"But Ryan, I swear you’re all I’ve thought of for the past seven years! Every time another woman kisses me, I see your face–I feel your lips. It’s your hands that touch me, your body that moves against mine…"
Nearly overcome with empathy for her friend, Ryan spoke the truth, even though she knew it was more painful to hear than it was to say. "That may be, Sara. You may dream of me, you may wish that we could be together. But you didn’t have the guts to make a phone call for seven long years. You couldn’t write one letter to me…one paragraph…one sentence…telling me how you felt. I hate to say this–it kills me to say this--but I have to be honest with you, Sara. I could never trust you enough to love you–even if Jamie didn’t exist. I would always fear that you’d give up on us if things got to be too difficult."
Sobbing freely, Sara asked the obvious question. "How do you know that Jamie can be trusted?"
Smiling softly, Ryan said, "She’s willing to give up anything to be with me, Sara. She’d give up her family, her friends, her wealth. She’s completely dedicated to me and to our relationship. I know that in my heart and in my soul. It’s a bone-deep confidence, born of the sacrifices she’s already made."
"Okay," she sniffed, standing tall and squaring her shoulders. She shook her head to settle her hair, and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. "I can accept that, Ryan. I won’t try to contact you again."
"No, that’s not necessary," Ryan replied as she draped her arm around her shoulders. "Just because that phase of our relationship is over is no reason to think we can’t be friends again, Sara. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for me to see you alone. I really think we both need some time to mourn the loss of our what could have been. When the sexual and emotional tension has died down I’d love to get to know you again." A wide smile settled onto Ryan’s face as she said, "I didn’t just fall in love with you because I wanted to sleep with you, you know. I loved your personality and your energy. I’m sure that Jamie would like you if she got to know you, too. So let’s give it some time and see how things go." Ryan cocked her head slightly and asked, "Do you know what I’d really like?"
"Tell me," Sara urged.
"I’d love for you to find someone to settle down with. I’d love to be able to hang out together–as couples. I truly don’t want it to be over between us, Sara, but my obligation is to my partner."
Sara nodded slowly, obviously still fighting her tears. "I understand," she said softly.
"Hey, why don’t we walk down the street and have a little lunch?" Ryan asked. "I’ll be grouchy if I don’t get a little food soon."
"Umm…okay," she said, looking a little confused. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I’m sure," Ryan assured her. "We’ve got Caitlin here to chaperone us."
Sara laughed in spite of herself, shaking her head at Ryan’s ability to see the humor in every situation. "Let me rinse my face off first, okay? I’m sure I look a mess."
Ryan waited outside while Sara freshened up, and a few minutes later they took off. As they walked down the street, Sara rested her head on Ryan’s shoulder and asked wistfully, "Why is it that the qualities that make you so lovable are the very ones that keep me from being with you?"
Ryan assumed the question was rhetorical, so she just turned her head slightly and placed a light kiss on the soft chestnut hair. This feels too good…too comfortable…too right, Ryan decided. I will not invite this kind of temptation into my life. "I’ve gotta switch Caitlin to my other arm," she lied, trying to get Sara to move away. "A week of volleyball took a lot out of the old serving arm."
Sara complied with her implied request, and they walked the rest of the way with a respectable distance between them.
Through the longish wait for a table and the extended lunch, Ryan shared the entire story of her discoveries about the events of her senior year. By the end of the meal, they were finishing each other’s sentences just like they had always done, and each woman was significantly more relaxed with the other than when the day had begun.
On the walk home, Ryan asked, "Did you have a good time on your trip?"
"Ehhh." Sara shrugged, looking slightly annoyed. "It was okay. My friends spent the entire ten days trying to hook me up with nearly every guy between the ages of 18 and 60, but other than that, I guess I enjoyed myself."
Ryan just nodded, deciding that Sara probably didn’t really want to hear her thoughts on the easy way to solve that complaint. But Sara clearly knew what Ryan was thinking, and she asked, "You think I’m a big chicken, don’t you?"
"Umm…well, umm…I don’t know if ‘chicken’ is the right word."
"What is, Ryan?" There was a decided challenge in Sara’s tone, and Ryan sensed that she really wanted an honest answer.
"Well, let me ask you a few questions. Is there any doubt in your mind that you’re gay?"
"No," Sara said decisively. "I’ve dated nearly every guy that any of my friends fixes me up with, and I’ve never felt a bit of sexual attraction for any of them. I’m definitely a lesbian."
"Okay…is there any compelling reason that keeps you from telling people who you are?"
"You mean like, do I fear for my life or something?" Sara gave Ryan a puzzled glance, furrowing her brow a little as she did.
"Well, that would be a big one," Ryan laughed. "But I meant things like having your parents withdraw their financial support or something like that."
"No, nothing. Especially not now that I’m through with school."
Ryan nodded slowly, pursing her lips as she pondered her friend’s earlier question. "Then I guess chicken is the right word," she said decisively, tempering her pronouncement with a fond smile.
"I think so, too," Sara said, looking glum. "I’ve been telling myself that there’s no need to come out until I find someone that I want to be with, but I think I’m using that as an excuse."
"It’s a pretty common one," Ryan agreed. "But, in a way, it’s easier if you do it when you’re single. Then your partner doesn’t become the hate object."
"Personal experience, Ryan?" Sara asked, looking concerned.
"A bit," she agreed. "Jamie’s dad is not one of my fans."
"Give him time," Sara urged. "No one can resist your charms for long." She gave Ryan a look filled with so much love and admiration that the taller woman felt the fluttering in her stomach again, and had to look away.
When they approached the O’Flaherty house, Ryan stood on the lowest step with Caitlin, sending the clear message that she did not want Sara to come into the house to say goodbye. They stood facing each other, both a little uncomfortable. Sara let out a sigh and gently patted Ryan’s cheek. "Take care of yourself, Siobhán," she said with a heartbreakingly sad expression on her face. She started to move forward, caught herself, then tentatively asked, "Can I kiss you goodbye?"
"How about a hug?" Ryan demurred, as she slid an arm around Sara’s trim waist.
"I would never refuse a hug from you," she whispered in her ear as she held on tight.
"I’ll never refuse to give you one," Ryan promised, and Sara knew that it was a promise that she could depend on.
Releasing Ryan, Sara backed up a little and addressed Caitlin, "Don’t let her get you into too much trouble this week, Little Bits." Ryan heard her voice break and saw the tears start to flow again, but Sara straightened her shoulders and walked up the sidewalk with a purposeful gait.
Part 13
As they drove along on the way to the airport Ryan chatted excitedly with her young companion. "Do you know where we’re going, Munchkin? We’re going to get Jamie! Yes, Jamie! Do you miss her as much as I do?"
Caitlin caught Ryan’s excitement and shrieked so loudly as she banged away on her car seat that Ryan feared her eardrums would burst. How stupid am I? I’m alone with the baby in the back seat, and I’m intentionally trying to whip her into a frenzy! The little girl could just reach the door panel with her foot and she kicked it for all she was worth during the 30-minute drive, her s
tamina simultaneously pleasing and vexing her cousin. Ryan had nothing to offer as an alternative, so the banging continued unabated for long miles. Okay, first lesson of parenthood, Ryan thought, Never get in a car alone with a child. That should be easy enough to accomplish, she thought wryly.
When they arrived at the airport it was just 12:30, giving her at least 30 minutes to get to the gate. She checked Caitlin’s diaper and gave her a quick change just to make sure she was fresh smelling for her beloved Jamie. Grabbing a biscotti for a snack, they made their way to the terminal.
After sailing through security they were still 20 minutes early, so Ryan decided to spend the time freshening up. Ducking into a gift shop, she bought a travel toothbrush, managing to keep Caitlin’s grasping hands from snagging any of the brightly colored items near the cash register. The restroom was equipped with a wide, sturdy, pullout changing table, and Ryan sat the baby on the surface while she brushed her teeth. Of course, Caitlin begged to get into the act, so as soon as Ryan finished with her own, they spent ten minutes brushing Caitlin’s mostly illusory choppers. When they were finished, the toothpaste covered her round face more than her teeth, but she'd had a very good time, so both of the cousins were happy. Giving the babe a kiss on her minty fresh cheek, Ryan pulled out her comb and tried to create some order with the flyaway strands of white-blonde hair. She finally wet her hands and slicked down every recalcitrant piece, giving the baby a wet but neat look. After carefully combing her own hair to remove all of the tangles that Caitlin had so meticulously put in it, they were ready to go.
A bored voice was announcing the flight's arrival just as they walked into the waiting area and they went over to the window to watch the huge 767 roll up to the gate. Ryan was so nervous that she babbled constantly to the baby, explaining that Jamie and her mommy were on the plane, but Caitlin was much more interested in slapping her own reflection in the window and screaming at the top of her lungs.
When the gate attendant opened the double doors, Ryan jumped into the air a few times to see over the assembled crowd. Her heart was racing and it nearly exploded in her chest when she spotted Jamie’s blonde head bobbing down the jet-way. There were only three people in front of her, and Ryan briefly wondered how many people her lover had knocked over to get out so quickly, but when those bright green eyes locked onto hers like a pair of heat-seeking guided missiles, every other thought evaporated.
Every other person faded away as the small but determined woman pushed through the crowd, the widest grin imaginable on her face. Ryan gave her a megawatt smile in return, and as the baby caught sight of Jamie she started to shriek, jumping wildly in Ryan’s arms. Jamie trotted the 20 feet or so that separated them, opening her arms to Caitlin, who was leaning so far forward in Ryan’s arms that she was on the verge of falling. Her little arms were stretched as far as they could go and she grunted loudly in frustration, trying to reach Jamie.
Caitlin’s shrieks of joy could be heard throughout the entire terminal when her wish was finally granted and she was enveloped in Jamie’s warm embrace. The taller blonde swung her around in a little circle, then raised her to her face and kissed her cheeks, as she allowed the baby to bestow her patented open-mouthed kiss/sucks.
Ryan was struggling with her desire to elbow the baby out of the way, but she somehow managed to control herself. She was almost startled to look up and see Catherine standing beside her partner, a look of sheer delight on the older woman’s face. "My God, Jamie, she looks just like you!" she exclaimed.
Turning to her mother, Jamie gave her a pleading look and asked, "Would you hold her for a minute? If I don’t kiss Ryan in the next two seconds I’m gonna spontaneously combust!"
It was hard to tell who looked more shocked by that statement, but an impartial judge would likely have awarded the prize to Catherine. Her big brown eyes grew very round and she took an involuntary step back. Her arms had dropped to her sides, and she looked like she had been asked to hold a pipe bomb, but she rallied for her daughter and extended both hands tentatively.
The look on her face was nearly comical, but she did her best to accept the equally hesitant bundle. Pausing a second to make sure Caitlin would tolerate the handoff, Jamie turned back to her partner and launched herself right into her arms, causing Ryan to let out a startled "ooof" when their bodies impacted.
Shimmering green eyes looked up into Ryan’s as Jamie begged, "Kiss me like you missed me."
Her wish was immediately granted as Ryan tossed her inhibitions aside, dipping her head as she slid her arms tightly around her lover’s torso, lifting her slightly off her feet. Ryan’s eyes fluttered closed as she paused for just a breath, her lips mere millimeters from their goal. As much as she needed to kiss her partner, she needed to feel her breath on her cheek and her solid warmth in her arms. The sensations were so overpowering that her knees nearly buckled, but she focused and placed her lips against Jamie’s, tasting her sweetness, feeling the heat of her skin, and reveling in the reassuring familiarity of their bodies pressed tightly together.
As the kiss progressed, Ryan could feel her brain give up all volitional control of her body. A distant voice told her that they were in a very public place and that Jamie’s mother was standing nearby, but she could not force her very happy body to give up one second of this delicious gift. The blood was pounding in her veins, and she could feel it rushing to her head as a wave of dizziness descended over her. Lowering her partner to the ground, Ryan tried to pull back but Jamie held her tight, refusing to give up an inch of her possession.
Ryan finally pulled her head away to take a breath, but Jamie grasped her face with both hands and held it tightly while she kissed all over her mouth and chin with delicate little butterfly kisses, the sensations too compelling to stop.
Warm hands caressed her back, reassuring Jamie with their soft touch. Finally releasing Ryan, Jamie dropped her forehead, where it rested upon Ryan’s as they took in a deep collective breath.
As her brain started to exert some control, Ryan lifted her head to see Catherine standing at the window, pointing things out to a very interested Caitlin. The baby was munching on Catherine’s heavy gold pendant, and both females looked very content to be in each other’s company.
Ryan grasped Jamie’s hand and walked the short distance, giving Catherine a broad smile.
She was unsure of how to greet the older woman, extending first a hand, then leaning forward a little for a kiss. Catherine sensed her uncertainty, smiling at Jamie as she handed the baby back. Placing a hand on Ryan’s shoulder she gently pulled her forward, kissing both of her cheeks. As the taller woman stood, Catherine took out a handkerchief and removed her daughter’s lip-gloss from Ryan’s face. "Never put on a fresh coat of lipstick before you greet your beloved, Jamie," she teased. "Haven’t you read the manual?"
"I wouldn’t complain if she threw a can of paint on me," Ryan said truthfully, a dazed yet blissful expression on her face.
"That’s rather obvious, Ryan," the older woman said fondly. "You look rather stunned, Dear, are you feeling all right?"
Ryan just nodded, her eyes blinking slowly as she tried to regain control of all of her faculties.
Jamie had snuggled up under Ryan’s chin, resting her head against the strong chest as Ryan draped her arm around her back, settling her hand on her waist. Ryan’s head dropped until her chin rested on her lover’s head, and she closed her eyes tightly as she took in her familiar sweet scent. "This is the best I’ve felt in a week," the dark-haired woman murmured as Catherine chuckled at the display.
The baby was itching to get back to Jamie as well as join in the hug, so Catherine handed her over, smiling at the little tableau. Jamie snuggled her up tight between their bodies and the happy little baby gurgled and smiled, feeling very content and well loved.
"I’m going to let you three get home now," Catherine said. "You don’t have to wait with me, Honey. I’ll just grab a limo from the luggage area."
The thought of he
r mother-in-law fending for herself snapped Ryan out of her reverie. "No!" she said forcefully. "We’ll take you home."
"There’s no need, Ryan, a limo is the most convenient thing."
"That might be, Catherine, but you’re family. I’d never hear the end of it if my father knew I didn’t drive you home."
"But Ryan," she began, but Ryan cut her off decisively.
"I assure you, the lecture I'd get would take longer than the time it takes to drive you, Catherine."
"All right, dear," she said, patting Ryan’s cheek. "But it’s really not necessary."
"Humor her, Mother," Jamie advised. "The O’Flahertys have strange ways. I’ve learned it’s best not to argue." She giggled wildly as Ryan gave her a hard little pinch on her waist.
They walked down the concourse together, Jamie chattering away in her animated style. Catherine noticed that Ryan hardly said a word, but she knew that when Jamie was excited it was hard to get a turn. Ryan certainly did not look like she minded, however, the blissful smile on her face giving ample evidence of her euphoria. The baby was babbling away as she rode on Ryan’s left hip and Jamie was latched onto her right arm, talking a blue streak while she gestured with her free hand. Ryan turned her attention to each blonde in order, apparently keeping track of both conversations simultaneously.
The younger women were so oblivious that they walked along at their own pace, leaving Catherine to follow a few feet behind. Gazing at the threesome as they moved along, Catherine was struck by how tremendously happy her daughter seemed. Jamie had always been mature for her age, but in the last few years she had developed a certain weightiness to her personality that had caused Catherine some concern. She hadn’t seemed like a 19-or 20-year-old girl, and Catherine had noticed that she seemed older and more cautious than her friends. But with Ryan she seemed bubbly and light, much more like she had been as a child. It wasn’t that she seemed any less mature--in fact, she seemed more reasoned and confident than ever--but she was more playful now, and obviously much more affectionate.
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