Sara smiled over at her friend and whispered, "She is so adorable, Ryan. She’s just precious."
No matter how uncomfortable Ryan felt in this situation, she was touched by the pleasure Sara was obviously getting from playing with Caitlin. The smile that lit up her old friend’s face was infectious, and Ryan returned it full-force. As a thin string of drool left Caitlin’s mouth, Ryan leaned over and whispered, "Do you want me to take her? She can get a little heavy–and a little messy."
"After all those years of lugging law books around? I can handle a little wisp like this," Sara scoffed with a dismissive grin. "And a little spit never hurt anyone."
Caitlin continued to snooze through the middle of the Mass and Ryan was actually able to pay attention for the first time since they had been coming to church with the baby. Caitlin liked to go to the sanctuary with the other kids for the Eucharistic Prayer, which was fast approaching, but since she was so sound asleep Ryan thought it wise to allow her to continue her nap. But just a few minutes before the prayer began, she woke up with a start and looked around in a daze. Once she caught sight of Ryan she was fine, and when the kids began running up the aisle, she wanted to be a part of it. "She likes to go up with the other kids. Want me to take her?" Ryan asked, thinking that Sara would likely not feel comfortable going up with them.
"She seems perfectly happy now," Sara said. "Why don’t I just keep her? Besides, it’ll be fun. I haven’t been up there since I was an acolyte."
As they settled in with the big crowd, Ryan noticed that they were the only same sex couple, but she thought it was a good thing for her fellow parishioners to see. She met and held Father Pender’s slightly concerned glance, but Sara didn’t seem to notice it since she was focused on Caitlin.
Father Pender began the long prayer, with Caitlin babbling along in her usual indecipherable language. She would occasionally make a loud point, but she kept it down when Ryan patiently shushed her. Caitlin seemed to really like being in Sara’s arms since she could see Ryan more clearly from there. Occasionally, the baby would reach out and pat her face, or lean over to pucker up for a kiss, but she seemed to prefer being held by Sara.
As the prayer was completed the priest offered them all the sign of peace, and the people moved from person to person shaking hands and kissing cheeks. Sara gave Caitlin a kiss and then leaned over to kiss Ryan. Prudently turning her head to present a cheek to Sara, Ryan then accepted a big wet one from Caitlin. Each adult moved a few feet in each direction, shaking hands with the others surrounding them, but as they moved away, Caitlin started to feel a little insecure. She started to fuss in Sara’s arms as she tried to get Ryan’s attention. Sara was busy greeting the others, so Caitlin finally took matters into her own small hands, choosing that moment to clearly speak her first words. "Da Da!" she shouted as she held her arms out to Ryan, a fiercely determined look covering her small features. Turning around in amazement, Ryan reached out and took the baby, giving her a comforting hug, as everyone around the altar tried to suppress their laughter. Ryan blushed deeply until her excitement at being the object of Caitlin’s first words overtook her embarrassment.
As they walked back to their seats, Sara companionably slid her arm around Ryan’s waist in a gesture that they had shared since they were in grammar school. There was something so reassuring and familiar about her touch that Ryan felt a little weak in the knees. Involuntarily, she flashed on what her life would be like if Sara had accepted her love seven years before. She guessed that if they were still together, they might very well have a baby of their own by this point. If they had focused on career over family, Ryan would just have finished her second year of graduate or medical school, since she would not have had the two-year hiatus after high school. Her head spun with the imagined possibilities and the reality of what had actually happened. Sara was sitting very close to her in order to satisfy Caitlin’s wishes to touch them both at once, and Ryan kept getting a whiff of her delicate scent. I don’t think I can be around this woman, she thought to herself, feeling her head shake in dismay. I’m unable to control my thoughts and stay in the present when I’m with her.
Mass ended while this jumble of thoughts was playing in her head, and Ryan suddenly felt Caitlin tumble back into her lap, nearly dropping the baby when her hands didn’t react as quickly as normal. "Hey, are you okay?" Sara asked, placing her hand on Ryan’s shoulder.
Shaking her head briskly, Ryan managed to say, "Yeah. Fine. I’m just a little preoccupied today, what with Jamie coming home."
"When is she due back?"
Ryan groaned audibly, checking her watch as she muttered, "not for two and a half more hours. I guess I need to go run the hills to take my mind off of waiting."
"Why don’t we pass some of that time by having lunch together?" Sara asked, cocking her head in question. "I have a feeling that you’ve been a busy girl while I’ve been away. Knowing you, you’ve interviewed every member of your class from Sacred Heart."
Ryan mind was so slow that it took her a minute to understand what her friend was talking about. Away? She’s been away? Oh, right! She went on vacation after the bar exam. As the seconds ticked away, she realized that she had to give Sara an answer, but she was having an internal dialogue that was driving her to distraction. I shouldn’t be alone with her…I told Jamie that I wouldn’t see her! Yes, another side of her brain reminded her, but Jamie told you that you were free to see Sara or anyone else that you wanted. She specifically said that she did not want to police your interactions with other people.
Sara’s open, inquisitive gaze had never left her face, and Ryan finally found her own head nodding hesitantly. "I’d like to have lunch. As you surmised, I’ve got a lot to tell you."
"Wow, nice ride, Ryan," Sara said appreciatively as they walked up to the Lexus.
Ryan looked a little sheepish as she admitted, "Jamie bought it for me."
Sara stopped in her tracks as she stared at her friend. "She bought it for you?"
"Yeah. Jamie’s the heir to a very substantial fortune," she said simply, shrugging her shoulders a little, deciding that if she was going to reinstate her friendship with Sara she had to try to be as open with her as she had always been.
"God, I know her dad makes a lot of money, but this is a very big gift. Not that I don’t think you’re worth it, of course," she amended with a laugh.
"Thanks," Ryan smiled, blushing a little. "Her mom really has the big bucks, but Jamie does have money of her own, too. It’s kind of a sore subject for me, Sara. We’re having some financial issues right now because of a number of things."
"Hmm, I guess there are worse problems, but knowing you, I can see how having a girlfriend with tons of dough would be difficult." She placed her hand on Ryan’s back as she said, "I bet it drives you mad when people think you’re with her for her money, right?"
"Just a little," Ryan chuckled, deciding that she should not reveal who her main tormentor was since Sara would soon be working for Jim’s firm.
"I would never think that of you, Ryan. Actually, I’m a little surprised that you let yourself fall for a rich woman."
Ryan laughed gently, shaking her head at the memory. "I didn’t let myself, Sara. I thought we were just friends–and then one day…bang! I was in looooove." She adopted her best lovesick expression, rolling her eyes at her own naïveté.
"Well, you certainly seem happy," Sara commented thoughtfully as she got into the back with the baby.
"I am," Ryan said decisively. "I feel more optimistic about the future than I ever have."
"You’re the most optimistic person I’ve ever known!" Sara threw her head back and laughed heartily. "You must be off the scale now, then!"
"That’s a safe bet," Ryan smiled, pointing the car down the hill to the business district of 24th St.
"Where are we headed?" Sara asked.
"Caitlin has worn out her welcome at most places in the neighborhood, but there are still a couple that don’t know her reputatio
n. I think we should exploit one of those."
Sara and Caitlin were chattering away nonstop during the short ride, and Ryan couldn’t help but grin at them when she looked into the rear view mirror. "I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around children," Ryan observed. "You’re really a natural."
"Thanks," Sara replied with a blush. "I hope I can have kids some day, but I wouldn’t consider it if I didn’t have a partner." She looked rather glum as she added, "I’ve got a long way to go before I’m in that position, though."
"So what are you doing home?" Ryan asked with forced brightness, changing the subject entirely.
"Well, I haven’t been home in a while. I thought it would be nice to spend a little time with my parents before I start my job tomorrow."
"Boy, I’m obviously still in student-mode," Ryan laughed. "When you said that I thought, ‘But it’s still August! Vacation’s not over yet!’ "
Sara looked a little wistful, staring out of the car window for a moment as she said, "Those days are over, Ryan. I become a full-fledged adult tomorrow."
Ryan looked in the rear view mirror, catching the resigned look on her friend’s face. "You could run away and join the circus," she suggested playfully, pleased when Sara met her eyes in the mirror and gave her a gentle smile.
"If I was going to join the circus, I should have done it before I spent three years in law school and had to sit for that wretched exam," she smirked. "That was just poor planning on my part."
"How do you think it went?" Ryan asked.
"Who knows?" she replied lightly. "I’ll find out on Thanksgiving weekend. I’m just going to assume I passed and deal with it later if I didn’t."
"I’m sure you did fine," Ryan assured her, knowing that Sara would have focused all of her energies to insure her success on the bar exam.
As usual, there was no parking anywhere on 24th St., so Ryan drove back to her house and put the car in the garage. It took a while to arrange all of the things they needed for the short walk, but they were finally on their way.
The day was warm and bright, and both women slipped on their sunglasses as they walked along. They had traveled only a few feet when Sara asked, "We haven’t spoken about the day I came to your house, Ryan. I didn’t cause too much trouble for you, did I?"
Ryan debated only moments before she decided to be completely honest with her old friend. "I’m happy to talk about it," she said quietly. "Are you sure you want to?"
"Yes," Sara replied firmly. "I’d like to know where I stand."
"It’s really complicated, Sara," she admitted. "Seeing you was both wonderful and terrible for me. It really made me feel great to learn that you did not betray me. I mean, I felt seven years of pain just float away when I learned that," she said with a gentle smile. "It really meant a lot to me."
"But?" Sara led her.
"But it hurt Jamie a great deal and introduced some doubt into her mind that wasn't there before. I’m afraid that’s going to take a very long time to heal."
Sara slowed her pace, looking slightly stunned as she asked, "What did you tell her?"
"I told her everything," Ryan said, as though that should be obvious.
"God, Ryan, you didn’t have to tell her everything! She didn’t need to know that we kissed!"
Ryan stopped and stared at her for a moment. "I do need to tell her everything, Sara," she said evenly. "I’m building a life with Jamie. Honesty is the foundation of that life. I told her about how we started to kiss…" Ryan gazed into the warm brown eyes that blinked up at her while she struggled to decide how much to reveal. Thinking back on all of the pain Sara had caused her by hiding the truth, she made a decision. Resting one hand on Sara’s shoulder, Ryan faced her and admitted, "I told Jamie the absolute truth. I told her that I didn’t want you to stop."
Sara emitted a startled gasp, her hand reflexively rising to cover Ryan’s, where it still rested on her shoulder. "I…I thought that..."
"No, Sara. I wanted to keep going. I wanted you to touch me just like I touched you seven years ago. I had to be honest with her. Jamie would know if I kept something like that from her."
Caitlin chose that moment to start wailing, and a quick visual confirmed that a diaper change was immediately required. They were less than a block from her home, so Ryan asked, "Do you mind if I take her home and change her?"
"No…no, of course not," Sara said mechanically. "I’ve uh…kinda lost my appetite, anyway."
They backtracked in silence, Ryan’s last statement hanging over their heads. When they reached the house, Sara stayed on the deck, allowing Duffy to wildly greet her while Ryan took care of business.
When she emerged from the house, Sara was sitting down, staring out onto the street with unseeing eyes. Ryan sat opposite her, bouncing the baby on her knee. She stared at her friend until the dark brown eyes lifted to meet and hold her gaze. "I uh…I had no idea, Ryan," Sara murmured. "I just assumed that you didn’t want to…" she trailed off helplessly, a look of stark pain on her face.
"Sara," Ryan said softly, her eyes reflecting the pain that Sara felt. "I spent my entire senior year playing that night over and over in my mind, wondering what I had done to make you accept my touch and then turn on me. It never, ever made sense to me." A few tears slid down her face, and Sara reached for the baby to allow Ryan to wipe them away. "It made me question everything," she whispered, trying to hold the onslaught of emotion at bay. "My faith, my judgment, my love for others…everything!" Ryan got up from her chair and went to the railing, leaning on it as she continued. "Allowing you to touch me when you were at my house would have been a healing balm for my soul." Her shoulders slumped as her body shook with her tears, the years of hurt and pain flooding her.
"But you couldn’t do that to Jamie," Sara supplied, knowing that was the answer.
"I will never intentionally hurt her," Ryan said, the ferocity in her voice causing Sara to unconsciously shrink back from her. "It hurt her to know the truth, but our relationship is based on honesty, Sara. I have to be honest with her."
Getting up from her chair, Sara stood next to Ryan, reached down and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tight. Her voice was slow and deliberate, and for the first time she sounded like a much older woman. "Does anybody need that much honesty, Ryan?"
"She asked me, and I had to tell her. I’d do anything not to hurt her, but I also can never lie to her. It’s…been hard," she admitted softly.
"I guess that means she’d be too upset to allow us to try and be friends again, huh?"
"It’s not that," Ryan said quickly. "She’s very understanding, and I know she’d support me in anything I tried to do. I don’t think it’s a good idea to see you again, Sara. For me, not for Jamie," she added softly.
Sara looked crestfallen as she gazed at Ryan through pain-filled eyes. "I understand," she said as her lower lip began to tremble. "I was asking a lot to expect you to forgive me. I can just walk home from here," she added as she handed the baby to Ryan and turned to walk away.
"No, no!" Ryan grabbed her arm. "That’s not it. The problem is just the opposite," she explained. "I was really in love with you, Sara," she said fervently. "I really believed that you loved me too."
"I did, Ryan," she said, grabbing her hand again.
Ryan shook her head to stop Sara from defending herself. "When everything happened, my feelings didn’t just go away. In a way, they got stuck right there. I knew I could never have you, but it didn’t really change the way I felt about you. I hated what you did, but I couldn’t hate you. Do you understand that?"
"Yes, I think I do," she said as she gripped Ryan’s hand a little tighter.
"So I fumbled through the next seven years, never falling in love again, until Jamie, of course. Then you tell me that everything was different than what I had believed. You didn’t betray me--you loved me then and you still love me now! I fell in love with Jamie thinking that what I felt for you could never be returned. But you’ve shown me that we could resurrect
that love and be together, and the prospect of that is just too tempting for me, Sara."
Sara fell into Ryan’s arms and started to cry uncontrollably, the puzzled baby nestled between their bodies. Ryan did her best to comfort her, but she was terribly sad also. She stroked Sara’s hair and murmured soothing words to her as she continued to cry. "I’ve never regretted anything in my life more than listening to my mother when she tried to convince me that I wasn’t like you," she sobbed.
"I know, I know," Ryan said softly as she continued to comfort her. "But you did, and it’s over now, Sara…it has to be. I’m committed to Jamie. I want to be committed to Jamie. I love her very much, and she loves me just as much. I will not do anything to jeopardize our relationship. It means far too much to me," she said vehemently as the tears began anew.
"So there’s no chance for us?" Sara asked shakily, despair in her voice.
"No. There’s no chance at all. I’m going to be with Jamie for the rest of my life." The look on Ryan’s face told Sara everything that she needed to know about her commitment.
"But what if…I mean, I know it’s not likely, but what if you and Jamie…?"
Ryan’s head was shaking rapidly, even while Sara was completing her statement. "No," she said firmly, her voice cracking with emotion. "It has to be over between us, Sara. We had our chance. It’s time to move on…for both of us."
"But Ryan," she sobbed. "If you really loved me…"
Silencing her first love with a gentle squeeze of her shoulder, Ryan slowly shook her head; her face composed, but determined. "I did love you, Sara, but loving Jamie has shown me a level of love and commitment that I didn’t know existed. I…I could never go back to how I felt about you, Sara. It…it obviously wasn’t enough."
Fidelity - SF6 Page 32