of eight. ‘There is no direct stimulation of the clitoris but this feels very good for the woman. After this you can use your whole body.’

  Men run their fingers over the models while women smile and watch Rachael performing so brilliantly on women’s behalf.

  ‘Thank you, Isabel.’

  I return to my place obediently. ‘Now – another tip for the women. You’re going to practise a fast hand stimulation of the penis in an up-and-down movement along with slow stroking of the scrotum. Women are often a little afraid of the balls and confused by them because it seems to women that on the one hand they can be quite easily hurt, while during intercourse they can be banging around quite firmly and the man isn’t in any pain. So it’s good to talk to your man about this and find out what is pleasurable for him.’

  ‘Could you hold the model, please?’ T gets up and holds the erect penis against his chest while she demonstrates a fast speed with one hand and slow stroking with the other.

  ‘You can even use your nails gently against his scrotum as many men like this.’ T removes his shirt and only has a tightfitting black T-shirt left. I wonder if that’s coming off next.

  ‘You may like to take your T-shirt off so it doesn’t get any lube on it.’

  T obediently removes his T-shirt, so is now holding the erect penis against his skin. His weekends this year are rarely predictable.

  ‘Yes, that’s very good.’ Rachael looks around the tent approvingly. When you are pleasuring a man with your hands remember you have the option to vary three things: speed, pressure and rhythm. With this movement it may help you to have some kind of music in your head so you have one rhythm for the base stroke and one for the upper stroke.’

  ‘Thank you.’ T sits down and takes out his water bottle.

  ‘Another one for the men,’ she says. The men all lube up again. She shows them how they can move from a sensual rub over the vagina to gently pushing the middle finger forward and entering the woman with one finger or two.

  ‘Always keep the channels of communication open,’ she says, ‘so that the woman can tell you what she enjoys and what she would like more of. Some women like just one finger gently and some women enjoy more than one finger – you really need to find out how to please your woman. Never assume that something pleases her.’

  ‘Now – for the women – about anal stimulation …’ She chatters on.

  ‘Anal stimulation is extremely pleasurable for men – especially if you stimulate the prostate, which is between one-and-a-half and three inches inside the anal canal.’

&
nbsp; I raise my hand and ask, ‘I’ve heard that prostate massage helps prevent prostate cancer?’

  ‘I’ve heard this too but I don’t talk about that as I’m not trained medically. We are just concentrating on pleasure here.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘So, before you begin this, if you worry about faeces then it’s usual to use an anal douche.’ She holds one up. ‘You simply fill it with warm water and douche out the contents to be sure you’re clean. They are easy to get used to.’

  Obviously we’ve all used an anal douche then? Have I lived a very tame life?

  ‘Women, if you put your finger an inch or two down the anal canal you will find a round bulb of tissue – this is the prostate and you massage it using a “come here” motion with your finger.’

  I contemplate all this uncertainly. I’ve massaged lovers externally and played around a bit with a finger or two but never attempted a real and focused prostate massage.

  T leans over and whispers, ‘I once endured this “treatment” from a male doctor when my prostate was inflamed. It was complete agony.’

  ‘Perhaps it wouldn’t be agony if it wasn’t inflamed,’ I whisper back.

  Rachael continues her talk as if she were discussing garden flowers. ‘This kind of massage is likely to give a man a more intense orgasm than he is likely to have experienced through penetration.’

  ‘Do you want to try?’ I whisper to T.

  ‘I’m not sure – maybe.’

  ‘One last thing I’d like to talk about,’ she smiles. ‘Smacking.’

  ‘If one of you would like to bend over? I need a volunteer. You again, sir.’ She points at T.

  ‘Do I have to take my clothes off?’ he asks, perhaps a little eagerly.

  ‘No – sorry. But bend over.’ She bends him over her knee.

  ‘Ladies – there are different ways to smack depending on what kind of pain you’d like to produce. Obviously, none of this pain is severe – but it can sting a bit and lots of couples like it as a warm-up. You can slap using the full flat of your hand like this.’ She slaps him cheerfully. ‘Or you can cup your hand and slap him like this ...’

  Slap. Slap.

  And what did you feel, Isabel, to see her slapping your boyfriend’s butt? Well, he’s clothed, so I think it’s fun. I can’t see T’s face so I’m not sure whether he’s enjoying it or not, but I’m guessing he is. And even if he isn’t – it’s another experience.

  ‘Now – the other way around.’

  ‘Men, if you bend your women over?’ There were no chairs so we were all standing at this point. I bend over and get slapped. My inner child isn’t too happy about this. ‘But I haven’t done anything naughty,’ I complain. ‘Oh, I’m sure you must have done something bad,’ he smiles. Slap.

  It doesn’t really hurt but it’s decidedly undignified. Oh, for heaven’s sake, I used to get up to these antics when I was 19 – along with dressing up in my school uniform for my then boyfriend’s enjoyment. But I feel a little bit beyond all this now.

  ‘How do you feel about slapping?’ T asks me.

  ‘There are other things I’d rather try.’

  ‘That’s OK – we don’t have to like all of this.’

  ‘One final demo that works for men or women,’ Rachael says. ‘If you are going to demo this one you’ll have to take your T-shirt off again,’ she says to T.

  I had promised this man, when he started this, that the experience may involve many emotions but that boredom would never be one of them. It appears I’m keeping my word.

  ‘Oh, if you insist,’ he says, stripping to his jeans.

  ‘I just don’t want to get lube on your clothes. If you could lie down here?’

  It’s generous of T to sacrifice himself for us all, isn’t it?

  ‘If your partner is orgasmic …’ she says to us as she steps over him, ‘… if he has come it feels really good if you massage him afterwards, like this.’ She runs her flattened hands up from the top of his trousers and down over his arms. ‘It helps your lover take the energy and integrate it into his entire body more.’

  T lies with his eyes closed, grinning. I can see that postcoital massage is going to be on his request list from now on.

  ‘And it will be a more complete experience for a woman if you give her this kind of attention, men. Instead of falling asleep.’

  OK – and mine too.

  ‘And that’s “Techniques for Him and Techniques for Her”.’

  We all applaud with genuine admiration. What a sparky, gutsy, sexy, sassy lady Rachael is.

  ‘If we get together a group of couples, could you visit a home to do this demo?’ asks T. ‘Yes – just visit my website.’

  T puts his clothes on again. Everyone is surprisingly clothed at this fair.

  The next session we choose is about ‘Getting Intimate with Your Beloved’. I’d thought it might be good for us to attend as it may help to address some of the difficulties we are experiencing in our relationship. But when we get there it’s like ‘Relating 101’ – the first process is about looking into each other’s eyes. There’s nothing wrong with what they’re teaching – it’s the pace at which they’re teaching. And the voice. I could hear my daughter in my ear saying, ‘Oh God, it’s the Mystic Meg voice.’ You know when people in the spiritual or tantra world speak as if everyone was a client? ‘How does this make you FEEL?’ [pause before the F-word to add an inappropriate level of stress to anything to do with emotion]. Then they tell us how, if you find yourself in a ‘bad place’ with your partner you can ask to ‘express an appreciation’. Again, it’s a lovely concept but I whispered in T’s ear, ‘If you can ever see that I’m in a bad mood and you ask whether you can “express an appreciation”, I must warn you that you may be told to fuck off.’

  ‘Why not just say something nice rather than ask if you can “express an appreciation” first?’ he whispers to me.

  ‘It’s supposed to be respectful.’

  After we’d done some looking into each other’s eyes and repeating, ‘Something I love about you is ...’ about 20 times each, they move on to creating a ‘special time’ for yourselves. We find a moment when people are moving about to grab our shoes, escape the tent and go and explore The Great Wall of Vagina.

  The artist Jamie McCartney has made a wall of plaster casts of women’s vulvas and a number of the pieces are being exhibited here. Rows and rows of what women look like between the legs, in plaster. Punters are staring. I know I’ve spoken about this before but women simply have no idea what other women look like and many women don’t even know what they look like themselves. We are all surprised by the variety and Jamie confirms this.

  ‘Every woman is amazed when she sees the wall,’ he says.

  ‘Women of all ages and sizes think that they are different from normal but, as you see here, there is no normal. Every woman is “normal”.’

  ‘I never knew inner lips could be that big,’ says a woman pointing at one cast.

  ‘I didn’t know outer lips could be that big,’ the man beside her points at another.

  Meanwhile a mother is here with her little girl – who must be aged about eight. They’re looking at the wall and talking about them all. ‘I wish I’d seen this when I was that age,’ I say to Jamie. ‘Then I’d have known all my life that I was normal instead of thinking there was something a bit odd about my shape.’

  ‘I’ve heard this from so many women,’ Jamie said. ‘Which of these is the most “normal” do you think?’

  ‘The one there with very little inner lips?’

  ‘But most women have protruding inner lips.’

  ‘I can see that.’

  Since T and I have been OMing he could probably match mine to one more closely than I could.

  ‘I think this work is fantastic, Jamie. And beautiful. It deserves a special exhibition at Tate Modern. This work is important. This could save some women from having unnecessary operations. Why aren’t you at the Tate?’

  �
��You have to be invited, Isabel. No one’s invited me.’

  ‘Well, they should have.’

  It takes a while to shift my brain from ‘that one’s weird’ to ‘this shows variations on a part of the human body’. If they were faces everyone would see beauty, but after looking for a while I see beauty here too. I think I know lots of people who couldn’t look at this art though. Art that challenges the way I see and alters my perceptions.

  I’m really impressed. Weird, huh? If you want to look for yourself or have a cast made of your own vulva lips for a lover – you can arrange this with Jamie and he’ll make you one.20 You weren’t expecting that Christmas gift suggestion were you?

  In the evening, my ego’s delighted to have a full house for my own talk. I’m speaking about one of my previous books, Men! This book addresses the well-known sociological phenomenon that we all know many single women but have very few single male friends to introduce them to. Many women mix in social circles that are exclusively female and feel lonely not only for lovers but for brothers and even male friends. I explain to my audience how and why this has happened. It’s a fun presentation that I did for a year and I always enjoy a live audience and the privilege of making people laugh. I also tell them what I didn’t know when I wrote that book but which I know now. One place where men will always be found is in any event, seminar or workshop in the positive sex or conscious sex movement. Even the audience I address there, for perhaps the first time in my career, is 50% male. So women readers, if you want to find lovers, go to anywhere that looks at taking responsibility for your sexuality. You’ll find men there.

  • • •

  On Sunday morning, I escape the book stall with only a British Museum book Haiku on Love; weave my way carefully past the ‘Raw Chocolate’ stall’21 and sample the raw ginger, coconut, orange and cardamom chocolate; breathe in the gorgeous scents of Haskel Adamson’s Neroli and Rose women’s massage oil22 (and buy that for me and Sandalwood and Vetiver men’s massage oil for T) before joining T for coffee.

  We sit and look at the people there. It’s mainly an alternative crowd. Some of the people who are offering body-painting, permanent make-up or fetish clothing are displaying the products themselves. But there’s also a range of more everyday-looking singles and couples aged from their early 20s to early 70s that are sitting around chatting.