Manitoba Lost (Book 1): Run (Survivors #1)

by R. A. Rock

  I wondered if James was right. If I should just put myself out there. I could just tell her that I cared about her. That I hadn’t forgotten her in all this time. I could just say it.

  But then what?

  What if she was embarrassed because she didn’t feel the same way? What if then it was awkward between us? What if she didn’t want to be friends anymore because of my admission?

  I huffed out my breath in frustration.

  No. It didn’t make any sense to declare my feelings here and now. I could tell her after we got to Sipwesk. Then if things were awkward, I wouldn’t have to see her very much. I would be at my mother’s and she would be at her cabin. And I would only have to see her when I was lending her a hand.

  The thought of not seeing Nessa anymore made gave me a heavy, unhappy feeling. But that was only one possible outcome and it was in the future. Right now we needed to get to the lake. Then I could worry about how I felt about her and when to tell her.

  I glanced over at her. She was leaning against her backpack, which she had dragged near the fire for that purpose. She had pulled her hair back into a ponytail and with her stick in her hand was poking the fire again. The orange flames reflected off her face and it occurred to me that I had never seen such a beautiful woman.

  No regrets.

  The memory of our conversation from the morning before came back to me. And I thought about the gun the man had pointed at me today. Guns could go off accidentally — or on purpose. I could have died today if he had been trigger happy.

  What would I have felt in my last moments, as I bled to death on the ground to know that I had never told Nessa?

  What would I have felt?

  Regret.

  God, I was so sick of thinking about what might have been.

  I made up my mind right then and there. To hell with the consequences. If I had a chance, I would tell her. It wouldn’t have to be awkward. I wouldn’t let it be awkward if she didn’t have feelings for me.

  And there was no reason to suppose that she did care about me. She hadn’t really given any indication. I had only my own desperate hope. But that was enough.

  I could die tomorrow.

  Hell, I could die tonight.

  Life was so precarious that I didn’t want anymore regret on my soul, weighing it down. And I was tired of being a coward.

  I had no idea how it would all play out but I resolved to step up and be a man. If she crushed my heart, so be it. At least I would know where I stood.

  I got to my feet, feeling more than a little uncomfortable and went and stood near the fire.

  “Cold?” She gave me a smile and then turned back to her industrious fire poking. She grabbed the end of a pretty big tree that Carlynne had dragged over and gave it a tug towards her, laying one end of it on top of the coals.

  “Nah,” I said, giving my head a shake. She turned and gave me an intrigued look, lifting one eyebrow. Then she moved over, patting the ground beside her, inviting me to lean against her backpack, too. I sat down and tried to calm my breathing. I was only sitting beside her and it was enough to get me all wound up.

  We watched the flames quietly for several long minutes.

  “What is it about fire that makes it so mesmerizing to human beings?” she said, breaking the silence after a while.

  “I don’t know.” I thought about it. “But it is hard to look at anything else while it’s burning.”

  “Hm.”

  We were quiet together again but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It felt peaceful. It felt right.

  My mother used to tell me that if you could sit in silence with anyone comfortably for a minute or two then you could be friends. But if you couldn’t do that, then you might as well not even bother.

  “Ness?” I said, the warmth from the fire making me feel lazy and relaxed.

  “Mm?” she sounded sleepy, too.

  “What do you regret?”

  “Oh lots of things, Matthew.” She pushed the tree farther into the fire so that it could burn the next section.

  “What’s your biggest regret then?” I said, my heart starting to pound.

  What would she say?

  Thoughts flew through my head.

  What could Nessa’s biggest regret be?

  She wished she hadn’t been a teacher but had become an architect instead? She wished she had learned to speak Italian? She wished that she had never moved back to Thompson?

  “You really want to know, Matt?”

  Yes. Really.

  “Uh, huh,” I said, clearing my throat.

  “You want me to be completely honest,” she said, as if she couldn’t believe that I would want that.

  “Yes,” I said, feeling sort of nervous now.

  What the hell was she going to tell me?

  “Well, Matthew, I wish I had been more careful where I buried the body.”

  “You,” she said softly, meeting my eyes. “You’re my biggest regret, Matt.”

  Matt

  I had been so off in my weird thoughts about what her biggest regret might be that I hadn’t caught what her biggest regret actually was. A gentle breeze blew through the clearing. It ruffled the loose hair that framed her pointed face and made her seem for a moment like an elfin creature that was casting a spell on me. And perhaps she was.

  “What?” I scrunched up my forehead.

  “You,” she said, again. “You’re my biggest regret.”

  “Me?” I said, my voice sounding a little hoarse.

  Okay, I don’t know what I expected her to say but that was not it.

  She sighed and leaned towards the fire, driving the stick under a log and lifting it to give it more air. The fire roared to life again under her ministrations.

  “Remember in high school?”

  “Yeah.”

  She smiled a little self-deprecating smile, not looking at me.

  “Well, I kind of had a big crush on you.”

  Her eyes cut over to me as my mouth dropped open and she bit her lip, wrinkling her nose a little in such a cute way that I almost couldn’t stand it.

  “Yeah, that little pillow some random person gave you? That was me.” She rolled her eyes. “God, I was such a loser.”

  I disregarded the pillow/loser comment trying to wrap my head around what she had just told me.

  “You had a crush on me?”

  She nodded, returning her gaze to the fire, her cheeks red.

  “I wish I had just told you then.”

  “Oh.” I didn’t know what to say — what to think.

  “Crazy, eh?” she glanced at me, looking a little rueful.

  “No, not crazy at all,” I said, then I pushed through the fear and just said it. “I had a crush on you, too.”

  “What?” Her mouth was a round O of disbelief — her surprise even greater than mine, if that was even possible. “You didn’t.”

  “I did,” I said, turning my head to meet her gaze.

  “You never showed any sign,” she accused me.

  “You were the ice queen, Nessa. I was too scared.”

  Now her mouth was open in outrage.

  “The ice queen? You were so cool with your guitar. You would never have gone out with someone like me.”

  What did she mean?

  “Someone like you?” I said, in amusement. I loved how her dark eyes were flashing with righteous indignation.

  She looked damn sexy.

  “You know. Too smart. A choir chick. In all the higher level classes. Working a part-time job every night. You know. A girl like me.”

  “Too smart?” I frowned at that.

  “You know what I mean, Matt,” she said, making a dismissive motion with her hand. “You were too cool for me. And you weren’t interested.”

  “I beg to differ. You were way out of my league. And I was interested. So there.”

  She gave me a little we-were-so-stupid smile and we lapsed into silence once more.

  “Is that why you asked me to
dance at grad?” she said, so softly that I could scarcely hear her.

  “Yes.” I sang the first line of the chorus of Power of Love, the song we had danced to.

  “Oh. My. God. You remember?” She laughed.

  “Course I do.”

  She sang the next line. Her voice was fuller than I remembered but just as sweet. We sang the whole chorus together — in harmony, no less — and when we finished, she held her hand up for a high five.

  “I thought you asked me out of pity,” she said, looking at me, her face glowing with amusement and what seemed to be happiness.

  “I thought you said yes out of pity,” I replied.

  She chuckled again.

  “We were so dumb.”

  “So dumb,” I echoed.

  We were quiet as we each contemplated the past and our misinterpretation of it. This turned my thoughts to the present and whether there was misinterpretation going on right this minute.

  It had been easy enough to admit my feelings from ten years ago. But did I have the balls to tell her how I was feeling right now? That seemed a heck of a lot harder. Would she laugh at me and tell me she was so over me? That that had been a long time ago and she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore? Except as a friend?

  I caught her giving me a sideways look and those dark eyes of hers gazed deeply into mine. It didn’t seem exactly like a just friends look.

  My pulse sped up and I couldn’t look away. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t speak. Caught in the spell her eyes had cast.

  We were sitting right beside each other, not touching, not quite. All it would take was for me to lean over…

  Nessa bit her lip, never breaking eye contact. Was it just me or were we closer than we had been a second ago? My breathing sped up. She smelled like wood smoke and under that, something sweeter — oranges, maybe. I didn’t know what was going on but I didn’t want it to ever end.

  “I’ve decided that I should go back to living without regrets,” she said, her gaze locked on mine.

  “Have you?”

  It seemed that without either of us really moving, we were closer still. I glanced down at her lips and back up to those hypnotic eyes that I couldn’t get enough of.

  “Yes. And I’m starting with you.”

  My heart rate kicked up another notch at her words.

  “Are you?”

  She nodded once.

  “I want to do something that I should have done that night we danced.”

  “Do you?” I seemed incapable of anything other than two word questions at this point.

  “I do,” she said, biting her lip again and I wanted her to let me do that for her.

  “Then what are you waiting for?” I tucked a hair that had come out of her ponytail behind her ear. “No regrets.”

  Nessa

  My heart was pounding in my chest. My skin felt tight and hot from the fire in front of me and the sudden fire inside of me. Without my bra on, my nipples were standing out hard and clearly visible through my thin T-shirt but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let this chance slip by.

  Matt could have been killed today.

  Either of us could die at any moment.

  I wanted to kiss him.

  And I was going to do it.

  He was a guy. Kissing was like pizza, to them, right? Even when it’s bad — or with someone you don’t like that way — it’s still pretty good?

  I didn’t know how it had happened but we were suddenly so close that I could feel the heat radiating off of him. I could see the dark stubble on his jaw and I wanted to know what it felt like against my cheek — wanted to know quite desperately.

  I had no worries about the consequences of this action. I wasn’t thinking at all. The only thing I wanted was my lips on his and since he seemed receptive…

  “Then what are you waiting for?” he said, doing that thing again where he tucked my hair behind my ear. I kind of loved it when he did that.

  But when he whispered, “No regrets.” I knew I had to do it. There was no turning back now.

  I leaned in, searching his eyes one more time, and then pressed my lips to his. Sparks exploded through my entire body. He gave a low growl and his hands were on my hips, pulling me closer. I threaded my hands around his neck and opened my mouth to his. Our tongues twisted together and I moaned. I couldn’t help it. He was so damn hot.

  His lips were soft and firm and our mouths fit together so perfectly. He tasted faintly of potatoes and spring water. It was like all my best fantasies come to life but a hundred times better than it had been in my mind. I had to touch him. My hand crept under his shirt and I ran my fingers up those sexy abs. I was surprised for a second when I found that he was still wearing the money belt but I wasn’t interested in that right now. His hands were under my shirt, too, as if I had given him permission — running over my smooth skin.

  We devoured each other, as if we could never, ever get enough and I don’t know what would have happened if we hadn’t heard the zipper of James and Carlynne’s tent opening.

  We jumped apart as though someone had thrown a pail of icy lake water on us and I put my hand to my lips, staring at him.

  Carlynne crawled out of her tent looking half asleep. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a messy braid and she was wearing faded sweat pants and a sweat shirt.

  “Nessa, would you come with me while I pee?” she said, in a plaintive voice. “I don’t want to go alone in the dark.”

  I had to go too and it was probably a good thing Matt and I had been interrupted since I had no idea what that kiss had meant or if it had meant anything. Maybe it was just two desperate people in desperate times looking for some comfort.

  “Sure, Carlynne. I’ll come with you,” I said, getting up.

  Matt didn’t say anything and avoided my eyes when I looked at him.

  By the time we got back, the fire had died down to coals and he was gone. When I crawled into the tent, he was already asleep with one arm over his eyes.

  Probably a good thing, I thought, since I have no idea what to say to him now that I’ve kissed him.

  I shook my head.

  Yeah, this wasn’t going to be awkward in the morning at all.

  Nessa

  I woke up feeling cold. It seemed as though I was always cold these days. A root was pressing into my back and sleeping on the hard ground had made my hips ache something fierce. My mouth had a noxious morning breath taste and I vowed to make sure I brushed my teeth both this morning and tonight.

  I also woke up feeling uncertain. And worried about what I’d done. What had I been thinking kissing Matt? We were in the middle of the goddamned… well, the goddamned apocalypse here.

  I sniffed.

  Apparently we were in the middle of the goddamned apocalypse and making bacon for breakfast. Somehow the normalcy of that really hit me as strange and I started to laugh. When I sat up, though, I realized that Matt wasn’t in the tent.

  Crap.

  I had really messed up, hadn’t I?

  Was he avoiding me?

  Maybe he hadn’t enjoyed the kiss as much as I had? I mean, I had really, really enjoyed it and it had seemed like he had, too. I replayed it in my mind. Yes, he had definitely kissed me back. But what if he had done so out of simple lust and now he felt bad for kissing me when he didn’t have any feelings for me? He had admitted to having a crush on me in high school but that didn’t mean that he felt that way about me now.

  I pushed the depressing thoughts out of my mind. I had more to worry about than if a guy I liked, liked me back. What was I twelve? I needed to change. And brush my teeth — that was a priority. I had to repack my bag a little because it had been unbalanced yesterday and my left shoulder was sore because of it. I began itemizing all the things I needed to do today.

  I needed to eat something — not bacon for this vegetarian, though, thank you very much. And I needed to change my clothes. I was trying to wear them for a few days before I changed so that the clean cl
othes would last till I got to my cabin. Then I could wash clothes where it would be easier than beating them on a rock in a stream. I had to make sure I brushed my teeth. And if there was time maybe I could talk to Matt or apologize or… God, I don’t know. Make him stop avoiding me?

  I shook my head, getting out of my sleeping bag and cramming it back into its stuff sack. I was freaking out about something that could be nothing after all. I hadn’t seen him since we kissed. That didn’t mean anything. We just hadn’t crossed paths. I needed to stop acting foolish.

  I was about to unzip the tent when I heard my name.

  “So I saw Nessa and Matt kissing last night.”

  Carlynne and James were in the clearing — enjoying a breakfast of bacon, I supposed. And they were talking about me. Quietly as if they didn’t want to be overheard.

  “Kissing?” James said, sounding puzzled. “Thought he had a girlfriend?”

  “Last I heard, he does. He didn’t tell us that he broke up with her. You know he would have told us if he did. He only just brought her for supper a week ago. No. If they had broken up, he would have let us know.”

  “But Carly, that means that he’s cheating on Sheryl with Nessa? Matt doesn’t seem like that sort of guy,” James halfheartedly defended Matt.

  “They never do at first,” Carlynne pointed out.

  “Maybe I should talk to him about it?” James said.

  “Whatever,” Carlynne said. “I don’t like him as much knowing that he’s kissing Nessa while he’s still going out with Sheryl.”

  “We don’t know that, Carlynne,” James reminded her.

  “Oh, shh. Here he comes,” Carlynne whispered.

  Then I heard her overly bright voice saying good morning to Matt. I sat back down on the tent floor, completely flabbergasted.

  Was Matt still going out with someone else?

  And I had kissed him.

  No wonder he was avoiding me. He probably felt bad about having to tell the loser who still had a crush on him that he was in a relationship. Gah. This was terrible. I would talk to him once we started walking. Tell him that it had been a mistake. That I had just been overcome by the moment and the whole end of the world thing.