Venus of Shadows

by Pamela Sargent

  Something was going on. Chimene wondered if Risa was planning to run for the Council again. By now the memory of the men the Council had sentenced to death would have faded, and some might be willing to trust Risa once more. Risa was older now and presumably wiser; she and her former colleagues had as much as admitted they might have been wrong by setting up patrols, and deciding such matters would be handled differently. Yakov Serba, who was on the Council now, sometimes consulted with Risa; Chimene had learned that during her last visit. Ishtar's people weren't likely to vote for her, given her dislike of the group, but there might be enough support from others to make up for that.

  When they had finished eating, Chimene was about to help clear the table; Nikolai motioned her back to her seat. “It's your first night home,” he said. “You can start on any chores tomorrow.” Bettina whispered to Risa as the two women stood up; Risa was nodding.

  “I'll get my screen,” Chimene said to Patrick. “Maybe we can play a game.”

  “All right. Take your time—I have to finish a chemistry lesson first.”

  “I'll meet you in your room then.” She wandered toward Risa's wing. Maybe if she got Patrick alone, he would tell her what was going on.

  She had left her screen on the small table next to her bed. As she picked it up, she heard a tap on the door. “Come in,” she called out.

  Risa entered, followed by Sef. “We'd like to talk to you,” her mother said, “and I think this is the time.” Chimene frowned a little. “Don't look so solemn, dear—it's good news.”

  Chimene sat on the bed; for a moment, she had worried that Risa might have found out about the visits to Kichi Timsen. Risa and Sef seated themselves in one corner. “What is it?” Chimene asked.

  “You're pleased that Sef is remaining in this household, aren't you?”

  “Yes—I mean, I really am.” She was flushing again; she continued to gaze at Risa, avoiding Sef's eyes.

  “Well, he likes you very much, too, and he's glad you're going to be here these coming months.” Risa's blush deepened as she glanced at Sef. “What I'm trying to say is that Sef wants to be a member of this household for years to come.”

  “We wanted to tell you first,” Sef said. “Bettina knows, and I think everyone else got the idea when we started adding a couple of rooms to this wing. But this involves you, so I guess they saw that they shouldn't say anything until we'd talked to you. Things will still be the same—you can think of me as your friend.”

  “You're my friend now,” Chimene said, a little bewildered. “Aren't you?”

  “I'm glad you think so.” Sef ran a hand through his chestnut hair. “I don't want you to think that I want to take Malik's place—he's still your father and I won't get in the way of that.”

  Chimene swallowed, “But why—” Her voice trailed off.

  “I know this is a surprise,” Risa said. “It's surprised me, too. I didn't think—” She looked at Sef again. “But we've been lovers for three months now, and Sef is sure, and we don't want to wait. Tina's going to remove our implants in a few days, and we'll make our pledge after that.”

  “I hope you'll be as happy as we are,” Sef said. “I know it must seem sudden, but I always hoped I'd find someone like your mother.”

  Chimene stiffened with shock. They had deceived her. Sef couldn't be doing this; he couldn't love Risa. Pain welled up inside her chest; she was afraid to speak, afraid she would begin to cry.

  Sef reached for Risa's hand. “She's insisting that we have a bond for only ten years,” he continued, “in case I want to be free later, but I don't think I will.”

  She struggled for breath. “But—” Her eyes stung. “But you—she's too old.”

  Sef chuckled; now he was laughing at her. Chimene could hardly bear it. “Thirty-seven isn't old. Anyway, I always was drawn to someone older and steadier.”

  He had been in love with her mother all along. How could she hope that he might wait for her now? She wanted to lash out at them both.

  “We're going to try for a child,” Risa was saying. “I'd always hoped I could give you a brother or sister. Would you like that, Chimene?”

  Sef slipped his arm around Risa's waist. “But that won't change how we feel about you. You'll always have a special place in our hearts.”

  She hated him for saying that. She thought of all the times he must have gone to her mother's bed. A scream was rising in her throat; she swallowed hard and held it back. What could she do? Plead with them not to become bondmates? What could she tell them?

  “You'll do what you want,” she said at last. “It doesn't matter what I think.”

  Sef frowned. “But that isn't true. Your feelings matter very much to us. I thought you'd be as happy as we are.”

  “What is it?” Risa's voice was a little more strained. “You didn't think—were you hoping Malik and I might renew our bond? I know children sometimes imagine such things, but that was over long ago—you must see that.”

  Chimene grasped at this small thread. “He'd come back if you asked him to. It isn't so great on the Islands for him. I think he wants to come back, but he won't admit it. If you just talked to him and asked—”

  “Believe me, that isn't true. I loved your father very much, but—” Risa sighed. “That's past. Even Malik wouldn't object to having me find some happiness with Sef now.”

  Her mother would not listen to her; she never had, not really. She forced herself to look into Sef's eyes. “You don't know what you're doing,” she said softly. “You're too young, you think—” She pressed a hand against her mouth for a moment. “She lured you, she—”

  “Lured me!” Sef seemed angry now. “I went to her—she didn't lure me. I wanted her to love me—she didn't know if she could at first. Don't you want your mother to be happy?”

  Shock and resentment were muddying Chimene's thoughts. It was Risa's fault that Malik had stopped loving her and had ended up leaving her house; it was her fault that he had become what he was. She wanted to scream accusations at Risa and warn Sef that she would only make him miserable, too. I love you, she thought; why couldn't you wait for me? Why did you have to go to her?

  She did not speak. Her old fear of Risa gripped her once more, the fear that if she ever made her mother angry enough, Risa would find a horrible way to punish her. Risa was glaring at her, with the same hard look she had directed at those three accused men during that hearing so long ago.

  “It's the shock,” Sef murmured to Risa. “We've surprised her—she just needs time to get used to the idea.” He turned toward Chimene. “When we're bondmates, you'll understand. You won't feel the same way. When you see how happy that makes us, you'll be happy, too.”

  He was treating her as a child who had to be soothed. She wanted them out of her room; she longed to be as far from them as possible. “Make your pledge then.” She nearly choked on the words. “I'll get used to it. Will you please leave me alone now?”

  “Are you sure you're all right?” Sef asked.

  “I'm all right.” He did not care if she was or not. She continued to stare at the floor until she heard them move toward the door.

  “Chimene—” Sef started to say.

  “She's tired from her trip,” Risa said. “Probably needs to rest.” The door whispered open. “I don't know what's gotten into her—”

  The door closed. Tears streamed down her face; she shook with rage. Sef would be with Risa tonight. Chimene would have to witness their pledge and pretend to be happy; she would have to live in this house during all the coming months and watch him go to her mother's room. How could she stay here now?

  She stumbled toward the door. As she stepped into the hallway, she heard the sound of laughter in the common room as Nikolai congratulated Sef. “—happy for you, but I can't say it's much of a surprise.”

  “Chimene's upset.” That was Risa's voice. “I think she actually thought that Malik and I could be bondmates again, and I'm sure even he wouldn't have led her to believe that.” />
  “Tell Malik to send her a message,” Bettina said. “When she hears from him, she'll get over that. Children often have such fantasies.”

  They all saw her as a child; nothing she felt was important. If they had known about her hopes, they would have laughed at her and told her she would forget. Older people were always saying that her problems weren't real and that her feelings would change in time.

  She could not remain in this house. She spun around and ran toward the nearest exit.

  * * * *

  She ran through the darkness toward the tunnel, knowing where she had to go now; only one person could help her. Two men paced near the tunnel, silhouetted against the light; she had forgotten about the patrol. She slowed, wanting to hide herself, but one man was already walking toward her.

  “What's wrong?” he asked.

  She halted, trying to compose herself. “Nothing. I'm taking a walk, that's all.”

  “A little late for that, isn't it?” He hooked his fingers around his sash; a wand hung at his side, the kind of weapon volunteers were given when they were on patrol. “Are you sure nothing's the matter? Don't forget—it's a serious offense if you hide what you know about any wrongdoing.”

  “Nothing's wrong.”

  “Does your family know you're out here? Maybe we should check with them so they know we're looking out for you.”

  “No!” The other man was moving toward them. “They won't worry about me,” Chimene continued, “really they won't. They'll just get upset with you for waking them up.” She took a breath. “I have to see the Guide. That's where I was going, to see her. There can't be anything wrong with that.”

  “Bring her along,” the second man said. “It won't hurt to check on this.” He took her by the arm and led her toward the tunnel. “I don't think I've seen you before—what's your name?” Chimene was silent. “Come on, girl—we'll find out from the records in a minute anyway.”

  “Chimene Liang-Haddad. I just got here from Island Two.” Risa would leam that she was trying to see Kichi and would probably elicit a confession about her other visits. She no longer cared. “I'm staying with my mother, Risa Liangharad.”

  “Funny,” the taller man muttered, “Risa Liangharad's daughter wanting to see the Guide.” They stopped in front of a small screen at the tunnel's entrance. “Take her over there—I'll call the Guide's household and see about this story.”

  The shorter man led her to the side of the tunnel; she leaned against an empty cart. Maybe Kichi would not want to see her now; being roused at this hour would annoy her. Chimene rubbed at her eyes, feeling miserable and alone.

  The other man spoke into the screen for a few moments, then hurried toward them. “It seems the Guide wants to see you after all,” he said; he quickly lifted her into the cart. “I'll take her into the main dome,” he murmured to the shorter man. “If anyone comes looking for her or asking about her, you're to say that a volunteer there's watching out for her and will bring her home later.”

  His companion shrugged. Neither of them would question the Guide. Chimene's spirits lifted a little; Kichi would help her somehow.

  * * * *

  A woman on patrol met the cart at the road and led Chimene toward Kichi's house. Eva Danas met them at the door, thanked the woman, then brought Chimene inside.

  This common room was larger than Risa's; the Guide often held meetings here, with as many as one hundred people in attendance. Cushions sat against the wall, along with a few of the mats used during Ishtar's most important rite. Under the large wall screen, Kichi lay on one mat, her head resting in the lap of Matthew Innes.

  Kichi sat up as Eva and Chimene came near. “My dear girl,” the Guide murmured. “You look so unhappy.” She brushed the hair back from Chimene's face. “What's wrong?”

  “I shouldn't have come,” Chimene replied. “I didn't know where else to go. I—”

  “You mustn't say that. Haven't I told you that I'm here when you want to see me, or that I'll make the time to see you when I can? I don't ever want you to feel that you can't share anything with me.”

  Chimene sank to the floor; Eva seated herself next to her. Matthew Innes's gray-green eyes gazed at her kindly. Like Eva, he was young, with pale blond hair that was nearly white. He had joined Ishtar only a few years earlier, as a recent immigrant from the camps; his devotion to the group was so great that he had quickly become one of the Guide's inner circle. Chimene felt a pang of envy. She longed to be like Matthew and Eva, and all of those closest to the Guide—handsome, confident people, secure in their faith and united by the love they had for one another.

  “I can't go home,” Chimene said. “I have to stay here for six months, and I can't live here now. I couldn't stand it. But if I say I want to go back to Island Two now—I don't know what to do.”

  “Is that what you want?” Kichi asked. “To go back?”

  “I don't have anywhere else to go.”

  “But why?”

  Chimene looked around at Eva, then lowered her eyes. “You may speak freely in the presence of my companions,” Kichi continued. “Eva and Matthew are my sister and brother in Ishtar—my concerns are theirs. What has your household done to make you so unhappy? What grieves you so much that you had to come to me? It hurts me to see such sadness in one who deserves only joy.”

  A lump rose in her throat; she was unable to speak.

  “There are barriers enough that separate us from the world that will be ours,” the Guide said, “domes that surround us, ships that enclose us whenever we venture outside, screens that show us images of things we cannot touch. There must be no barriers between us.”

  “It's Sef.” She had loved the sound of his name once. “Sef Talis. He's been living in my mother's house—they're going to be bondmates.” She could not hold back her tears.

  Kichi reached for her; she clung to the Guide as she spoke of her dreams, her love for Sef, her hope that he would somehow see it and be willing to wait for her, her pain at his betrayal of her secret longing. “He'll never love me now,” she sobbed. “She took him away—she tries to take away everything I want, and I couldn't tell him, he doesn't know—”

  Kichi wiped her tears with the sleeve of her shirt. “He thinks I'm a child,” Chimene gasped. “He'd just laugh if he knew.”

  “Chimene, my dear. I know how you feel. You have so much love in you—I understand what it's like when you want to give it to one who can't receive it. This is the first time you've felt such love, isn't it? How I wish it could have brought you some happiness.”

  Kichi did understand. Chimene rested her head against the Guide's chest. “I'm so sorry,” Kichi went on. “So many men will love you—they will, you know. How unfortunate it would be if the hurt you feel now scarred you and kept you from sharing your love with others.” The Guide stroked her hair gently. “You mustn't allow your love to become bitterness and hatred. Perhaps this Sef also has love that he needs to share—I must assume that he does, that he's worthy of what you feel for him—and that's why he's given it to your mother. I wish he could have gone to you, but your time for such love will come when you're a woman.”

  “It isn't fair—being too young, having to wait.”

  “Chimene, if this man had known of your feelings and hadn't been willing to wait to take what you can offer, he would only have shown himself unworthy of receiving it. He would have been seeking only his own satisfaction, and your capacity for love would have been destroyed, more surely than if he had mocked you or scorned you.”

  Chimene twisted in her arms. “You always say there shouldn't be any barriers.”

  “The Guide speaks the truth,” Eva said softly. “You're like the world we live on, still being formed, not yet ready to feel the rays of the sun—if they touched you now, your heart would become as barren as the rocks outside. Venus will feel the sun again when it's ready to yield life, and it is the same with you. Barriers must fall when it is time for them to fall.”

  “You should rejoice
that you can feel love,” Kichi said, “whatever pain it brings you now. Be grateful that this man has shown that he can love. Love for others often grows out of love for one. Keep love in your heart and let Sef share what he can, the love of a father for a child. The years will pass, and maybe he—”

  “But he'll be her bondmate.”

  “Bonds lapse,” the Guide said, “and they are barriers we can learn to transcend. You needn't give up your hopes. Sef loves a part of you by loving your mother, and you can show him love by honoring that pledge for now. More for you may come later—you may even be the one who guides Sef to Ishtar.”

  Her tears were gone. Kichi's words had revived her dream. A bond meant nothing; the Guide had never restricted her love with bonds. Chimene's sorrow had grown out of seeing barriers where they did not have to exist. If she loved Sef enough, all the barriers between them would disappear; she could still hope that when she was a woman—

  She looked up at Kichi as she recalled the rest of her words. “What did you mean,” she said, “that I might guide Sef to Ishtar? I'm not even in Ishtar myself.”

  “You have reached out to us.”

  “To you, but the rest—I don't know if I can believe in it. I think about it, and then I have all these questions. Even if Risa didn't care, I don't know if I could join, trying to believe and not being able to.”

  “But many of us began that way,” Kichi responded. “I did myself. Do you know how I became the Guide?”

  Chimene knew part of the story but waited for Kichi to continue.

  “I came to the Islands from Earth in 570, not long after Pavel Gvishiani's disgrace. It was a time of great hope for the Project—a battle had been averted and the surface would soon be settled. But I couldn't share the joy of others. I believed in nothing then. I saw Venus as no more than my planetary laboratory, a place where I could study the movements of tectonic plates that had been locked for millions of years. I never supposed that Venus might create fault lines within my own soul or unlock my heart.”