Travis paced around the small area by the sink. Austin watched him circle, then his gaze went back to Spence. “You honestly believe that, don’t you?”
“I’m not looking for a fight.” And Spence wanted to be wrong like nothing else in this world. He’d hand back the degrees and all his money, even sign over the farm and let Austin have it if it meant guaranteeing Austin the lifetime of happiness he deserved.
“I know.”
“It’s what women do. Eventually.” What Lila would do and Spence fought off that future. The thought of her leaving, moving on, had the power to double him over, so he didn’t let it get into his head.
Austin stood right in front of Spence almost willing him to believe. “Carrie isn’t going anywhere.”
The longing in Austin’s eyes was so intense it almost hurt for Spence to look at him. He swallowed because whatever was stuck in his throat threatened to choke him. “Okay.”
“When did this get so fucked up in your head? How could you take all those classes and not understand that every relationship is different?”
“I know what I see.” Spence had watched and experienced and that told him more than any biology or anthropology class could.
“Listen to me.” Austin shifted his weight and put a hand on Spence’s shoulder. “Carrie’s not our mom, or Carrie’s mom or any other woman who’s walked out or wanted to. She’s not going to wake up one day and move on.”
Whatever had clogged Spence’s throat now lodged in his chest and picked away there. “How do you know that?”
“Because Carrie and I talked all of this through before we got married. We worked it out. We built a life around what we both want and made plans for when the kids come and when our needs clash.”
Spence tried to reason it out and only found more arguments. “She left you before.”
“Because she wanted to try something else and because I was too pigheaded to understand she’d seen her mother ripped apart with wanting a different life and that Carrie needed more.”
Spence looked over at Travis. He stood with his head bowed and his arms folded across his chest as he leaned against the sink. He didn’t say a word, didn’t join in, but it was clear he was with Austin on this.
Spence asked the one question that had played in his mind even as he’d stood at the end of the aisle as Austin’s best man and waited for Carrie to walk into the church. Spence loved her and loved her for Austin, but none of this ended well. Not ever. Not that he could see. “What happens when she needs those things more than she needs you?”
“That’s not going to happen.”
Austin sounded so sure and Spence had no idea why. “But how do you know?”
“I believe.”
Austin’s quick answer and rock-solid faith shook Spence. Could it really be that easy? You decide and you believe? “So it comes down to some sort of relationship trust?”
“It’s about knowing she’s the one. It’s about waking up without her and getting sick in my stomach because she’s not beside me. It’s about remembering how empty I was during all those months without her, an emptiness I tried to fill with alcohol, and vowing never to go back there again.”
“I’m not like you when it comes to dealing with people.” The words ripped through Spence. They were true even though he tried for years to make them not be.
When Spence looked away, Austin lowered his head and forced eye contact again. “A week from now or a month from now, or maybe even a year from now, when you decide you can’t have anything permanent with Lila and she leaves because she’s smart and she won’t wait for you to pull your head out of your ass, then what do you do?”
Last week he would have said something about having good memories of great sex, but now he knew differently. He would break into a thousand pieces and putting it all back together again—the wall, the confidence, the not caring—might be impossible.
Austin stepped back then. “She’ll date someone else, Spence. Sleep with him. Smile at him. Hold his hand and laugh at his jokes. Can you stand that?”
The words sliced through him, leaving him cut and bleeding. “I’ll have to.”
“No, that’s the point. You don’t. You’re leaving her before she can leave you.”
Travis exhaled. “Open your eyes and realize you’ve found the one woman who makes sense with you.”
Austin nodded. “Because, big brother, when it comes to making a commitment to a woman, believe it or not we are exactly alike. We both need it. Blame Mom for leaving or whatever you want, but the truth is we’re built for long-term.”
Spence almost fell over. Every part of him ached as if he’d been pummeled for hours by men twice his size. Looking at two of the men he admired most in the world, hearing his father’s voice in his head, Spence wondered if it could be that easy. If he could walk off that cliff and just trust. If he did, he wasn’t walking alone.
* * *
An hour later Lila stood in front of the main cabin at the campground because she didn’t have anywhere else to go. Her hollowed-out stomach growled, but not from hunger. It was empty like every other raw and achy part of her.
She crouched down and opened the toolbox she’d fished out of the cabin. She couldn’t do much but she needed to do something. The metal clanked together but couldn’t cover the hum of the engine from the approaching truck.
She hoped for Travis but knew without looking it wasn’t him. From the slam of the door and crunch of the boots on gravel, she sensed Spence. It had come to that. She was so in tune with him that she recognized his damn walk. And he viewed her as nothing special.
She rubbed her chest right above the area of the sharp pain. She didn’t bother to get up or even look at him. “Go away.”
“This is my job site.”
“It’s my property. I say who works here. You and your men can go. You’re fired. I’ll send a check as soon as I get this place up and running.”
“You’re going to finish without me?”
He loomed over her, his legs right next to her face. His scent wrapped around her until she had to stand up to break free. “Yes, Spence. As I said from the beginning, I don’t need you to rescue me.”
She tried to move past him but he caught her arm. “Rescue?”
“That’s what this was, right? You swoop in, save the girl, have a little sex then walk away clean.” She could see it all now. He saved people and here she arrived in town, all needy and pathetic. The combination of poverty and construction inexperience likely proved too great for him to walk away.
The whole situation made her sick. She stared at his fingers on her arm, willing her mind not to roam to the memories of all he could do with them. “Remove your hand.”
“Not until you tell me where you’re getting this rescue crap.”
“From every single person in this town.” A sob rushed up on her from out of nowhere and she fought it back down. “Do you know what you used to be called?”
“I don’t really care.”
“The Wicked One, but news is The Wicked One grew up to be The Solid One and The Quiet One. The Dependable Savior.” Simple descriptions that failed to capture the essence of the man.
He made a face like he’d tasted something rancid. “Since when do you listen to stupid gossip?”
“Ever since I walked into town and people flocked to tell me about you.” She ticked the comments off on her fingers. “He doesn’t date. He’s never serious about a woman. His mother messed him up when she left and never looked back. He doesn’t stick with anyone for more than one night.”
“You know at least that last one isn’t true.”
Something inside her caved in because after all the talk he still didn’t get it. “Just because you’re standing still doesn’t mean you’re not running.”
His face pinched tight. “What the hell does that mean?”
Oh, if he wanted to have this out, to fight through it until there was nothing left of them, she would oblige. The pain pump
ing through her gave her all the energy she needed to push forward. “I thought you were afraid of commitment, but that’s not it. You commit all the time. To the job, to your friends, to your family. Hell, to this town. The problem is women. You run as fast as you can from us and anything deep.”
“That’s not true.”
“I’m not your mother.” Lila wanted to scream the phrase but said it in a soft whisper instead.
“I know that. Believe me.”
She’d expected fury and denial. Even now as the tenderness moved into his eyes, she waited for him to explode or change the subject. When it came to his mother and the way she left, abandoning two young boys for some fairytale life, Spence shut down. Lila ached for the boy who lost so much and the man who let it define him. Mostly, she wanted to find Mrs. Thomas and kick her sorry butt.
Despite the calm, Lila refused to be deflected. “You want to have sex then tuck me away in a closet somewhere. Bring me out when it works for you and no one is watching. You know what? I’m done with crappy relationships that require me to do all the giving.”
Damn if he didn’t smile. “Good.”
“What?”
His hands trailed down her arms until his fingers entwined with hers. “You deserve more.”
Hope flickered to life and that fast she snuffed it out. She’d opened the door before and he’d slammed it shut.
She tried to shake off his hold, but he didn’t let go. “If you give me some whacked out speech about how I deserve better with some other guy, I may dropkick you off one of these roofs.”
One of his eyebrows rose, but he stood there and took it. “Interesting mental image.”
“I don’t want anyone else, despite your idiocy.”
His arms came around her this time, wrapping her in tight, warming every inch of her with the feel of his body and the heat in his eyes. “Again, good. Except the idiot part. I’ll work on that. People keep telling me I’m smart.”
She’d never been as clear on the difference between being book smart and common-sense smart in her life. “Not when it comes to women. Not when it comes to relationships.”
“True, I didn’t take any classes on that. When it comes to business and plants and conservation, I’ve got all the credentials and experience. Women are a mystery to me.”
The last of her anger and hurt bubbled up and had her sputtering. She wanted to work up a good case of outrage but confusion ruled her mind as the wind blew her hair. “What game are you playing?”
“The biggest one of my life. It’s all risk and no promise of reward.” He tucked her hair behind her ear. Caressed her cheek until she leaned into him. “It’s true I’ve viewed all male-female relationships as having an expiration date.”
Doubts kicked to the surface again. The soft voice, the almost loving touches sent a light spiraling through her but his words brought the darkness. “What about Austin?”
“Even his. Carrie left him before. Mitch’s fiancée, the one he knew long before he met Cassidy, left. My mom left. Carrie and Mitch’s mother wanted to leave but wasn’t strong enough.”
The weight of all those confused women pushed down on Lila’s shoulders. “Admittedly your female role models need work, and I’m betting there’s more to Carrie’s story than you’re saying, but not all women leave. Stop relying on the book smarts and focus on real life. Look around you and you’ll see examples of commitment everywhere. You are one of the most committed guys I know and you’re too stubborn to see it.”
“I can do better.”
“I was starting to wonder.”
“When your life is based on a premise, and when all you see around you mimics that messed-up belief, you entrench in the idea, wrong or not.” He traced the backs of his fingers down the side of her face. “You shift things around and make everything turn out the way you think it’s going to, so then you’re never disappointed. No woman can ever hurt you.”
She cupped his face in her hands because she needed him to see her, to hear her. “I’m not the only one who deserves better. You do, too.”
“Before you, I’d play, have fun then move on. It worked. It was easy and clean. Safe.”
“Lonely.” She’d used the word before and he’d waved it off.
This time he nodded. “Lonely and confused enough to drive to a hotel months ago with this unspoken need burning inside me, but not so desperate that I could ignore this hot brunette at the bar. But still I’d convinced myself those wild days amounted to nothing more than a great memory.”
Her hands slid down until they landed on his shoulders. She wanted to push away from him before he said that one last sentence that would break her heart, just shred it to pieces. “I understand.”
He pulled her in tighter. Their bodies met and his breath blew over her lips as his gaze searched her face.
“No you don’t, because if you did, you’d get that I was wrong about the memory part. Being with you isn’t simple or clean. It’s messy. It clouds my head and makes me hard.” His forehead fell against hers. “I kept hoping we could burn hot enough to scorch you out of my system, but that never happened. The more time I spent with you, the more time I wanted, and that has never happened before. It knocked me on my ass and challenged all my views about people going in and out of my life and not sticking. It just took me a while to see it.”
“Me too,” she whispered. “Well, about the knocking-over thing. I never expected you.”
“The idea of you moving even a few miles away to the campground makes me want to rip down each one of those cabins with my bare hands.”
Warmth rushed over her. She couldn’t feel the cold wind or the sting of the chill against her cheeks. She saw him and heard his pledge and all the pain washed away. The door to the past closed and the future stretched wide and beautiful in front of her.
“That sounds a lot like caring.” She whispered the words against his lips.
He kissed her then. His lips pressing for a second before his head lifted again. “We can call it whatever you want. Falling for you, caring about you, starting to love you, I can agree to it all.”
Love. She was stupid with it, so blinded by it she was willing to risk everything to grab it. “Spence.”
He rubbed his nose against hers. Spanned his hand against the small of her back. “I am guilty of a lot of things. I lied to you at the beginning and strong-armed you to let me help you at the campground. But the worst thing I’ve done—ever—is push you away because it was easier than admitting I care about you. Forget the starting part, that I’m in love with you. You want a true dick move, there you go.”
“No.” Tears pushed at the back of her eyes. “You’re pigheaded and demanding and like to get your way, but you’re also funny and compassionate and decent and so desperate not to let people know who you really are that I ache for you.”
He groaned and the sound vibrated through both of them. “Don’t pity me.”
“I’m too busy loving you.” His head lifted and that sparkle she loved so much danced in his eyes. “It started at the hotel. I should have known when I couldn’t forget you or relegate you to a fun time. Your face played in my head until I couldn’t see anyone else.”
He kissed her cheek and her chin. “That hotel might be my favorite place on earth.”
“I was thinking the same thing.”
“I wish I could promise you I won’t mess up again, but that would be a lie. I’ll be a jerk and say the wrong thing, probably shut down right when you want me to open up.” He grabbed her hand and pressed it against his heart. “But for you, I will do anything, be anything.”
After all the pretty words and shower of hope, she needed him to know one last thing. “I want you, not some other guy. Not some better guy because there isn’t one.”
Flurries danced on the wind as it rushed by them and he snuggled her in close. “I want you. No one else. You in my bed and my house. In my heart.”
“Then let’s head home. Tomorrow is Christmas Ev
e, after all.”
“You ready to meet the family? They can be overwhelming, all the talking and questions.”
Her nerves jumped and bounced. She wanted so much to belong to a family again, but that tiny voice in her head that named her an outsider wouldn’t go away. “You sure you want to introduce me to all the people you love?”
“It’s time for them to meet the woman who matters more than anything.”
The last brick of fear and doubt crashed and shattered. With him, she could take on anything. “I like the sound of that.”
His hands slipped up and down her back. “And you should know once I decide I want something, I don’t give up.”
“Why do you think I picked you up in that bar?”
He froze and his head snapped back. “You didn’t.”
“Oh, I definitely did.”
“I was the one—”
“Whatever you need to think so long as you understand your bar-hopping days are over.” He answered her with a long, dragging kiss that had her boots leaving the ground and her heart expanding until she thought it might explode. “Let’s go celebrate our first Christmas.”
“I know what I want this year.”
“And she wants you right back.”
* * * * *
Don’t miss another seasonal favorite
by HelenKay Dimon!
Carrie Anders officially broke up with Austin Thomas when she accepted a dream job in the city. Unofficially, she misses him and is tempted to sneak back to her West Virginia hometown to see him. That’s why this year, she’s not going home for the holidays. Her heart can’t take any more.
But when Austin hears she’s not coming home for Christmas, he decides to take action. If Carrie won’t come to the country, he’s going to bring a piece of the country to Carrie.
Their attraction is as hot as ever, but with such contrary Christmas wishes, can either of them get what they really want this year?
It’s Not Christmas Without You
Available now!
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Romancing the Holiday Page 11