Someone to Love

by Ruchita Misra

‘Still on for Saturday dinner, Atharv?’ Kimberly asked gingerly when he walked back in, trying to sound casual.

  ‘You mean the group doctor dinner?’ he asked.

  Group doctor dinner.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, smiling.

  ‘I might just go out with Koyal, I think…’ he said and then paused. ‘Would that be okay with you? I know we usually hang out together in that mad group,’ he asked, genuine concern in his eyes.

  No, please please don’t go with Koyal.

  ‘Oh no, don’t worry about me. Go on and have fun!’ Kimberly said with a warm smile.

  Atharv nodded and went back to his desk.

  Atharv laughed as he walked into the deserted kitchen to pour himself another drink. He sat down at the table, the noise from his birthday party reaching him through closed doors. The cake had been cut and food was being served.

  ‘Thirty-nine!’ he exclaimed to himself. ‘Forty next year.’

  A hurried knock on the window. Atharv turned. Koyal’s face was pressed against the window.

  ‘Koyal!’ he exclaimed, surprised, his face brightening as he rushed to open the window. ‘How come you are here? You said you could not make it!’

  ‘I cannot make it.’

  ‘What? You are here now,’ he said, bewildered.

  ‘I excused myself from the meeting. I have to go back.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Now.’

  Atharv shook his head, this girl was making no sense.

  ‘Here. Happy birthday. I can’t stay,’ Koyal said, grinning as she pressed a small gift into Atharv’s hands.

  Atharv grinned back as Koyal vanished from the window.

  Here. Happy birthday. I cannot stay.

  Slowly and still smiling, he unwrapped his gift and then stilled. It was the same Walkman he had gifted to Koyal on her twelfth birthday. ‘For old times’ sake,’ a little post-it said.

  Here. Happy birthday. I cannot stay

  Atharv grinned his widest. This was the best gift he could have ever got.

  Koyal wondered why Surya Aunty had asked her to come. Something about Surya Aunty’s tone on the phone had made her feel weird. There was a tightness, a tension, in her voice that Koyal couldn’t fathom, she thought, as she hurried to Atharv’s house after work.

  ‘Aunty,’ Koyal exclaimed the moment Surya Aunty opened the door, ‘is everything okay?’

  ‘Koyal,’ said Surya Aunty, her expression a tad worried, ‘there is something I have that belongs to you.’

  ‘I don’t understand, Aunty,’ she said.

  ‘Something I probably should have given to you some time ago, but I was, well, to be honest, not sure at all.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Aunty,’ said Koyal, surprised to see the usually unruffled woman looking so worried.

  ‘Okay,’ said Surya Aunty, ‘here we go. This is for you.’ And with that she handed a package to Koyal. ‘From Nili.’

  And the earth stopped moving.

  ‘From…?’ Koyal stammered.

  ‘Nili.’

  ‘Wh … what do you mean?’

  ‘I don’t know what’s inside, Koyal, if that’s what you’re asking. And I think I will leave you for a bit so that you can see it for yourself in privacy,’ said Surya Aunty, getting up.

  Once she had gone, Koyal stared at the package in her hands in utter terror.

  ‘What are you doing now, Nili?’ she mumbled, a sinking feeling overcoming her.

  She opened the package and then stared at the neat envelope that fell on her lap.

  A letter.

  From Nili.

  And, just like that, the old Koyal surfaced again. She felt anger surge through her and an urge to tear the letter apart into pieces began to consume her. Her breathing became laboured and the world began to turn red.

  ‘No, I don’t want to hear why you were right in doing what you did, Nili. No, I don’t want to hear anything from you,’ she mumbled angrily. She was about to tear the letter and storm out of Atharv’s house when a voice, deep and sensible, rang through her head.

  Wisdom, it said simply, is what helps us overcome our shortcomings.

  Koyal slumped into the sofa and rested her head against the cool wall.

  And then she got up and ran out of the room and did not stop till she was outside in the rain, the letter clutched to her heart.

  Nili, the girl because of whom her life had taken a turn it was not supposed to.

  Nili, the girl because of whom she had chosen to spend ten years away from the one man who truly ever mattered to her.

  Nili, the one person she had agreed to forgive.

  Nili, the one person she could never really forgive.

  Nili, the one person she really needed to forgive.

  Read it, a voice in her head said. Listen to what she has to say. It will give you her perspective and maybe then you can truly close this chapter in your heart too.

  What if, thought Koyal, horrified, she tells me to never see Atharv again? Will I be able to ignore the wishes of a dead woman?

  What if she tells me to never go near Mansha? she thought and then felt immense surprise as the tears began to flow. No, not Mansha, please don’t take Mansha away from me, she begged silently.

  She walked aimlessly in the rain, shivering in the cold, with nothing to cover her up.

  And then, she stopped.

  Be brave, Koyal. Hear what she wanted to tell you and then decide.

  But I can’t read this and pretend she never said anything to me.

  But that would be a lie, the voice said.

  But that would be easier.

  The strong do what is right, not what is easier.

  A feeling of calm descended upon her, Koyal sat down on a bench at a bus stop and opened the letter. Her hands trembled and she told herself they did because of the rain and the cold that was seeping though her white cotton top.

  A woman passed by, looked at her sympathetically and asked her if she needed her umbrella.

  ‘No, thank you,’ said Koyal, thankful for the stanger’s kindness.

  She opened the letter.

  And read.

  38

  That day, sitting in her hostel room in Ghaziabad, Koyal had dialled Nili’s number. Her heart was thudding like an angry elephant, when finally a sweet voice said, ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hi, I am Koyal.’

  ‘Koyal Raje?’ Nili sounded surprised.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Atharv’s friend Koyal?’

  ‘Atharv’s Koyal,’ Koyal corrected her.

  ‘Oh hi, I have heard so much about…’ Nili began to gush.

  ‘I need to ask you something,’ Koyal cut in, desperate for answers. Her brain felt foggy with emotions she couldn’t quite understand.

  ‘Uh … yes, sure.’

  ‘Is there something going on between you and Atharv?’ she asked. Earlier that day, suspicious because of how often Atharv mentioned Nili, Koyal had hurriedly gone through Atharv’s phone. Her heart sunk as she read one message after the other. They were casual, but hinted at a lot more than casual friendship. Reading them had made her want to throw up and she had hurriedly jotted down Nili’s phone number.

  ‘Wh … what?’

  ‘Is there something going on between you and Atharv?’ Koyal repeated.

  ‘Um … no…’

  ‘Great,’ cut in Koyal. ‘I need you to stop talking to him completely, with immediate effect.’

  ‘Why?’ The first traces of shock and anger began to creep into Nili’s voice.

  ‘Because I need you to,’ Koyal said simply.

  There was silence on the other end for a few seconds and when Nili spoke, her voice had an edge to it.

  ‘I am sorry, I am his friend not yours. I don’t really care about your needs, Koyal.’

  ‘Don’t make Atharv choose,’ Koyal warned. ‘Go away on your own and it will just be less complicated for all of us.’

  ‘And you think Atharv will choose you over me?’ Nili
asked.

  ‘Are you,’ snorted Koyal, ‘even considering the possibility that he would choose you over me?’

  ‘Koyal Raje, let me tell you something that may surprise you. Atharv and I are in love, have been in love for months now.’

  Koyal stared at the wall in front of her, feeling her hands turn cold.

  ‘We’re almost living together, Koyal.’

  Koyal’s mouth felt dry. Of course this couldn’t be true.

  ‘He … he … never said anything to me…’ Koyal ventured bravely.

  ‘Do you know what? I feel for you, I do. But, honey, reality check: Atharv has been lying to you.’

  ‘This can’t be true … Atharv would never lie to me … He can’t have been lying to me for months. No, that’s not possible!’ Koyal gasped, her hand to her mouth, ashamed of the tears already streaming down her face. Koyal thought of the many times she had hoped Atharv would kiss her but he had not. The many times she had hoped he would tell her, that he loved her, but he had not. That night under the imli tree when she had been so sure that he would say something, anything, but he had not. They way he held her hand, they way he spoke to her, the way he looked at her – it all had led her to believe that he loved her. And now this?

  And Koyal herself? How every waking moment she only thought of Atharv? How she had even rejected a seat at the architecture college just so that she could be close to Atharv? How she loved Atharv with an intensity that could put the Sun to shame? How she breathed, lived and smiled only for him? Did none of that mean anything?

  Koyal shook her head, Nili was saying something. Something nasty.

  ‘You are calling me because your heart knows this to be true. And it scares the shit out of you.’

  The harshness of honest words.

  ‘You know what, 1 p.m., medical college library tomorrow,’ Nili said. ‘Come and see for yourself.’

  The one thing that neither Nili nor Koyal would ever know was what Atharv had liked the best about Nili’s proposal in the library. The proposal had a soul to it, he thought to himself, a pious, godly sheen.

  That day Nili began her little speech about how much she loved Atharv the moment she saw Koyal at the door of the library. She knew she had just a few minutes to get the reaction from Atharv she needed. She cast her eyes down, knotted her hands and spoke softly, hesitatingly, shyly – exactly the way she knew Atharv would like it. When Atharv didn’t say anything immediately, and Koyal began to come closer to them, panic hit her.

  Nili pretended to look deeply embarrassed at what she had just said. She let her eyes tear up, her lips quiver – none of which she knew would be lost on Atharv. Then she got up and pretended to leave, hoping desperately that Atharv, ever the gentleman, would stop her. How her heart rejoiced when she felt his fingers wrap themselves around her wrist in a surprisingly firm grasp. She tried hard not to let the song that had begun to play in her heart show itself on her face as she sat down again.

  She made sure she was sitting at such an angle that her lips were tantalizingly close to Atharv’s and that this little scene would be clearly visible to Koyal.

  ‘I love you too,’ Atharv finally whispered in his low baritone that could send tingles down Nili’s spine.

  And then in an almost out of body moment, Nili watched Atharv as he leaned in. She closed her eyes and felt his lips touch the side of her lips. His lips felt soft and warm.

  He paused and then leaned in again and this time when his lips found hers, it was a proper kiss. A kiss that she would never forget. A kiss that she knew her life would be built on and Koyal’s be destroyed with.

  Nili mentally pumped her fists in the air even as Atharv kissed oblivious of what was happening. Nili one, Koyal zero, a voice in her head said.

  Nili One, Koyal Zero.

  A red bus stopped by Koyal and the driver looked expectantly at her. Koyal shook her head. No, she did not need to hop on to the bus. She began to read the letter she held in her hands.

  Dear Koyal,

  I have a feeling that the universe will bring you back into our lives. And if you are reading this, it has. And through this letter, I am going to make a deal with you.

  Some numbers, first. I am thirty-two years old. I am thirty weeks pregnant. I have stage four brain cancer. I have been given about five weeks to live.

  They can’t tell me why I got this disease. There is no cause and there is no cure. Just as there is no hope. I can’t help but think that probably karma has caught up. For the last five years, Koyal, I have lived my life in your shadow; I know you have vanished into a seeming oblivion, but in our lives you exist. Not a day has gone by, save for these last few since my diagnosis, when Atharv has not mentioned you. Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with sadness in his eyes. Almost always with a longing that I find very difficult to bear.

  I have lived in the constant fear that one day he will wake up and tell me that he is going to find you and get you back. I have obsessed over this incessantly, to put it mildly. It was the reason I insisted Atharv and I marry quickly, and then have a baby as soon as possible.

  In these last few years, I have tried my best to make him forget you. But I have failed.

  Coming to that day in the library.

  I can see you now, standing at the door of the library, eyes red, face white, the face of a girl whose world had just shattered into pieces.

  It is an image that has never left me. I see you like that often, in dreams, in my mind – exactly like that, standing like a statue at the door. Seeing Atharv and me kiss, you concluded that what I had led you to believe was indeed true. That Atharv and I had been seeing each other for a long time and he had been lying to you. Your Atharv had lied to you.

  Your Atharv loved someone else.

  Well, I lied, and here is the truth you have waited to hear, neither was true at that point in time.

  It had been our first kiss – I orchestrated it. He liked me, fancied me even, I think, but I had to work very hard at making him truly fall in love with me after you left.

  Often when guilt has tided over me, I have looked at the face of the man I have loved more than anyone else, and wondered if he would be with me had I not done what I did. And, possibly more importantly, had you not reacted in the way that you did.

  Probably not.

  And hence my insecurities.

  In the last few years, each time I felt Atharv wanted to start searching for you again, I created reasons to convince him not to.

  I am dying now. I should sit him down and ask him to now go and find you. I think about that often. But do you know what? I won’t do that. I can’t. I am too fearful that if he finds you, he will forget me. Even the thought kills me.

  However, I will let destiny take its course. If it has brought you back in his life, I want you to know the truth and I want to beg forgiveness.

  I wish I had not done what I have, but I think given another chance, I would still do the same. Yes, that is how madly I still love Atharv. Mad, powerful love – who would understand it better than you?

  And therein lies my hope for forgiveness.

  I did what I did out of sheer desperation born out of a love that perhaps borders on insanity.

  I may not have done the right thing, and I may be the reason why you and Atharv are not together, and for that I ask you to find it in your heart to forgive me.

  Perhaps in telling you the truth, I am giving you back the love you had for Atharv, and maybe I shouldn’t do that. But something tells me that should you and Atharv be back together, Atharv will be a lot happier than he ever was with me. The thought hurts more than you would imagine, but the least I can do in this letter is be honest.

  Atharv was the man you knew him to be. He never lied to you, he never cheated on you.

  Even if you can’t forgive me, in return for the truth, can you please do one thing for me?

  I am not sure who amongst the three of us will survive this.

  I have refused medication to give the baby
a chance at survival. It will kill me quicker, but hopefully it will keep her safe.

  He is being very brave but this is killing him as much as it is killing me.

  I won’t survive, I know, but I hope this won’t kill him too.

  If you are a part of Atharv’s life and that of my child (oh, what I would not give to be able to hug her now, see her, touch her hair, kiss her), I beg you, please, please, please, don’t let them forget me. Please help me live even when I am dead.

  When you meet my daughter next, tell her Mama loves her more than anything else in her life. And if possible give her a hug from me.

  I am sorry, Koyal, very sorry, for what I did to you, but I am being punished in the harshest way possible. I do hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me and keep my last wish.

  Please keep me alive when I am dead.

  Nili

  Another bus honked, bringing Koyal back to the present. She stared at the letter in her hands.

  Atharv lied to you.

  Atharv loved me.

  Well, I lied, and here is the truth you have waited to hear, neither was true at that point in time.

  Neither was true.

  Regret has deep shades of helplessness. Koyal kicked the foot of the bench and let out an anguished groan. Ten years.

  Why, she screamed to herself silently, agony of a different kind knotting her heart, had she not spoken to Atharv before leaving Delhi? One ten-minute, open, honest conversation? Why? Why? Why?

  Time, you cruel, beautiful cage that won’t allow anyone to get back even a second of what is past. What is left then, but to find ways to make peace with what has already happened? Things happen for a reason, and sometimes, even if you can see the reason, you wonder if it was all worth it. That is when you have to tell yourself that it was. No one but you are responsible for your happiness and this is the only way to get over the regrets.

  When a few minutes later, when she had calmed down, Koyal spread open the crumpled letter and smoothed out the creases. These few words from Nili had given her back the greatest friendship of her life and for that she only had gratitude in her heart.

  Surya Aunty and Atharv looked up, stunned, when Koyal, drenched from head to toe, appeared in the living room just as they were sitting down to dinner.